Spice and its consequences
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Spice and its consequences
Here I am on this forum. Life has some strange twists an turns. I joined SR FF like 17 years ago while dealing with my AH. He died from complications of alcohol May 1. We were separated 5 years.
About 2 years ago I got with BF 15 years my junior. We started living together soon. He drank a little, smoked a little weed but no problems. Then we moved to an area known for its drugs. I was hesitant because he had been there in his past when he did more drugs. But we went forward. He began to do spice, K2. In January, I could see his usage going way up, it was affecting our relationship, his lies increased, he said he would stop after his "ash" residue was used up. It was unending like spice manna from heaven, for him. He was caught by me with the fresh stuff April 30. He got so high that neighbors saw him in the day face plant himself 4 times. I was making arrangements to pull the plug on my husband in a trauma hospital that day. I got no support.
The spice use continued on. But now he became increasingly violent and stole more money. He didn't work for a year...had to finance it somehow. Late June his sister called the cops on him for shoving me and throwing water at me. I didn't press charges, he only spent two nights, and I said no more spice to him or we're done. He increased his spice, lies, stealing hundreds, and violence escalated.
July 24, I accused him of being to manic on spice. He argued and intimidated me. I tried to get to the bedroom to lock the door but he got in. I was flat on my back screaming for him to leave me alone. I had Raid in my hand and sprayed him to get him away. Instead he grabbed the power drill from the nightstand and drilled my thigh. I bled for hours but eventually called the cops. He's in jail facing big time for felony assault with a deadly weapon. Even now I still love him and want to help him. But at least he's away from spice. Rehab would he better than jail. I don't know. I haven't had any communication with him, just released cellmates saying how much he loves me, is sorry, and doesn't remember hurting me. I can't seem to escape this codependency hell no matter how I try, including alanon I thought I succeeded with my husband by leaving the situation after 16 years.
About 2 years ago I got with BF 15 years my junior. We started living together soon. He drank a little, smoked a little weed but no problems. Then we moved to an area known for its drugs. I was hesitant because he had been there in his past when he did more drugs. But we went forward. He began to do spice, K2. In January, I could see his usage going way up, it was affecting our relationship, his lies increased, he said he would stop after his "ash" residue was used up. It was unending like spice manna from heaven, for him. He was caught by me with the fresh stuff April 30. He got so high that neighbors saw him in the day face plant himself 4 times. I was making arrangements to pull the plug on my husband in a trauma hospital that day. I got no support.
The spice use continued on. But now he became increasingly violent and stole more money. He didn't work for a year...had to finance it somehow. Late June his sister called the cops on him for shoving me and throwing water at me. I didn't press charges, he only spent two nights, and I said no more spice to him or we're done. He increased his spice, lies, stealing hundreds, and violence escalated.
July 24, I accused him of being to manic on spice. He argued and intimidated me. I tried to get to the bedroom to lock the door but he got in. I was flat on my back screaming for him to leave me alone. I had Raid in my hand and sprayed him to get him away. Instead he grabbed the power drill from the nightstand and drilled my thigh. I bled for hours but eventually called the cops. He's in jail facing big time for felony assault with a deadly weapon. Even now I still love him and want to help him. But at least he's away from spice. Rehab would he better than jail. I don't know. I haven't had any communication with him, just released cellmates saying how much he loves me, is sorry, and doesn't remember hurting me. I can't seem to escape this codependency hell no matter how I try, including alanon I thought I succeeded with my husband by leaving the situation after 16 years.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I accused him of being to manic on spice. He argued and intimidated me. I tried to get to the bedroom to lock the door but he got in. I was flat on my back screaming for him to leave me alone. I had Raid in my hand and sprayed him to get him away. Instead he grabbed the power drill from the nightstand and drilled my thigh. I bled for hours but eventually called the cops. He's in jail facing big time for felony assault with a deadly weapon. Even now I still love him and want to help him.
It's not you fault, but something in you makes you vulnerable to abuser type people. And of course they like you to believe you cause all the problems...that's called gaslighting, making you feel like you had any part in this or deserved the abuse. You did not and do not.
