Is it all pointless?

Old 08-12-2020, 12:28 AM
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Is it all pointless?

I'm new to this particular board, but I've been on sober recovery for years... and quite honestly, I'm absolutely shocked and stunned to find myself here on this board - no offence intended dear fellow travellers. Perhaps, I shouldn't be surprised. Actually, I absolutely shouldn't be and perhaps the lesson here is I need to keep in check of my own bloody issues, recovery and (perhaps) arrogance?

Anyway, I'm not here to beat myself (or anyone else) up ... I'm here genuinely searching for some guidance and suggestions as I'm dealing with someone who is using a sibstance I'm not at all familiar with (crack) and quite honestly I am lost, out of my depth, worried sick, really upset, hurt, angry, concerned and ... feeling not a little helpless, hopeless and useless!

I'd like to be supportive, but my ignorance of the substance combined with my own experience of addictions means I'm blinded by my own ignorance, projections and fears!

Briefly the situation is; my girlfriend who is an ex-heroin / crack user has had a relapse and has had a couple of days back smoking crack. This she admitted to me yesterday, I'm sorry to say my reaction was terrible, but ignore that for the time being. Currently she claims that she "doesn't intend" on using again. I think she is lying to herself. Her attitude to the relapse is the typical "anger, disappointment, can't feel worse than I already do". I'd like to say that her attitude to relapse might be positive in some sense i.e. realises the error, trying not to allow the relapse to define her, treating each day as it comes. But to my world view, that treating each day as it comes is defeatist and a resignation suggesting that sounds to my ears like "If I want to use tomorrow, I will".

Anyway... I'm all up for hearing any and all suggestions. I know I can't change her, I know I'm in danger of enabling her.... Come on SR members, help me out please. I feel... well, a bit broken and lost.







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Old 08-12-2020, 09:30 AM
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Originally Posted by makomago View Post
I'm new to this particular board, but I've been on sober recovery for years... and quite honestly, I'm absolutely shocked and stunned to find myself here on this board...

I'm here genuinely searching for some guidance and suggestions as I'm dealing with someone who is using a sibstance ...

I'd like to be supportive, but my ignorance of the substance combined with my own experience of addictions means I'm blinded by my own ignorance, projections and fears!

...

my girlfriend who is an ex-heroin / crack user has had a relapse ... my reaction was terrible, ... Currently she claims that she "doesn't intend" on using again. I think she is lying to herself. ....

Anyway... I'm all up for hearing any and all suggestions. I know I can't change her, I know I'm in danger of enabling her.... Come on SR members, help me out please. I feel... well, a bit broken and lost.
It looks to me like you know you can't control or fix her. All you can do is control yourself and your own behavior. You can remove yourself from the drama and reenter her life once she's established herself in sobriety.
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Old 08-12-2020, 09:31 AM
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Originally Posted by makomago View Post
I'm new to this particular board, but I've been on sober recovery for years... and quite honestly, I'm absolutely shocked and stunned to find myself here on this board...

I'm here genuinely searching for some guidance and suggestions as I'm dealing with someone who is using a sibstance ...

I'd like to be supportive, but my ignorance of the substance combined with my own experience of addictions means I'm blinded by my own ignorance, projections and fears!

...

my girlfriend who is an ex-heroin / crack user has had a relapse ... my reaction was terrible, ... Currently she claims that she "doesn't intend" on using again. I think she is lying to herself. ....

Anyway... I'm all up for hearing any and all suggestions. I know I can't change her, I know I'm in danger of enabling her.... Come on SR members, help me out please. I feel... well, a bit broken and lost.
It looks to me like you know you can't control or fix her. All you can do is control yourself and your own behavior. You can remove yourself from the drama and reenter her life once she's established herself in sobriety.
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Old 08-12-2020, 12:41 PM
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Thanks.... You'd be amazed how many times I've made the same suggestion! I think you are 100% right, but I'm so sad to admit that, like really hurting! I so wanted to hear something else.

I guess, in that context, she's not the only one lying to herself! :-(

I saw her today, btw. She seemed OK. Which I took to mean, probably using. She claimed otherwise. I didn't bother to ask...

Oh, man alive!

