Addict boyfriend beginging the recovery process
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Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 7
Addict boyfriend beginging the recovery process
Hey guys new here....
I need advice because I feel like I keep going back and forth and I just dont know what the best option is for me here...
my boyfriend (who I knew had a substance abuse problem in the past) was clean and sober when I met him and always had reassurred me that it was all in the past ... so we have been together for about a year now and he started to act out of character .... I knew he was using again but he wouldnt admit it so I broke up with him, told his family everything that I did suspect... however I didnt have proof except just his irradic behavior and secrets and I told him that when he wants to tell me the truth and get the help he needs to let me know ..... about a month went by and i was getting upset, nervous and anxious and so worried about him. He still wouldnt admit anything and his family decided to have an intervention. The night before the intervention I met up with him to discusss our relationship and was hoping thet he would finally come clean however he just continued to deny deny.... just made me feel like I was going crazy but i knew in my gut something was very wrong....I guess i was almost hoping that maybe I was crazy I didnt want to be right. I wanted to believe him .... but then I found out by snooping that he was using heroin.... i was so absolutely devastated inside I just wanted to help him and was absolutely petrified of him losing his life..... He didnt know that I found his stash and I somehow held my composure in order to just get him to the intervention and then we all told him that we knew and that he couldnt lie anymore... he basically lied up until the intervention and even in the begining was still denying.... he finally admitted to using and we ended up sending him to detox and a rehab on the other side of the country.
I thought i would just send him away and then be done with him knowing that I did all I can do and now the rest is up to him.
My logical brain wants to just let it all go and know in my heart that he has a lot of demons that he has to work on.
My problem now is that since hes been gone only a few weeks im even more worried. Im worried he just went to appease us all. Im worried that he will use again when he gets back. Im worried that he doesnt know the severity of this disease. He says he loves me and wants a future with me but how could we ever have a future now knowing that a any moment he can relaspe? I dont even know where his head is at we havent had much contact since he has been gone. Its just so sad because our whole relationship is broken. Everything is a mess. Everything that I thought my life would be is just a confusing mess right now. Im angry, depressed, sad and ashamed myself. Everyone told me to not to get involved with someone who used but i honestly believed that it was part of his past....
so now im here all alone broken and picking up the pieces he left behind.
On the conversations we have had he says he wants to prove to me that he can do it. That he can be sober and be a better man for me. However how could I ever believe him?
how could I ever forgive what he put me through that month I was petrifed everyday that he was going to die all alone in his apartment. I was happy that i stepped in and got him to go but now im unsure it I stay. I am so confused on if I shoule stay or go? Help him through his recovery or just cut off ties and run away for good. All my friends say that I dont have kids with him and im not married so they said run far away. I wish i could. I mean i guess i could but its just that i love him and care and worry so much that something will happen to him. I also miss our relatioonship and wonder if he does stay sober that we can rebuild and trust again. Idk it it sounds niave and stupid. Idk what to do. Anybody got any advice? Im just so lost and confused.
I need advice because I feel like I keep going back and forth and I just dont know what the best option is for me here...
my boyfriend (who I knew had a substance abuse problem in the past) was clean and sober when I met him and always had reassurred me that it was all in the past ... so we have been together for about a year now and he started to act out of character .... I knew he was using again but he wouldnt admit it so I broke up with him, told his family everything that I did suspect... however I didnt have proof except just his irradic behavior and secrets and I told him that when he wants to tell me the truth and get the help he needs to let me know ..... about a month went by and i was getting upset, nervous and anxious and so worried about him. He still wouldnt admit anything and his family decided to have an intervention. The night before the intervention I met up with him to discusss our relationship and was hoping thet he would finally come clean however he just continued to deny deny.... just made me feel like I was going crazy but i knew in my gut something was very wrong....I guess i was almost hoping that maybe I was crazy I didnt want to be right. I wanted to believe him .... but then I found out by snooping that he was using heroin.... i was so absolutely devastated inside I just wanted to help him and was absolutely petrified of him losing his life..... He didnt know that I found his stash and I somehow held my composure in order to just get him to the intervention and then we all told him that we knew and that he couldnt lie anymore... he basically lied up until the intervention and even in the begining was still denying.... he finally admitted to using and we ended up sending him to detox and a rehab on the other side of the country.
