Addict pull and push
 

Hello to everyone in this forum!
I'm gonna need a little time to tell my story, i'm sorry if i get into details but i'm at a point that i can't understand ANYTHING although i KNOW everything.
I met a beatiful guy (38yo), i am also at this age and he was the BEST, i mean the best and more carring and tender guy i've met for many years in my life.. The only thing that made me feel like "something is weird" is that from the start of the relationship he wanted to be with me all the time. But i thought "ok the just likes me as i like him". He always asked me to come over his place, sleeping there for days, we had a great time. Everything was ok!
He didn't had a job at that time, he was planning to start a "music career as a dj" and i thought that this is his dream, he should follow it. I was supported. The problem was that he was smoking weed ALL day. I mean, ALL day, like it was just ciggarettes you know? From the moment he woke up, then staying awake all night doing the same thing. His friends was the same. They all had that "habbit". I dont smoke, i dont do drugs. He was really happy with me and i could see that. He never left his house, we didn't go for a coffee or just A WALK all this time..
After 2 months i asked him to go for a coffee and THEN was a sudden chance in him "pushing me away" for no reason at all and i accepted that..After 2 days he came back to me saying he is sorry and when i asked him "what is wrong?" he replied by saying "it's nothing, it's stuff in my head that make me do stupid things"...
Time goes by, the scenario is the same..Same routine, the weed problem, the depression, me trying to cheer him up, to be supportive..At some point, i started taking care of this house, meaning going to super market, buying food and things that was missing for him, buing medicines for him to have, giving him money (he never asked but i was "like he is asking"). He wasn't looking for job either ...All he did was chilling with his "friends" at his house when i wasn't there and chilling with me when i was there..
Two months after that he asks for space ONCE again saying "it's not you it's me" i said ok, i wasn't bothered him but he was disappeared for 2 weeks again and then he starts liking my instagram posts (20++ likes in a row).. I was confused and i called him..He said he is sorry about his behavior so we went back 2gether..I'm on therapy btw, and my therapist told me (months before that happened) that he is an addict. I didn't believed it because i only saw "weed use" on daily basis and i didn't think that was so bad..She explained to me that "he is not using only weed..people that does weed do not act like that, they can be fuctional, he is using other substances and he is doing that years before he met you and the only way for that is rehab"
My best friend told me the same. That he is a junkie. He WAS a junkie before he met me. I didn't believe any of them...i thought, "i would have seen something at least!" so we wen't back together...
After two months .. the story repeats.. He was out of space, leaving the same routine and saying stuff that didn't seem to make ANY sense for an adult..i started to think "what am i doing with my life here..he is not changing a thing...". So at that day, he game me a call saying "he has to go for a walk with "a friend" and he will call me after that".. I told him , "i cant do this anymore, i have needs too, please give me time at least to say goodbye.." and he just hang up his phone...i know he was meeting with a dealer i guess...and i was left like this...
After 3 weeks she started liking my stuff on social media, i didn't pay attention to anyting, i just couldn't understand why he's doing that...So one day, after a month...he send me a msg saying he misses me, that he wanted to send me a msg many times blah blah" and i responded... And then... he accepted his fault, saying i was the best thing that happened to him, that he lost me because of this "head" that he wants to try it over etc etc...and i was THERE to listen and belived him.
And here comes the funny part... FOR NO REASON, once again he disappeared, i send him a msg saying "are you ok? can i call you" and he replied "i dont want to talk today so no." and i was like" ok but something must be happend for feeling this way..what is it?" and i called me, he was aggressive.. screaming "I CAN'T BE IN A RELATIONSHIP IS OVER" and i was like...wtf? i was in your house just yesterday and everything was okay....... and he said "i must hang up, im going for a walk "with this guy-his friend" and i will call you later!!!!" He never did....
I msg him politely the next morning saying i did nothing wrong, i was there for him for all this time, and if he's feeling better i would like to talk like we always have..." No response...I posted a photo of me 4days later and he pressed "heart reaction" but besides that its been 1 week complete silence..like the other times...Everyone believes he is using stuff that i'm not aware of... that he WILL come back again because he is SICK. And i am devastated because i can't belive anything anymore. The only thing i believe is that i am a faillure...I was there for him the whole time...and he treats me like that...i don't think he is coming back, i do not know what i did to him to treat me this way....

