Emotionally immature parents set us up to love addicts
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Emotionally immature parents set us up to love addicts
I just listened to this podcast that helped give me some insight into how I ended up in such a dysfunctional relationship with my XAH.
My parents are emotionally disabled. They didn't physically neglect, and they provided well for me, in all ways except emotionally. They don't have emotionally intimate relationships with anyone, not even their kids. I have been doing some digging into myself to make sense of how deep an affect this has had on me.
I grew up being told that I was always overreacting, that I was too sensitive, and often they would straight up ignore my direct calls for emotional support. My mom recently admitted that she gave up on being close to me when I was 15, because I was a difficult teen. She said it plainly, and expressed no regret or desire to remedy it. She always would chose to send me to a psychiatrist rather than just talk to me about my worries. Even now, as an adult, when I eventually got brave enough to be open with them about being physically and sexually abused by my XAH for years, they said they didn't believe me and they continue maintain their relationship with him, like nothing happened. I have explained how hurtful that is for me--i sure as heck wouldn't want to break bread with someone who hit my daughter so hard she lost consciousness or sexually assaulted her!!! But to them, i guess the emotions of their daughter just don't carry much weight on their scales.
So I grew up with this huge, humongous hole in my heart that I desperately wanted to fill. And I had no picture of what a healthy emotional relationship was. So I thought it was true love when XAH came along and was willing to listen to me talk about my emotions. And I was so hungry for that connection I ignored one red flag after another, then one relapse after another. I tried to hang on to the first person who treated me like an emotional being, and twisted my brain around to make sense of staying with him when he left bruises.
Luckily, I came here and got a bit of a view of where that road was going, and eventually I left XAH. I spent a lot of time over the last decade learning from and growing past all that, and have even built a new, healthy partnership.
But I am realizing after listening to this podcast that I have more healing to do. I now need to work on my issues with my parents. I have reached out many times to address this. I have expressed my sadness with their lack of support, my distress at their continued intimacy with my abuser, and my anger over them pressuring me to stay in my marriage with my abuser. They have acknowledged that they heard me say these things, on more than one occasion, but they have not offered any response. At all. No hint that they want to repair. The only thing they know how to do is pretend everything is ok.
And that's what this comes down to. Acting like everything is ok is super messed up when things aren't ok (like the time they forced me to go on a family picnic on the same day I held a close friend's stillborn baby. Gotta show up and paste on a smile, nevermind the death, we planned a picnic! They never even mentioned the dead baby again, or asked how I was handling it).
So I upheld my boundary when my dad asked me to celebrate my mom's birthday. To go and pretend we have a relationship is so painful to me. I dread every minute and am stressed for days over it. ... So I just said no. It felt scary to potentially rock the boat. To not pretend it is all ok.
But it also felt awesome to protect myself.
Here is a link to the podcast about Emotionally neglectful parents
What about y'all? Was there anything in your childhood that led you to a codependent dynamic?
My parents are emotionally disabled. They didn't physically neglect, and they provided well for me, in all ways except emotionally. They don't have emotionally intimate relationships with anyone, not even their kids. I have been doing some digging into myself to make sense of how deep an affect this has had on me.
I grew up being told that I was always overreacting, that I was too sensitive, and often they would straight up ignore my direct calls for emotional support. My mom recently admitted that she gave up on being close to me when I was 15, because I was a difficult teen. She said it plainly, and expressed no regret or desire to remedy it. She always would chose to send me to a psychiatrist rather than just talk to me about my worries. Even now, as an adult, when I eventually got brave enough to be open with them about being physically and sexually abused by my XAH for years, they said they didn't believe me and they continue maintain their relationship with him, like nothing happened. I have explained how hurtful that is for me--i sure as heck wouldn't want to break bread with someone who hit my daughter so hard she lost consciousness or sexually assaulted her!!! But to them, i guess the emotions of their daughter just don't carry much weight on their scales.
So I grew up with this huge, humongous hole in my heart that I desperately wanted to fill. And I had no picture of what a healthy emotional relationship was. So I thought it was true love when XAH came along and was willing to listen to me talk about my emotions. And I was so hungry for that connection I ignored one red flag after another, then one relapse after another. I tried to hang on to the first person who treated me like an emotional being, and twisted my brain around to make sense of staying with him when he left bruises.
Luckily, I came here and got a bit of a view of where that road was going, and eventually I left XAH. I spent a lot of time over the last decade learning from and growing past all that, and have even built a new, healthy partnership.
But I am realizing after listening to this podcast that I have more healing to do. I now need to work on my issues with my parents. I have reached out many times to address this. I have expressed my sadness with their lack of support, my distress at their continued intimacy with my abuser, and my anger over them pressuring me to stay in my marriage with my abuser. They have acknowledged that they heard me say these things, on more than one occasion, but they have not offered any response. At all. No hint that they want to repair. The only thing they know how to do is pretend everything is ok.
