Finally ended relationship with depressed and addicted boyfriend
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Join Date: Feb 2020
Posts: 9
Finally ended relationship with depressed and addicted boyfriend
Hello everyone. I have been here a few times before struggling with the same relationship. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to get it all out.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.
Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.
We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.
However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.
I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.
Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.
We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.
However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.
I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it.
Someone once said that when anyone shows you the person they really are...believe them.
He has nothing to bring to any relationship and doesn't care who he hurts along the way.
Now might be a good time to "let go" of the need to be with him, talk to him or keep tabs on how he is doing. Maybe take the time and energy that you are spending on him, and apply it to yourself. Yes it hurts to break free of a toxic relationship, but I promise you that finding your own path will hurt less than staying or pursuing him. You deserve better, I know that, but it's something that you have to realize yourself.
Let go, move on and as this pain subsides, maybe take time to love yourself more. You are worth it.
Someone once said that when anyone shows you the person they really are...believe them.
He has nothing to bring to any relationship and doesn't care who he hurts along the way.
Now might be a good time to "let go" of the need to be with him, talk to him or keep tabs on how he is doing. Maybe take the time and energy that you are spending on him, and apply it to yourself. Yes it hurts to break free of a toxic relationship, but I promise you that finding your own path will hurt less than staying or pursuing him. You deserve better, I know that, but it's something that you have to realize yourself.
Let go, move on and as this pain subsides, maybe take time to love yourself more. You are worth it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by emp4th 
Hello everyone. I have been here a few times before struggling with the same relationship. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to get it all out.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.
Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.
We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.
However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.
I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.
Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.
We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.
However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.
I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
I'm reminded again that a nonaddict can have just as difficult a time pulling away from the addict as the addict has pulling away from his/her drug of choice.
When addicts are caught in the whirlwind of addiction, we can't see which way is up much less distinguish and know our feelings towards other people. What we know is how we feel about our drug, how we feel about going to get it, how we feel when we want it, how we feel when we want it and have some but don't need it - yet, and how we feel about it when we want it and don't have some. That's about all we're able to feel. It's a sad state.
When addicts are caught in the whirlwind of addiction, we can't see which way is up much less distinguish and know our feelings towards other people. What we know is how we feel about our drug, how we feel about going to get it, how we feel when we want it, how we feel when we want it and have some but don't need it - yet, and how we feel about it when we want it and don't have some. That's about all we're able to feel. It's a sad state.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 8
Help I am broken my addict boyfriend has cheated again broke up with moved in drug dealer
Hello all I am responding to the finally ending relationship with depressed and addicted boyfriend. I am new to the forum and have been seeking for weeks a safe place where I can learn more about the addiction and how it impacts loved ones I'm so sorry that you have to go through this I fully understand what you were going through and one of the threads someone mentioned how hard it is to pull away from someone who has an addiction and that's where I'm at I have almost become obsessed with finding information or trying to reach out with no response every once in a while I'll get one or two text that says he loves me our relationship ended on Wednesday when he asked me to come over we were going to plan to move in together but his drug addict friends were there and his drug dealer and they brought all of their stuff as if they were moving in I work from home and I have a good career with coding and I had to sit all day in a bedroom conducting meetings because of the distraction the only thing he thought of was getting high during his breaks lunch he spent the entire lunch break which we would normally eat together as we both work from home talking to the drug dealer's girlfriend I started to suspect something was not right as the drug dealer had left his girlfriend there all day and all night when I first got there he didn't open the door so something was off the whole entire time he said they were going home but around 1 in the morning they were still there he promised I'd go home 3:30 they were still there he then got upset with me and told me I could go home I was not being supportive or empathetic to them the drug dealer's girlfriend is only 30 has five children all of them have been taken from her and she is not allowed to see them or talk to them and I often ask her why she doesn't have a good reason except for she stayed with the drug dealer I don't understand why he would want to sleep with her the state forced her to tie her tubes.he said ifI have no feelings as they are homeless drug dealers very low level it's horrible to watch the painful to try to watch him do the drugs in front of me and I tried to call on him to come to the room so we can talk or watch TV or something he told me to wait and just chose them I tried to invite him to a meeting Friday night, so I can be supportive his mother asked me to try, he just wanted to make sure I went .I had to take out a loan of $500 so you can pay off the drug dealers but I didn't know or realize he was going to buy more drugs w.my he broke up with me Thursday blaming me for digrading because I argued with him about them leaving. he will now not respond to me at all leaving feeling to feel like I did this I created this my fault, he has not paid off his debt as he gets paid every Friday the saddest part is I had to notify his mom that I would no longer be around and how heartbroken I am I had to tell his mom that he has relapsed after being in two separate rehab programs . So he knows program language his parents have quite a bit of money and he relies on them for everything . They will cuttIcutt him off. IdI know what else to do but to sit here patiently but he admitted that he slept with a drug dealer's girlfriend and I believe he did this so that he could push me all the way away from him if anyone has any insight I understand that an addict can't love what I don't get is why he would have me come to his home to watch all of this and then choose the drugs and the drug dealers before me and make me watch it and have them all look at me and laugh. the drug dealers got what they wanted they got a place to stay and finally got me out of the home which they have been working on since April.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
"what I don't get is why he would have me come to his home to watch all of this and then choose the drugs and the drug dealers before me"
He did that because you're not his priority - drugs are.
