Don’t know what to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Don’t know what to do.
I haven’t posted on this site for years. Basically, my story is sadly the same as most. My x is a drug addict, cheated, abandoned me and his child and we were left broken. I did finally come out of the pain. I’m happy. Settled. I bought my first home. I’m focused on my career and feel very satisfied and content. So, the pain does ease, but there are still some broken pieces of glass on the floor I step on occasionally.
My x lost custody and only is allowed 2 hours supervised visits a week. In 9 years, he has probably seen his child a total of 6 months. I have always followed the legal agreement because I never wanted to lose what I had. It was hard. The constant cancellation of visits and disappearing acts were and still are the norm. And sometimes the x was nice and sometimes he wasn’t. It’s easy to say ignore the call or block him, but like I said I followed the legal agreement to the t. I knew he was using and hanging out with disgusting people and couldn’t imagine handing my son over for a weekend. I could’ve taken a chance ( he has no money) , but I just could not take a chance. I protected my child as much as possible. For example, not even telling about the visits and then when he would cancel my child never knew any different. Needless to say, no matter how much I have tried to do the right thing and protect, my child still has been affected. My child was abandoned by her father., and that is a deep pain she will have to deal with forever.
so, the disappearing acts are the worst. He will disappear for months and then either come back demanding or with his tail between his legs. Guess it just depends on his mood. As my child got older I would ask, your dad wants to see you, are you game? SHe would always happily say yes and just be happy to spend time with him. It was always supervised. Never consistent. So, this past disappearing act was at least 2-2.5 years, and right before that he had made promises to my child he never followed thru on. My kid was pissed and actually told him how she felt. They had like 3 phone conversations about it. I stayed out of it. I was really proud that my kid was able to tell my x exactly how she felt. Finally, my child had said her peace and they moved on. But he kept disappearing and not calling regularly. Then, disappeared for a good 2 years or so. Anyways, Of course, he pops in right before the holidays( and during a pandemic) . I told him we won’t be available until Jan. So, I have bought some time to let this sink in. I’ve been talking to my pre teen about this appearance and she just wants to tell him off. I told my pre teen due to the pandemic we can only FaceTime until things get better, and she said, I don’t care. I want to tell him off and I don’t ever want to see him again. I don’t care about him. So I’m like, Yikes! What do I do? Have you ever dealt with a strong willed pre teen. It’s fun! Lol.
healthy or not, I have always been the mediator. I don’t know what to do. My child is now a pre teen. I don’t think it is healthy to even see or talk to him, but legally I’m always worried. So, I told my x the obligatory, think about the child not what you want, and asked him why he never asks about our child’s abandonment issues. He always reappears like he just saw us yesterday. Lol, like he will listen to that!!! But I had to text it. We don’t talk. We text. Which is dumb, but I don’t want to talk to him. I also don’t want to tell him my child is wanting to tell him off on the phone convo because my loyalty is to my child, but I don’t feel like dealing with the aftermath of this convo. As I’m typing this I’m thinking, my child is very verbal. She is not scared to speak her mind. So maybe it’s time for me to step back and let them work this out. Like they did the last time.
It just makes me so anxious! But, I guess I just gotta get over that.
I have no money for a lawyer. I’ve searched and see there is a child abandonment action I could take which would dissolve all his rights, but I can’t afford a lawyer at all. He has no money either. He’s 3 months behind on child support. My child is also starting to get to an age where the courts would take his verbal desires into consideration. So, do I chance it and just block his a$$? I’m terrified to do this. I’m afraid I’ll lose my full custody and supervised visits.
Another mess is my X’s immediate family. I’ve completely blocked all of them out of our lives. I just can’t have a relationship with them. They deny my x has a drug addiction. They act like my x hasn’t done anything wrong. They never ask how my child is dealing with being abandoned. They never ask me, a single mom, if I’m ok. They would only contact me for holidays and my child’s birthday. They act like everything is normal. I can’t handle that. Plus, I was pretty close with them. So when I do see them I miss them and feel so hurt that they dismissed me. Also, when the x has disappeared I especially don’t want anything to do with them...especially his mother ( his biggest in denial enabler). I feel like they would get involved. And honestly, it is so peaceful when he disappears. No toxic drama. So, I blocked them. I feel guilty. Like am I holding my child away from them? I think his mom is super pissed at me. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I just have to keep myself healthy. There is only so much one can take. So, I feel bad about that. I guess I will see how and if my child and the x can work out this and go from there on rekindling those relationships. I have decided for my health I want absolutely nothing to do with them. So, visits will be made without me. But, because my x can only have supervised visits I don’t trust his family. So, it’s just complicated. I don’t feel comfortable dropping off my child.