And that's what this comes down to. Acting like everything is ok is super messed up when things aren't ok (like the time they forced me to go on a family picnic on the same day I held a close friend's stillborn baby. Gotta show up and paste on a smile, nevermind the death, we planned a picnic! They never even mentioned the dead baby again, or asked how I was handling it).
So I upheld my boundary when my dad asked me to celebrate my mom's birthday. To go and pretend we have a relationship is so painful to me. I dread every minute and am stressed for days over it. ... So I just said no. It felt scary to potentially rock the boat. To not pretend it is all ok.
But it also felt awesome to protect myself.
Here is a link to the podcast about Emotionally neglectful parents
What about y'all? Was there anything in your childhood that led you to a codependent dynamic?
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
Sevenofnine,
I don't have any words of wisdom because I share the same struggles (emotionally unavailable parents) and I am still figuring out how to recover from that but I wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I really do. It leaves such a hole in your heart when the people who are supposed to have loved you and engaged with you and supported you and so on were just ... not emotionally available. It affected me so much that I do not have children even though I have had several wonderful relationships because the thought that I could inflict that much pain on a child ... it was just too much. I just became addicted to work instead. But of course now when I see my friends with their beautiful children, that makes me even sadder.
It's so tough. Thank you for sharing here and I hope some more experienced folks have some words of wisdom to share.
I don't have any words of wisdom because I share the same struggles (emotionally unavailable parents) and I am still figuring out how to recover from that but I wanted to say that I know exactly how you feel. I really do. It leaves such a hole in your heart when the people who are supposed to have loved you and engaged with you and supported you and so on were just ... not emotionally available. It affected me so much that I do not have children even though I have had several wonderful relationships because the thought that I could inflict that much pain on a child ... it was just too much. I just became addicted to work instead. But of course now when I see my friends with their beautiful children, that makes me even sadder.
It's so tough. Thank you for sharing here and I hope some more experienced folks have some words of wisdom to share.
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 4
I can completely relate and just had the same experience (emotionally unavailable parents) and just listened to the podcast “How not to be codependent” (Stories of Addiction). I try to fix my partners, never get what I need or want, suffer from low self-esteem, have a hard time saying “no” when I want to. Having just gone no contact with my crack addicted bf has had me hit rock bottom.
I would love to hear how anyone got started fixing their codependent issues?
I would love to hear how anyone got started fixing their codependent issues?
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 336
I actually just posted a big thing about this topic on the other board here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post7675992 (Some Less Commonly Talked About Symptoms of Codependence)
But honestly, I started healing with reading, therapy, and lots of “exercise” routines of self-love. Like I literally set goals of things to do and a set number of repetitions in a week. And I didn’t start with love first, I started with self-like and self-respect, and slowly challenge myself to get more unconditionally loving. Like I just lost both my husband (to drugs) and mom (to cancer) and both previously were people who loved me unconditionally. So now, I challenge myself to do the things for myself that they used to do that made me feel so loved and safe. And amazingly, I can do them pretty darn well.
But honestly, I started healing with reading, therapy, and lots of “exercise” routines of self-love. Like I literally set goals of things to do and a set number of repetitions in a week. And I didn’t start with love first, I started with self-like and self-respect, and slowly challenge myself to get more unconditionally loving. Like I just lost both my husband (to drugs) and mom (to cancer) and both previously were people who loved me unconditionally. So now, I challenge myself to do the things for myself that they used to do that made me feel so loved and safe. And amazingly, I can do them pretty darn well.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
sevenofnine: Thank you for your candid and meaningful share.
You do matter. Regardless of what those who were unavailable to you emotionally may have intimated or directly said to you.
About going through struggles and illness without family support: Through trusting in my higher power, that is, God, I have experienced peace and healing. Otherwise, I have done loads of reading and listening, which has helped me on the pathway to becoming whole. For example, becoming educated as to 'self-love deficit disorder' (as named by Ross Rosenberg).
Self-care has helped me. I will never again underestimate the importance of 'putting on my own oxygen mask' first.
Otherwise, family members who do not understand, who would expect me to just get over it or those who are verbally abusive and otherwise -- I have chosen to make and keep boundaries. All intents are to becoming healthier, of walking away from enmeshment, of becoming stronger and self reliant, and of letting go and letting God.
I hope you will find healing and happiness. Keep moving ahead, one day at a time.
You do matter. Regardless of what those who were unavailable to you emotionally may have intimated or directly said to you.
About going through struggles and illness without family support: Through trusting in my higher power, that is, God, I have experienced peace and healing. Otherwise, I have done loads of reading and listening, which has helped me on the pathway to becoming whole. For example, becoming educated as to 'self-love deficit disorder' (as named by Ross Rosenberg).
Self-care has helped me. I will never again underestimate the importance of 'putting on my own oxygen mask' first.
Otherwise, family members who do not understand, who would expect me to just get over it or those who are verbally abusive and otherwise -- I have chosen to make and keep boundaries. All intents are to becoming healthier, of walking away from enmeshment, of becoming stronger and self reliant, and of letting go and letting God.
I hope you will find healing and happiness. Keep moving ahead, one day at a time.
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