Starting to feel the rage
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
Starting to feel the rage
I know grieving isn’t linear, but I’m finally able to feel angry right now about how my AH is treating me. For me, that’s a pretty big deal because I almost never feel anger, I tend to feel pain/sadness more frequently. It’s been kind of freeing.
Today is my father’s birthday, and it’s been emotionally up and down because he and my mom are both worried it might be his last birthday with her (she’s battling cancer). Today I wondered if my AH ever did ask to reconcile, would I be able to forgive him for missing these important times? Because the partner I deserve could and would be here with me, supporting our loved ones.
Realistically, life is full of less than perfect situations, and if I did forgive him someday I wouldn’t judge myself for that, and if I couldn’t forgive him, I wouldn’t judge myself either. I don’t have to decide today about the unknown future. But right now, I get to be as damn mad at him and resentful as I want, without filter or shame or doubt.
Today is my father’s birthday, and it’s been emotionally up and down because he and my mom are both worried it might be his last birthday with her (she’s battling cancer). Today I wondered if my AH ever did ask to reconcile, would I be able to forgive him for missing these important times? Because the partner I deserve could and would be here with me, supporting our loved ones.
Realistically, life is full of less than perfect situations, and if I did forgive him someday I wouldn’t judge myself for that, and if I couldn’t forgive him, I wouldn’t judge myself either. I don’t have to decide today about the unknown future. But right now, I get to be as damn mad at him and resentful as I want, without filter or shame or doubt.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It sounds to me like you are processing your feelings in a healthy way. I "stuffed" mine for years, different feelings for different reasons but stuffing them hurt me more than letting them out would have.
I don't know if you have ever attended meetings, Al-anon or Nar-anon or CoDA, but these similar fellowships are a healthy place to let out what we feel while surrounded by support. People will talk about their own ESH (experience, strength and hope) and what helped them and nobody will challenge your feelings. You're darned right you are entitled to feel each one of them and then let them go to the universe when you have processed the pain. Sharing them here will help too, we are all walking with you on this journey.
I will pray for your mom, cancer is a tough one, and hope that you will find the courage and strength to get through the coming days. Happy Birthday to your dad, he is blessed to have a loving daughter like you.
I don't know if you have ever attended meetings, Al-anon or Nar-anon or CoDA, but these similar fellowships are a healthy place to let out what we feel while surrounded by support. People will talk about their own ESH (experience, strength and hope) and what helped them and nobody will challenge your feelings. You're darned right you are entitled to feel each one of them and then let them go to the universe when you have processed the pain. Sharing them here will help too, we are all walking with you on this journey.
I will pray for your mom, cancer is a tough one, and hope that you will find the courage and strength to get through the coming days. Happy Birthday to your dad, he is blessed to have a loving daughter like you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,616
Yes, it is a good thing. When you are standing in the middle of the tornado it can be hard to actually acknowledge feelings, or feel them. You are trying to maintain some kind of calm and equilibrium in your life, that takes lots of focus. It can sometimes be why people stay so long. They are trying so hard to make things "normal" trying so hard to maintain some sanity in an insane situation, it's a lot of work.
As for "forgiveness", well you can always just accept things happened. It happened. That allows you to let go of (at least some of) the resentment, anger and frustration. Doesn't mean you forget or want a repeat.
As for "forgiveness", well you can always just accept things happened. It happened. That allows you to let go of (at least some of) the resentment, anger and frustration. Doesn't mean you forget or want a repeat.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 334
Thank you, Ann and trailmix, for always being so active on this forum. These replies gave me some soothing respite from the desire to sob and punch him in the face! (in no particular order XD)
Ann, I did get to a meeting a week or two ago, but haven’t been since due to family commitments! I’m working on adjusting my schedule so I can make going to meetings a consistent habit.
It happened. It’s still happening. It will continue to happen. That’s useful, because it’s not an anxiety thought, or an insecurity, it’s just reality. I’m beginning to accept that this total stranger I’m furious with is only a stranger to me because I’d never known my AH when he was using before now. But this is what he’s like when addiction is running the show, simple as that. This person isn’t a stranger to him—hell, maybe it even feels familiar to him, “authentic” in a twisted way.
Most of my resentment stems him trying to convince me the past 7 years with me were “a lie.” I’m already grieving enough, I won’t accept losing my memories. But it’s on me to stop giving him the power to mess with my mind. He probably can’t help himself, he has to believe the past clean-and-sober him was a lie so that the addiction can be “his truth.” And what do I gain by trying to convince him he’s wrong? In my dreams, I gain his understanding and safety. In reality, I gain nothing. I can’t reason with addiction.
