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VENT: Is my self-blame normal??? (crystal meth ex-fiancee)

Old 07-12-2020, 12:17 AM
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Question VENT: Is my self-blame normal??? (crystal meth ex-fiancee)

VENT: Is my self-blame normal??? (crystal meth fiancee)

I'm not so full of anger at him now. I have read enough forum posts to know that even if I want to hate him for lying to me for 2 or so years, he was/still is also lying to himself, and that's a different beast of HURT altogether. He convinced me a few times that he was over it, that him smoking crystal meth was just a curiosity phase and he's "not that guy anymore." This was reflected in his desire to own a business and his shared desire of us moving up in our careers together and starting a family. Is this part of the grandiose side-effect of crystal meth? Or could it be that he was genuinely feeling ambitious?

Either way, I didn't know what being gaslighted meant. I told myself that I must have such low self-esteem that my insecurities fueled my already-existing anxiety (which then fueled my already-existing depression) and it was affecting our relationship. So what did I do? I tried to bite my tongue; I tried to stop making it a big deal that his weight was fluctuating and that his sleep problems were due to work stress because you know... he lost his jobs due to work performance so he may have PTSD and I rationalized his unkempt hair and scattered thoughts due to stress because I’m definitely like that at times as well. Again, I don’t like to judge right away and at this time I was still in denial that the love of my life was capable of having a secret life full of drugs, strangers he called "friends," and whatever else I don't even know.

I still don't know how so many years can be dissolved so effortlessly between one sober/non-sober couple and yet other sober/non-sober couples can overcome this obstacle. I’m full of envy because I know I chose well. Well enough to know he has a good heart, but sometimes I question, did I ever really know him? Or is this crystal meth situation clouding my own belief that he wasn’t a good person in the first place? I’m pretty certain that the man I fell in love with was present in the beginning, but now this drug changed him. And I can’t save someone, he should save himself. I know that now, this is my point…hell, I'm trying to save MYSELF.

It hurts, the profound feelings of self-blame is overwhelming. After all, I didn't exactly react to being gas-lighted in a graceful way --- I constantly nagged, became a detective in his phone, and I didn't understand why he couldn't see my pain from his actions just like I couldn't see his pain from my reactions. I also chased after him whenever he wanted to walk away or drive away because I either didn't respect his need for space or I just impatiently wanted to address our problems by talking it out. Every time he walked away, I didn't understand why. My past relationship never had such difficulty with communication then again my last relationship didn't involve drugs...

Either way, I didn't know what being gaslighted meant. I kept feeling like I must have such low self-esteem that my insecurities fueled my already-existing anxiety (which then fueled my already-existing depression) and it was affecting our relationship. His anger and short-tempers may have been drug-fueled but it must be me as well, too. So I did take part of the blame. I still do. I felt clingy because he didn’t seem to want to see me AS MUCH AS I WANTED TO SEE HIM! We didn’t live together so seeing once a week was all we could get. Yet we weren’t seeing each other anymore. And it was always me initiating seeing each other… Obviously, we weren't communicating effectively, if at all. So I wanted to see a couple's counselor to seek out what the underlying issues were or how to address the personality clashes that were preventing us from moving forward from the secrets, the betrayal, and the resentment.

But how can that happen when it's a one-way effort? I didn't understand and don't understand how crystal meth became an option to dabble with.... !

My whole point is…
With a ‘fixer’ personality, is it normal to have this much self-blame in the demise of our relationship or any relationship involving a user/non-user?

I wasn’t trying to be a ‘fixer’ on purpose. I’m a caretaker of my relatives and my little sister (were 16 years apart). My caretaker responsibilities bleed into my daily routine involuntarily and when I saw him stressed out, I tried to provide resources to overcome these problems (which NOW I KNOW enabled him). In a way, I guess you can say I have a social-worker personality. I don’t necessarily think I can ‘FIX’ people, but I do like pointing out their resources to help solve their own problems. I also don’t like to blame or accuse based on gut feelings, I don’t want to be judgmental. This is how I practice being compassionate and open-minded. I guess this is why I’m naive… and in denial of any substance abuse.

I don’t know how to separate co-dependency from a relationship stand-point. After all, doesn’t a normal and healthy relationship mean each partner is there for each other? If not, how does a normal and healthy relationship approach a problem where a spouse has lost a job or is suffering from depression? Does that mean you should let the car get repossessed or get evicted (even if both your names are both on the loan and lease)? Does that mean you shouldn’t find doctors in the area to help him or her address the depression? Does co-dependency in a marriage exist? If so, what are healthy boundaries?

I know I am drowning in my bad habit of ruminating but I want to heal and I keep thinking if I didn't have such an explosive reaction to his gas-lighting, maybe the relationship didn't have to end or at least end the way it did. I mean, what is a healthy reaction to be gas-lighted? Just biting your tongue and walking out the room? I mean I'm not perfect! And I understand no one wants to be with someone naggy... someone who fills you up with guilt or shame. I feel like I learned this innately through my mother so I'm trying to not do that. I feel like my reactions were fueling our arguments and that's why our relationship turned toxic in addiction to his secret crystal meth addiction. I just feel like a terrible person and I always thrived on being a compassionate person.

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Old 07-12-2020, 07:32 AM
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You are not a terrible person, gas lighting can be quite mind crushing and as you find your own way you will realize that it was always "about him and his bad behaviour. As long as he can make you feel like the bad guy, he gets to not take any responsibility for his poor choices and actions.

There is a book by Melody Beattie called "Codependent No More". It is the best book I ever read about explaining clearly why we do the things we do and why we allow ourselves to be so affected by what "they" do. It's well worth the read. Also, meetings like CoDA, Al-anon and Nar-anon have helped many here,. including me. Maybe do yourself a huge favour and find one in your area and go.

Only he can change the way he is and it doesn't look like he is ready to change any time soon.

But YOU can change how you live, you can decidewhat is acceptable in your life and what is not and you do not need anyone's approval. You deserve a happy healthy relationship and this just isn't it.

Good luck.
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Old 07-12-2020, 04:15 PM
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You are so kind---this co-dependent behavior of mine guilt-trips me into being the trigger, that I wasn't compassionate in my approach. I am so happy there are many people that can relate. I need to search this website more to see if there are CoDA online or Nar-Anon online meetings here.

This quarantine makes me get into my feelings too much. Especially with all these wedding/pregnancy announcements, I guess I'm feeling a bit jealous that this is where I was hoping to be after spending so many years together and making all these plans. My dream bubble is gone...

I guess these personality changes may be permanent, that's what hurts me as well. That he is the walking dead... his beautiful soul has been sent away while a parasitic entity damages and destroys everything in his path. None of our mutual friends or his family want to do anything about it. They all think I'm psycho and demanding, all I wanted was to spend time with him not seem controlling.

I feel fooled as I let myself down that I chose someone who was capable of being so selfish but again, I know I know.. it's a disease. But it angers me that that's an excuse because thinking of it as a disease makes me feel like that person will never take accountability because they are just succumbing to something they can't help (like cancer).

But you know what... I will read that book. I know there is also 'the language of letting go' that I've been hearing about, too!
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Old 07-13-2020, 11:15 AM
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Language of Letting Go is by the same author, Melody Beattie, and yes, it's a wonderful book filled with things we all can related to.

Some of this in free daily meditations on line. Click the link and read a little and see if she doesn't touch your heart as much as she touched many of ours.

https://melodybeattie.com/category/daily-meditations/
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Old 07-13-2020, 04:09 PM
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Thank you
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