Any comment will be helpful....
Thank you for your time...


We went back toth

He didn't had a job at that time, he was planning to start a "music career as a dj" and i thought that this is his dream, he should follow it. I was supported. The problem was that he was smoking weed ALL day. I mean, ALL day, like it was just ciggarettes you know? From the moment he woke up, then staying awake all night doing the same thing. His friends was the same. They all had that "habbit". I dont smoke, i dont do drugs. He was really happy with me and i could see that. He never left his house, we didn't go for a coffee or just A WALK all this time..
After 2 months i asked him to go for a coffee and THEN was a sudden chance in him "pushing me away" for no reason at all and i accepted that..After 2 days he came back to me saying he is sorry and when i asked him "what is wrong?" he replied by saying "it's nothing, it's stuff in my head that make me do stupid things"...

As I read your post, I can see how infatuated you are with this man, but the details send up red flags that this relationship will be all about him and nothing about you. If he smokes pot all day every day, it's a pretty good assumption that he is addicted and that will remain his first priority, no matter how much you care for him or try to "help" him do something he doesn't want to do.

What if you took some time for yourself, a week or two with no contact with him and a chance for you to catch your breath and think about why you are dedicating your life to someone who has nothing to offer to the relationship. You deserve better.

Keep reading around here and maybe you will connect with something that helps you reach out and find help for yourself. CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon are three similar fellowships that have helped many here, as well as counseling, church support, family support and of course, SoberRecovery here.

Good luck dear. That may not be what you wanted to hear but there is no "fix" for anyone except ourselves.

I believe it's called cut and run. Addicts do this. I dealt with it longer than i care to admit and every time I make peace with it, he resurfaces in some way. Active addiction and recovery are two of the most selfish states to live in.

Please cut your losses while you can. It is too soon in the relationship to experience all of this drama. And why would you want to be with someone who won't take you out, not even for a walk? My addict didn't take me out either, he was too paranoid and shameful, plus at home he could sneak off to the bathroom a do a bump. It's a really awful disease that takes lots of hard work to improve upon and from what I've seen, some addicts aren't willing to do what it takes to get well. Nothing will change, this man will keep you in this cycle as long as you allow it. I'm sorry, it really sucks, but you deserve better.

Thank you for your answer, it really soothes my heart..My therapist made it clear to me that he IS addicted, that this is classic behavior (on/off)due to addiction, but i wanted to give it a shot...(actually more than one time..) I don't do drugs i do not know how this kind of people act..The mistake i'm making is that i'm trying to give an answer that makes sense. I suppose is hard to accept the fact that i chose this guy..It's all self blame and guild trips right now..Everyone says he will come back and i do not want to face him again..And it's weird cause i'm a strong person but he always wears his sweet face and then i give in..You can't imagine, it's like there are two of them! The confusion hurts the most, not his absence..Actually, he wasn't present the whole time..i was alone in this "relationship".

Same, I've never done drugs and live a very clean life. Somehow, I made it about me and took it personally. I thought I was the reason he behaved the way he did or if I stuck around through all of his rehabilitation programs, he'd somehow see how great I was.

1. You cant love anyone through their demons/problems/addictions. The addict has to want to get well.
2. At some point I realized, I was addicted to his sick selfish behavior. He'd ghost me the day after he told me he loved me and I would wait by the phone, not living my life. But you see, that on me, that is my own codependent sick behavior. His sickness was making me sick! So I released him in love. I love him and i want him well, but i wont allow him to hurt me any longer while hes figuring it out.
3. It is the sickest game and addicts are so selfish, they literally don't have the capacity to care about anything but chase their next high.
Read around on this forum, so many people experience the same exact behaviors.

Work on you. I started running five miles a day, i spent time with friends, read books etc. You see, no one is responsible for our happiness, but us. Sounds like he has a long road ahead and you don't want to drug down that slippery slope.

I learned something new!
 

