need outsider opinion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 6
need outsider opinion
Hi everyone,
I am gonna try to keep this as short as possible without leaving out anything important .
Ill start by saying that I have been in several relationships lasting between 1-3 years so i am not naive or blinded.most of my relationships, i ended when i was younger purely due to knowing they weren’t my future. once i was broken up with for same reason. I was engaged in 2017 after anout 7 months, I ended up leaving last year after 3 years together. So leading up to and after the engagement, he told the truth, we both had fun drinking, no drugs, we were best friends. He ended up being an alcoholic who would become abusive mostly mentally and emotionally but also things got physical a few times. He also was into cocaine, but alcohol was his problem. He only got cocaine when there was alcohol as he associated the 2, I can’t judge because I did cocaine with him. What i will say is t did not become an addiction of mine, it was a habit, i went to my job and we had no kids. over time i realized our relationship dynamic was not healthy and i left. I am not a big drinker and don’t do cocaine at this time. i only did it wirh him. that was just to explain my first addict relationship.
i moved in with my new roommate in feb, i just had met her. She was friends with a guy who apparently always had a crush on me since high school (same school and played sports with my brother ), i didn’t know who he was until recently. My roommate and him met and hooked up/saw eachother for a month more than a year prior, nothing serious. ended up just remaining friends. and when u see them together they act like total bro’s. she mentioned to him to stay away from me mostly because it would be awkward etc.
i was not close with her yet, he would sometimes come over and hang with us so i got to know him. but i’d still say no to hanging out with him alone. i said no because i was trying to keep things simple . even if they went to workout and i didn’t go because of my injury, he would still come over after. he started coming over more and more to hang out with “us”.
anyways i became interested after about 2 months. i held back and def wasn’t easy. she went away for 2 weeks and we hung out and yes you guessed it....we hooked up. and then we hooked up every single day. saw eachother daily, couldn’t get enough. still had our own lives but atleast an hour together, phone calls etc. i felt very into him. i remember even keeping w distance and saying no to sex one night to see his reaction and if he would try to cut the hang out short. he didn’t, he was into me big time.
let’s add on that at this point i was aware he had been clean about 4 years from opioids (i didn’t know much about it yet but i knew he was clean), and tbh i’ve seen my share of **** i’m not naive and he absolutely seemed clean and sober. during some situations of him experiencing delayed or no orgasm even tho he we clearly enjoying it, he mentioned it’s his meds. methadone, which i was fine with i am in healthcare and i know it’s maintenance.
we after 2 weeks decided to be official. i trusted it because he knows mutual ppl, my roomie is friends with him, comes from good family etc. we decided it was worth my roommate being mad and one of us would tell her. i clarified over again if he actually was in this and this wasn’t filling a void because if i tell her and it upsets her for some rreason, i’d rather it be worth it (mind you, i only knew her a few months and i truly felt she had no reason to dictate anything plus she had her own guy).
so time went on, a few months. i was doing well for money and mentioned it and i noticed he’d ask for larger sums of money “until friday” such as $350 or $550 etc . i’m no fool and at first i trusted oh he put too much on a credit card, and he actually paid me back. but when i noticed he’d keep asking every so often with a new little excuse, and he would happen to be in an extremely good mood that way before asking and after me saying yes. i think inside i felt it but ignored it. i also noticed right from the start he spent long time in the bathroom always. brushing his teeth very often also.
so eventually he would have days he’d be withdrawn, answer me less, nap more, act more depressed and can’t hang because he is tired. he fell asleep. he began complaining of symptoms like diarrhea upset stomach, headache, sore throat . i said maybe minor withdrawal from the taper of methadone and he said no. overtime he would exhibit odd behaviour like ignoring me if i made him mad, or acting way too indifferent in person and chuckle if i got upset. so i’m no treat, so i will lose my **** if someone acts that way and will demand to know why. he wrote me a letter saying all my good qualities, he loves me and loves everything that comes with that. he explained how he gets depressed and sometimes lys in bed with dark thoughts and it’s hard for men to admit. he’s sorry and he loves me endlessly, needs me constantly and dreams of me infinitely .