He did that because you're not his priority - drugs are.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Posts: 8
Help I am broken my addict boyfriend has cheated again broke up with moved in drug dealer
Originally Posted by LumenandNyx
"what I don't get is why he would have me come to his home to watch all of this and then choose the drugs and the drug dealers before me"
He did that because you're not his priority - drugs are.
He did that because you're not his priority - drugs are.
p***enger
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: NYC
Posts: 19,025
Hi empath -- I don't usually visit F&F, but your thread title brought me in. Just to say, I very strongly believe that human beings can be hurt, but never broken. Treat yourself gently, and you *will* recover.
Welcome to the forums, Imisshim01. About your "why" did he do it? Did he want to upset you and cause a breakup?
Addicts always either move into turmoil, or create it. Their addictions feed on pain. There's really not much point trying to understand an addict. Hey, I'm an alcoholic, and I've given up trying to understand my addiction 
All you need to know is that you cannot and must not trust him, not even for an inch.
Welcome to the forums, Imisshim01. About your "why" did he do it? Did he want to upset you and cause a breakup?
Addicts always either move into turmoil, or create it. Their addictions feed on pain. There's really not much point trying to understand an addict. Hey, I'm an alcoholic, and I've given up trying to understand my addiction All you need to know is that you cannot and must not trust him, not even for an inch.Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 23
"The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. "
Your exact words express exactly how I felt. This how I knew my own situation was falling apart... He doesn't have a healthy relationship with himself, he can't have one with you. I wish I could hug you. I know you are strong since you are here expressing your feelings. Anyone who can express their hurt and pain is a strong person. YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE.
If he ever turns around, you might not care anymore or you might but you'll be guarded. GUARD YOUR HEART --- you deserve someone who can talk to you without running away like a little boy. I am in so much pain myself that I'm taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I hope you find peace and don't blame yourself. Please know we are all here for you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Your exact words express exactly how I felt. This how I knew my own situation was falling apart... He doesn't have a healthy relationship with himself, he can't have one with you. I wish I could hug you. I know you are strong since you are here expressing your feelings. Anyone who can express their hurt and pain is a strong person. YOU ARE STRONG AND YOU HAVE PEOPLE WHO CARE.
If he ever turns around, you might not care anymore or you might but you'll be guarded. GUARD YOUR HEART --- you deserve someone who can talk to you without running away like a little boy. I am in so much pain myself that I'm taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I hope you find peace and don't blame yourself. Please know we are all here for you.
If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Posts: 1
Originally Posted by emp4th
Hello everyone. I have been here a few times before struggling with the same relationship. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to get it all out.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.
Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.
We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.
However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.
I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.
Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.
We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.
However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.
I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
I felt like I was reading my story. Except I am a bit older and my (ex) boyfriend is as well. I had on/ off relationship as well with my weed addict /gambling addict boyfriend. It was a rough path for 6 years.. He left me for almost one year to live his life and sleep with others. Eventually begged me for weeks to take him back, because he would marry me he said. Last week on my birthday he told me he was smoking a lot again, send me messages about how he doesnt want to lose me and when I responded he blocked me. I am not dealing well.. Honestly I am even hoping he comes back.
Did you hear anything from your ex since then? If yes, how did you resist the same urge or hope to go back?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,614
Hi carlellie and welcome. Have you asked yourself what you would be going back to? To a person whose priorities are drugs and gambling, over you and probably even over his own well being.
Addictions are hard to understand sometimes, but I hope you will take some time to read around the site, including the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section and the stickies at the top of this section and over there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
The best way to get through is through no contact. Yes, this hurts, but it's worth doing to set yourself free. Don't you deserve better from a partner? Sometimes no contact is hard to do, you may have to break it down to days or even minutes sometimes but you can do it and the longer you do the less it will hurt. Try focusing on yourself as well, take good care of yourself, keep busy with things and other people. Post here at SR.
Also, have you heard of the book Codependent no more? It is the most recommended book here. I'm not saying you are codependent of course, just that there is valuable relationship information in that book.
Addictions are hard to understand sometimes, but I hope you will take some time to read around the site, including the Friends and Family of Alcoholics section and the stickies at the top of this section and over there.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
The best way to get through is through no contact. Yes, this hurts, but it's worth doing to set yourself free. Don't you deserve better from a partner? Sometimes no contact is hard to do, you may have to break it down to days or even minutes sometimes but you can do it and the longer you do the less it will hurt. Try focusing on yourself as well, take good care of yourself, keep busy with things and other people. Post here at SR.
Also, have you heard of the book Codependent no more? It is the most recommended book here. I'm not saying you are codependent of course, just that there is valuable relationship information in that book.
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