I thought i would just send him away and then be done with him knowing that I did all I can do and now the rest is up to him.
My logical brain wants to just let it all go and know in my heart that he has a lot of demons that he has to work on.
My problem now is that since hes been gone only a few weeks im even more worried. Im worried he just went to appease us all. Im worried that he will use again when he gets back. Im worried that he doesnt know the severity of this disease. He says he loves me and wants a future with me but how could we ever have a future now knowing that a any moment he can relaspe? I dont even know where his head is at we havent had much contact since he has been gone. Its just so sad because our whole relationship is broken. Everything is a mess. Everything that I thought my life would be is just a confusing mess right now. Im angry, depressed, sad and ashamed myself. Everyone told me to not to get involved with someone who used but i honestly believed that it was part of his past....
so now im here all alone broken and picking up the pieces he left behind.
On the conversations we have had he says he wants to prove to me that he can do it. That he can be sober and be a better man for me. However how could I ever believe him?
how could I ever forgive what he put me through that month I was petrifed everyday that he was going to die all alone in his apartment. I was happy that i stepped in and got him to go but now im unsure it I stay. I am so confused on if I shoule stay or go? Help him through his recovery or just cut off ties and run away for good. All my friends say that I dont have kids with him and im not married so they said run far away. I wish i could. I mean i guess i could but its just that i love him and care and worry so much that something will happen to him. I also miss our relatioonship and wonder if he does stay sober that we can rebuild and trust again. Idk it it sounds niave and stupid. Idk what to do. Anybody got any advice? Im just so lost and confused.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome to SR, Sap.
Active addicts are prone to being untruthful, to blaming others or circumstance for their addiction and it gets worse, not better as time goes by.
Good for him that he is at rehab, they will give him the tools to get past craving drugs. How he uses these tools, and for how long, is up to him.
Instead of making yourself sick with worry, maybe use this time to reclaim your life and find you balance and then make the decision to stay or go. There are meetings for "us"....Al-anon, Nar-anon and Coda are 3 similar fellowships that have helped many of us, also counseling and family groups are plentiful.
Take a good read around, particularly the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. You will learn a lot and maybe that will help too.
No matter what you choose, please find your own peace and balance and learn how to live well.
Hugs
Active addicts are prone to being untruthful, to blaming others or circumstance for their addiction and it gets worse, not better as time goes by.
Good for him that he is at rehab, they will give him the tools to get past craving drugs. How he uses these tools, and for how long, is up to him.
Instead of making yourself sick with worry, maybe use this time to reclaim your life and find you balance and then make the decision to stay or go. There are meetings for "us"....Al-anon, Nar-anon and Coda are 3 similar fellowships that have helped many of us, also counseling and family groups are plentiful.
Take a good read around, particularly the "sticky" posts at the top of this forum. You will learn a lot and maybe that will help too.
No matter what you choose, please find your own peace and balance and learn how to live well.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hi,
I'm going to be blunt. You look totally preoccupied and obsessed about/with this man. I didn't see anywhere in your post that you're doing anything to take care of you while he's out there learning how to take care of himself.
Where's the logic?
Please keep in mind that there is every possibility that he may not stay clean and sober once he gets home. Many of us have to try multiple times before we get it and stay with it. Being forced to get sober usually backfires. That's what I learned from others and experienced personally. It's a **** YOU for making me do something I didn't want to do in the first place.
I'm not saying he'll do that exactly - just don't be surprised if he does . He may be a little more tactful about it than I was, but - still the same behavior.
Focus on yourself and putting your own life in the right lane again. If there's one thing addicts/alcoholics need, it's space to come to our own conclusions.
I'm going to be blunt. You look totally preoccupied and obsessed about/with this man. I didn't see anywhere in your post that you're doing anything to take care of you while he's out there learning how to take care of himself.
Where's the logic?
Please keep in mind that there is every possibility that he may not stay clean and sober once he gets home. Many of us have to try multiple times before we get it and stay with it. Being forced to get sober usually backfires. That's what I learned from others and experienced personally. It's a **** YOU for making me do something I didn't want to do in the first place.
I'm not saying he'll do that exactly - just don't be surprised if he does . He may be a little more tactful about it than I was, but - still the same behavior.
