Mashabo

Hello. I’m sorry if this story will be long. My name is Masha, I am 25. I met my husband when I was 19, we met in China, both were studying there. We both are from different countries. So losing all the details, we dated for 7 months in China, then I went to my country to graduate he went to his, we had 6 months long distance and it was good. He was saying I was the love of his life and that he wanted me to come live with him, eventually that happened. In 2016 I moved to his country, he proposed after 4 months, we got married. I didn’t know he had addiction, he told me that he did drugs before, but that he realized that is **** and he quit. Of course I could know less about drug problem, addiction. From Sep 2016 to nov 2017 he was clean, I know it cuz now I see the difference.

We were building our life, rent an apartment, bought a dog, everything was great. But then he started using again, I didn’t know at first, but then it became more and more obvious. I felt very lonely, being in foreign country and dealing with this...and no one knew, he was that type of person who could hide it very well: managing his work, looking good, being the best son... I couldn’t tell anyone, even his family, cuz he was saying he would disappear if I do, that they would never talk to him again if they knew. He just promised to stop over and over again. Things started escalating pretty fast. One day he said he probably needed to be alone, he couldn’t be in relashionships, because he needed to find himself. I told him that his problem was drugs, but he was denying. He really wanted to separate so I begged him to not do it (I was so stupid, jeez). So he said “Ok, if you can not live without me, then you need to give me my space so he can find himself”. Now I understand it was a manipulation, cuz after that he started just using all the time, coming home for 3 hours just to sleep, hiding his phone. And I couldn’t say anything, otherwise I disturb his “space”.

So one day I came home, he was deeply asleep, so deep, so nothing could wake him up. That scared me, then I took his phone and saw messages with some girl, saying that he is divorcing and blah blah. All that together gave me courage to tell everything to his parents. I couldn’t any longer see the person I married. So I did. For him it was a shock, and he blamed me for it, but said he understood. He said he wanted to change but if I can be there to help him. And of course I did.

Then he repeated like 2 times that, probably, he needs to be alone. So I got sick of it and found myself a job in another country. He was a little surprised that I did it so quickly and got a little scared. He started trying to work on himself, getting stable, not using. But he only could hold it for a month at the most. It was Sep 2019 and I was leaving in Jan 2020, so I told him that I don’t leave him, I give him time to think if he really want to be with me.

Before I left he started using badly again and saying it’s because i was leaving. I told him he needed help, because if he don’t get it for himself I’d have no reason to come back. So he did. He doubted for another week since I left, but then he went to rehab in Feb 7,2020

Everything was going great. I called him every week. Started seeing some improvements in him. He was saying how sorry he was for everything and how he loved me. When his father was coming to the rehab they were telling him about how much his son loves his wife. From Feb to Jun everything was good. Of course sometime we had some fights, mostly because corona happened and I was in a foreign country all by myself, got fired from my hob, so YEA, I needed some support, and he kept saying that he can not do anything, because he is in his process. That was hurtful, as I asked for nothing, except some little support, I’m your wife, come on.

The turning point was when I had my birthday on Jun 13 and he forgot... then he called and congratulated me, said how amazing I am and how he loves me. On Jun 19 was the birthday of his sister and not only that he didn’t forget, he prepared for her a hand-made gift! That was it for me, I wrote him a message of how bad I felt, I felt so unimportant, so little. And he said I was ungrateful. And that I don’t understand that he is in his process, saving his life and that he can not give anything. If you can not give anything - you don’t give to no one. I just felt so bad and hurt and decided to stop talking to him at least until he realizes that that was hurtful. He never did. Kept texting me once a week and that’s all.

Then my company bought be the ticket back home, and I decided not to tell him, to make a surprise. So came back (all this time he is still in rehab). I wanted to make a surprise for him, but then after talking to his mom, who told me she is concerned about the process in this rehab and that what if he has someone there, I decided not to make any surprises, but just for his mom to tell him that I came back when she goes to visit.

She said he was happy to find out I came, but that day he didn’t contact me. He contacted me after 2 days, asking how I was and that he didn’t get why I haven’t told him I was coming. So I said I wanted it to be a surprise. Then I said that I wanted to come visit him in rehab, he said no need. I was confused. If before he was texting at least once a week, after I came back he stopped and started ignoring me. Every time I was telling him that we need to talk at least sometimes he was getting all defensive saying that why I annoy him, I just want to put him down, that he is in his process and I don’t understand.

Then once we were talking and he said he wanted his sister to come and listen his First Step, because “she is important in his life and maybe can be his support”... it blew my mind, and I cried. As if the person was doing it on purpose, knowing how I felt left out last time on my birthday. I told him that that makes me feel bad. He only got angry and said that I just find stuff to complain about.

