Disappearing
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 1
Disappearing
Does anyone else’s addicted spouse disappear for weeks, sometimes months at a time? My husband is addicted to heroin and he often disappears for weeks, the longest 4.5 months and then reappears and promises me and our 3 kids this happy life and saying he is going to change and then disappear again. He lies about being clean and then once around he can hide it for some time, then once around for some time the old behaviors start coming back like not being dependable and disappearing for a few days always with an excuse and then getting super sick when he don’t have drugs.
This last time he lied to his dad and myself about being in rehab and once he got caught in that lie he disappeared again and this Thursday will be a month. It’s just so hard because me and the kids never know when will be the last time. Wondering if he will ever contact us again. It has me worried sick and not to mention anxious and having ruminating thoughts about where he is and what he is doing.
This last time he lied to his dad and myself about being in rehab and once he got caught in that lie he disappeared again and this Thursday will be a month. It’s just so hard because me and the kids never know when will be the last time. Wondering if he will ever contact us again. It has me worried sick and not to mention anxious and having ruminating thoughts about where he is and what he is doing.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree, counseling may help you and your kids get through this and learn how to set boundaries.
He has shown a pattern and has a soft place to land when his run is done.
I am sorry for your pain, and for that of your kids. Please get help to stop the madness.
Whatever you choose to do, we are here for you.
Hugs
He has shown a pattern and has a soft place to land when his run is done.
I am sorry for your pain, and for that of your kids. Please get help to stop the madness.
Whatever you choose to do, we are here for you.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 291
I'm so sorry to read of the situation you and your children are in. I think you would benefit from support for yourself, to learn boundaries, and practice on putting you and your children first.
As Ann said, he has a soft place to land, once he's had his fun. Maybe think on how to make that landing not as soft and inviting. He's getting away with his behaviour with no consequences. Just my opinion, but he needs to find out that this is not an acceptable way for you and your children to be treated. They are not options, and neither are you.
He doesn't seem to share the same worry and anxiety over his family,as you have about him. Put yourself and your kids first,and make your life happy.
Much Love
Bute x
As Ann said, he has a soft place to land, once he's had his fun. Maybe think on how to make that landing not as soft and inviting. He's getting away with his behaviour with no consequences. Just my opinion, but he needs to find out that this is not an acceptable way for you and your children to be treated. They are not options, and neither are you.
He doesn't seem to share the same worry and anxiety over his family,as you have about him. Put yourself and your kids first,and make your life happy.
Much Love
Bute x
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 14
The disappearing is something i learned the hard way since i had no idea about addiction to drugs and behaviours of addicts.
I guess they do it because they refuse or they simply can't make the first move in order to change themselves.
I was in that circle and my pattern was to accept him back all the time.
Now think how hard it is for me, a non addict person, to break that pattern and learn to say NO to this, and then take a sec to realise that they choose the easy way to relapse than change their lives and face the truth.
Change is hard.
But since for almost half of their lives count on drugs for everything they can't face, it's really hard for them to really change.
The one that holds the key here is YOU.
You have kids, i don't.
Protect them from traumas and sadness that they will carry inside them for the rest of their lives and do the best thing for them.
I guess they do it because they refuse or they simply can't make the first move in order to change themselves.
I was in that circle and my pattern was to accept him back all the time.
Now think how hard it is for me, a non addict person, to break that pattern and learn to say NO to this, and then take a sec to realise that they choose the easy way to relapse than change their lives and face the truth.
Change is hard.
But since for almost half of their lives count on drugs for everything they can't face, it's really hard for them to really change.
The one that holds the key here is YOU.
You have kids, i don't.
Protect them from traumas and sadness that they will carry inside them for the rest of their lives and do the best thing for them.
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