need advice on no-contact with ex drug addict boyfriend
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need advice on no-contact with ex drug addict boyfriend
hello to anyone who might read this ... i’m (19) currently really struggling with the “no contact” with my ex boyfriend (20) who’s an addict. i’ve posted a few threads on here before explaining the situation i’m currently in, and i’d really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.
my emotions keep flip-flopping back and forth between sadness and anger. the sadness i feel, i’ve realized is the part of my brain he’s been manipulating for the past 2 and a half years and i’m still stuck in those old, familiar habits. i’ll feel really upset, and worried about him and that i’m so awful for blocking him on everything and i should be checking in on him to see how he’s doing.
yet i know if i do that, i’ll be re-opening that door i worked so hard to close, and the boundaries i worked so hard to build, and i’ll just be putting myself in the position to be manipulated again, and be told empty promises or lies.
i’m guessing these emotions are normal coming out of a very unhealthy, co-dependent, relationship with an addict. it’s mentally exhausting feeling like this.
the anger i feel is the more rational part of my brain, i think. it usually ends up balancing out the sadness i feel and making me want to stick to the no-contact thing i’m doing. to anyone who’s reading this and is or has been in my situation, did you feel like this too?
i get so mad thinking about the things he has said to me, all the emotional abuse, and the cheating, and always blaming me.
about two weeks ago when i didn’t lie for him about the klonopin prescription he was hiding from his family, i told him “i’m sorry for not telling your mom i flushed them, but it was the right thing to do.”
and he told me, “until i overdose because i can’t stand this place anymore, then you really have to tell yourself it was the right thing.”
and that’s not the first time i’ve heard something like that! it’s like he uses this weird, manipulative, guilt-trip tactic to try and make me want to keep enabling him or else he threatens to kill himself, or talks about blaming me for his death.
when he no longer had any pills, he told me how exciting it would be to go buy more off the streets and not know if they’re medical or laced with something.
all of this has been on a constant loop in my mind. i know everyone says going no contact is the best thing you can do and i think i’m doing okay at it. i haven’t fallen into his begging of wanting me back and him promising he’s ready to change when he hasn’t shown any signs of it.
it just for some reason feels like the wrong thing to do at times. it’s really hard to wish him well in my mind and block and move on, even though i know that it’s best for me and hopefully somehow best for him too. but to anyone who’s dealt or is dealing with something like this, that is what you have to do, right?
my emotions keep flip-flopping back and forth between sadness and anger. the sadness i feel, i’ve realized is the part of my brain he’s been manipulating for the past 2 and a half years and i’m still stuck in those old, familiar habits. i’ll feel really upset, and worried about him and that i’m so awful for blocking him on everything and i should be checking in on him to see how he’s doing.
yet i know if i do that, i’ll be re-opening that door i worked so hard to close, and the boundaries i worked so hard to build, and i’ll just be putting myself in the position to be manipulated again, and be told empty promises or lies.
i’m guessing these emotions are normal coming out of a very unhealthy, co-dependent, relationship with an addict. it’s mentally exhausting feeling like this.
the anger i feel is the more rational part of my brain, i think. it usually ends up balancing out the sadness i feel and making me want to stick to the no-contact thing i’m doing. to anyone who’s reading this and is or has been in my situation, did you feel like this too?
i get so mad thinking about the things he has said to me, all the emotional abuse, and the cheating, and always blaming me.
about two weeks ago when i didn’t lie for him about the klonopin prescription he was hiding from his family, i told him “i’m sorry for not telling your mom i flushed them, but it was the right thing to do.”
and he told me, “until i overdose because i can’t stand this place anymore, then you really have to tell yourself it was the right thing.”
and that’s not the first time i’ve heard something like that! it’s like he uses this weird, manipulative, guilt-trip tactic to try and make me want to keep enabling him or else he threatens to kill himself, or talks about blaming me for his death.
when he no longer had any pills, he told me how exciting it would be to go buy more off the streets and not know if they’re medical or laced with something.
all of this has been on a constant loop in my mind. i know everyone says going no contact is the best thing you can do and i think i’m doing okay at it. i haven’t fallen into his begging of wanting me back and him promising he’s ready to change when he hasn’t shown any signs of it.
it just for some reason feels like the wrong thing to do at times. it’s really hard to wish him well in my mind and block and move on, even though i know that it’s best for me and hopefully somehow best for him too. but to anyone who’s dealt or is dealing with something like this, that is what you have to do, right?