Well, I also resent his sudden total immaturity. I set a boundary that I wouldn’t be his secretary and manage both our moves out of our apartment, and that it would be his responsibility to organize the disposal or storage of our big furniture items... and of course he’s already pushing on that boundary. Telling me his new apartment is so much smaller he can’t take our big items with him but he’ll gladly “help me” arrange movers/cleaners/storage. I’m FURIOUS because I knew he would pull this ********. I will follow through with my boundary, and move my stuff that I want, and then tell him to figure out the rest of it.
I keep telling myself the three C’s but I don’t always believe them. I see his friends (recovering addicts) posting on social media about how their LO’s love “saved them” and helped them through their battle with addiction. Of course I feel inadequate. I see so many friends getting engaged or married happily. Of course I wonder if I “picked wrong.” But deep down I know those aren’t the real reasons I’m sad or angry. The real reasons aren’t so simple, and aren’t fixable.
Ann, I did get to a meeting a week or two ago, but haven’t been since due to family commitments! I’m working on adjusting my schedule so I can make going to meetings a consistent habit.
It happened. It’s still happening. It will continue to happen. That’s useful, because it’s not an anxiety thought, or an insecurity, it’s just reality. I’m beginning to accept that this total stranger I’m furious with is only a stranger to me because I’d never known my AH when he was using before now. But this is what he’s like when addiction is running the show, simple as that. This person isn’t a stranger to him—hell, maybe it even feels familiar to him, “authentic” in a twisted way.
Most of my resentment stems him trying to convince me the past 7 years with me were “a lie.” I’m already grieving enough, I won’t accept losing my memories. But it’s on me to stop giving him the power to mess with my mind. He probably can’t help himself, he has to believe the past clean-and-sober him was a lie so that the addiction can be “his truth.” And what do I gain by trying to convince him he’s wrong? In my dreams, I gain his understanding and safety. In reality, I gain nothing. I can’t reason with addiction.
Well, I also resent his sudden total immaturity. I set a boundary that I wouldn’t be his secretary and manage both our moves out of our apartment, and that it would be his responsibility to organize the disposal or storage of our big furniture items... and of course he’s already pushing on that boundary. Telling me his new apartment is so much smaller he can’t take our big items with him but he’ll gladly “help me” arrange movers/cleaners/storage. I’m FURIOUS because I knew he would pull this ********. I will follow through with my boundary, and move my stuff that I want, and then tell him to figure out the rest of it.
I keep telling myself the three C’s but I don’t always believe them. I see his friends (recovering addicts) posting on social media about how their LO’s love “saved them” and helped them through their battle with addiction. Of course I feel inadequate. I see so many friends getting engaged or married happily. Of course I wonder if I “picked wrong.” But deep down I know those aren’t the real reasons I’m sad or angry. The real reasons aren’t so simple, and aren’t fixable.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
One day your pain will turn into "lessons", lessons that will help you heal, find your own balance and recover and to learn to choose wisely when you decide to let someone else into your life. It will also teach you that you are stronger than you think and that you can manage your life without needing another person and to recognize when a good choice appears. Healthy attracts healthy, sick attracts sick. You already sound pretty healthy to me.
I hope you find support at a meeting, it's uncomfortable at first until you realize that everyone there has been through tough times and come out better for the journey.
It's okay to feel sad/angry/lonely/betrayed, just don't hang out there too long. Distract yourself with a walk or a good book or lunch with a friend or plan a nice trip, not that you will take right now but some time in the future when you feel better. The dream of a trip will help you look forward to a nice time doing something you love to do. It doesn't have to be expensive, there are some great camping sites or even day trips that won't hurt financially, depending on what you can afford.
Whatever you choose, know that we're here and we care.
Hugs
I hope you find support at a meeting, it's uncomfortable at first until you realize that everyone there has been through tough times and come out better for the journey.
It's okay to feel sad/angry/lonely/betrayed, just don't hang out there too long. Distract yourself with a walk or a good book or lunch with a friend or plan a nice trip, not that you will take right now but some time in the future when you feel better. The dream of a trip will help you look forward to a nice time doing something you love to do. It doesn't have to be expensive, there are some great camping sites or even day trips that won't hurt financially, depending on what you can afford.
Whatever you choose, know that we're here and we care.
Hugs
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