blue26

hi everyone, this is my third post on here. i know no one probably cares but i accidentally posted my last thread to the forum of "friends and family of alcoholics" instead of "substance abusers", so i don't know who will see this but ...

in my last post, I said I'm still getting texts from my ex boyfriend through my laptop even though his number is blocked in my phone (i'll have to figure out how to fix that). the last time i talked to him was yesterday when i caved and accepted his FaceTime call even though I'd been doing good on the whole no contact thing. the phone call was filled with him crying and begging for a second chance, but i didn't promise him anything, i held my ground about us no longer being together. last night another text came through from him, he said he wishes we could just talk and he has new songs he found he wishes he could play for me. that was something we always did together, listen to music and have deep conversations about anything and everything. i never replied to his text, if i did that would open the door up again and i'm sure he wouldn't stop contacting me after that. yet now i'm feeling guilty. i feel like i'm such a bad person for ignoring him and blocking him on everything yet i know that's what had to be done.

i no longer feel sad about us. i don't cry when i see old photos of us or thinking about the good times i wish we could go back to. it's only been about 4 days since we've broken up but i think the reason i no longer feel sad about those things is because i had time to miss those things while we were still together. for awhile, i got only about 5 days with the "happy, sober, real him" per month. every other day he was depressed, constantly high, distant, talking with or seeing other girls instead of me. so during those months i was feeling the way you're supposed to feel after a break up, yet i was feeling all of that while i was still with him. but he never noticed, nor did he ever seem to care about how i felt (still doesn't). it's like he has no empathy, all he ever feels are his own emotions and doesn't sense or care about anyone else's. it's to the point that for months i've been feeling like it seems sociopathic. i know that's how addicts are though, and what they do.
on my last thread, i was shared a link and i'll quote a part that sounds exactly like my ex boyfriend: "my feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. it doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you."

i'm no longer in the loop about things, what's going on, or how he's doing. i know deep down it's better that way so i don't get pulled back into it all again, but i still care and hope he's doing alright. i actually feel really bad for him, even if he doesn't deserve that from me after what he's put me through. i wish i could take all his pain away. my last memory of him is from the FaceTime call yesterday ... him breaking down crying. even if half of the things he told me could very well have been more lies, or manipulation trying to get me back, it pains me to see him like that.
i'm worried he's pulled in one of the girls he's cheated on me with as his new "support system", his new "person to understand him." he did that while he was with me, so why wouldn't he do it now that he's not? even while asking for a second chance with me, i could see it happening.

he told me yesterday, the reasoning for the cheating was because of the drugs. yet, while he was actively cheating, he said he was just "talking to them because it was someone to vent to. someone to understand him and his addiction." during arguments he said i never understood him, that's why he went looking for that connection elsewhere. but when he cries to me, begging for me to come back, i'm suddenly now the only person who's ever understood him and he can't lose me.

nothing ever adds up, i kind of feel like banging my head against the wall.
also, his birthday present finally came in late in the mail and now it's just sitting all sad on my floor. i wish i could give it to him, but i don't know if i can see him in person anytime soon or ever again for that matter.
this post might not have an actual meaning, but i just feel like there's a lot to get off my chest. and maybe someone will stumble across this who's going through something similar and maybe i can help them.