I learned something new... what triggers this 'cut and run' behavior? Is it guilt???

Thank you
 

Wow, thank you for saying this, too! I was blinded and I mentioned that a few times "why don't we ever go on dates like we used to? but you can go help a 'friend' in the middle of the night?" Now I understand it wasn't just me being naggy... I thought I was being too entitled and demanding...

Thank you
 

My ex-love was ALSO into the rave/concert scene and also into being around DJs or whatever. I thought that was a past-time but as soon as he broke up with me, he went right back into the rave/concert scene. I'm sure he wants to distract his own pain. I didn't want to assume people who go to raves.concerts all did drugs... isn't that stereotyping?

I feel the same, I have rationalized that he is not a terrible guy. He is not in a healthy relationship with himself anyway so it was never about me. But how can we not take it personally when we were there loving and being kind, trying to help and be present, all the while being forgiving. I was in a relationship 'alone' with a shell of a man. It changed so drastically, I thought it was my fault. That I was naggy, clingy, controlling... I just wanted to know when we could spend time together--gosh, everything was on his timeline and I was the one working 2-3 jobs, finishing up my master's, volunteering, preparing my application to medical school and going to the gym! I have never been around anyone who did drugs and I wouldn't know what behaviors were drug-based. It's was all a mystery to me.... now I'm a bit more educated and maybe I have been around drug addicts but never knew? I didn't hang out with people like that due to the drama and violence-prone environment.

I thought it was all my fault as well.. what was I doing that he rather spend so much time for his friends (more and more kept appearing out of nowhere,we've been together for years, and I didn't know any of these people but I rationalized it saying he was a friendly guy who always wanted to help people) instead of us?. I was in denial because why would I choose someone who treated me like a piece of s***? He wasn't like this before! I don't know how everything changed so drastically...

Don't guilt-trip or as least for not as long as I have :sadwavey: it's been almost a year and after some self-reflection, I understand now that the very same characteristics I was raised and prided myself on (e.g. my social worker personality of being open-minded, wanting to help, and trying to be compassionate) just fueled a co-dependent behavior within the relationship. I'm still trying to understand how co-dependency can work in a relationship---what are the boundaries of when to not bother or when to back-off? At what point do you stop helping someone and let him or her surrender into the bed they made for themselves???

You were falling deeply in love or at least you really started to have strong feelings and cared for him and you wanted to build a future... please breathe and know we're here for you. I understand your pain, it's a betrayal that you just have to accept. Maybe you see glimpses of an amazing man, but he needs to get his priorities straight if he ever wants to settle down.

Being in love with an addict.... means having a relationship by a parasite but most often, you're in a relationship alone. He's there but he doesn't have enough room for you, to meet your needs, and to nourish and be present like a partner needs to be. It really is easy to say 'self-care' yourself and actually doing it, especially when you're in the deep emotions of heartache. Heal in your own way, try not to let it take over your self-worth. That's what it did to me...

(hugs)

Even if my ex were to change and be drug-free, I'm a bit hesitant to start a family with someone who may relapse or have children more prone to addiction as well. But it's a mixed bag of nuts...

Honey,

aside from the drugs, this is a guy who is just messing you around. I do not believe his feelings are genuine and I feel he is liking your posts to keep you hanging on for if he wants/needs you. I know this is hurtful to think, but he is showing you serious disrespect and it's clear to see from an outsiders view what is going on.

I think sometimes we meet people and it is great. We get to know them more and something just isn't clicking. Normal people would talk about it but some people are cowardly and it shows up as behaviour like this.

Users tend to have the trait of being immature. 38 and sitting around smoking all day? You can't have an adult relationship with this man child, he isn't mentally capable. I think the attraction we have to these people is the awe of them being youthful, it helps us feel young again and it is very attractive. However, we are as old as we are and in the long term crave a relationship appropriate to our development, as they do, which they won't find in us. It is said their mental development is halted at the age they became addicted, has he been smoking since 18? You have a 38 year old man with the mind of an 18 year old boy for example..

I hope this makes sense and I advise to not take his behaviour personally, just remember it is a symptom of an underdeveloped mind. Take his pushing and pulling as an indicator of narcissism, which is an all too common trait of drug abuse.