I say this seriously and with love in my heart, not being judgemental one bit, but this man very well might kill you.
Most of us are here because WE need help and help IS available. Find a women's shelter in your area and ask to see someone. They will help you even if you do not leave, by connecting you with counselors and services that can help you help yourself.
You don't have to live like this anymore. You can make a plan, even if you don't use it and prepare to leave anytime, like the next time he is abusive...if he doesn't seriously injure you or worse...and sadly, there will be a next time. That's how abuse works and escalates.
We care very much about you here, you are not alone in all this. Just know that and think about getting help for you.
Hugs
At the top of this forum are "Sticky" threads, and one has lots of information for the Abused woman.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Here is a link that will give you several threads about abuse. Please read them and think very hard and know that you deserve a safe and happy life. 
Hotline numbers are included in the last one and they give numbers that cannot be traced by someone checking your calls.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...43-abused.html (For the Abused)
Hotline numbers are included in the last one and they give numbers that cannot be traced by someone checking your calls.https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...43-abused.html (For the Abused)
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
Hey St Francis
The idea of anyone drilling someone else’s leg with a power drill Is abuse to me. High or drunk, spice, weed or whatever else there no excuse, ever, for treating another human being that way - especially one you profess to love.
I’m an addict and alcoholic. It took me decades to out down my weed and booze. I was a slow learner - but I did it. In recovery now for nearly as long as you’ve been here at SR.
You can do it too
You deserve much much better.
Do look through the links Ann pointed to.
Stay away from him and his ‘cell mates’.
Keep yourself safe.
D
The idea of anyone drilling someone else’s leg with a power drill Is abuse to me. High or drunk, spice, weed or whatever else there no excuse, ever, for treating another human being that way - especially one you profess to love.
I’m an addict and alcoholic. It took me decades to out down my weed and booze. I was a slow learner - but I did it. In recovery now for nearly as long as you’ve been here at SR.
You can do it too
You deserve much much better.Do look through the links Ann pointed to.
Stay away from him and his ‘cell mates’.
Keep yourself safe.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Florida
Posts: 115
Thank you. Yes. I did read the stickies of abuse. I talked to the domestic abuse hotline too. I own my home. He's in jail and I have to be notified if he gets out. He wouldn't hurt me anyway. I'm sure. He might do years in prison for this. I don't attract abusers but alcoholics and drug abusers, I guess. My AH of 21 years never physically hurt me but the verbal was bad. I know there is something broken in me and at my age, I need to accept I will be alone. That's a little tough but seems to be my fate. I don't think he knows what he did because of the spice but I can't keep him from the spice. I didn't cause it, I can't control it, I can't cure it. 😥 What I want to know is if I make a statement about spice being the cause, will it help him in his case? Should I help?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Please be completely honest if you have to give a statement and don't make excuses for him. He drilled your leg, you could have died. Again, he could have killed you.
As you find help for you, you will begin to understand the danger you are in. Getting a restraining order and enforcing it from your end will help protect you. If you talk to him or let him in the order will be futile so keep yourself safe.
Another suggestion is to try very hard to stop thinking about him...what he should do or what you can do to help him or what his cell mates say. Detach completely, change your number if you can and just focus on you.
Please listen to the advice here, we all understand and are trying to help you. You may not like what you hear but know it was said with love.
Until you help you, the pain will remain. Each time you are in contact of any kind, the confusion will begin and the process will continue. He will try to sweet talk you back, then maybe threaten you if you refuse and the circle of abuse continues. Please talk to the people at those help lines and take their advice.
And importantly, get proper legal advice on how to protect your home and assets as you proceed.
As you find help for you, you will begin to understand the danger you are in. Getting a restraining order and enforcing it from your end will help protect you. If you talk to him or let him in the order will be futile so keep yourself safe.
Another suggestion is to try very hard to stop thinking about him...what he should do or what you can do to help him or what his cell mates say. Detach completely, change your number if you can and just focus on you.
Please listen to the advice here, we all understand and are trying to help you. You may not like what you hear but know it was said with love.
Until you help you, the pain will remain. Each time you are in contact of any kind, the confusion will begin and the process will continue. He will try to sweet talk you back, then maybe threaten you if you refuse and the circle of abuse continues. Please talk to the people at those help lines and take their advice.