within the next few weeks i confronted him and he admitted he had relapsed back in the fall (way before us), started out as pills and now was smoking fentanyl ! my heart dropped . he had been using fentanyl the whole time. i started to go back over certain moments and wonder if he was genuine, does he feel as strong as he says ? he had been single for more than a year before me. why me? why did we connect so well, i almost felt like i wanted him all the time. the hard part was with the random days i questioned what was happening, we never ended up telling my roomate . after he told me he relapsed he said he would need some space to focus. i had trouble with that out of resentment so i’d say ok but still expect too much . so i ended up breaking up with him. but we still talked more than we should. i was needy, i was overly hurt and insecure, i felt betrayed and resentful. i felt it wasn’t fair to give me all this love and now take it because you neee to be recover from an OLD ISSUE you kept from me. things would get nasty i’d send texts with hurtful things and i knew we both knew this wasn’t healthy for his recovery. he made it clear he wanted to be sure together when he is well. so he can treat me how i deserve. “i miss u so much but think how amazing it will be when we can try again and do it right this time”, he was so set on taking time and trying again. i tried to be friends and go on walks and hed say no, he needs time he can’t just act like my friend . which makes sense but i figured was a good way to keep in touch. as time went on i noticed he would get overwhelmed easily by me, one day he would be attentive, caring, loving etc qnd if i mentionee him ignoring mw the next day he woikd say "we are suppose to be on a break, dont you know what that means?"
i was becoming very mad with the behaviour. i felt crazy. i would show up at his door if he ignored me fpr hours and i knew he was done work. he seemed exhausted and told mw he loves me he needs space this is life or death. yes i agree but dont give me a taste then take it away. no games. he also detoxed hi
self and no inpatient rehab. only online NA durinf covid and reading, and a sponsor. hes had slip ups but is doing well apparently.
now i barely hear from him. beforw i would reach out first always. he stopped talking about being together in the future. when i asked he said he cant predict the future so he doesnt knpw how to answer".
he messages me roomqte a few times a week hey whats up how are you. its casual, she has bf, their convo looks like 2 buddies. but he doesnt reqch out to me like that. he has ignoree me as well. i dont reqch out anymore at all. last time 2 weeks nothing he reached out but acted casual.
i need opinion, why doesnt he bring up us anymore? why does it seem like he can pretend we didnt happen? why did he deal with being honest with me, many argumentw, just to drop the whole thing. why ignoee convo about emotion. and WHY reach out to me when i stop? (liking pice, message)
please! i need perspective.
I am gonna try to keep this as short as possible without leaving out anything important .
Ill start by saying that I have been in several relationships lasting between 1-3 years so i am not naive or blinded.most of my relationships, i ended when i was younger purely due to knowing they weren’t my future. once i was broken up with for same reason. I was engaged in 2017 after anout 7 months, I ended up leaving last year after 3 years together. So leading up to and after the engagement, he told the truth, we both had fun drinking, no drugs, we were best friends. He ended up being an alcoholic who would become abusive mostly mentally and emotionally but also things got physical a few times. He also was into cocaine, but alcohol was his problem. He only got cocaine when there was alcohol as he associated the 2, I can’t judge because I did cocaine with him. What i will say is t did not become an addiction of mine, it was a habit, i went to my job and we had no kids. over time i realized our relationship dynamic was not healthy and i left. I am not a big drinker and don’t do cocaine at this time. i only did it wirh him. that was just to explain my first addict relationship.
i moved in with my new roommate in feb, i just had met her. She was friends with a guy who apparently always had a crush on me since high school (same school and played sports with my brother ), i didn’t know who he was until recently. My roommate and him met and hooked up/saw eachother for a month more than a year prior, nothing serious. ended up just remaining friends. and when u see them together they act like total bro’s. she mentioned to him to stay away from me mostly because it would be awkward etc.
i was not close with her yet, he would sometimes come over and hang with us so i got to know him. but i’d still say no to hanging out with him alone. i said no because i was trying to keep things simple . even if they went to workout and i didn’t go because of my injury, he would still come over after. he started coming over more and more to hang out with “us”.
anyways i became interested after about 2 months. i held back and def wasn’t easy. she went away for 2 weeks and we hung out and yes you guessed it....we hooked up. and then we hooked up every single day. saw eachother daily, couldn’t get enough. still had our own lives but atleast an hour together, phone calls etc. i felt very into him. i remember even keeping w distance and saying no to sex one night to see his reaction and if he would try to cut the hang out short. he didn’t, he was into me big time.
let’s add on that at this point i was aware he had been clean about 4 years from opioids (i didn’t know much about it yet but i knew he was clean), and tbh i’ve seen my share of **** i’m not naive and he absolutely seemed clean and sober. during some situations of him experiencing delayed or no orgasm even tho he we clearly enjoying it, he mentioned it’s his meds. methadone, which i was fine with i am in healthcare and i know it’s maintenance.
we after 2 weeks decided to be official. i trusted it because he knows mutual ppl, my roomie is friends with him, comes from good family etc. we decided it was worth my roommate being mad and one of us would tell her. i clarified over again if he actually was in this and this wasn’t filling a void because if i tell her and it upsets her for some rreason, i’d rather it be worth it (mind you, i only knew her a few months and i truly felt she had no reason to dictate anything plus she had her own guy).
