New here and heartbroken . Broke up with ex boyfriend - marijuana addict.
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Join Date: Apr 2021
Posts: 10
HardLessons, I really cannot begin to thank you enough for your sound advice, as well as the others. You kept me grounded, like no 'real' friend has. I never replied, because in reality I got caught up with life, which is a good thing! 3 weeks ago I could not get my feet out of bed, now I am much better. I am looking for jobs and playing with the idea of starting my business here in my hometown.
The past few days, we talked a bit with my ex, he always initiated contact. Surprisingly, after my break down on his birthday and me deciding not to contact him again and getting him out of my life, when he messaged me a week later, I didn't feel any strong emotions towards him. I kept my composure and controlled my emotions by bringing my logic to the front. This time I chose not to go back down the rabbit hole of thought patterns surrounding guilt, infatuation, love, companionship and old habits. I don't know how or why, it just happened. I guess I was fed up feeling sorry for myself. Anyways, he contacted me a few times and every time I felt in control, like his texts of love and undying devotion had no effect on me anymore, they could not bring me down again, like I had a shield on.
I think he realised that, because today I received an email from him on a very different note. It was passive aggressive. He accused me of many things, some of them true, that I need to work on for myself. Three things I cannot stand though: 1. He also blamed my parents (who ADORED him by the way and were so incredibly discreet throughout our relationship), 2. He told me the true reason we broke up was not weed and that I lied to him. 3. He told me I'm crazy basically.
So from all that, I realised he is in complete denial of the situation (although I am pretty sure he still has quit weed and I wish him well on his journey) and will always be. Too bad for him. To his long message I just replied 'Shame on you. I now realise what kind of person you are. I wish you all the best.' and let it go. I stopped playing the blame game, I am so emotionally drained.
Anyways, after the email, I felt so freaking angry. It was so unfair, he blamed me for so many unfair things that I felt like I was with an entirely different person all this time. I am still in awe of what he wrote. Of course, when you break up, you build up a lot of resentment and anger, but I did not expect those mean things and hits under the belt. I did not expect this disrespect and spite. Especially towards my parents who were incredibly supportive of our relationship. I really am sad to see that this is what it came to. But remember when I told you that when we first broke up I never felt relief? Well now I do. Because I now realise what he is capable of saying to manipulate me.
The reason I now come here again to thank you with all my heart, is because if it weren't for you guys (especially HardLessons), I would still be drowning in my doubts and regrets. You literally saved me from a bad decision. Your responses were incredibly helpful, I always read them again and again in moments of doubt and they gave me strength. If you are having a bad day, please remember that the time you took to 'listen' to me and advise me, was well worth it and you saved a woman from experiencing the hell that is the addiction of their once loved one (aka terminator, haha).
The past few days, we talked a bit with my ex, he always initiated contact. Surprisingly, after my break down on his birthday and me deciding not to contact him again and getting him out of my life, when he messaged me a week later, I didn't feel any strong emotions towards him. I kept my composure and controlled my emotions by bringing my logic to the front. This time I chose not to go back down the rabbit hole of thought patterns surrounding guilt, infatuation, love, companionship and old habits. I don't know how or why, it just happened. I guess I was fed up feeling sorry for myself. Anyways, he contacted me a few times and every time I felt in control, like his texts of love and undying devotion had no effect on me anymore, they could not bring me down again, like I had a shield on.
I think he realised that, because today I received an email from him on a very different note. It was passive aggressive. He accused me of many things, some of them true, that I need to work on for myself. Three things I cannot stand though: 1. He also blamed my parents (who ADORED him by the way and were so incredibly discreet throughout our relationship), 2. He told me the true reason we broke up was not weed and that I lied to him. 3. He told me I'm crazy basically.
So from all that, I realised he is in complete denial of the situation (although I am pretty sure he still has quit weed and I wish him well on his journey) and will always be. Too bad for him. To his long message I just replied 'Shame on you. I now realise what kind of person you are. I wish you all the best.' and let it go. I stopped playing the blame game, I am so emotionally drained.
Anyways, after the email, I felt so freaking angry. It was so unfair, he blamed me for so many unfair things that I felt like I was with an entirely different person all this time. I am still in awe of what he wrote. Of course, when you break up, you build up a lot of resentment and anger, but I did not expect those mean things and hits under the belt. I did not expect this disrespect and spite. Especially towards my parents who were incredibly supportive of our relationship. I really am sad to see that this is what it came to. But remember when I told you that when we first broke up I never felt relief? Well now I do. Because I now realise what he is capable of saying to manipulate me.
