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Finally ended relationship with depressed and addicted boyfriend

Old 07-12-2020, 05:30 AM
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Finally ended relationship with depressed and addicted boyfriend

Hello everyone. I have been here a few times before struggling with the same relationship. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to get it all out.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.

Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.

We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.

However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.

I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
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Old 07-12-2020, 07:25 AM
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I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it.


Someone once said that when anyone shows you the person they really are...believe them.

He has nothing to bring to any relationship and doesn't care who he hurts along the way.

Now might be a good time to "let go" of the need to be with him, talk to him or keep tabs on how he is doing. Maybe take the time and energy that you are spending on him, and apply it to yourself. Yes it hurts to break free of a toxic relationship, but I promise you that finding your own path will hurt less than staying or pursuing him. You deserve better, I know that, but it's something that you have to realize yourself.

Let go, move on and as this pain subsides, maybe take time to love yourself more. You are worth it.
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Old 07-23-2020, 01:41 PM
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Originally Posted by emp4th View Post
Hello everyone. I have been here a few times before struggling with the same relationship. I'm sorry for the long post but I needed to get it all out.

I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year. I am 23 and he is 27. He lives about a 5 hour train journey from me so I have not seen him since March. During that time he has had many relapses with his gambling and weed addiction. I have stuck by him through all this, even when it meant I was getting very badly hurt and pushed away. I can't even count how many times he has broken up with me during discussions about our relationship and his addiction problems. Each time he has come back apologising and promising to get help.

Due to the lockdown, I have not seen him since March. The last time I saw him, he broke up with me because I tried to discuss our relationship with him. He smokes a lot, spends almost all of his time with his friends, plays on his Xbox constantly and generally has not given me a lot of time during the especially bad times in our relationship. He struggles with depression and anxiety, has low self-worth and had an extremely difficult and traumatising childhood. He had been living at home with his mum and brother, but has been living with his friend for about 6 months, which we both knew would be very unhealthy as all of his friends smoke and gamble and this would obviously exacerbate his problems. He also lost his job just before lockdown.

We got back together during lockdown and had been talking consistently throughout the day. Everything seemed fine. Then one day I asked if he would like to talk on the phone (we very rarely do this) and shortly afterwards he told me he was struggling with anxiety and needed the weekend to get his head together - meaning he wouldn't be talking to me. I understood completely having struggled with anxiety for many years. However, this weekend break turned into a month of him not contacting me. I managed to get a few messages out of him when I became panicked and asked if this was the end and what was going on with him. He contacted me briefly last week to say he was moving in with his brother as his family were very worried about him and he felt this was a positive step and that he hoped to be feeling better soon. I eventually managed to get him on the phone a few days ago and he explained to me what had happened. It turns out that he was spending lots of time with his friends and them talking about how much money they had whilst on furlough had made him feel depressed and he stopped going out with them, sitting in his room not eating, smoking weed all the time and playing video games. He completely let go of himself and his personal hygeine. He told me his anxiety and depression was so bad he felt he couldn't talk to me on the phone and was barely speaking to anyone at all. This didn't surprise me as he has had periods of time like this before, eventually having a complete breakdown when he can't handle it anymore. He apologised a lot for putting me through the uncertainty, told me he wanted to be with me and even talked about planning a holiday. He said he would start talking to me again and has done. He also said he had stopped smoking weed and was looking for jobs, has been out to play cricket which he hasn't done for months and went out to play golf with his friends.

However, this morning I became very anxious. He is not forthcoming about his feelings whatsoever and the fact we haven't seen each other in so long had me doubting his love for me and his commitment to our relationship. He very rarely tells me he loves me and is not really very romantic over text at all, and its incredibly difficult to get him on the phone and feel any sort of security. I asked him if he would mind calling me for 5 minutes so I could get a little reassurance. I told him I was struggling with the distance and that I just wanted to know if he loved me and still wanted to be with me. He could not give me any reassurance whatsoever, asking me why I was doing this now. I said "so do you not love me anymore?" and he responded that he didn't know, and eventually said that no he didn't. I told him I guessed that was it and hung up the phone and blocked him immediately. I should also probably add that he got very drunk last night and so was hungover this morning when I asked to speak to him.

I guess I'm just looking for some kind of reassurance here as well. I'm finding it extremely difficult to process that he doesn't love me anymore. I can accept that we are not together anymore; it has been very unhealthy and has broken me many times, but he told me just a few days ago that he wanted to be with me and wanted to plan a holiday. He has done this sort of thing before - in the past if I have questioned him about our relationship or his state of mind or addictions, he tells me to go home and that he doesn't want to be with me. He explains afterwards it's because he becomes overwhelmed and will do anything he can to not have to deal with it. I realise this is a bad situation and the best thing for me is to move on with my life and blocking him is the first step as I have never done that before. I don't plan to get back together with him - after all he told me he didn't love me. I guess I'm just wondering if it's possible he said this due to his addiction and depression, and didn't really mean it, just wanting to get rid of me because the situation was causing him stress. I can handle the fact that we are perhaps not good for each other at the moment, but accepting that he doesn't love me at all is really difficult. Thank you so much for reading. I would really appreciate any words of comfort, as my family are done with the situation having seen me get my heart broken by this man so many times.
honestly, this man seems very selfish. If I were you see this as a blessing. Time heals all wounds. He could have said this because of his addiction and depression, but at the end of the day he should never say he doesnít love you. You probably did everything for him and he just took advantage of you. Youíll find somebody that treats you how you deserve to be treated, until then donít settle. I think he does love you, but he canít keep playing with your emotions. If you want my opinion, donít plan that vacation itís just going to hurt you even more in the end. Until he gets his stuff together, walk away. Block him and move on. I know thatís easier said than done(trust me I know). Itís just something to think about. I know this is a long response so Iíll wrap it up. Leave him and donít look back. Heal and love yourself to the point where you never settle again. You seem like a caring amazing person who got taken for granted. Sending love your way. Feel free to message me if you need to rant.
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Old 07-23-2020, 03:25 PM
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I'm reminded again that a nonaddict can have just as difficult a time pulling away from the addict as the addict has pulling away from his/her drug of choice.

