SP1916

My boyfriend recently made a rather impulsive decision to move across the country after relapsing and detoxing. He had been clean about 6 months, has a wonderful family here, friends and a good job who even paid him while he went to rehab. He felt he didn’t have any real consequences here because his family was always there to pick up the pieces. He left to stay with friends of a friend, in a spare bedroom
of another couples home. He went to a meeting there and is lining up job interviews. I do hope he is successful and that I can eventually join him, but from what I read (and my gut instinct that he was running away from life’s stressors) it sounds unlikely this will last. He didn’t do much other healing work outside of his month long rehab program 6 months ago, but he did manage to stay clean. He doesn’t seem to have many coping strategies unfortunately.

what have your experiences been with loved ones moving away to start over?

Ann

My son is the addict in my life, so I don't have your kind of experience.

Did your boyfriend discuss this move with you or talk about plans for your future?

A month of rehab isn't much, I hope he has managed to stay clean as you think he is.

This might be a good time to reassess your own situation and make plans to move on without him. If he stays clean you will know it, if he doesn't you are lucky to have space between you. I think time will tell you what you may already know in your heart.

I am glad you joined us, others who have had your experience will be along to welcome you also and share their own experience

HardLessons

I dont know enough about your BF's addiction problems.

What I can simply tell you is to trust your gut feelings on this. I would be extremely cautious before you even think one tiny bit about following him anywhere.

SparkleKitty

The "geographic cure" can be tempting, but the thing is...wherever you go, there you are. A move alone is not a plan for lifelong sobriety and recovery.

I, too, recommend trusting your gut here.

SP1916

Thank you all for your input @SparkleKitty @Ann @HardLessons. I’m honestly hesitant to make any substantial plans because I wonder if he’ll be back within a few months. I know he misses his family a great deal. My brother is also a long term opiate addict.. so you’d think I’d be running in the other direction, but I can’t seem to let him go. I am torn being hoping he recovers there, and hoping he returns home soon to his support system and loved ones here, and gives rehab another try.

Do you think he’ll end up returning to the area? I don’t see how he could afford life long term in California anyway.

HardLessons

Based on my direct experience, opiate addicts are prone to making impulsive type decisions. Opiates are highly addictive. They are a very powerful & mind altering drug. A very destructive drug. Opiate addiction is really a life long battle. Even if they are able to get clean, relapse can come for numerous reasons & at any point in time.

I guess you have seen this all first hand between your BF & brother's addiction.

It really doesnt matter where you run off too, opiates can easily be found just about anywhere, Nothing you said so far leads me to believe he has any good chance at staying clean. He had you, his wonderful family, & good job but he couldnt stay clean.

Since for the time being he is out of the picture, I suggest you spend some time figuring out why you cant let an opiate addict go. You probably know just how destructive this all is. Unfortunately, I had to find out the hard way.

Please let him go to do whatever & focus on your own life.

trailmix

hi SP1916, well from what you have said, this sounds like a not very well thought out plan on his part.

- He went to rehab then relapsed
- Decided to make a move across country leaving all stability
- Doesn't have the means to live in California

This all kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster (for you). I think you should trust your gut on this. Right now his plan is, no plan.

I'm sure you care about him a lot and I also know you would like to see him in recovery, so how about giving that some time? Wait a year or so to see if he gets established, stays sober, becomes self reliant. I know you wish he was all those things right now, but he isn't.

edoering

In my (limited) experience, an impulsive move is trying to run away. But as previously pointed out, you can’t outrun yourself. Clean or not, it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in dealing with “life on life’s terms” and when life’s terms come calling, it can be very hard not to turn back to drugs in pain and disappointment or resentment and rage.

As painful as it is, I think you are better off building your own life without him for now. If he’s really healing himself, than whatever strong foundation you’ve built for yourself will only add to what he’s built for himself and what you both can build together. And if he’s not in a good place, you aren’t putting your life on hold for him. It’s good for you either way.

advbike

Addicts have a "void" that we are always trying to fill - with new relationships, places, things, etc. It's why we use..

Being sober or not doesn't really have much to do with the decisions. Some of my compulsions have ramped up at times I was newly sober, and supposedly thinking clearly. I have impulsively bought vehicles, homes in other cities, moved to another state and even overseas.. when I was recently clean and sober.

I wasn't drinking, but I had to stimulate the reward pathways somehow is all I can figure.

Unfortunately, at some point soon after, I would drink to "celebrate" my new life.