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Advice needed now

Old 07-21-2020, 09:10 AM
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any
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Advice needed now

Hi everybody!
I recently posted a thread called ďwhat role to play in his lifeĒ well I decided he should not be in my life. The issue I am facing now is how do I remove him without pushing him back from his process and feeling guilty? Itís very hard for me to cut people off because I always feel guilty but honestly I need him out of my life. Iím not healthy. I have to take things to sleep. I have no motivation anymore. He wants me to visit him in rehab but honestly I donít want to. I need to be away from him, all heís done is bring me heartache. Thank you to everybody who responded last time. You all gave me a perspective. I just need advice on how to be mature about this. My end goal is to not have him in my life for awhile, but Iím scared because last time his family was mean to me and for some reason it really hurt. Please let me know if you have any ideas.
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Old 07-21-2020, 09:17 AM
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You're an adult.

If people you know can't handle that you're choosing to take some time for yourself (with no other explanation offered on your part because it's none of their business) then that's not your problem. It's theirs. Let them work it out.

A stiff upper lip is what I believe the term for this is called. Show one.
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Old 07-21-2020, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by LumenandNyx View Post
You're an adult.

If people you know can't handle that you're choosing to take some time for yourself (with no other explanation offered on your part because it's none of their business) then that's not your problem. It's theirs. Let them work it out.

A stiff upper lip is what I believe the term for this is called. Show one.
For me, thatís a lot easier said than done. I know heís going through a very hard time and I donít want to cause more pain. In the past Iíve tried saying hey letís take some space and he either completely ignores that or heís like ďno Iím okay now we donít need to do thatĒ Then I give in because my heart wants him, my head is like what are you doing. I understand Iím an adult but it is hard for me to just be like I need space and not feel bad. Do you have any advice on how I could show a ďstiff upper lipĒ? Iím all ears! Thanks for the reply!
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Old 07-21-2020, 10:20 AM
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First, recognize that he does not respect you as an individual with the right to boundaries of your own.

He is experiencing the consequences of his choices. It really has nothing to do with you. His pain is his; you are not responsible for causing it, nor are you capable of relieving it. Focus on taking care of yourself and allow him the dignity of dealing with his own issues.
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Old 07-21-2020, 10:57 AM
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Boundaries are about what is good for you and not what "they" should or should not do with their own lives. Setting a boundary doesn't need approval or even understanding from anyone else.

For example:

I need to take time for myself, for some therapy and to find my balance in life and to treat myself well. If you don't respect my boundary then I will cut all contact and make sure my personal emotional, physical and spiritual needs are in a healthy place. PERIOD. THE END.

Then don't take his calls, don't read his messages, or those from his family, or better yet, change your number.

Dear girl, you deserve to treat yourself well right now (and always). Don't let the "guilt button" do you in!

And then once you have declared your boundary, protect it and yourself as if your life depended on it....because it does.

Good luck.
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Old 07-21-2020, 12:15 PM
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Is this immature

Would it be immature to block him? And just not say anything to him? Itís at the point where he will overly post certain things and he knows I look at that stuff but he wonít ďtext me firstĒ if that makes sense. I am over the childish behavior. Is blocking him and just leaving it at that and not saying anything, a bad thing to want to do? If I set boundaries he wonít follow them Iíve tried that in the past. I kind of just want to remove him off everything and be done, if that makes sense. Sorry for asking for some much advice, I just donít like talking to my mom about it anymore.
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Old 07-21-2020, 12:46 PM
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Hi any, opinions will vary but my opinion is yes, it is rude. Since you are going to block him everywhere anyway, how can it hurt to let him know? Otherwise he doesn't know. Did you fall off the face of the earth? Did you decide to ignore him? Did he say something wrong? That seems quite cruel to do to someone I think.

Maybe just text or msg one or two lines - I don't think we should talk to each other for now, I need time away. That's it, that's all you have to say then start blocking.
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Old 07-21-2020, 02:25 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Hi any, opinions will vary but my opinion is yes, it is rude. Since you are going to block him everywhere anyway, how can it hurt to let him know? Otherwise he doesn't know. Did you fall off the face of the earth? Did you decide to ignore him? Did he say something wrong? That seems quite cruel to do to someone I think.

Maybe just text or msg one or two lines - I don't think we should talk to each other for now, I need time away. That's it, that's all you have to say then start blocking.
Honestly all my friends keep saying just block him donít tell him, I think itís immature but I tried to get space today and he completely changed the subject and then made me feel bad. Then he was like well Iím leaving rehab early because apparently heís ďimproving at a great paceĒ so he can leave 2 weeks early. This relationship is just so messy right now and I donít know how much more I can take.
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Old 07-21-2020, 04:15 PM
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Originally Posted by any View Post
For me, thatís a lot easier said than done. I know heís going through a very hard time and I donít want to cause more pain. In the past Iíve tried saying hey letís take some space and he either completely ignores that or heís like ďno Iím okay now we donít need to do thatĒ Then I give in because my heart wants him, my head is like what are you doing. I understand Iím an adult but it is hard for me to just be like I need space and not feel bad. Do you have any advice on how I could show a ďstiff upper lipĒ? Iím all ears! Thanks for the reply!
Yes, he's going through a hard time. But it's a time he's put himself through. You're not obligated to mother him while finds his way back through and out. And it sounds like he has plenty of family available to him. Any pain he endures that comes from anywhere or any person is a consequence of this position he's put himself in. Do you understand this? You're not responsible for his pain. Neither is anyone else - no matter where it comes from. He is.