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
For myself, I had to remove any concept of “what I have to do.” Because then I will stress myself out trying to handle loving/leaving an addict “perfectly” and there’s just no perfect. There’s no “right” way to get through this—there’s just the way you will get through this.
I think it’s better to focus on what you need & want to do for your own health and happiness. You deserve health and happiness. Does he contribute to your health and happiness or make your life worse? Do you feel he’s a danger to your safety or even just your comfort and sanity?
He honestly sounds pretty darn manipulative, so do be careful! And if it helps, remember his brain has its own twisted kind of “logic” he’s using right now that’s driven by the addiction. And his words are coming from that addiction logic. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to give my ALO’s words the same power/consideration I might give a clean/sober person’s words. I don’t have to twist myself up trying to if their words have any truth in them. I focus on myself first, the relationships that actually bring goodness and support into my life next, and the actions of my ALO after that.
Anger and sadness and going back and forth are TOTALLY normal. You are grieving. Grief has a lot of faces, and it isn’t “five stages” that go in order. You might bounce back and forth between different emotions. Repeat them often. Feel multiple at once. All normal. Feeling powerless, SO NORMAL.
Maybe, try to find small things you can do for yourself that help you feel like you have some power in your own life! Obviously, you can’t control him, so things that involve him probably aren’t helpful. But something that puts the focus on you, and helps you feel like you are the boss of your own life!
I think it’s better to focus on what you need & want to do for your own health and happiness. You deserve health and happiness. Does he contribute to your health and happiness or make your life worse? Do you feel he’s a danger to your safety or even just your comfort and sanity?
He honestly sounds pretty darn manipulative, so do be careful! And if it helps, remember his brain has its own twisted kind of “logic” he’s using right now that’s driven by the addiction. And his words are coming from that addiction logic. I have to remind myself that I don’t have to give my ALO’s words the same power/consideration I might give a clean/sober person’s words. I don’t have to twist myself up trying to if their words have any truth in them. I focus on myself first, the relationships that actually bring goodness and support into my life next, and the actions of my ALO after that.
Anger and sadness and going back and forth are TOTALLY normal. You are grieving. Grief has a lot of faces, and it isn’t “five stages” that go in order. You might bounce back and forth between different emotions. Repeat them often. Feel multiple at once. All normal. Feeling powerless, SO NORMAL.
Maybe, try to find small things you can do for yourself that help you feel like you have some power in your own life! Obviously, you can’t control him, so things that involve him probably aren’t helpful. But something that puts the focus on you, and helps you feel like you are the boss of your own life!
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Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: USA
Posts: 92
I recently left a long term relationship with an addict. You may find my other posts helpful. I don’t have all the answers, but believe me when I say, a clean break is best in these situations. You have to shut the door and don't look back...as sad as that is. Definitely hurts at first, but when you realize how much peace it brings you, its easier to deal with. Silence is peace to your soul after a toxic relationship. Its a natural feeling to experience nostalgia and grief. Its just a longing of a once beautiful memory. I still think about my ex many times each day, but I don't wish to go back. I know it would never be the same again. Plus the idea of continuing to put up with his drama and addiction issues again is so much more painful than letting go. Be honest with yourself, value yourself and recognize your worth. Feelings, like everything else, are temporary and they will fade away when we truly decide to let go of them. Remind yourself that you cannot love someone who isn’t able to be emotionally available due to addiction issues. My final word of advice is to use all your strength to let go, stay in no contact and let your heart and soul heal. Hang in there 
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Hi blue26-
yes, I can relate to being in a situation similar to yours, and unfortunately, I relate all too well with having to go “no contact” also. I can tell you from what you have posted, though, that you are *far* from being no contact. And I mean this with absolute kindness, with the first hand knowledge of what it’s like to not be “out” yet. But you are not even close to being no contact.
No contact is is no contact- you lock things down completely from your end. Say bye, and block and delete numbers and emails, and ideally change them too, don’t look at social media or photos, don’t speak to mutual friends or his family, don’t check up on him, nothing. That is no contact. Otherwise, any contact you have (a message gets through to you, you talk to him or his family, etc), and your emotions will be soaring all over again, and you’re just going to go around and around in circles.