When addicts are caught in the whirlwind of addiction, we can't see which way is up much less distinguish and know our feelings towards other people. What we know is how we feel about our drug, how we feel about going to get it, how we feel when we want it, how we feel when we want it and have some but don't need it - yet, and how we feel about it when we want it and don't have some. That's about all we're able to feel. It's a sad state.
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Old 07-26-2020, 07:43 AM
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Help I am broken my addict boyfriend has cheated again broke up with moved in drug dealer

Hello all I am responding to the finally ending relationship with depressed and addicted boyfriend. I am new to the forum and have been seeking for weeks a safe place where I can learn more about the addiction and how it impacts loved ones I'm so sorry that you have to go through this I fully understand what you were going through and one of the threads someone mentioned how hard it is to pull away from someone who has an addiction and that's where I'm at I have almost become obsessed with finding information or trying to reach out with no response every once in a while I'll get one or two text that says he loves me our relationship ended on Wednesday when he asked me to come over we were going to plan to move in together but his drug addict friends were there and his drug dealer and they brought all of their stuff as if they were moving in I work from home and I have a good career with coding and I had to sit all day in a bedroom conducting meetings because of the distraction the only thing he thought of was getting high during his breaks lunch he spent the entire lunch break which we would normally eat together as we both work from home talking to the drug dealer's girlfriend I started to suspect something was not right as the drug dealer had left his girlfriend there all day and all night when I first got there he didn't open the door so something was off the whole entire time he said they were going home but around 1 in the morning they were still there he promised I'd go home 3:30 they were still there he then got upset with me and told me I could go home I was not being supportive or empathetic to them the drug dealer's girlfriend is only 30 has five children all of them have been taken from her and she is not allowed to see them or talk to them and I often ask her why she doesn't have a good reason except for she stayed with the drug dealer I don't understand why he would want to sleep with her the state forced her to tie her tubes.he said ifI have no feelings as they are homeless drug dealers very low level it's horrible to watch the painful to try to watch him do the drugs in front of me and I tried to call on him to come to the room so we can talk or watch TV or something he told me to wait and just chose them I tried to invite him to a meeting Friday night, so I can be supportive his mother asked me to try, he just wanted to make sure I went .I had to take out a loan of $500 so you can pay off the drug dealers but I didn't know or realize he was going to buy more drugs w.my he broke up with me Thursday blaming me for digrading because I argued with him about them leaving. he will now not respond to me at all leaving feeling to feel like I did this I created this my fault, he has not paid off his debt as he gets paid every Friday the saddest part is I had to notify his mom that I would no longer be around and how heartbroken I am I had to tell his mom that he has relapsed after being in two separate rehab programs . So he knows program language his parents have quite a bit of money and he relies on them for everything . They will cuttIcutt him off. IdI know what else to do but to sit here patiently but he admitted that he slept with a drug dealer's girlfriend and I believe he did this so that he could push me all the way away from him if anyone has any insight I understand that an addict can't love what I don't get is why he would have me come to his home to watch all of this and then choose the drugs and the drug dealers before me and make me watch it and have them all look at me and laugh. the drug dealers got what they wanted they got a place to stay and finally got me out of the home which they have been working on since April.
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Old 07-26-2020, 09:07 AM
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"what I don't get is why he would have me come to his home to watch all of this and then choose the drugs and the drug dealers before me"

He did that because you're not his priority - drugs are.
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Old 07-26-2020, 11:56 AM
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Help I am broken my addict boyfriend has cheated again broke up with moved in drug dealer

Originally Posted by LumenandNyx View Post
"what I don't get is why he would have me come to his home to watch all of this and then choose the drugs and the drug dealers before me"

He did that because you're not his priority - drugs are.
That hurts even more, I still have a hard time understanding having come over. It seems it was on purpose so I would get upset then he could break up with me.
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Old 07-29-2020, 06:52 PM
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Hi empath -- I don't usually visit F&F, but your thread title brought me in. Just to say, I very strongly believe that human beings can be hurt, but never broken. Treat yourself gently, and you *will* recover.

Welcome to the forums, Imisshim01. About your "why" did he do it? Did he want to upset you and cause a breakup? Addicts always either move into turmoil, or create it. Their addictions feed on pain. There's really not much point trying to understand an addict. Hey, I'm an alcoholic, and I've given up trying to understand my addiction All you need to know is that you cannot and must not trust him, not even for an inch.
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Old 07-29-2020, 09:31 PM
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You are young. Be glad it is over, learn from it and move on with a peaceful mind and heart.
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