so time went on, a few months. i was doing well for money and mentioned it and i noticed he’d ask for larger sums of money “until friday” such as $350 or $550 etc . i’m no fool and at first i trusted oh he put too much on a credit card, and he actually paid me back. but when i noticed he’d keep asking every so often with a new little excuse, and he would happen to be in an extremely good mood that way before asking and after me saying yes. i think inside i felt it but ignored it. i also noticed right from the start he spent long time in the bathroom always. brushing his teeth very often also.
so eventually he would have days he’d be withdrawn, answer me less, nap more, act more depressed and can’t hang because he is tired. he fell asleep. he began complaining of symptoms like diarrhea upset stomach, headache, sore throat . i said maybe minor withdrawal from the taper of methadone and he said no. overtime he would exhibit odd behaviour like ignoring me if i made him mad, or acting way too indifferent in person and chuckle if i got upset. so i’m no treat, so i will lose my **** if someone acts that way and will demand to know why. he wrote me a letter saying all my good qualities, he loves me and loves everything that comes with that. he explained how he gets depressed and sometimes lys in bed with dark thoughts and it’s hard for men to admit. he’s sorry and he loves me endlessly, needs me constantly and dreams of me infinitely .
within the next few weeks i confronted him and he admitted he had relapsed back in the fall (way before us), started out as pills and now was smoking fentanyl ! my heart dropped . he had been using fentanyl the whole time. i started to go back over certain moments and wonder if he was genuine, does he feel as strong as he says ? he had been single for more than a year before me. why me? why did we connect so well, i almost felt like i wanted him all the time. the hard part was with the random days i questioned what was happening, we never ended up telling my roomate . after he told me he relapsed he said he would need some space to focus. i had trouble with that out of resentment so i’d say ok but still expect too much . so i ended up breaking up with him. but we still talked more than we should. i was needy, i was overly hurt and insecure, i felt betrayed and resentful. i felt it wasn’t fair to give me all this love and now take it because you neee to be recover from an OLD ISSUE you kept from me. things would get nasty i’d send texts with hurtful things and i knew we both knew this wasn’t healthy for his recovery. he made it clear he wanted to be sure together when he is well. so he can treat me how i deserve. “i miss u so much but think how amazing it will be when we can try again and do it right this time”, he was so set on taking time and trying again. i tried to be friends and go on walks and hed say no, he needs time he can’t just act like my friend . which makes sense but i figured was a good way to keep in touch. as time went on i noticed he would get overwhelmed easily by me, one day he would be attentive, caring, loving etc qnd if i mentionee him ignoring mw the next day he woikd say "we are suppose to be on a break, dont you know what that means?"
i was becoming very mad with the behaviour. i felt crazy. i would show up at his door if he ignored me fpr hours and i knew he was done work. he seemed exhausted and told mw he loves me he needs space this is life or death. yes i agree but dont give me a taste then take it away. no games. he also detoxed hi
self and no inpatient rehab. only online NA durinf covid and reading, and a sponsor. hes had slip ups but is doing well apparently.
now i barely hear from him. beforw i would reach out first always. he stopped talking about being together in the future. when i asked he said he cant predict the future so he doesnt knpw how to answer".
he messages me roomqte a few times a week hey whats up how are you. its casual, she has bf, their convo looks like 2 buddies. but he doesnt reqch out to me like that. he has ignoree me as well. i dont reqch out anymore at all. last time 2 weeks nothing he reached out but acted casual.
i need opinion, why doesnt he bring up us anymore? why does it seem like he can pretend we didnt happen? why did he deal with being honest with me, many argumentw, just to drop the whole thing. why ignoee convo about emotion. and WHY reach out to me when i stop? (liking pice, message)
please! i need perspective.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
The only perspective I can offer is that he is either still active in his addiction or he is throwing everything he has at his recovery. Either one is a life and death battle, and it doesn’t sound like he has anything left over to give to a relationship. I hope you can accept that his fight is not something he is doing TO you—it has nothing to do with you or anyone else who cares for him.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Hi,
I'm going to touch on this. You wrote "yes i agree but dont give me a taste then take it away. "
Or what? You're going to just show up at his front door? That's not cool. Stop doing that. You look like you're obsessed over this guy. And if you're really in the health field, you know how unhealthy obsession is. Obsession is not love.
He doesn't bring you up anymore because he's in the middle of the hurricane that is his own drug infused life. He's probably not pretending you two didn't exist. It's just that he can only handle what he's facing - his drug problem. I think he reaches out to you when he doesn't hear from you because he probably does care about you. But the last thing - the very last thing he needs - is to be smothered by your insecurity. It's overwhelming and he doesn't have the internal resources to handle it.
Back off.