And the x is living with his toxic sociopath alcoholic gal pal that is legally not allowed around my child.
oh, and the x will never admit he has a drug problem. He charms and lies the socks off of everyone.
what a flipping mess huh? So glad he decided to reappear (sarcasm)! He always brings with him pain and turmoil, and Maybe a little anxiety! He’s like a hurricane. So damn toxic. I can’t wait until my child is 18 and I’m free.
I’m just trying to do the best I can. This has been really hard to navigate.
My x lost custody and only is allowed 2 hours supervised visits a week. In 9 years, he has probably seen his child a total of 6 months. I have always followed the legal agreement because I never wanted to lose what I had. It was hard. The constant cancellation of visits and disappearing acts were and still are the norm. And sometimes the x was nice and sometimes he wasn’t. It’s easy to say ignore the call or block him, but like I said I followed the legal agreement to the t. I knew he was using and hanging out with disgusting people and couldn’t imagine handing my son over for a weekend. I could’ve taken a chance ( he has no money) , but I just could not take a chance. I protected my child as much as possible. For example, not even telling about the visits and then when he would cancel my child never knew any different. Needless to say, no matter how much I have tried to do the right thing and protect, my child still has been affected. My child was abandoned by her father., and that is a deep pain she will have to deal with forever.
so, the disappearing acts are the worst. He will disappear for months and then either come back demanding or with his tail between his legs. Guess it just depends on his mood. As my child got older I would ask, your dad wants to see you, are you game? SHe would always happily say yes and just be happy to spend time with him. It was always supervised. Never consistent. So, this past disappearing act was at least 2-2.5 years, and right before that he had made promises to my child he never followed thru on. My kid was pissed and actually told him how she felt. They had like 3 phone conversations about it. I stayed out of it. I was really proud that my kid was able to tell my x exactly how she felt. Finally, my child had said her peace and they moved on. But he kept disappearing and not calling regularly. Then, disappeared for a good 2 years or so. Anyways, Of course, he pops in right before the holidays( and during a pandemic) . I told him we won’t be available until Jan. So, I have bought some time to let this sink in. I’ve been talking to my pre teen about this appearance and she just wants to tell him off. I told my pre teen due to the pandemic we can only FaceTime until things get better, and she said, I don’t care. I want to tell him off and I don’t ever want to see him again. I don’t care about him. So I’m like, Yikes! What do I do? Have you ever dealt with a strong willed pre teen. It’s fun! Lol.
healthy or not, I have always been the mediator. I don’t know what to do. My child is now a pre teen. I don’t think it is healthy to even see or talk to him, but legally I’m always worried. So, I told my x the obligatory, think about the child not what you want, and asked him why he never asks about our child’s abandonment issues. He always reappears like he just saw us yesterday. Lol, like he will listen to that!!! But I had to text it. We don’t talk. We text. Which is dumb, but I don’t want to talk to him. I also don’t want to tell him my child is wanting to tell him off on the phone convo because my loyalty is to my child, but I don’t feel like dealing with the aftermath of this convo. As I’m typing this I’m thinking, my child is very verbal. She is not scared to speak her mind. So maybe it’s time for me to step back and let them work this out. Like they did the last time.
It just makes me so anxious! But, I guess I just gotta get over that.
I have no money for a lawyer. I’ve searched and see there is a child abandonment action I could take which would dissolve all his rights, but I can’t afford a lawyer at all. He has no money either. He’s 3 months behind on child support. My child is also starting to get to an age where the courts would take his verbal desires into consideration. So, do I chance it and just block his a$$? I’m terrified to do this. I’m afraid I’ll lose my full custody and supervised visits.
Another mess is my X’s immediate family. I’ve completely blocked all of them out of our lives. I just can’t have a relationship with them. They deny my x has a drug addiction. They act like my x hasn’t done anything wrong. They never ask how my child is dealing with being abandoned. They never ask me, a single mom, if I’m ok. They would only contact me for holidays and my child’s birthday. They act like everything is normal. I can’t handle that. Plus, I was pretty close with them. So when I do see them I miss them and feel so hurt that they dismissed me. Also, when the x has disappeared I especially don’t want anything to do with them...especially his mother ( his biggest in denial enabler). I feel like they would get involved. And honestly, it is so peaceful when he disappears. No toxic drama. So, I blocked them. I feel guilty. Like am I holding my child away from them? I think his mom is super pissed at me. I’m not trying to hurt anyone, but I just have to keep myself healthy. There is only so much one can take. So, I feel bad about that. I guess I will see how and if my child and the x can work out this and go from there on rekindling those relationships. I have decided for my health I want absolutely nothing to do with them. So, visits will be made without me. But, because my x can only have supervised visits I don’t trust his family. So, it’s just complicated. I don’t feel comfortable dropping off my child.
And the x is living with his toxic sociopath alcoholic gal pal that is legally not allowed around my child.
oh, and the x will never admit he has a drug problem. He charms and lies the socks off of everyone.
what a flipping mess huh? So glad he decided to reappear (sarcasm)! He always brings with him pain and turmoil, and Maybe a little anxiety! He’s like a hurricane. So damn toxic. I can’t wait until my child is 18 and I’m free.
