New here... And really need advice
 

Hello, I found this site googling for advice to my situation. I have a now ex that I've known for years. She has been through a ton in life (rape, molestation, abuse the whole nine) but we decided to give it a try two years ago. During that time I found out she was using heroin and cocaine. She ended up losing custody of her daughter late 2019 and went to rehab after hitting what I thought was rock bottom in January of 2020. When she got out of rehab everything was different. She was going to meetings and living in a sober house. She was working attending therapy and everything seem awesome. Then in March of last year everything just crashed. She told me her ex (the guy who introduced her to drugs and was responsible for a ton of the abuse she went through) was out of prison and contacted her online. She was scared but was hell bent on getting revenge and taking "her power back". Well a month later she had the guys named tattooed on her back was back on drugs. She would lie to me about everything, crashed the car I bought for her to get to work, stopped visiting her kid and got kicked out the sober living home.... All by the being of July. I was there through all of this but again everything was a lie. She told me she was living with her brother when in reality she was living with her exs sister in the same complex where he lived with his parents. When she crashed the car it took her three days to tell me and another week for me to get the key from her just to get the car towed. I spent months pulling my hair out and stressing because we would go long periods where she wouldn't even answer the phone and I would randomly see her in drug areas (I'm an emt so I'm in those areas a fair bit). So I'm calling hospitals and jails and praying that I don't ever have a call where I have to pick her up. The lies were so bad she told me she was taking over the lease to her brother's old apartment but it turned out it was her exs sister apartment. Fast forward to now and she's been clean since February (I take her to and from the methadone clinic every day) and she's trying to get her daughter back. But I have almost no trust in her. She's told me alot about that time and been up front about some things but after all of that I just question everything. Is this normal? Am I supposed to just cut her off? Idk how to handle this at all. And I'm afraid of just abandoning her cause I'm really attached to her daughter. That and her exs sister was killed by her ex in a similar situation that she was/is in. Sorry for the wall of text I'm just really frustrated and I want to be there and recognize where she is now but can't just pretend like the past doesn't hurt.
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​I left some stuff out but ask any questions you have. I'm here for real advice and want to be as open as possible.
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That is a lot! I hope you like it here, I think these forums are awesome.

I don’t have any knowledge about what is or isn’t “normal,” but I wanted to share something about trauma and PTSD that might be useful. For some individuals, especially those who have suffered sexual trauma, something that happens as part of PTSD is “repetition compulsion.” This is a compulsion/obsession/fixation on recreating the circumstances (or seeking out similar circumstances) as those of the initial trauma(s). There’s a lot of different possible psychological reasons for this depending on the person—trying to “change the ending” this time, maybe trying to convince themselves it wasn’t a trauma event but rather an event they wanted, the comfort of the familiar patterns, believing they aren’t worthy of anything better, etc. The compulsion can be very dangerous, and put people in positions where they repeat traumatic events in new situations.

There are professionals who specialize in trauma recovery and PTSD—treatment centers that work with Cognitive Behavioral Theory or EMDR and other techniques to help break those patterns and heal from trauma.

I don’t know if that helps, and it doesn’t justify what you are going through. I hope you feel better soon!

Sadly, your story has a familiar ring as it is all too common for active addicts to lie, manipulate, try to control their enablers and build hope then dash dreams...all because of drugs.

I think you already realize that there is nothing you can do to change her, that will come (or not come) when the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of living sober. My son, the addict in my life, has been on this drug journey for most of his adult life, leaving women and children in his trail and he goes from active addiction to rehab and recovery and then relapse and the cycle continues, getting worse each time. As I write this he has recently been sent to prison for some major drug dealing and car theft. I have been distanced from him for about 15 years now, I just can no longer live the life of someone who loves an addict, no matter what the relationship. I pray for my son each morning and let God take over for the rest of each day. I live well today, a happy and healthy life of healing and learning each day.

The fact that she is on a methadone program brings promise but is no guarantee that she won't relapse again. I pray for her sake and for that of her daughter that she can find and stay on a good path.

