emp4th

Hello everyone. I have posted here a few times before about the same relationship and find it brings me some peace and helps me to feel I am not alone, so thank you so much to all the lovely people who have responded to me before.

As I wrote in my last post, my relationship with my addict boyfriend is finally over and has been for almost 50 days. He is a gambling and marijuana addict. He dumped me, saying he didn't love me anymore and has not contacted me since then. I desperately want to move on and felt I was doing well the first month. The thing is that I am now on my own journey, breaking free of my nicotine addiction. I quit smoking about 20 days ago now, and since I quit I have felt so much pain and despair about this break up. I feel terrible about myself and my life. I feel like my ex is doing better than me and will find someone amazing. I feel it has really knocked my self-confidence that he broke up with me and hasn't come running back like all the times before. Maybe I just wasn't good enough for him.

In reality, he was not a good boyfriend and caused me so many problems. I was constantly anxious that he was lying to me (as he had so many times before) and had gone back to his addictions. He never listened to me or cared about how I felt, and got angry when I tried to tell him. He took money from me, even though he is five years older and was in a full time job whereas I was a student working part time. He hurt me without thinking of the consequences and came back each time because he knew he had a hold on me. I know he did the right thing to finish with me, but I feel so rejected. I know it's awful to say but when we were together I felt he needed to be looked after and that I had more going for me; now I feel like an utter loser and am questioning everything about myself. I feel completely unlovable. I don't know what I could have done to make him stop loving me.

I just need a little perspective. I feel like I'm in a dark hole and am struggling to get out. I really loved him; it didn't matter how many times he hurt me because I knew he was struggling and I wanted to be there for him through everything. I feel so lost and so hurt. Any advice or words of support would be appreciated as I feel very alone at the moment. Thank you.

Seren

Oh, emp4th, I'm so sorry you are down. Many of us here have struggled with self-esteem issues as some point or another. Things are a little quiet around here on the weekends, but others will be along soon to share their own experiences, too.

I think the reason many of us become involved with people who don't treat us well is that we feel we aren't worth better treatment. That someone with character, kindness, and compassion would never take a second look at us. But it's not true!

You are worth the love of someone who holds you in the highest esteem. Someone who wants only your best interests and treats you with dignity and respect. Believe me, you are a lovable human.

LumenandNyx

Hi there,

It looks like you allowed him to define your purpose. Now that he's gone, you're left to define it yourself. This is a very cool thing. Who and what do you want to be? Where do you want to go in life? What kind of man do you really want to be your life partner? Because he's out there...

emp4th

Thank you so much for your kind words. It helps to know others feel the same and that I am not alone in this struggle. I hope I can grow and learn from this experience.
xxx

Seren

You absolutely can! Just put the same effort into you as you did in trying to hold onto that relationship. Believe, all your effort toward your own growth will be so much more satisfying than anything that you got out of that toxic relationship.

Ann

What Seren said!

It doesn't matter who broke up with who, I think you know that this relationship was toxic and you deserve so much better.

You WILL be okay, once you take time to heal and focus on your own well being. I promise.

trailmix

Hi emp4th, sorry you are having such a hard time, but it really is understandable.

Have you read Codependent no more by Melody Beattie? You might find that book really helpful in looking at boundaries in relationships. It's often recommended around here.

Also, you might find this thread, from the stickies section in the F&F of Alcoholics section helpful too:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

There are a lot of threads there you might like to read, the Classic Reading threads are here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Are you taking good care of yourself? That's really the most important thing. Eat well, sleep well, even get a bit of exercise (even just a short walk can lift your spirits). Are you spending time with family and friends or at least keeping in touch often? Although it can be tough to visit or go places during the pandemic, that doesn't stop you from going for a drive in the car or watching a really great movie.

You deserve to have nice things in your life. You didn't fit in with this drug/gambling life, that's the truth and the addictions trump, it happens all the time as you know. While you probably feel rejected, it is truly not a rejection of you, it is him going toward what he wants. Men and women leave their families and babies and friends, jobs etc for addiction(s) many times. Does that mean that somehow these people are not "worthy"? Not at all.

You will be fine, hold on to that thought, keep doing the next right thing for yourself.

emp4th

Thank you so much for your reply. I have read Codependent No More in the past but I think it may be time to revisit it, and I will definitely have a look at the other threads; I find this to be a very supportive community. I'm taking it one day at a time at the moment and am planning to start doing some exercise which I hope will improve my mood. Thank you again for your thoughtful response. xx