After a little more than a months after I came back, after his first step, he came home and said he needed divorce, didn’t want, but needed. Cried like a baby, said how much he loves me, but that his happiness depends on my happiness and it’s not ok, that he is always trying to make me happy (honestly didn’t get this part, when exactly you were trying?). Then he said that I am his impotence, that he was using me as an excuse to use drugs (WTF), that he needs to save his life, and if he comes back to be in relationships with me he could die (WTF). I was calm listening to all this crap, to what he said that I probably didn’t love him if I didn’t even cry. After that he went back to his rehab and called me 4 times that day asking me how I felt and telling me he felt so bad, so empty inside, that he didn’t understand why he needs to get rid of the only important person in his life. I said it’s ******** and he DOEDNT NEED TO. He said no, I don’t understand that, but he needs.

Anyways, I tried for 2 months. Tried meaning that I gave him his space, contacted only rarely, asking if hold that decision for a while as there is no rush, he said no. He went to tell everyone about his decision, leaving me in a very stupid situation. I never begged him, never cried to not leave me. I just said that I thought he was rushing and being impulsive. After several attempts to a least wait I decided to leave the house we were living in (his mother house). I rented a small studio for myself, haven’t told him where I move. I just texted that I’m moving, he called and asked how is it and how I feel, that he feels weird, emptiness inside an blah blah.

After I moved, he only called me once after 3 days, just to tell me that he feels uncomfortable not to know where I live and that probably I live with someone else. I said I live alone. He then said that “We WERE married, we are not strangers”. Which is stupid, cuz he hasn’t initiated divorce, even though he already came out of rehab. He said he is happy that I am so strong and can come out from any situation and feel good. In my it sounded like this “I brought you to a foreign country, bullshited you for a while, said you are the love of my life, and now I just threw you out, without even calling or texting, but you are good, you are holding up”.

I know I am strong. Everyday I wake up thinking “Thank God you help me through all this. That I can be independent in a foreign country.” But it hurts like I don’t even know what.... and this uncertainty is killing me. Why if he needs divorce so much he is not doing it? It just gives me empty hopes. Though I don’t contact him. 0 calls or texts. He is blocked in Instagram and calls. I only left WhatsApp just in case.

Mashabo

Besides in that rehab they never really did any therapy with me and him... and later on he said it’s because HE decides with whom he wants to have therapy or with whom he doesn’t. Which to me sound ridiculous.

Hechosedrugs

He is doing what addicts do.
I encourage you to stop trying to untangle the skein.
Stop trying to figure out why he's doing this or saying that. There is no rhyme or reason for his actions. He is living in chaos.
If you hadn't invested so much of your life in this relationship, if this was all brand new, would it be acceptable to you? If this was happening in the early dating stage, wouldn't you turn and run?
Ann likes to talk about "strangely wrapped gifts". Sometimes what we get in life, isn't what we want at all- on the outside. But we learn later on that it was exactly what we needed.
Being married to an addict is a hell I would never want to go back to.
May you find peace.
Many blessings to you.

Ann

I just wanted to stop by and say how sorry I am for this sad situation and all the grief it has caused you.

Removing yourself from a marriage that includes addition is, in the long run, probably a wise thing to do. It may not sound like it now, but this relationship has brought you nothing but sadness.

Good luck to you, I hope you find your balance soon.

Butterfly1313

Im sorry ur dealing w this. Addicts can be very manipulative and we want to believe them because we love them. I need to take this as my own advice...if this was a story ur friend was telling u about her life what would ur response be for her to do. Stay strong xo

Mashabo

hi, there
thank you for your message! I know everything you say is true and you are right. It’s just hard to comprehend that this person is more lost after “rehab” than he has ever been and that from this “treatment” he hasn’t really taken what is supposed to be helpful. Only self-victimization and saying how unhappy and sick he is...

Mashabo

thank you for your kind message! Yea, it’s very hard, especially when you gave everything you could and after he steps into recovery he just decides to get rid of you...

Mashabo

thank you for your message! Yes, I know that I would probably tell her it’s better for her... it’s just really hard to feel this abandoned after everything you gave

Eddiebuckle

The man is an addict who is not doing a whole lot to change that.

So now that he has unwittingly shown you exactly who he is and where his priorities lie... what are you going to do? We only have so many precious days on this earth. He has chosen to squander his days, are your days worthy of more than that?

Mashabo

hey, thank you for your message!

of course my days worthy of much more than that. It just hurts really badly. Hard to understand how the person changed suddenly... and how he just got rid of me as if it was nothing.