Your part in all this? Mostly it would be taking care of you first. If you can drive her each day and help her to help herself without getting emotionall entangled in all that addiction brings, then good for you. But be careful, you wouldn't be the first to lose your heart (and possessions) to someone living with addiction.

For me, meetings helped. Al-anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are similar fellowships that are about US and not them or their substance choice. I learned to set boundaries, I learned to decide what I could live with and what must change if I was to live a healthy life. Meetings and Soberrecovery helped me surround myself with support...for me...and saved me from myself and my codependent ways.

Welcome, I hope you stick around and join us, you are not alone on this journey. There is some good reading on the Sticky threads at the top of this forum. Maybe take some time and read and learn from those of us who have been there and found a better way to live.

Bulls626

I read your post.

My story is posted in this forum in numerous various threads. First was June of 2017. The last was January 2020 which was the last contact I had with her.

From what you posted, your story sounds exactly the same as my story even my last post about her in Jan 2020 sounds the same. Made me think possibly the same person?

Not the same person but crazy how similar the situations are (she doesn't drink but did rack up almost $2100 in ez pass tickets).

Thanks. Its definitely a struggle and it's hard to set boundaries. I never been with someone who was in addiction so it's hard for me to accept certain things. I do want to try al anon. It's just really hard cause I do see good in her I just feel like now do I second guess everything or do I take it at face value and risk setting myself up?

Hi Bulls, I advise big caution. I absolutely wouldn't take everything at face value. She has only been "clean" a matter of weeks, her head probably isn't really even clear yet. She has been living a life of lies, probably for quite some time.

Trust is earned. You've heard the saying, no doubt. Now the reason for that is for things like this situation. Doesn't mean we can't trust a person at all that we meet, but over time we find out their true intentions/nature/personality. They might be a great example of compassion and integrity and morality, but how do you know that? Over time.

So far all she has proven to you is that she is an addict and a liar. Truthfully. When someone shows you that, why would you trust them now? At least for me it would take quite some time to earn that trust, by actions, not words.

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. If that means cutting her out of your life, then it does. If this little arrangement is going to hurt you, why would you sacrifice yourself. Doesn't mean you can't talk periodically (if you want to) or that you can't be somewhat distant friends, but it does mean that diving right back in to her life right now might not end well.

You are obviously a very compassionate person, but this time it might be misplaced. Can she not get a ride to the clinic with someone else or take the bus?

How is doing this drive every day affecting you?

You may also want to check out the friends and family of alcoholics forum, there are probably a lot of threads there you can relate to as well and of course you can post over there as well if you want to:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Yes EZ Pass violations. Mine constantly drove through the EZ Pass lane but had no EZ Pass. Stacks of violations would come in the mail. She only paid attention to it when she got notified they were going to suspend her driving privileges unless she paid. Then she expected me to pay.

Since our stories are so similar hopefully you will read my story posts. Over the spam of years, I was given a lot of top quality advice from the big gun participants here at sober recovery. I went through hell with my addict. So many things are exactly the same as your story.

Im very sorry to hear from reading your story that there is a daughter involved. I have an extremely soft spot in my heart concerning the daughter in my story. Although I havent spoken to her (daughter) since January 2020 I think about her often. Over the years, CPS has gotten involved & removed her from the addict mother. Last I know of was latter part of 2019. Very sad story.

Bottom line I learned that even though I tried to no end to help my addict, there was nothing I could really do for her - because she didnt want to help herself. Also im no relation to the daughter so I lost her in this destructive process.

I had to let go of it all. In reality, I had no other choice.

It's all too familiar from HardLesson's story, unfortunately.

Just in case you don't know (since it's kind of hidden) To read HL's previous posts/threads, just click on his username in this thread, above where his picture would be, on the left.

Choose public profile. Once there choose the Statistics tab and from there you can view all posts or view all threads (that he has started).

Trailmix

Based on what you said above, I just went back and started reading my own last thread posted about her from January 2020.

Its several pages long. I only got to midway page two and had to stop reading. Such an incredible mess. I hope my part in her life story is over.