It stings, it burns, it hurts. It wont change. Rise above it and look for a relationship with someone who is mentally capable of giving you what you need.

IC x

Yeah i thought about narcissism, i had experienced the abuse in the past in another relationship and i see similar patterns here but i believe it is addiction and undeveloped brain.
Trust me, i KNOW what narcissistic abuse is.
Anyways, i'm feeling that it doesn't really matter what the hell it is.The real issue here is that he is hurting me too much and it's time to accept that I AM NOT responsible for his behavior.
I'm staying away and trying to heal
I'm a survivor i know i will make it in the end


**Hugs**
XX

[QUOTThe only thing i believe is that i am a faillure...I was there for him the whole time...and he treats me like that...i don't think he is coming back, i do not know what i did to him to treat me this way....

Any comment will be helpful....
Thank you for your time...


We went back toth[/QUOTE]
i just want to say YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! I don’t want to give you hope he is coming back, but he honestly probably will. That doesn’t mean you should take him back. If you want my advice, hit that block button. It will be so hard, if you do it surrounded yourself with happy things and people. If you don’t have a lot of supportive people around you, branch out! Find something you love doing. Never be alone the first week or two. See how you feel, I bet you’re feel relieved. Nothing you could’ve done, would’ve stopped him from treating you like that. People take advantage of nice people sometimes and it hurts. Sometimes I noticed if I get mad and not sad I’ll see the hurt they’ve caused me and I’ll know my worth. Write a list on why you’re upset and reasons to not go back. Just know you are a wonderful person and he’s just not the one for you. If he wants space, fine. Take time for yourself, learn to be independent. You’re a strong women!! But also know it’s okay to be like wow I miss him, I love him. That’s normal! The way he is treating you is not fair to you. Use this time for you and making yourself stronger so you never settle again. Turn this as positive as you can... instead of “I’m a failure” think “wow he missed out on a diamond, his lose I don’t need him” he’s taking advantage of your loyalty and compassion for him. I honestly think he will come back, the question is should you let him? disclaimer: this is just advice!! I’m not trying to tell you what to do or how to feel!
I hope this helped :) you are strong!! You will get through this.

...yesterday i woke up, checked my phone and i saw about ~25 heart reactions to my posts on fb. He is back. I'm doing nothing just ignoring.
The same circle of addiction.
His brain is baked. There is NO brain in there actually.
But i got one.

Good on you, just be careful not to slip in to the same trap when he ups his manipulation in response to your indifference. Stay strong and remember you deserve more :-)

Everyone says that, that he will try harder with manipulation and he will eventually will send me something, or he will spam me with msgs, that his personality is the problem here, plus the drugs. That i am the one that has to go because he will never be able to leave me. He will continue the same circle again and again. God bless my therapist and my brain that has done all the work and now i can understand things.
This is not LOVE. This is "I NEED YOU" and i do not want ANYONE to NEED me,or me to NEED him.
And also i would stay if he wanted support with detox/rehab or something like that. But he just prefers to hide things from me and that means that is not willing to change ****.

*Update*
There is this "spamming reactions" to everything i'm posting, for so many days it's like he is obsessed. He send me a msg to see if i am okay, i answered i was good and he told me (after 1- 2 months of getting a job ) that he got pains in his back and he is in bed with pills ect for days so i wished him to get better soon. I don't trust him though. I can't view his actions so pure towards me. I bet he wont go to work anymore so he needs me. OR he WILL need me in the future so he is planning a come back.(financial issues, emotional stability, me taking care of him etc etc) I don't think he was worried about my health asking how am i doing. I don't think he is SO nice without a reason. And the reason always benefits him. I really need to hold on and not let my head thinks the "good side" of him, or that he is changed or that he loves me.
I don't want to think that he wants to be just friends. I already did that the previous time and it wasn't that. There was me and him get back together for a short time and then AGAIN he backs off.
Anyway, i really need to feel less alone in this.
Srsly i trully believe i did not cause any of this. It should not affect me but i've got some days that i just HAVE to remind myself who he is so i don't fall again.