I'm Finally There? But Will It End Peacefully?

Old 05-06-2020, 01:38 PM
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I'm Finally There? But Will It End Peacefully?

My husband has been using crack cocaine and alcohol for as long as I have been with him. That would be approximately 30 years, since I was 17 yrs. old. I have been through so much it's unbelievable when I think back. The things stolen, the lies, the money, the promises and constant cycle. I lived my life enabling and trying to "fix" everything. Yes, we broke up a few times, but never for more than a month or two. Our 2 sons were raised in this, watching my anxiety and how I always tried to stay 1 step ahead of my husband. I guess I just accepted that this was how it would be. Listening to his promises that "this" time he was so sorry and going to try harder. Whenever I tried to talk about this he was a master manipulator and would twist everything. And everything was always my fault, never his. Maybe if we focus on going to church, maybe if I manage the money, maybe if I hold his bankcard. He always had an answer for another chance.

Then two years ago, tragedy struck my life. My grandbaby was seriously ill and passed away. There is a lot of drama surrounding this situation that is still not resolved. I still remember him giving me a hard time because I spent so much time at the hospital and when she was released I would bring her home on the weekends. I still hold blame that the weekend she passed she should have been at my home but he complained about me always having her over and I didn't go get her. He used her death as an excuse to borrow money but only got high with it. The night after her memorial service, he left me at home and got high.

Things got much worse and I started to break down. I was medicated just to get through the day. People started showing up at the house demanding money that was owed to them. He was renting his car out for days, giving me money then calling all hours of the night demanding it back. I was living in Hell.

Slowly, with therapy, I began to heal. My husband ended up in rehab about 3 times during this time. I was so tired and something had clicked. My feelings have changed and I just didn't want to deal with this anymore.

Here I am today, still trying to get this man to understand that I believe this is over. Before the pandemic I had told him I just don't feel anything anymore and felt we were over. He begged and said that he was going to show me and manipulated my words and went to rehab with the agreement that we would see where it goes. Why did I do that? I know my feelings aren't changing. It's just he doesn't want to hear me. He literally just got back from Rehab the end of April and he relapsed, or as he says 'slipped' one week home. And here we go with the same words again.

Now he's upset with me because I am not encouraging and motivating him. The small fire that he had, I squashed it, that is what he said. Constantly he is saying if I read and become educated, I would understand how to deal with him and what not to do. He is constantly talking about communication but I can't. How his relapse became my fault, it's crazy.

I'm a little stressed because I don't feel he is ever going to leave quietly. And I feel that he's going to go down a dark path again once he realizes that I am not going to continue this cycle. I have gotten this far mentally and am making him accountable. How do I take that final step and cut the ties permanently??

Last edited by Lina30x; 05-06-2020 at 01:41 PM. Reason: forgot a sentence
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Old 05-07-2020, 03:37 PM
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he won't GET it. save your breath to cool your soup, as the old saying goes. you are not dealing with a person in their right mind (former crack addict here, among other things!) and the more cornered or pushed he feels, the more likelihood there is that he will get volatile and dangerous. ***i suggest your ratchet down the "talk" - especially anything about ending things. don't poke the bear. but do get your ducks in order. consider where you might go if you NEED to leave urgently while being safe. get some legal advice, but keep it to yourself.***what you do NOT want to do is hand the guy holding the gun any more bullets.
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Old 05-07-2020, 03:59 PM
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Anvil said it well. You have waited 30 years for HIM to change and he didn't. It's time for you to think of your future and find help and support for yourself. Counseling, meetings of Al-anon, Nar-anon , CoDA or church family support groups could help you. You don't have to do this alone.

Keeping you in my prayers.

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Old 05-09-2020, 05:58 AM
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Thank you guys. Sure enough, he cornered me into a conversation. He asked me if I thought it would be best for him to just find somewhere else to stay. When I entertained the conversation, he started to panic, breathe rapidly and tell me that it was just a slip and to give him time to show me. That his last stay at rehab really showed him new things. When I asked him why did he even bring it up then, he answered that it was just an icebreaker because he sensed that I something wasn't right. He became very desperate and almost begging. Just let him show me and once again I explained that I really don't think there is anything left to this relationship. He didn't hear it, just kept saying just watch. It gave me such anxiety that I ended up just saying fine just to get him to stop. He swears if anything else happens he will leave with no questions asked. I hate to say this but I would rather he do some big screw up so that i can tell him to go. It would be better to do this on better terms but he just isn't hearing it. I know i am partly to blame for enabling the behavior for years. He has no ability to care of things on his own. I have always bailed him out. we are in new territory right now because I have stopped. So it is unnerving him with how to handle me. But, nothing changes if nothing changes, right? And another day begins.
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