Mashabo

So it’s been a month since we haven’t talked or seen each other. He has left the rehab around 3 weeks ago and now lives in the farm that his family owns. He lives with his sister even though he head his own house there. He is not working and said that will not work till he completes a year of recovery (which is in February). He said it was what the rehab suggested, which to me, honestly, doesn’t make any sense, as in the rehab they also told him he has dependent personality disorder as well. So that is like “You are dependent, but go live with your family and don’t work and keep depending on them”.

I’m in contact with his mom and sister. And his sister says he is “fucked up inside”. He says that he is an addict by nature, and she is like wtf?. You were not born like that, but yea, now you have it so deal with it.

He says he is not happy, that he doesn’t feel anything: not hunger, not cold or hot, nothing. Which I thought should be the other way around, as when you stop using drugs you start feeling things intensely. He says his mind is only thinking about using, that he is sick. And that is understandable, but why do you need to keep talking about it? As if he uses his sickness as an excuse for everything now.
He also says that leaving me was his greatest act of love! - such a hero...

He is distant with his mother (his mom lives in the city and his dad live at the farm), and when he comes to the city on the weekend he goes and stays sleeping in rehab, which is super weird. If you came out, why you keep staying to sleep there?

After hearing about how he feels unhappy and all I felt a bit bad for him, so I texted him a message of support saying that “I know it’s hard times for him, but that he has support system and I pray for him”. No reply. I haven’t expected it though, but it’s sad anyway

Eddiebuckle

That's the thing about addiction: it is more than hard to understand... it's completely illogical. Unless and until he is ready to make sobriety his first priority every day, anything else in his life is going to be a very distant second place to using. I was at that place and I would have sworn I had my drinking under control, but the I was unable and unwilling to face that fact.

The day may come that your husband has that epiphany and truly changes, but in the meantime unfortunately what you see from him is all he has to offer.

Mashabo

Thank you, Eddie!

Mashabo

but what you mean is that he hasn’t made his sobriety his first priority? Or that’s exactly what he did?

Zevin

I’m sorry, Mashable. Your hurting so bad right now....it’s a heartbreaking situation for sure. Give it TIME. The pain WILL fade away and you will feel like yourself again someday.

Eddiebuckle

What I did by writing that was passing judgement on his sobriety, which I admit is unfair.

However, in my experience there is a difference between abstinence and sobriety: abstinent people may not drink/use any more but in most other respects still act as they did when they were using - they are human tornados that continue to damage those around them. After a year of not using he doesn't seem to have acknowledged the damage he has done nor made any effort to repair the things that are possible. He may never be in a place to be a suitable mate, or it may take years to get there, but he surely should be able to acknowledge that his current path is not consistent with the vows he took when you got married.

But what I meant by my first post in this thread is this: you have no control over his sobriety or lack thereof. The extent to which you allow your needs (the things you truly need) to be hostage to his wants (eg living as he chooses, ducking his responsibilities as a son, brother and husband, etc) you are handing him control over the quality of your life. You can love him and support him without giving up that control; it is very hard to do, but that is the whole reason AlAnon exists. You owe yourself the effort it will take to protect your sanity and serenity. If you haven't already done so, I recommend you check out Al Anon. There is a lot of wisdom and support to be found in those groups.

Hope you are doing OK - take care of you!

Mashabo

Thank you, Eddie! What you said totally makes sense, he has only reached abstinence, not sobriety in its fullest understanding.

However it hurts really badly that for him it was like nothing, all those years and he is not even texting to find out if I am okay all alone in a foreign country. He keeps being a victim, only thinking in his feelings. I definitely owe myself that effort, and I am in therapy now, have been in al-anon, but after he notified me about his decision - I quit. Don’t know why, I guess was in too much pain.

There was one thing as well, he once brought home a bunch of papers from the rehab and left it at home, and told me where it was. I thought it was weird he told me where it was, as if he wanted me to read it, so I did. And in one paper he was writing “I understand now more about my relationship with my wife, that uncertainty I was feeling and couldnt get, now I understand - it’s because I feel the need to stay away from her: first - because I feel like I’m not enough for her because of lack of self-love, second - because I’m scared I won’t do things right, and I want to make everything right there”
So that was pretty confusing. You want to make things right, but you don’t...

Anyways, I know I do what I have to do. Which is living on my own, focusing mostly on me, even though my mind is always thinking about him. I hope to get over all this soon, because sometimes it’s just unbearable.

Mashabo

Thank you, Zevin, for your support! I know that time should make it’s job, it’s just that at this moment it seems almost imposible... feeling just used and thrown away.