Yes, this is hard for you too. And you're not into it anymore (finally - right?). There's no book or rule out here that says Life is always easy. Right now - you're having to go through your own hard / challenging time in life. And such is life.

Just like he simply can't drink again - ever. You have to bite the bullet and start putting yourself first. To hell with others that call you selfish. Yeah! AND?!!

Jeez!

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Old 07-21-2020, 05:16 PM
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Since you have repeatedly tried to cool things off with him and he has rejected the premise, no, I donít think cutting contact without communicating your intent first is at all rude or immature.

You always have the right to leave a place that is making you uncomfortableóa party, a room, a job, a conversation, a relationship. You do not owe anyone anything when enforcing your own boundary.
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Old 07-21-2020, 05:21 PM
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Originally Posted by LumenandNyx View Post
Yes, he's going through a hard time. But it's a time he's put himself through. You're not obligated to mother him while finds his way back through and out. And it sounds like he has plenty of family available to him. Any pain he endures that comes from anywhere or any person is a consequence of this position he's put himself in. Do you understand this? You're not responsible for his pain. Neither is anyone else - no matter where it comes from. He is.

Yes, this is hard for you too. And you're not into it anymore (finally - right?). There's no book or rule out here that says Life is always easy. Right now - you're having to go through your own hard / challenging time in life. And such is life.

Just like he simply can't drink again - ever. You have to bite the bullet and start putting yourself first. To hell with others that call you selfish. Yeah! AND?!!

Jeez!

i had a stiff upper lip today! Thank you 💖 honestly Iíve only been ďstrongerď because I posted on here. He was just so rude to me and I put my foot down and then he tried to manipulate me and make me feel bad, but I caught it. I ended it but now heís saying ďwe arenít breaking up weíve been through too muchĒ so Iím just not replying. Iím being tough. Thank you 💖❤️
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Old 07-21-2020, 05:53 PM
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"I ended it but now he’s saying “we aren’t breaking up we’ve been through too much” so I’m just not replying."

No reply IS a reply. Absolutely brilliant. You're awesome!!
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Old 07-22-2020, 02:31 PM
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any-----we al have certain basic responsibilities in this life. We are responsible for our own happiness, once we become adult. We are responsible for looking out for our own best welfare---because there is no guarantee that anyone else is going to.do so. (everyone is focused on their own desires and welfare, first).
We are entitled to protect ourselves from harm, in whatever form it comes in. It is a basic entitlement, and no need to feel guilty. Even animals are entitled to that---it is called self preservaton.

Never feel guilty for your own self preservation!
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Old 07-23-2020, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
First, recognize that he does not respect you as an individual with the right to boundaries of your own.

He is experiencing the consequences of his choices. It really has nothing to do with you. His pain is his; you are not responsible for causing it, nor are you capable of relieving it. Focus on taking care of yourself and allow him the dignity of dealing with his own issues.
thank you, I have chosen to take a step back for a few days and take time for myself. Iím turning my phone off for 3 days. He did agree to talk before I left for college to talk about boundaries. I havenít seen him since he went to rehab, Iím scared? I just am worried how things are going to be. Thanks for you reply!
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Old 07-23-2020, 01:24 PM
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty View Post
Since you have repeatedly tried to cool things off with him and he has rejected the premise, no, I donít think cutting contact without communicating your intent first is at all rude or immature.

You always have the right to leave a place that is making you uncomfortableóa party, a room, a job, a conversation, a relationship. You do not owe anyone anything when enforcing your own boundary.
I have decided to cut off contact for a few days and clear my head, Iím too emotional right now to make a logical decision. I also want to read more threads! Thank you for your reply!!
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Old 07-29-2020, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by any View Post
Hi everybody!
I recently posted a thread called ďwhat role to play in his lifeĒ well I decided he should not be in my life. The issue I am facing now is how do I remove him without pushing him back from his process and feeling guilty? Itís very hard for me to cut people off because I always feel guilty but honestly I need him out of my life. Iím not healthy. I have to take things to sleep. I have no motivation anymore. He wants me to visit him in rehab but honestly I donít want to. I need to be away from him, all heís done is bring me heartache. Thank you to everybody who responded last time. You all gave me a perspective. I just need advice on how to be mature about this. My end goal is to not have him in my life for awhile, but Iím scared because last time his family was mean to me and for some reason it really hurt. Please let me know if you have any ideas.
Good for you! That is a wise choice. I am all for no contact if I am honest. Clean cut. It's easier in the long run to heal. Good luck!

IC x
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Old 07-31-2020, 11:57 AM
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Any, yes I agree, no contact is the best way to go. When I mentioned about telling him you were cutting contact, I in no way meant you then needed to have a conversation with him (just want to be clear on my intent there).

I think it is polite to let it be known, but then that's it, it's not a conversation : ) - of course you will make your own decisions on that.

There is a book often recommended here - Codependent no more - by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent, but the book has a lot of wise information and it speaks about boundaries.

Your guilt is misplaced I think, that happens a lot! He needs to take care of his own issues and feelings, that's not up to you. I hope you start taking care of yourself and looking out for yourself. It's great you are taking a few days to clear your head, I would suggest taking several weeks (or months)!

You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).


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