tootphillips

Hi guys! My fiance and I have been together for two years, and it sure has been a roller coaster ride. He is currently in a six month rehab facility. This summer was one of the worst he has ever had. Little back story. We met, and it was an instant connection. He was then clean and slipped up, got caught, went to jail. 10 months go by, he gets out, and finds me to reconnect. I had previously told him I couldn't do it and went on about my life. Single mom. Ya know, the whole deal. Anyways, it was like he never left. We instantly got back together and all those feelings were still there. I told him I would help him stay clean. Then all his addict friends became more important and it got to where he would leave, block me and not come home. He ended up loosing his job, so I sent him back to his parents. It was just too much to deal with. Then he swore to me he was clean so back together. I stayed on him about working and following his goals. He was doing so good. But old habits die hard when you aren't ready to give it up. I left. I was so suicidal fighting for him to get better. We fought everyday. Got physical. It was a whole mess. So two months went by and he was going to rehab on his own. He called and wanted to make amends before he left. Right his wrongs. He was so healthy looking. Where was this man when I was trying to build a life for us. When he wouldn't work. When I stayed up worrying about him. I had my best friend back. He thanked me for saving his life and I took him to rehab. With covid, they don't get family visits, so I know he is depressed. But I have only ever stuck by this man until I couldn't anymore. Took care of his kids, my kids. The house, worked. The whole nine. Now im pushing him to become better. He is back and forth. I love you, we aren't good for each other. I need you to keep me straight, I don't want to do this. The back and forth is killing me. I send him money and things he needs weekly and am paying his bills and getting his kids while he is gone. Falling in love with his family. The whole nine. Im loosing myself the more back and forth we are. but im not one to give up on someone i love and i do big time he is so good sober. just gets around the wrong people. he wont leave the past in the past. any advice would be great.

Ann

Welcome to SR, Toot. I am sorry for your pain but glad you found us.

Something we learn, some sooner than others, is that nothing we do or don't do will make them change. We will, however, drive ourselves crazy trying. My grown adult son is the addict in my life. I tried for years and years to "help" him get clean and stay on that good path...today many years later he is still using, has been in and out (and back in) to prison and I had to let go several years back or die myself trying to save him.

Please take a good read around, especially the sticky threads at the top of this forum. There is a lot of helpful information there. Also, there is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that helped many of us figure out why we held on to toxic relationships and how to get help for "ourselves". It's well worth the read.

I hope that you can take some time just for you and your own recovery to figure out why you are drawn into such a toxic relationship. You deserve so much better, but you have to believe that and go through your own process of change to find a healthier way to live.

Good luck.

HardLessons

You wrote: " He was then clean and slipped up, got caught, went to jail" I am thinking he was on some type of official court ordered probation which prohibited any illegal drug use. He tested positive & for serious probation violation was sent to jail? Or is it something else?

What drugs is he addicted too?

Thanks

tootphillips

Thank you. I left when the worst of his addiction was hurting my life, but came back when he decided he needed help. He is amazing when he is sober. I can't stand him when he is high. I just am at a loss on how to feel during this recovery process. I know there is a lot of emotions back and forth through it all. I began therapy several months ago and it has helped. I have gained so much of myself back that I feel like a new person. While he is in rehab, I am focusing on getting things back in order in our home and fixing my life. Even went back to school. I am proud of who I am becoming and who he seems to be becoming. His gratitude has grown some, but he still is a little ungrateful sometimes. I am taking care of him and our house while he is in there. Even have him a job lined up for him. I have so much free time on my hands right now, I could write a book. HAhA. I will most definitely take a look around. I have showed this sight to mother in law and she is going to be utilizing it as well.

sevenofnine

Losing yourself is a bad sign. A good relationship should make you feel like more of yourself.
It sounds like you enjoyed being the one to step up and take care of everyone through all this. And that is awesome that you are strong and caring to do that. However the romantic part of this dynamic is probably not on a successful trajectory. Trying to take care of someone enough to keep them sober is like trying to kiss your elbow--they can do it, but you can't. It isn't your fault you can't kiss your elbow either. Just how it is.

I think YOU also deserve all that great care you have been giving others. So if you choose to stay, use those care skills to create plans for inevitable bumps (when, not if they come). Or use those care skills to build something else, something new, on a better foundation. No judgement on what you decide--i have been on both sides, so I understand. Just a suggestion to keep your own needs central. Having an addict around tends to pull focus!

tootphillips

meth and pills.

tootphillips

Thank you. And yes I understand. That was something he has been making ammends for since he began this journey. I have more mental health concerns rather than what I just put in here. I came from a very narcissistic family. So when I ventured out into a new town with him, I began "growing" so my therapist likes to call it. I have more support with his family than I have ever had with his mom. I know hiccups are ineveitable, but he keeps saying he is done with it, doesnt want to miss anymore on life with the kids, and its so hard not to believe him. He has been to various rehabs, and has stuck and listened to this one longer than any other. Maybe I am just living on blind faith, hopless romantic, but I did see a huge change in him.