Mother needs support

Old 05-29-2021, 09:25 AM
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Mother needs support

My son has been an addict for 14 years and I can not let go. I feel if Im not there to be sure he eats etc that no one will.
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Old 05-29-2021, 05:57 PM
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Ann
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Welcome to SR. I am sorry about your son and can relate. My middle age adult son has been living in his addiction for 25 years or more.

For many of those years I thought I could save him. We let him move home when he was homeless, with strong boundaries about not using in our home and that he must be attending some form of addiction counseling/meetings/day programs. We thought if we loved him enough and provided him with a safe, loving home where he could sleep safely, eat well and be "family" again, that maybe he would change his ways and reach out for some real recovery.

All that ever accomplished was to turn our home into a war zone where he (against my knowledge) kept drugs and stolen good and at the same time he stole from us...he stole a lot. Each time it would not end well and we had to make him leave. Usually we tried to help him into a rehab or clean house, but again, that was OUR plan and not his.

In the end it made me very sick, and crazy too. I lost sight of who I was and what was good for MY life and it got worse with every day I lived like that. Like you, I thought he would die if we didn't take care of him.

I joined my own support meeting, CoDA (Codependents Anonymous), found a sponsor and learned to work my own 12 step program that saved my life and brought me back to a life worth living.

My son disappeared for about 15 years and then one day we were contacted by a woman who worked with the prison support programs and asked if he could contact us (she did this through a 3rd party) and after some thought we decided that he could contact us again in 6 months and we would revisit the possibility of talking to him if he was clean and working a good solid program. Sadly, after a month or so he was back at it and now is back in prison for some pretty serious drug dealing charges, not his first time. I was glad we had opted out of the drama this time around. That circus left town a long time ago and I will no longer live a life where addiction exists.

Take a good read around here, especially the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum and you will find a lot of useful information. Also there is a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie that has helped many of us understand how we got so enmeshed in a loved one's addition and learn to live a healthier life.

Again, I am glad you joined us and hope you will stick around. I've been here for almost 20 years and find strength, hope and courage here every day.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.
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Old 05-31-2021, 04:27 AM
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124MarkerLane:

Welcome to the community.

I became a member of SR in 2010. At that point in time, I was continually and desperately trying to save my teenage son from his risky behaviors and drug-seeking lifestyle. I was in a very bad place, physically and mentally, and I am grateful I have had the opportunity to participate and learn, here at SR.

Maybe check out the "stickys" as dear Ann had suggested in her post.

Otherwise, my almost 30yo son has been on his own for years (he moved out of my home about eight years ago). We occasionally speak and even less so, see each other. But when we do, it is generally positive.

I eventually did come to see that it was best that he moved on with his life and I with mine.
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Old 05-31-2021, 05:31 AM
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Hello 124MarkerLane. I'm sorry to hear about your son. My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how difficult it is to be in your shoes. Ann and Anaya have both made some great suggestions. Recovery is your son's choice, he will only help himself when he is ready to quit. Take care of yourself.
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Old 05-31-2021, 05:36 AM
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Ann is a wise person....I hope you can find peace.
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Old 06-01-2021, 09:03 AM
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My AD has struggled for 15 years. I have never let go of her in my heart, but for many years I have let her live her own life on her terms along with its consequences. I was able to do this because I recognized my own limitations and the boundaries I need to feel safe and sane. Despite everything, I am sure she would not have wanted it any other way.
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Old 06-01-2021, 12:33 PM
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I too, had to let my son live his life his way, however, I cannot share it with him.
Like most mothers I imagine, I tried to rescue him, and only made myself ill. I had no choice but to step back, and let him get on with it.
Our addicts are more resourceful and resilient than we think, but if we continue to take care of their needs, they have no reason to change.
Try and take as good care of yourself, as you would your son.
Much Love
Bute x
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Old 06-02-2021, 03:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Bute View Post
Our addicts are more resourceful and resilient than we think, but if we continue to take care of their needs, they have no reason to change.
Exactly.