Good luck to you- I know first hand the sea of emotions that happen when you are extricating yourself out, and how hard that is.
yes, I can relate to being in a situation similar to yours, and unfortunately, I relate all too well with having to go “no contact” also. I can tell you from what you have posted, though, that you are *far* from being no contact. And I mean this with absolute kindness, with the first hand knowledge of what it’s like to not be “out” yet. But you are not even close to being no contact.
No contact is is no contact- you lock things down completely from your end. Say bye, and block and delete numbers and emails, and ideally change them too, don’t look at social media or photos, don’t speak to mutual friends or his family, don’t check up on him, nothing. That is no contact. Otherwise, any contact you have (a message gets through to you, you talk to him or his family, etc), and your emotions will be soaring all over again, and you’re just going to go around and around in circles.
Good luck to you- I know first hand the sea of emotions that happen when you are extricating yourself out, and how hard that is.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by pdm22 
Hi blue26-
yes, I can relate to being in a situation similar to yours, and unfortunately, I relate all too well with having to go “no contact” also. I can tell you from what you have posted, though, that you are *far* from being no contact. And I mean this with absolute kindness, with the first hand knowledge of what it’s like to not be “out” yet. But you are not even close to being no contact.
No contact is is no contact- you lock things down completely from your end. Say bye, and block and delete numbers and emails, and ideally change them too, don’t look at social media or photos, don’t speak to mutual friends or his family, don’t check up on him, nothing. That is no contact. Otherwise, any contact you have (a message gets through to you, you talk to him or his family, etc), and your emotions will be soaring all over again, and you’re just going to go around and around in circles.
Good luck to you- I know first hand the sea of emotions that happen when you are extricating yourself out, and how hard that is.
yes, I can relate to being in a situation similar to yours, and unfortunately, I relate all too well with having to go “no contact” also. I can tell you from what you have posted, though, that you are *far* from being no contact. And I mean this with absolute kindness, with the first hand knowledge of what it’s like to not be “out” yet. But you are not even close to being no contact.
No contact is is no contact- you lock things down completely from your end. Say bye, and block and delete numbers and emails, and ideally change them too, don’t look at social media or photos, don’t speak to mutual friends or his family, don’t check up on him, nothing. That is no contact. Otherwise, any contact you have (a message gets through to you, you talk to him or his family, etc), and your emotions will be soaring all over again, and you’re just going to go around and around in circles.
Good luck to you- I know first hand the sea of emotions that happen when you are extricating yourself out, and how hard that is.
thank you so much for your reply
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by blue26
oh god, you’re right. since i’ve posted this he’s back in his rehab (his 3rd stay now) and he’s called me a few times. in those calls nothing good has come of it, and i told him to stop calling and that we are done. he now has a new girl he’s trying to pull into his life, while also trying to keep me in it. i am very far from actual no contact, but i hope to not be soon. his friends and family are still reaching out to me and i’m getting to the point of annoyance that i may have to block them too. i’ve realized each time a message comes through from his friends or family, my heart sinks and starts pounding because it’s the closest thing to him contacting me himself. and that’s not good! if even them reaching out to me makes me feel that way, then i really need to get away from all of it and lock down on the no contact.
thank you so much for your reply
thank you so much for your reply
Yes, that’s exactly what happens.
Sometimes it takes a few tries, but the sooner you lock down all communication (from everyone, not just him, and that includes not looking at things that can trigger you) so nothing gets through to you, the sooner you can go through your own “detox” off of him, and be free. It’s not easy, I know. :/
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 4
My bf was a week clean attending a funeral out of state. He was so sweet and kind when he was clean. Came back and ended up overdosing, just got out the hospital Tuesday with partial paralysis in one of his legs and texted me he was so irritated because his mom kept him in the hospital because she convinced them he was an addict with no self control!
“It was a wake up call, because now he knows he can’t trust people”
My mind is blown…the wake up call was not that you could’ve died?
Already using again. I can’t have contact anymore because I can’t take the pain. He will die!
How can I just walk away knowing he will die? It feels impossible but so is every message/call that I get when he’s still using.
“It was a wake up call, because now he knows he can’t trust people”
My mind is blown…the wake up call was not that you could’ve died?
Already using again. I can’t have contact anymore because I can’t take the pain. He will die!