Getting clean and sober is no easy endeavor. It takes an immense amount of mental attention and energy, and unfortunately, no one can help us through it. And if he's not trying to get clean - his addiction is most likely consuming him.
Stop taking it personally. Addiction is the most selfish behavior on the planet that I'm aware of.
I'm going to touch on this. You wrote "yes i agree but dont give me a taste then take it away. "
Or what? You're going to just show up at his front door? That's not cool. Stop doing that. You look like you're obsessed over this guy. And if you're really in the health field, you know how unhealthy obsession is. Obsession is not love.
He doesn't bring you up anymore because he's in the middle of the hurricane that is his own drug infused life. He's probably not pretending you two didn't exist. It's just that he can only handle what he's facing - his drug problem. I think he reaches out to you when he doesn't hear from you because he probably does care about you. But the last thing - the very last thing he needs - is to be smothered by your insecurity. It's overwhelming and he doesn't have the internal resources to handle it.
Back off.
Getting clean and sober is no easy endeavor. It takes an immense amount of mental attention and energy, and unfortunately, no one can help us through it. And if he's not trying to get clean - his addiction is most likely consuming him.
Stop taking it personally. Addiction is the most selfish behavior on the planet that I'm aware of.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 6
thank you both so much for your response .i needed the insight. i realize i came across that way, it’s not characteristic of me before this. i felt like everything came crashing down fast and we weren’t totally over yet it was very up and down. i have anxiety where i can’t go to bed wondering what’s up when i’m in a confused state of mind and it made me mad that he was just ok with me feeling that way. and once i went there because he owed me several hundred dollars and wasn’t answering .
anyways, i have not shown up there in months, and when i did it was when we were in deep and i felt he was toying with me . i never dealt with this and it was difficult for me to be fully selfless. i supported him, didn’t nag or give opinions on his recovery etc. i sent him a few helpful books and affirmations from amazon back in june. the last few months i have totally backed off. just like you said . he has his space fully and i agree i don’t think it’s that e doesn’t care i think he is focusing or actively using. it bothers me he reaches o it to my roomate because they’re friends but not me because we never were just friends. it makes me feel ****** but messaging her won’t bring up harmful emotions. talking too much to me may cause relapse even from good emotion and i understand that now . thank you
anyways, i have not shown up there in months, and when i did it was when we were in deep and i felt he was toying with me . i never dealt with this and it was difficult for me to be fully selfless. i supported him, didn’t nag or give opinions on his recovery etc. i sent him a few helpful books and affirmations from amazon back in june. the last few months i have totally backed off. just like you said . he has his space fully and i agree i don’t think it’s that e doesn’t care i think he is focusing or actively using. it bothers me he reaches o it to my roomate because they’re friends but not me because we never were just friends. it makes me feel ****** but messaging her won’t bring up harmful emotions. talking too much to me may cause relapse even from good emotion and i understand that now . thank you
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Recovery looks like recovery and doesn't come quickly. A few slip ups is not recovery, although it happens often until they throw themselves into complete abstinence and have a recovery plan in action (no talk, action says it all).
He has a long journey ahead, either getting worse through using or needing his time and space for recovery, there is no good place for you in either of these journeys.
My suggestion would be to take a big time out, no contact, and work on yourself and learn why you are so attracted to a relationship that is toxic. After some time on your own, and with some counseling or meetings like CoDA, Al-anon or Nar-anon, you may learn a lot about yourself and how to make healthy choices. Also, there is a book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, that many of us here swear by as the best book written about why and how WE are codependent and what we can do about it.
It's time to take care of you. He is dragging you down with him, trying cocaine was not wise for you, I think you already know that and you are very lucky you didn't get hooked too.
Take care of yourself first, find your balance and learn how to make healthy choices, and then think about how you want to live the rest of your life....in a world of addiction or free and happy and safe.
Good luck.
He has a long journey ahead, either getting worse through using or needing his time and space for recovery, there is no good place for you in either of these journeys.
My suggestion would be to take a big time out, no contact, and work on yourself and learn why you are so attracted to a relationship that is toxic. After some time on your own, and with some counseling or meetings like CoDA, Al-anon or Nar-anon, you may learn a lot about yourself and how to make healthy choices. Also, there is a book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, that many of us here swear by as the best book written about why and how WE are codependent and what we can do about it.
It's time to take care of you. He is dragging you down with him, trying cocaine was not wise for you, I think you already know that and you are very lucky you didn't get hooked too.
Take care of yourself first, find your balance and learn how to make healthy choices, and then think about how you want to live the rest of your life....in a world of addiction or free and happy and safe.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2020
Posts: 14
What I have learned from my own narcissistic relationship is that he/she can be your own addiction. I am in the 25th day with NO Contact with my ex partner and getting stronger every day. Look up No Contact. It’s the o my way.
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