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My Crack Addict Son Disappeared Over Two Months Ago

Old 03-19-2021, 05:48 PM
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My Crack Addict Son Disappeared Over Two Months Ago

My son has been addicted to crack for about twenty years. Before that it was alcohol or whatever drug he could find to get high. He is 48 years old now. He has spent the past thirty years in either jail, prison or rehab. Well in early January of 2021, I received a call from someone in Chicago, IL telling me that they had found my son panhandling on the streets of Chicago and he was very high and incoherent. They said they tried to help him and he gave them my phone number and so they called me. I thought it was a joke when they said they were with him and calling from Chicago. We live in Houston, TX. I thought he was upstairs in my garage apartment. I had no idea he had gone anywhere. I told them I would send money for them to put him on a bus back to Houston. They said they would. I have no idea who these people are because we don't know anyone in Chicago. I asked how he got there and they said he got in a car with some people Houston, he didn't even know, with the promise to help him get money for drugs. So he hopped in the car with them and took off to Chicago.

Well the next morning, they put him on a bus back to Houston. After the bus got a few miles out, he asked the bus driver to let him off and he called the people he had gone to Chicago with to come and pick him up. Someone called me and said he had gotten off the bus and was back with them. I asked to speak to him. He got on the phone and I asked him why he got off the bus instead of coming home. The things he was saying didn't make any sense, like he was homesick and wanted to go back to Chicago. Well, we have never lived in Chicago, and we don't have any friends or relatives there either.

I received another call from him two weeks later and this time he was in New Orleans, I think he was with the same people. He asked me to send him some money for a motel room and some food. I said I would not do that and he needed to come back to Houston. That was the last time I heard from him. The cell phone he called from has now been disconnected. He does not have a cell phone and never has, because you see, he has given away ever cell phone he has ever had for crack. Many, many cell phones too. So I am at a total loss of where he could possibly be or what happened to him. I checked online and he is not in jail anywhere that I could find.

I just feel like I am never gonna see my son again. I just never thought it would end this way. I know cannot take care of a 48 year old man because it was killing me, and I made it very clear to him that he needed to get his life together and learn to make it on his own, but the crack is all he can think about. Maybe I should practice more of what Ann's post said about letting go.
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Old 03-20-2021, 02:09 PM
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Hi GK
It's so sad when they live such chaotic lifestyles. You are correct though, we need to continue to practise " letting go" - for the sake of our own sanity.
We can only love them, and hope that they may someday, love themselves enough to turn their life around.
Sending you a huge hug
Much Love
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Old 03-20-2021, 04:03 PM
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GK, your story could be mine. Middle age adult son who continues to use no matter what or where. The bus tickets that get cashed (for drugs), the cell phones that are sold for drugs, the "assistance" we send be it groceries, money for medical needs, some time in a motel...all done because we love our sons and just want them to be okay.

My son knew where the real help was, shelters (with counselors), detox, rehabs (the Salvation Army Rehabs are mostly free) and meetings of AA or CA or NA where he could find his balance again. "I" was not the solution, as a matter of fact I was a big part of the "problem" by enabling my son in the name of love.

As you probably know, my son disappeared for about 15 years and I never knew where he was or if he was dead or alive. I learned to start my days with a prayer, asking God to take care of him and then I learned to live a healthy life free from addiction of any kind. When he finally surfaced, I learned through a 3rd party that he had recently been released from prison and wanted to contact us. My reply was to try again in 6 months and time would tell me the direction he chose to take. It was a very short time and he was back at it and last I heard (read in a newspaper) he had been arrested with another man with a large amount of drugs and money and it was clear he had moved "up" to dealing in a big way. He will spend a long time in prison, I think. I don't worry about it because it's no more dangerous than living in the world he has chosen. I have no regret in deciding to "wait and see", I saw enough and I was not inviting that circus back to my life ever again.

What I learned many times was to let go. For me lessons need to be repeated to poke me in the ribs a nd remind me to grab my own recovery and hang on tight. I learned that nothing I did or didn't do, nothing I said or didn't say, made a bit of difference in how he chose to live his life. I learned that "his" addiction could kill "me".

I learned that the best thing to do, no matter what the drama, was absolutely nothing.

It wasn't easy but God and I have a very close relationship today and I am grateful for even the pain that led me to Him. My life is so much better when I turn everything over to Him. My son knows God too and will find him when and if he is ready. God knows where he is.

No mother or father should have to lose a child to drugs. We can fight disease and circumstance but we just cannot fight drugs, it's all bigger than us.

