cynthialamarche

He treats me so good! Roses, Champagne, he loves me more than the world. How do I let go of him when he treats me so well but is a cocaine addict and dabbles in any drug available???

trailmix

Hi cynthia. Is it all champagne and roses?

Addictions are usually progressive. The person you have now is not the person he may be a few years from now.

Do you have a problem with his drug use?

Ann

I agree with Trailmix, the person he is today will not be the person he is when "dabbling" turns into full fledged addiction.

Take a read around, it may help you see what may be ahead for you..

Bute

Hi Cynthia,
"Dabbling" is always the starting point, I believe. It will progress.
Does he gave a good job, to be able to buy champagne/roses, and afford his drugs of choice.
I sometimes think, that there's always more that isn't disclosed, and you only find out when things become bad, and the sh*t hits the fan.
Yes, he may treat you well, now, but as his drug use changes from dabbling to dependancy, that may change too.
Take good care of You!
Much Love
Bute xx

sevenofnine

How long have you been in this relationship? It is quite common for people to only show their good side in the first 18 months, when hormones flow and everyone is on their best behaviour. But that part necessarily ends, with infatuation and excitement hopefully replaced by security and comfort. New relationship energy is just that--it won't continue indefinitely.
I have noticed a similar pattern with my xah's dedication to sobriety; it was like a new romance. After a relapse he would be 110%, trying to do everything right--housework, exercising, meetings, healthy food, all thse great changes. But it wouldn't be a sustainable thing to be at 110% for long. And then the old behaviors start slipping back in. A "harmless" smoke of a joint. A casual hangout with a bad influence buddy. Each day he got further from the relapse, he would get one step further away from thinking he had any kind of problem.

I also grew up with emotionally neglectful parents who left me starving for validation, attention and emotional connection, so I was perfect prey for that love bombing behavior of my xah, hungry as I was for someone to "see me." When xah did these things I thought I was the centre of his universe, which was extremely intoxicating. It made it hard to notice that there were also red flags everywhere.

cynthialamarche

I should have given more information. Ive been with boyfriend for 3 years. Hes a full fledged high functioning cocaine addict. He does it every day and has for years. I find it hard to look past how well he treats me to leave. I do think he self medicates for an undiagnosed underlying issue. The good days definitely are more frequent than the bad, however he does have typical DA behaviour ex.. goes to his buddies and doesn’t come home until the next day, he lets his bills go, he lets responsibilities build up until they become to overwhelming to deal with. I cant understand why I cant just let him go. I feel like maybe the good days make me forget about the bad days. I NEED HELP TO LET GO. I wish he wasnt such a good person!!!! Please help

trailmix

Have you read about intermittent reward? Google it to read up more, this is common in dysfunctional relationships.

Yes, "high functioning" can be a stage in any addiction. The problem being that it is just a stage and not a type of addiction. This can change over a period of years or suddenly. You may have even noticed a progression.

Perhaps he isn't even really "high functioning" anymore? Letting bills go, letting responsibilities become overwhelming. What is high functioning? That he actually gets to work and earns an income?

You say he treats you well but he goes out all night to have a drug fest at his buddies house. That doesn't sound like being treated well. I am also sure there are other things.

You know this is not a healthy relationship, which I imagine is why you are here. Perhaps your dream is to have a family and children, addicts do not make good parents (or partners for that matter). The first thing I would recommend is a book, Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent by the way, I certainly don't know, but there is a lot of good information in there about boundaries in relationships that you might relate to. Also it's about looking after yourself. It is the book most often recommended around here.

You can't change him and it doesn't look like you are trying and that's a good thing. You can only change your approach to this and the way you look at it. If this is not a place you want to be, then absolutely you should leave, no question. All you need is a plan. Do you work? If so you can support yourself so maybe it's time to start looking for your own place. If that is not a good option right now are there friends or family you could stay with for a while?

It's important to get out of the situation so you can see it really clearly.

cynthialamarche

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I work, I earn a good living and can completely give myself a good life. I dont have to depend on anyone. I know it sounds crazy wanting to stay even though I know its not normal to do coke everyday. Its really hard to look past how amazing he is for the most part. I actually wish he was a huge ******* because it would make it so much easier. Why is it so hard to shut my heart off and listen to my head??

kevlarsjal2

Hi Cynthia Is there a reason why you want to leave him that comes from your heart? From what you wrote it sounds almost like you are mostly happy but only dislike his cocaine addiction cause it isn't normal. So why would you want to leave a great relationship with an amazing man?