How can I just walk away knowing he will die? It feels impossible but so is every message/call that I get when he’s still using.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 66
Originally Posted by crackruinedus1
Came back and ended up overdosing, just got out the hospital Tuesday with partial paralysis in one of his legs and texted me he was so irritated because his mom kept him in the hospital because she convinced them he was an addict with no self control!
“It was a wake up call, because now he knows he can’t trust people” My mind is blown…the wake up call was not that you could’ve died?
How can I just walk away knowing he will die? It feels impossible but so is every message/call that I get when he’s still using.
“It was a wake up call, because now he knows he can’t trust people” My mind is blown…the wake up call was not that you could’ve died?
How can I just walk away knowing he will die? It feels impossible but so is every message/call that I get when he’s still using.
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Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by crackruinedus1
How can I just walk away knowing he will die? It feels impossible but so is every message/call that I get when he’s still using.
But it doesn’t really do anything but exhaust us, and make us feel ashamed and guilty when things “go wrong” that we couldn’t control.
If he is going to use until he dies, he will do that whether you stay or walk away. That is ultimately his responsibility. And it is his right to live his life how he chooses. His life is not your job, your life is. Would you be living your own life in the way you really want to if you stayed?
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Join Date: Jul 2021
Posts: 4
Edoering,
I am codependent and did think if I just did more, helped more in some way, I could make him get help. You’re right, I must surrender to the fact I have zero control and need to let go. It is his choice and own free will.
It just all hurts so badly, but I’m beyond blessed to have found this website and encouraging words!
Thank you all!
I am codependent and did think if I just did more, helped more in some way, I could make him get help. You’re right, I must surrender to the fact I have zero control and need to let go. It is his choice and own free will.
It just all hurts so badly, but I’m beyond blessed to have found this website and encouraging words!
Thank you all!
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,620
Originally Posted by crackruinedus1
How can I just walk away knowing he will die? It feels impossible but so is every message/call that I get when he’s still using.
As much as you disagree with his lifestyle, he doesn't have a problem with his drug, you do. He is a grown man and does get to make his own decisions. If you keep that in mind it will help. No, he may not be thinking clearly, but you can't change that.
Should he want help, he knows where to get it, there are AA meetings every day, several times a day all over the country and online as well. Nar Anon as well. I'm sure he has contacts also now that he has been in rehab.
You can't force him to take help and you have been there all along and nothing has changed, if you could fix this, it would already be fixed. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie?
Codependent at her finest
Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by edoering
The truth we all know but never want to think about is that we don’t really have any power over when someone else dies. Even if it fills us with guilt or pain, many people (especially codependents) still want to believe that maybe we can control life and death if we just care enough, work hard enough, say the right thing, etc. The secret “hope” of believing we have control in life can be very addicting, even if it means we work ourselves to exhaustion and misery trying to keep ourselves (and by extension everyone we love) “safe.”
But it doesn’t really do anything but exhaust us, and make us feel ashamed and guilty when things “go wrong” that we couldn’t control.
If he is going to use until he dies, he will do that whether you stay or walk away. That is ultimately his responsibility. And it is his right to live his life how he chooses. His life is not your job, your life is. Would you be living your own life in the way you really want to if you stayed?
But it doesn’t really do anything but exhaust us, and make us feel ashamed and guilty when things “go wrong” that we couldn’t control.
If he is going to use until he dies, he will do that whether you stay or walk away. That is ultimately his responsibility. And it is his right to live his life how he chooses. His life is not your job, your life is. Would you be living your own life in the way you really want to if you stayed?
needed to read these words right now
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Join Date: Mar 2024
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by blue26
hello to anyone who might read this ... i’m (19) currently really struggling with the “no contact” with my ex boyfriend (20) who’s an addict. i’ve posted a few threads on here before explaining the situation i’m currently in, and i’d really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read this.
my emotions keep flip-flopping back and forth between sadness and anger. the sadness i feel, i’ve realized is the part of my brain he’s been manipulating for the past 2 and a half years and i’m still stuck in those old, familiar habits. i’ll feel really upset, and worried about him and that i’m so awful for blocking him on everything and i should be checking in on him to see how he’s doing.
yet i know if i do that, i’ll be re-opening that door i worked so hard to close, and the boundaries i worked so hard to build, and i’ll just be putting myself in the position to be manipulated again, and be told empty promises or lies.
