Strongwoman

I haven’t been on here in years. I originally began this group 13 years ago maybe when I was in an extremely toxic relationship. I have since healed and learned and was not committed for probably 8 years after that relationship.

I have now been together with a great man. He is a professional, beautiful father to our child and also struggles with alcohol which then leads to cocaine use. It was lies for the last 4 years and for the last year we got on a level that he will test if I have worries of him using or we are around his family that uses. I now am less of an investigator and was so at ease of him going to a bachelor party in Havasu for 5 days. Knowing that it’s his choice if he messes up. He even told me that I’d have to hold him to a test when he got back. Well he admitted when he came home that he used.

so, here is my question. I said I was done if he used again especially now that we have a 2.5 year old. I’m disgusted and checked out right now however don’t want to make the decision to end the relationship. How do I go about this with out just letting it slide? Couples counseling? When he said he has been clean from cocaine for over a year And he messed up I responded saying so if I cheated 500 times and then messed up would that be acceptable? Ya no. I’m so tired of stopping my life to take care of other people “shit”. I should be reading a potty training book right now and I’m on this forum instead. :/

advice on my next step?

LumenandNyx

Have you considered asking him to decide what to do about his relapse? If it comes from him, it may carry a lot more weight.

Strongwoman

I believe he will say to continue to do what he has been doing this last year and not drink as much. I’ve heard this before but this the first time a year has happened. Part of my problem is also why does he get to go splurge when I was so trusting and get away with it and say oops?

maelhe

I would also be worried about what happened while he was away. He seems pretty upfront about relapsing. I would ask if there is more to it than that. A bachelor party for 5 days is a long time.

new2life

From my experience and what I learned dealing with an addict husband was I had no control over his use or relapses. If he's been clean and knows the drill he will show you not tell you he's done. Simply saying going to some meetings, maybe he can read some self help books. But ultimately you can only keep track of yourself. If your willing to give him a chance then so be it. If your not comfortable and think his relapse is too much to handle only you can remove yourself from the situation. But his sobriety won't come from ultimatums and drug tests from you. I had hundreds of drug test. And when he used he just was up front about it instead wasting a test. I had to make a choice. Except it and go on with the relationship or "wait" for the other shoe to drop. A vicious cycle and my heart goes out to you. And no matter your desicion to stay or go is for you and you only to choose. I know I would make many new lines to cross as each one was crossed.

Ann

This is a sad and difficult decision for you to make, only this time there is a child involved.

If you want to give him "one more chance", go ahead. If you want to leave, go ahead.

It's up to YOU to decide how you want to live and how you want to raise your child.

I would let his actions speak for how he is thinking. Promises to get what he wants don't mean much, what he DOES to help himself end this cycle will show soon.

It's okay to take time and make a plan, even if you don't use it, of what you will do "next time" or even now.

I believe he will say to continue to do what he has been doing this last year and not drink as much.

The red flag I see with the above is that this method didn't work, cutting back usually doesn't. Complete abstinence speaks louder than "I just won't do this as much". It's sort of like waiting for the next shoe to fall.

Good luck, I don't think anyone gets used to this kind of pain.