And importantly, get proper legal advice on how to protect your home and assets as you proceed.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
He wouldn't hurt me anyway.
I don;t think you're irreparably broken and I don't think you need to live the rest of your life alone.
Along with the rest of my problems I had an abusive relationship as well.
I left that and, after some work and a little time, I have a wonderful healthy relationship with someone else now.
You can recover from co-dependency too
If you haven't read Melody Beattie, her book 'Co Dependent No More' is a good start?
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,499
Originally Posted by Saint Francis 
He wouldn't hurt me anyway. I'm sure.
And, you said your ex-husband was verbally abusive, but not physically abusive. Verbal abuse is abuse. And, you deserve better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
Originally Posted by Saint Francis
😥 What I want to know is if I make a statement about spice being the cause, will it help him in his case? Should I help?
No. No, you should not help.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
Saint Francis, I am sorry your boyfriend became so violent and abusive with you. That must have been terrifying. I'm sure the emotional and mental anguish because of the drill was just as painful as the physical. Imagine if your friend, sister, or daughter told you this had happened to her... what would be your advice to that woman? I think you should give yourself that same advice.
I also think that the very best thing you can do for the man that took a power tool to your body, is to let him face the full consequences of his actions. We often dismiss our addicts' bad behaviour as if it was the substance's fault the the person acted poorly. " He was drunk, he didn't mean it" or "she was high, she wouldn't have done it otherwise"...etc. We don't do them any service by making excuses for them. They know they shouldn't use, they do it anyway, so any poor behaviour that results from that is therefore, most certainly, THEIR FAULT. Softening the blow for them only perpetuates the problem. Having to face real consequences for real behaviour can often be the catalyst for the addict deciding it's time to make some serious life changes.
I know you know you didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it. But trying to "help" his legal situation is trying to control an outcome for him. I hope you decide to give him the dignity to face his consequences all on his own, sink or swim. It could be what actually saves him from himself.
Please focus on looking after yourself. You have had some traumatic experiences because of this man, now that he is gone, I hope you make yourself your main priority. Let him do him, you do you. *hugs*
I also think that the very best thing you can do for the man that took a power tool to your body, is to let him face the full consequences of his actions. We often dismiss our addicts' bad behaviour as if it was the substance's fault the the person acted poorly. " He was drunk, he didn't mean it" or "she was high, she wouldn't have done it otherwise"...etc. We don't do them any service by making excuses for them. They know they shouldn't use, they do it anyway, so any poor behaviour that results from that is therefore, most certainly, THEIR FAULT. Softening the blow for them only perpetuates the problem. Having to face real consequences for real behaviour can often be the catalyst for the addict deciding it's time to make some serious life changes.
I know you know you didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it. But trying to "help" his legal situation is trying to control an outcome for him. I hope you decide to give him the dignity to face his consequences all on his own, sink or swim. It could be what actually saves him from himself.
Please focus on looking after yourself. You have had some traumatic experiences because of this man, now that he is gone, I hope you make yourself your main priority. Let him do him, you do you. *hugs*
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,254
First thing is stay safe and worry about yourself. Many acting out in any manner while intoxicated isn't necessarily from the drug. Numerous drugs lower inhibition or impulse control making it easier for the addict to do what the feel like or act on thoughts running through their head. If he's violent he's probably a normally a 'violent' person with pre existing anger issues to say the least. It could be resentment, bitterness, paranoia etc. Can't blame it all on drugs. The fact that he decided to chose to use/abuse them is on him.
Also I don't think pot and related drugs are the 'happy' drugs many think they are. I've seen them make a bad temper worse ie and put them in a state of agitation. But this goes backs to many drugs simply lowering impulse control and not manufacturing emotions or behavior..
Move on. Worry about yourself and stay safe.
Also I don't think pot and related drugs are the 'happy' drugs many think they are. I've seen them make a bad temper worse ie and put them in a state of agitation. But this goes backs to many drugs simply lowering impulse control and not manufacturing emotions or behavior..
Move on. Worry about yourself and stay safe.
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