BUt, actually, it is very re-assuring to be told that which in my heart of hearts, I know to be true. Oh, man alive I hurt!
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Old 08-12-2020, 08:10 PM
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Mako,

Knowing something and accepting it are two entirely different things. This is why the first of the twelve steps is admitting - as in letting the truth of our situation fully inside of our selves and our perspective. Her problem is the relapse. Your problem is accepting that you are powerless over her addiction. You surely know that you are powerless, but if you find yourself struggling against it perhaps you haven't really accepted it?

Having sponsored a number of men in their journey I have found myself in your situation several times. In my experience, when we care about someone else's sobriety more than they do, we render ourselves useless to them and risk our own sanity in the process.

The day will hopefully come when your efforts can support her sobriety - but she has to make that happen on her own. In the meantime, take care of you.

Best,
Eddie
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Old 08-13-2020, 02:32 AM
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mako-------it sounds like you have the concept of being powerless over her addiction locked down----intellectually, at least. And, you know about the value in letting go and letting God.
The thought that I have is that you may be in a grieving process. Especially so, if there is a romantic element in your relationship with her.
Perhaps this signals to you the possible impending loss of the relationship----? That would certainly trigger a grieving process---and the pain of such is almost indescribable in it's intensity.
Have you ever grieved the loss of a relationship before---or, even the possibility?
I may be on the wrong track---as you have not indicated the nature of your relationship. If so---just ignore me. In any case, I have empathy for your pain.
I am glad that you have reached out for help. that is always a good thing to do.
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Old 08-13-2020, 02:48 AM
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Thanks... I knew posting on this here board, here on sober recovery would deliver a few truth bombs that I needed to have to explode in my [ albeit, very handsome :-)] FACE!

Really, a gazillion thanks.... Excuse the phrase but one's own **** don't stink! Couldn't see the wood for the trees etc etc.. I dunno. Choose a good analogy, I'm sure you catch my drift?.

BUT I think you absolutely nailed it! I absolutely had not accepted that I was powerless over her addition and not only was I struggling with that, I was ignoring it and fighting (hard) against it. Truth be told, I'm not sure I've accepted it yet, but at least with a bit of guidance, some excellent reminders & pointers, I know my direction of travel! I feel a sense of relief... and for that I'm grateful.

The other trap I fell right into btw was trying to control it... I'm still currently in the trap of blaming myself btw

Luckily, or unluckily for me, I've not faced a situation before where I was invested emotionally in an active addict, in their relapse. And it came right out of the blue. It was a shock, I'm still in a bit of shock. Not for their relapse, but for how it has 'hit' me ... And how I was so very powerless over my reactions - as you rightly say, knowing and accepting are too totally different things.

I thought about my reactions and coming from an alcoholic and dysfunctional family with a Mother who was alcoholic, depressive, frequently suicidal and almost certainly addicted to prescription drugs.... I think it triggered me, I really do! I think all my abandonment issues and the complex ptsd, trauma and ******** of trying to take the tablets from my own Mothers mouth to prevent her killing herself when I was too young to know my age came rushing back at me, seemingly out of the blue. Powerless to deal with my reactions and the fear created. It was a child like reaction.

I thought I'd 'dealt with' such issues and thought I'd not face such things again! Really I did. Its added to my inability to get to grips with the whole situation.

Your comment "when we care about someone else's sobriety more than they do, we render ourselves useless to them and risk our own sanity in the process" Is greatly appreciated... that's exactly the kind of guidance I was looking!

To those who have responded so far....

It's been an age since I've experienced such enormous gratitude to someone helping me with this recovery business. That's not to say I don't remember and I'm not still grateful to the many who have helped me, just that I've not needed such help for an age. That's a good thing. My life has been peaceful and simple, thanks to a large extent to following a number of suggestions similar to those above... Anyway, I am enormously grateful. Really, truly I am.