I did find standing aside difficult; participating here at SR was very, very helpful and who I came in contact with and what I learned gave me hope. It was invaluable.
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Old 06-05-2021, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Bute View Post
I tried to rescue him, and only made myself ill. I had no choice but to step back, and let him get on with it.
Thank you for giving great words. I relate to this statement. I made the decision to leave my ex fiancé to his own path, for the sake of my health and sanity I had to step away. He just didn't have the drive to recover and quit, not a damn thing I could do about it. You get to your breaking point where you don’t even want to keep trying. I tried to help him until my soul finally tired and I realized I was fighting a losing battle. A hard lesson, but I am grateful for what it taught me.
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Old 06-07-2021, 02:15 PM
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Hello 124, another Mama here who understands and has been there. My son was a heroin/meth user/addict for 8 years. I found my life again after finding this site, and receiving so much help from the forum members who had "walked the mile" before me. As it stands, I realized that I could not change my son, though I did try my hardest and spent way too much time, money and effort to no avail. It took him 8 years and many attempts to get clean, but one fine day, he decided it was time. This all happened without my intervention, and he is now clean and sober 4 years on June 13 and runs a detox facility near the beach, and is getting married in August! I will say that the biggest miracle was allowing my son to live his life and letting GOD in my heart. Once I truly let go, I found peace.
Hugs to you. Sending prayers for your peace and strength.
TT
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Old 06-07-2021, 03:57 PM
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Ann
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Ilovelysonjj, I am so happy for you and for your son and wish you both healthy happy days ahead.

You and I walked this path together and it just lifts my heart each time I hear that someone's loved one found a good path and stayed on it.

Hugs to you and to JJ, all the way from Canada.
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Old 06-08-2021, 11:05 AM
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Aww Ann, you and all the other Momma Posse were what held me together in the darkest days. I am so grateful for all of the wisdom, support and love that was shared with me and prayers for JJ through the journey. I still come on SR daily for strength and gratitude.
Hugs right back to you and Mr. Ann!
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Old 06-09-2021, 04:26 AM
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Yes, the Mama Posse stood strong together, we still do in spirit.

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Old 06-23-2021, 06:34 PM
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Hang in there mama......I have been down that road for many years now. Physically and mentally sick over my son. Worrying everyday about him and his addiction and repeated cycle. Begging him to get help. Offering to help him in any way we could. Thinking that the more love we showed him - the more he would want to get himself sober and clean knowing that he had a family that loved him. Eventually I realized that it is not about me and what I want. It is about him wanting to help himself. Nothing I can do or say will change that. I can only pray for him that he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hugs to you.
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Old 06-27-2021, 07:54 PM
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Much wisdom here. Thank you.
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Old 07-01-2021, 03:54 AM
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Thank you for what you wrote, Puddinface52: " I can only pray for him that he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired. Hugs to you."

Praying for all parents and other family members, who are in pain, who find it difficult to get through each day.

Thinking of you, 124MarkerLane, and hoping that what is shared in this thread has been helpful for you.


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Old 07-13-2021, 04:05 PM
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The Momma Posse

It’s been years since I’ve been on the site and when I saw the reference to the Momma Posse I just had to respond. Thank goodness for those for all those Mommas. They too got me through some very tough years. After too many years to count my son got clean and will celebrate 2 years on August 7
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Old 07-13-2021, 05:06 PM
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Allthatsgood it is great to see you again. How great that your son found his own recovery. I will keep him in my prayers that he can pass his light to others.

Now see, The Mama Posse has enough power to bring us together again. That's how this recovery works, one codie walking with another, sharing our light when one of us loses our own

We all walk together here, cheering each other on and sharing our tissues on the rough days.

God bless the Mama's, we give each other strength.
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Old 07-26-2021, 02:48 AM
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As I am re-reading these posts today, I am inspired by this, from Ann: "We all walk together here, cheering each other on and sharing our tissues on the rough days.

God bless the Mama's, we give each other strength."

Yes, and thank God for that.

Otherwise, my son of whom I spoke in this thread and his father are back to chaotic ways, toxic behavior, enmeshment and ugliness; it is heartbreaking to see but ... I do have to stand back or I will let myself get sucked right down there in the mud with both of them. I did check in to see if son is OK and we really did not talk much on why this event of nonstop ugliness occurred. I did let my son know I love him and am thinking of him.

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Old 07-26-2021, 07:13 AM
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Anaya,
Funnily enough, I heard from my son too! Via a txt message. Despite telling his social worker and addiction worker, that I would be open to telephone contact only, he asked me to go to lunch next week. I declined, said thank you for asking me, but explained that I need to be confident that he is clean, and can sustain it. Every time he relapses, I become the target of abuse and threats - not this time sunshine!
Sending you a hug
Much Love
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