The reason I now come here again to thank you with all my heart, is because if it weren't for you guys (especially HardLessons), I would still be drowning in my doubts and regrets. You literally saved me from a bad decision. Your responses were incredibly helpful, I always read them again and again in moments of doubt and they gave me strength. If you are having a bad day, please remember that the time you took to 'listen' to me and advise me, was well worth it and you saved a woman from experiencing the hell that is the addiction of their once loved one (aka terminator, haha).
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
HB123
You need not thank me for anything. Im sorry your here & having to deal with all this. Over the years, so many on this forum helped me. I learned a lot. From reading what you wrote above seems to me you are also learning a lot. When dealing with an addict its important for us to make informed logical decisions rather than making those decisions mostly based on emotions.
From what you said about the email he sent you - it sounds about right coming from an addict. He wasnt getting the type of response he wanted from you during calls and / or texts. So he moved to a passive aggressive email. I have had the same type of treatment. When she wasnt getting what she wanted, she would try & work me over from every & any possible angle.
Your going through a process with this. I think same as we all do. You have a good understanding now. Give yourself time & see how you feel. Its a big world out there & there are a lot of healthy ways to keep yourself busy.
You need not thank me for anything. Im sorry your here & having to deal with all this. Over the years, so many on this forum helped me. I learned a lot. From reading what you wrote above seems to me you are also learning a lot. When dealing with an addict its important for us to make informed logical decisions rather than making those decisions mostly based on emotions.
From what you said about the email he sent you - it sounds about right coming from an addict. He wasnt getting the type of response he wanted from you during calls and / or texts. So he moved to a passive aggressive email. I have had the same type of treatment. When she wasnt getting what she wanted, she would try & work me over from every & any possible angle.
Your going through a process with this. I think same as we all do. You have a good understanding now. Give yourself time & see how you feel. Its a big world out there & there are a lot of healthy ways to keep yourself busy.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
If hes truly in recovery, then he should understand what hes done to you. He should give you all the time you need to heal. Tell him you will consider getting back together with him in a year. Then step back for the fire works show.
What kind of person completely dismisses your feelings and concerns?
The fireworks, they say you can tell if a person is really in recovery if you tell them "no". If he can't accept that (and obviously he can't) that's a good indicator that all is not as he wishes it were.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 2
Hello Heartbroken and everyone else. I read your messages and was crying. It must have been unbelievably awful to realise what you felt was right with your whole body and soul turned out to be lies. It makes you wonder if you will ever be able to tell if the next one comes along.
I recently split up with a partner of 6 months, not as long, i know. But I share your sentiment - he seemed perfect. And it hurts that we think so differently. Daily marijuana got in the way. He lives it, he believes in it, ive been brainwashed it is a drug or dangerous etc. And the contradiction of ' it is just a weed!' and spending £200 per month on it and planning your life and future around being able to grow it makes it sound more serious than just a petty plant tbh.
i know he is on his own path. Whatever it may be, I pray for him. Now i struggle with my own confidence. How can i ever tell any red flags? How can i avoid such mistakes in the future ( i asked him on our second date if he had any habits and he said no). How can i not feel that im the stuck up, rigid, religious, too serious one all the time?? Guys just keep saying to me i need to relax more ( another guy i was seeing previously suddenly told me he had been meeting guys for sex via an app). I thought i was ever going to date again after that and just go back to my home country and work on my mums garden till the rest of my life so i wouldnt have to meet anyone ever.
How did you recover from a damaged self image and confidence after this? Every time a guy i really like tells me something completely not in line with my values my world shakes so much. I live in chronic fear of always choosing the wrong people.
I hope youre not so Heartbroken anymore x I take strength from you all
I recently split up with a partner of 6 months, not as long, i know. But I share your sentiment - he seemed perfect. And it hurts that we think so differently. Daily marijuana got in the way. He lives it, he believes in it, ive been brainwashed it is a drug or dangerous etc. And the contradiction of ' it is just a weed!' and spending £200 per month on it and planning your life and future around being able to grow it makes it sound more serious than just a petty plant tbh.
i know he is on his own path. Whatever it may be, I pray for him. Now i struggle with my own confidence. How can i ever tell any red flags? How can i avoid such mistakes in the future ( i asked him on our second date if he had any habits and he said no). How can i not feel that im the stuck up, rigid, religious, too serious one all the time?? Guys just keep saying to me i need to relax more ( another guy i was seeing previously suddenly told me he had been meeting guys for sex via an app). I thought i was ever going to date again after that and just go back to my home country and work on my mums garden till the rest of my life so i wouldnt have to meet anyone ever.
How did you recover from a damaged self image and confidence after this? Every time a guy i really like tells me something completely not in line with my values my world shakes so much. I live in chronic fear of always choosing the wrong people.
I hope youre not so Heartbroken anymore x I take strength from you all
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