I’m just trying to do the best I can. This has been really hard to navigate.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think you have handled this well, but perhaps family services could supply you with a lawyer who could present a good case for sole custody for you. It's worth a try.
The mother of my son's boy stopped allowing him any visits as he often didn't show up and the child was disappointed...again.
I commend her for this, she raised to boy alone and did a wonderful job.
Children shouldn't have to be victims in all this. I hope you can get some good legal advice.
Hugs
The mother of my son's boy stopped allowing him any visits as he often didn't show up and the child was disappointed...again.
I commend her for this, she raised to boy alone and did a wonderful job.
Children shouldn't have to be victims in all this. I hope you can get some good legal advice.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
This sounds a lot like my ex, only the abandonment is not quite so severe. The longest he's gone was 6 months without exercising a single visit (also supervised, 2 hours per week). However, during that time he would periodically call them on the phone. I was advised that as long as there is SOME form of contact from him in a one year period, that there is nothing I can do. I was also advised that if I did try to terminate his rights he could easily make a parental alienation case against me and regain physical custody.
It's absurd to me how different family law cases are from guardianship cases. If both of us were messed up, our kids would have been put into the system long ago and we would have had our rights terminated. But because I am stable, he gets to continue to disappoint them again and again. He also gaslights them on their phone calls- telling them that this is all my fault, that he doesn't do drugs, blah blah blah.
None of this is healthy for the kids, but I've been disappointed by the system over and over again. I've found that in my case, it's best to just not poke the bear. I do everything I'm supposed to and expect that he won't.
Still, that's just me. I've heard of many other parents who have stood their ground and been successful.
Wishing you peace and the best possible outcome for you and your child.
It's absurd to me how different family law cases are from guardianship cases. If both of us were messed up, our kids would have been put into the system long ago and we would have had our rights terminated. But because I am stable, he gets to continue to disappoint them again and again. He also gaslights them on their phone calls- telling them that this is all my fault, that he doesn't do drugs, blah blah blah.
None of this is healthy for the kids, but I've been disappointed by the system over and over again. I've found that in my case, it's best to just not poke the bear. I do everything I'm supposed to and expect that he won't.
Still, that's just me. I've heard of many other parents who have stood their ground and been successful.
Wishing you peace and the best possible outcome for you and your child.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 559
Yup. I work with Emotionally Behavior students daily. I see the damage poor parenting causes first hand. The court system is something I don’t want involved in making the decisions for my kid. I’ve also seen kids sent back to their drug addict parents over and over with the same scenario...parent is clean for a few months, starts up again, kid goes back to foster care. Rinse and repeat until the child is 18 and completely messed up. I think the only thing I can think of is that the judge and/or laws do not understand addiction. Honestly, I have family members that have seen what I have gone through for the past 10 years, and still don’t get it. It’s sad. I wish I could do something to change the laws.
My x is hit or miss with verbal appropriateness. Sometimes he will be kind towards me. Sometimes he is kind to my face, but not so much when I’m out of ear shot. Sometimes he will ask his child to come visit him, and then get mad when my kid say, um, I don’t think my mom will allow that. He asked my kid to come visit him ( out of state) after not speaking to my child for 18 months! I don’t even know his address. The delusion is baffling to say the least. I will never understand the entitlement or the denial of abandonment at every appearance. It’s hard for me to understand as I couldn’t even imagine stepping In the addicts shoes for a second.
I’ve read about the parent alienation and worried a little about that, but I don’t think he has a leg to stand on. He actually moved out of state for 4 years. If I were wealthy I’d probably try, but I’m not. I just have to navigate the best I can sticking to the agreement. The days are slow, but the years are fast. I’m actually going to celebrate when my child turns 18. A freedom party for me!
I hope your family stays strong. It’s not easy. Happy holidays!
My x is hit or miss with verbal appropriateness. Sometimes he will be kind towards me. Sometimes he is kind to my face, but not so much when I’m out of ear shot. Sometimes he will ask his child to come visit him, and then get mad when my kid say, um, I don’t think my mom will allow that. He asked my kid to come visit him ( out of state) after not speaking to my child for 18 months! I don’t even know his address. The delusion is baffling to say the least. I will never understand the entitlement or the denial of abandonment at every appearance. It’s hard for me to understand as I couldn’t even imagine stepping In the addicts shoes for a second.
I’ve read about the parent alienation and worried a little about that, but I don’t think he has a leg to stand on. He actually moved out of state for 4 years. If I were wealthy I’d probably try, but I’m not. I just have to navigate the best I can sticking to the agreement. The days are slow, but the years are fast. I’m actually going to celebrate when my child turns 18. A freedom party for me!
I hope your family stays strong. It’s not easy. Happy holidays!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