Focus on yourself and putting your own life in the right lane again. If there's one thing addicts/alcoholics need, it's space to come to our own conclusions.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 7
Well i mean im not the one with the drug problem technically... I would just feel better knowing that he is safe and is being honest with himself and me about his progress. I feel like I can breathe easily knowing that he truly wants this. However i feel like he doesnt see or think anything is that bad. I feel like he doesnt realize how sick he really is. I dont understand how to make him see how much hes going to lose if he doesnt get this straighened out. My heart is just breaking for him 💔
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Originally Posted by Sap1191 
Well i mean im not the one with the drug problem technically... I would just feel better knowing that he is safe and is being honest with himself and me about his progress. I feel like I can breathe easily knowing that he truly wants this. However i feel like he doesnt see or think anything is that bad. I feel like he doesnt realize how sick he really is. I dont understand how to make him see how much hes going to lose if he doesnt get this straighened out. My heart is just breaking for him 💔
Yes, you're right, you aren't the one with the drug problem, however you do have problems right? Your main focus right now is him, it's nice that you care but what about you?
You have been hurt, you have been worried, yet you are focusing all your concern on him. When your friends are telling you to leave, that's them talking about your wellbeing, not his.
Only he can enter recovery, only he can choose recovery and only he can keep that recovery. You talk about losing control but the truth is, you never had any control over him (and honestly do you want to? He is a grown man after all). He hasn't been in rehab long, recovery takes time. I have heard many people state that it takes about a year to really feel "sober". Addiction is not just about putting the drug down, it is a compulsion and addiction never goes away, it will always be with him, he will just have to manage that and yes, he may or may not relapse, that's just a fact.
So when people are talking about you looking out for you, maybe that is the solid route. As Ann mentioned, what about Al Anon or Nar Anon? As your friends mentioned, look out for yourself, as LumenandNyx said, you aren't talking about yourself.
You may not be addicted but your life, your mental health, your plans and dreams are just as important as his, but are you focusing on them at all?
I would recommend learning as much about addiction as you can (for you, not for him). Also have you heard of the book Codependent no More by Melody Beattie? You might want to get a copy. I'm not saying you are or aren't codependent btw, I don't know! It does have a lot of information though about relationships, looking out for yourself and boundaries that you might find really helpful.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 7
Thank you i really appreciate all the help.
I guess I ended up being codependent and didnt even realize it. Was just used to him always being around and now hes gone and I just feel like he is not fully committed or even thinks he did anything wrong. He says he wants to change and communicate better and be honest however hes been gone for 3 weeks and having gotten much communication from him expressing his feelings or opening up about what hes learning. He kind of just brushes it off when I ask him about the meetings and stuff. He goes days without even contacting me now too and if we do talk on the phone its very limited. Idk everything just feels so different and distant and I guess its making me feel helpless from being on the other side of the country 💔
I guess I ended up being codependent and didnt even realize it. Was just used to him always being around and now hes gone and I just feel like he is not fully committed or even thinks he did anything wrong. He says he wants to change and communicate better and be honest however hes been gone for 3 weeks and having gotten much communication from him expressing his feelings or opening up about what hes learning. He kind of just brushes it off when I ask him about the meetings and stuff. He goes days without even contacting me now too and if we do talk on the phone its very limited. Idk everything just feels so different and distant and I guess its making me feel helpless from being on the other side of the country 💔
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,628
Well truthfully, how well do you really know him as a sober person? You noticed his behaviour after about a year together, but that is not to say he wasn't using before that right? He did lie about it even when confronted. Addiction is a very selfish endeavour.
This is where you left it. I think keeping your expectations really really low at this point would be much safer for you. He didn't even want to go to get help but was talked in to it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't, you just have to wait and see.
Rehab won't cure him. He will always be an addict so it will take a tremendous amount of commitment on his part to stay in recovery. Also, this is just the very beginning of that, he won't be "fixed" once he is out of rehab. If he decides to stay sober, he will need help and maybe a group like AA or NA. Also it takes time, perhaps a year or more of being in recovery to start to feel right again. He also needs to deal with any underlying problems.
HIs focus right now should be and has to be himself and recovery, if that is his plan. If it's not, if he plans to use again, well there is no hope for this relationship then is there, as you stated to him before.
Again, keeping expectations very low and remembering why you broke up with him in the first place could be very important. Time to focus on yourself and what you want and what makes you happy. He is fine, he has a team of people supporting him.