We are all here to walk with you on this journey. We know your pain and will share our light until you can find yours again. Please keep your own support in place, whether it be here or at meetings or counseling...or all of the above. YOU matter and I promise you that it can get better and life can be worth living again. Stick around, help yourself to the warm support and caring.

Remember, the best thing we can do for our addicted children is...nothing. Doing nothing is an action and a good choice.

Hugs from this mama's heart to yours.

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Old 03-20-2021, 06:05 PM
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Ann, thank you, thank you so much for your message. I can't tell you how much better you have made me feel about my situation by sharing what you have gone through with your son. I do hope my son is safe somewhere. I'm so happy that someone understands what I am going through. Your message means so much to me and so does this Forum. It helps to read what other people are going through and I don't feel so all alone.
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Old 03-20-2021, 07:11 PM
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Thanks Bute so much for your message
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Old 03-20-2021, 08:36 PM
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I will keep your son in my prayers. And you too, it's not easy being us but it's good we are not alone here.


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Old 04-10-2021, 06:31 AM
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I heard from my son and he is living in Chicago with some other drug addicts. He knows he has some money left in his bank account here and he calls me constantly wanting his money. He yells that it is his money and he owes people money there. I said I would put some of the money on a debit card for him to buy necessities, but only a small amount of money. I could hear people in the background telling him to get more money. I know he will trade the money on that card for crack, but I don't know what to do. It is stressing me out to no end!
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Old 04-11-2021, 01:03 PM
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Hi GK
I think I would be inclined to just give him the money if it's his. He will do with it what he will. He will only continue to call otherwise.
De-stress yourself, and I would have a mind to block him for a bit, if possible, to get some peace.
Take Care of you
Much Love
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Old 04-11-2021, 03:58 PM
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Bute, I think you are so right. It would relieve a lot of stress if I just gave him his money and be done with it. I don't have any control over how he spends it and I really just don't care anymore. I told him yesterday that I would not be able to talk to him on the phone anymore because he just stresses me out too much. So blocking his number is a great idea. Thank you for your helpful advice.
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Old 04-12-2021, 04:30 PM
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My son opened a bank account once that required both of us to sign cheques or withdrawls (his request). I left it to him to manage his bills and use the account wisely and simply co-signed. What was I thinking??!! I am NOT his banker.

One day he came to my office and I knew he wanted "his" money to use and I refused to go to the bank with him. He went into a rage that I have never seen before or since. He was out of control with rage and, quite frankly, I was afraid. I asked him to calm down and then told him that I would go to the bank and simply take my name off the account and requirement to sign and he was free to manage his own money, however badly, and that I would no longer handle anything that he could and should handle himself.

He withdrew the money, went on a 2 day drug bender and the money was gone. I let that be his problem, and just kept a safe distance while he continued down the path of addiction.

I learned that we cannot control them, their money, where they go and what they do. It's an illusion to think we can "help" them into sobriety. It was a hard lesson for me, but one more to carry with me on my own journey and one I didn't need to learn over and over again.

"We" cannot save them, we cannot manipulate (however well-intentioned) and the more we try, the sicker WE get.

The hardest thing I ever did was to step back and let my son live his own life, make his own terrible mistakes and know that I could not rescue anyone who wasn't willing to rescue themselves.

That's a long answer to say "Yes, blocking his number is a wise decision, not to punish him but to protect yourself from the emotional damage that comes with trying to reason with an active addict".

I am cheering you on here, when our stories are no longer about "them" but instead about the good things we are doing for ourselves...we know that our own recovery is healthy and strong.

Hugs from my heart to yours.
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Old 04-18-2021, 06:21 PM
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Good Karma, I agree with what Ann and the others have said. I was addicted to meth for a few years and what made me want to change was losing things. Fortunately for myself, I didn't have to lose much to make me want to change, but there is nothing you can do to make him want to change. I do still remember what a hold the drug had over me, and to this day I'm still surprised at how it took a hold on me in. In 30 seconds my life was changed. You can just take care of yourself and let him do what he needs to do. Over the years, I've had to deal with many addicts in my life as well, and they can be very strong in their plight. Best thing to do is stay is keep as much distance as you can, even when it's family. Love and light to you....
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Old 04-19-2021, 05:48 AM
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Hugs out to you, Miss Done. So good to see you here and thank you for sharing your story with Good Karma.
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Old 04-19-2021, 06:38 AM
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I have just sincerely prayed for his return and a way out of crack addiction. Very sad. I was into alcohol and crack too. the crack was gone, but alcohol been lurking around. I myself only have almost two weeks sober from alcohol this time around.
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