I'll take it easy and I'm gonna keep coming back :-)

Mako

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Old 08-13-2020, 03:07 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
mako-------it sounds like you have the concept of being powerless over her addiction locked down----intellectually, at least. And, you know about the value in letting go and letting God.
The thought that I have is that you may be in a grieving process. Especially so, if there is a romantic element in your relationship with her.
Perhaps this signals to you the possible impending loss of the relationship----? That would certainly trigger a grieving process---and the pain of such is almost indescribable in it's intensity.
Have you ever grieved the loss of a relationship before---or, even the possibility?
I may be on the wrong track---as you have not indicated the nature of your relationship. If so---just ignore me. In any case, I have empathy for your pain.
I am glad that you have reached out for help. that is always a good thing to do.
You're absolutely right about the romantic element of the relationship!

I'd not considered 'grieving the loss of the relationship' and I didn't WANT/couldn't stand the thought of having to - I think I knew instinctively that that was likely. I also couldn't stand the thought of being lower down the pecking order, you know ... replaced by crack cocaine and those that can offer it, or share that experience, or that she'd prefer to be exploited for her addiction than not exploited. I think the rejection of me as a human being was too much for me to cope with.

I think this , this "grieving" is also in the mix, perhaps just as much as my lack of acceptance and inability to even consider my powerlessness over the situation, her addition etc etc Although, of course they're all intrinsically linked - at least when I'm in that moment of crisis.

I've not knowingly grieved the end of a romantic relationship. I'm familiar with the grieving process. With this... the opposite was the case, it was just starting to flourish. I guess this has added to utter despair I felt.

What a sad, sad situation I find myself in.

This is all great stuff gang. I know I keep saying it, but I'm super grateful. I truly mean that. From the bottom of my heart... and I've a lump in my throat just typing that.


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Old 08-13-2020, 03:20 AM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
mako-------it sounds like you have the concept of being powerless over her addiction locked down----intellectually, at least. And, you know about the value in letting go and letting God.In any case, I have empathy for your pain.
I am glad that you have reached out for help. that is always a good thing to do.
I have admitted I'm powerless over a number of things... but THIS is an entirely new situation for me (relationship with addict, active or otherwise) and I totally and utterly missed and didn't even consider the suggested 12 step process. I'm very familiar with the process and the concept. In ignorance or blindness I wasn't expecting to have to make such an admission. Not the slightest 'whiff' had I... perhaps, I was just so wrapped up in the moment and the wishful thinking that I just couldn't see what was bleeding obvious! That's probably the truth.

Truly I am shocked at myself for my reactions and for ignoring all the things you guys have very accurately spotted. If you'd have asked me what I would do in such circumstances, I'd have told you I'd do exactly the opposite of what I'm actually doing. I wouldn't have lied, but I'm stunned at how much the emotional involvement has blinded me to the truth. I'm not enjoying what little bit, let me tell you... I'm in pain, I really hurt.

BUT hearing back that which I know and have probably suggested to others (over the years) is genuinely about as usefull as it gets. I say that because, I don't want anyone to not post something that is (seemingly) obvious. Let me tell you.... I can't see the wood for the trees! I'm blinded to this every bit as the addict...

And now I write that I think I'm in a full on co-dependent relapse! Another thing I've just discovered I'm powerless over (again).

Guys & gals ... just fabulous stuff coming from you. Fabulous that you're helping me, help myself with your comments, suggestions, questions and truth.
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Old 08-13-2020, 06:53 PM
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mako------none of us---None---are immune for the indescribable, excrutiating pain that comes with the grieving of loss---loss of someone or something that we have given our heart or invested a part of ourselves into. It is (mostly) an emotional process that has to play itself out, once it is upon us. Grief will have it's own way and own time.
Actually, grieving is really the first steps toward our eventually healing. Mother Nature has wired us like this.
The best news----just as we are wired to grieve---we are wired to heal. lol---or, otherwise, we would all have ended up in a ditch---and,our species would never have made it this far.
Don;t try to overthink it. While ruminating is one stage of the grieving process----overthinking won't help.
My suggestion---keep looking forward and consider that just getting through each day as a great big Victory! Every day, no matter how difficult, brings one a day closer to the healing---and laughing and loving again.
I know that it feels like your heart and soul have been slammed to the bottom of the ocean floor---but, it won't always feel like this. You are going to see blue skies again!!!!!!
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Old 08-13-2020, 08:04 PM
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Read one of my posts , The only GF I ever had OD'd on prescription drugs .
I took care of her for over 6 years , and it was tough putting her in her grave .
I will never forget that .
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