On the conversations we have had he says he wants to prove to me that he can do it. That he can be sober and be a better man for me. However how could I ever believe him?
Rehab won't cure him. He will always be an addict so it will take a tremendous amount of commitment on his part to stay in recovery. Also, this is just the very beginning of that, he won't be "fixed" once he is out of rehab. If he decides to stay sober, he will need help and maybe a group like AA or NA. Also it takes time, perhaps a year or more of being in recovery to start to feel right again. He also needs to deal with any underlying problems.
HIs focus right now should be and has to be himself and recovery, if that is his plan. If it's not, if he plans to use again, well there is no hope for this relationship then is there, as you stated to him before.
Again, keeping expectations very low and remembering why you broke up with him in the first place could be very important. Time to focus on yourself and what you want and what makes you happy. He is fine, he has a team of people supporting him.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
You have expressed a lot of concern and worry for your addict boyfriend. He is exhibiting behaviors of an addict. Please try to not take these behaviors personal (so hard not to do). Its not personal. Its addiction. I think it would be really beneficial if you were able to focus on caring for yourself and less on caring for the addicted boyfriend.
His recovery from Heroin will solely be based on if HE wants to recover. Not because there was an intervention and now he is rehab on the other side of the country. He needs to be able to prove himself to himself. There is nothing to prove to you if he cant prove it to himself.
So, please put your breathing mask on first. Take care of you. Let him sort this out. This addiction is not yours and you don't need to own it. You have a life to live here.
His recovery from Heroin will solely be based on if HE wants to recover. Not because there was an intervention and now he is rehab on the other side of the country. He needs to be able to prove himself to himself. There is nothing to prove to you if he cant prove it to himself.
So, please put your breathing mask on first. Take care of you. Let him sort this out. This addiction is not yours and you don't need to own it. You have a life to live here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 7
Thanks everyone for all your input!
i am having a really tough time here and idk why i am just very sad all the time. I cant focus on anything else besides worrying and now that I havent heard from him in a week (which is the longest we have went without speaking) in a year all i want to do is just crawl into a ball and cry. I am working and trying my
absolute best to get by however I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness on top of me at all times. I feel so stupid for believing him and feel like such an idiot for ever letting him into my life. I wish i never met him and never fell in love with him. I absolutely am taking it very personal as it I was played out on purpose or like he set out to ruin my life. I just really wanted to believe in him. We had a lot of fun times together and were very much involved in eachother lives more than I have ever been with anyone in my life. I am almost 30 and have had a few serious relationships however have never felt so betrayed and low like this before. We really were very close he was my bestfriend and being older with life and work its hard to find that. Now its just like life is meaningless where nothing makes me happy and I almost feel like I dont care about anything at all anymore. Idk why im like this? Idk why I feel like my reality wasnt real as if nothing was real. As if his feelings were all fake towards me. I dont want to believe that but that feeling takes over and makes me feel like a complete idiot for ever trusting him with my heart and my
life. He knew i had my own trust issues and knew I would never put up with drug use so I just wish he would have never ever ever came into my life ..:. 💔
i am having a really tough time here and idk why i am just very sad all the time. I cant focus on anything else besides worrying and now that I havent heard from him in a week (which is the longest we have went without speaking) in a year all i want to do is just crawl into a ball and cry. I am working and trying my
absolute best to get by however I just have this overwhelming feeling of sadness on top of me at all times. I feel so stupid for believing him and feel like such an idiot for ever letting him into my life. I wish i never met him and never fell in love with him. I absolutely am taking it very personal as it I was played out on purpose or like he set out to ruin my life. I just really wanted to believe in him. We had a lot of fun times together and were very much involved in eachother lives more than I have ever been with anyone in my life. I am almost 30 and have had a few serious relationships however have never felt so betrayed and low like this before. We really were very close he was my bestfriend and being older with life and work its hard to find that. Now its just like life is meaningless where nothing makes me happy and I almost feel like I dont care about anything at all anymore. Idk why im like this? Idk why I feel like my reality wasnt real as if nothing was real. As if his feelings were all fake towards me. I dont want to believe that but that feeling takes over and makes me feel like a complete idiot for ever trusting him with my heart and my
life. He knew i had my own trust issues and knew I would never put up with drug use so I just wish he would have never ever ever came into my life ..:. 💔
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