I'm not trying to gaslight you here by the way. What I'm trying to get at is that, most likely, there are reasons why your heart is unhappy with him and it is actually your head that tells you otherwise ("Hey, but on paper everything looks fine (apart from that little addiction), he gets you champagne and roses and everything you want!") But does he really give you what you want the most? How would you define the relationship of your dreams? Would material things like champagne and gifts come first? Or would you prioritise a reliable partner who you can trust and who is present? Listen to your heart again, it might not be as happy with him as your head tells you.

sevenofnine

I don't recommend waiting til it is 100% clear he is an %#*hole. By then he will have wronged you more, when at this time he has already showed you who he is. You just have to believe what you see.
(of course I stayed 14 years with xah and went through at least 10 super traumatic and destructive relapse benders, and somehow managed to take that long to see a pattern and actually believe it would repeat. For me I guess I had to be able to tell myself I had tried everything. So I understand staying in disaster rollercoaster all too well.)

trailmix

Maybe ask, why would it not be? This is human nature. If not, every time a little problem or large problem cropped up we would all be running for the hills. That said, when your head keeps telling you this isn't good/what you really want etc - then, that's time to listen.

Sometimes you need to let your head rule. If you don't want an equal and viable (longer term) relationship, then keep listening to your heart. If you want what is best for you and your future, then sometimes we have to do something even though our heart is sad, it does hurt and it's hard to allow that hurt to happen. Time will heal that, time and looking out for yourself.

cynthialamarche

Thank you so much everyone for the advice. Hearing from people who have went through this vs friends and family helps so much more. My head says go and I know I should. My heart is a horrible little devil on my shoulder that makes it so hard. Ive never had a love like this before but I know deep down its not someone I can make a life with. I just want my heart to shutup so I can listen to my head. I just want to also state that its not material things that keep me its how great he is when hes great. IE. i had a major surgery and he sat in the hospital for 5 days straight and hand fed me when I was hungry. Its so hard to look past thise things to make the logical choice

sevenofnine

Oh, I hear that! I have a chronic pain problem and xah was generous with massages and helping. It was physically super hard to leave, feeling like I couldn't handle heavy chores etc on my own. (It turns out I can, if I strategize how I do things and adapt them a bit, or if I just take lot longer).
I also felt that maybe because I was damaged goods, I couldn't expect more. (Spoiler: I can. Easily)
It turns out that being there for your partner in a time of need is actually a super common thing that most people expect to do in a relationship.

trailmix

There has to be a bigger downside here than his addiction in general, what are those things? What's it like when he's not so great?

cynthialamarche

Wow! That really made me think. “Its a super common thing” for someone to take care of you when you are sick!!! I never really thought of it that way. Maybe he isnt so special. Maybe im just not used to having someone who does that. Maybe hes not as great as I think in my head he is. I think that hes is the first person I truly loved and am telling Myself that hes a way better person than what he actually is. I think I need to do some work on myself and realize hes just doing what anyone in a relationship should do.

sevenofnine

The me stuff is the hardest stuff to face. And I think it is really important to understand myself as part of the addicted relationship dynamic or I am doomed to fail again next time, no matter who I choose to be with.


Plus the me stuff is the only stuff you can make any change to.

(Sure was easier to NOT work on me and just sit in judgment of xah, blaming him for wrecking things while *I* was the good one who picked up the pieces)

HardLessons

I just saw a documentary on TV concerning the Miami FL area and the explosion of coke use. Cocaine was being pumped in to Miami in large quantities. They made special note of the fact that countless successful business professionals fell victim to this highly addictive drug. Countless lives were destroyed.

Also from my direct experience people addicted to coke dont just use coke they are mixing in a variety of other drugs including alcohol. Coke addiction & gambling go hand in hand. Coke & promiscuous sex yes happens big time both men & women.

When you arent with this guy I wonder what he's doing. It is what it is.

I remember when I was half in & half out of a relationship with an addict. In reality I was all out because it had no where to go but end.

cynthialamarche

I have left him. Ive found out pretty much everytime we've had a fight Hes slept with someone. Im done. I dont want to live my life worrying that every time he leaves the house he’s cheating. I can only imagine the things I dont know about. Thank you everyone for all the experiences and comments. I dont feel so alone in this. Its nice to get advice from people who have been there xo

trailmix

Hi cynthial, I'm sorry because you are probably very hurt, but I'm also happy for you that you got away from him. He has nothing to offer you.

I hope you will take some time to focus just on yourself. You certainly deserve so much better than this.

I also hope you will take the time to read Codependent no more. Not because I think you're codependent, that has a very negative sound to it (even the author doesn't like the word) but because there is so much valuable information about boundaries in relationships and about looking out for yourself.

Indigochild

Hey,

I’m sorry to hear how it ended, but I had to reply and say that I genuinely was reading this like I had wrote it myself. Please, take a look at my profile and read the progression in my threads of how things worked out. I am sure you will be suffering a trauma bond and these are extremely hard to move on from. I am still struggling myself.

Although it was very sad to hear you found out he was cheating on you, it wasn’t surprising. I too wondered how someone seemingly so loving could be so devious. They are masters of disguise.

I also wasn’t shocked to hear how well you do for yourself, I think being successful and independent is appealing to addicts as you are less likely to need much from them and there is more they can take from you.

please keep us updated with how you are getting on, and know there are others who know how you are feeling right now. It hurts when you find that knight in shining armour is far, far from it.

IC x