i’m guessing these emotions are normal coming out of a very unhealthy, co-dependent, relationship with an addict. it’s mentally exhausting feeling like this.
the anger i feel is the more rational part of my brain, i think. it usually ends up balancing out the sadness i feel and making me want to stick to the no-contact thing i’m doing. to anyone who’s reading this and is or has been in my situation, did you feel like this too?
i get so mad thinking about the things he has said to me, all the emotional abuse, and the cheating, and always blaming me.
about two weeks ago when i didn’t lie for him about the klonopin prescription he was hiding from his family, i told him “i’m sorry for not telling your mom i flushed them, but it was the right thing to do.”
and he told me, “until i overdose because i can’t stand this place anymore, then you really have to tell yourself it was the right thing.”
and that’s not the first time i’ve heard something like that! it’s like he uses this weird, manipulative, guilt-trip tactic to try and make me want to keep enabling him or else he threatens to kill himself, or talks about blaming me for his death.
when he no longer had any pills, he told me how exciting it would be to go buy more off the streets and not know if they’re medical or laced with something.
all of this has been on a constant loop in my mind. i know everyone says going no contact is the best thing you can do and i think i’m doing okay at it. i haven’t fallen into his begging of wanting me back and him promising he’s ready to change when he hasn’t shown any signs of it.
it just for some reason feels like the wrong thing to do at times. it’s really hard to wish him well in my mind and block and move on, even though i know that it’s best for me and hopefully somehow best for him too. but to anyone who’s dealt or is dealing with something like this, that is what you have to do, right?
my emotions keep flip-flopping back and forth between sadness and anger. the sadness i feel, i’ve realized is the part of my brain he’s been manipulating for the past 2 and a half years and i’m still stuck in those old, familiar habits. i’ll feel really upset, and worried about him and that i’m so awful for blocking him on everything and i should be checking in on him to see how he’s doing.
yet i know if i do that, i’ll be re-opening that door i worked so hard to close, and the boundaries i worked so hard to build, and i’ll just be putting myself in the position to be manipulated again, and be told empty promises or lies.
i’m guessing these emotions are normal coming out of a very unhealthy, co-dependent, relationship with an addict. it’s mentally exhausting feeling like this.
the anger i feel is the more rational part of my brain, i think. it usually ends up balancing out the sadness i feel and making me want to stick to the no-contact thing i’m doing. to anyone who’s reading this and is or has been in my situation, did you feel like this too?
i get so mad thinking about the things he has said to me, all the emotional abuse, and the cheating, and always blaming me.
about two weeks ago when i didn’t lie for him about the klonopin prescription he was hiding from his family, i told him “i’m sorry for not telling your mom i flushed them, but it was the right thing to do.”
and he told me, “until i overdose because i can’t stand this place anymore, then you really have to tell yourself it was the right thing.”
and that’s not the first time i’ve heard something like that! it’s like he uses this weird, manipulative, guilt-trip tactic to try and make me want to keep enabling him or else he threatens to kill himself, or talks about blaming me for his death.
when he no longer had any pills, he told me how exciting it would be to go buy more off the streets and not know if they’re medical or laced with something.
all of this has been on a constant loop in my mind. i know everyone says going no contact is the best thing you can do and i think i’m doing okay at it. i haven’t fallen into his begging of wanting me back and him promising he’s ready to change when he hasn’t shown any signs of it.
it just for some reason feels like the wrong thing to do at times. it’s really hard to wish him well in my mind and block and move on, even though i know that it’s best for me and hopefully somehow best for him too. but to anyone who’s dealt or is dealing with something like this, that is what you have to do, right?
As far as the guilt you feel and why you sometimes feel wrong for cutting off contact—it’s bc you’re a good person and also bc primarily, he spent years manipulating and guilt tripping you, just as mine has. Nevermind the ways he should feel terribly guilty for all he’s done to you—only he matters here. He would only ultimately bring you down, throw you under the bus if needed for his drug use, and possibly get you in trouble by affiliation. Staying in contact is more likely to do those things than it is to help him in any way. I believe that and have seen most of it play out in my own life. Try to stay strong and keep up the no contact. You CAN do it, just stay busy however you can. Time will make things better too. To be your age and have the willpower and wisdom you have to know that no contact is the way to go, to know you’re being manipulated, is remarkably strong. I don’t think I would have been so smart at that age. You are doing a great job!!!! Hugs 🥰
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