Between a Rock and a Hard Place
 

I really need to talk. I have a lot of background info to cover, but I'll try to make it short.

Been married for a couple of years, but with him over 5. Discovered he is buying and taking pills. I never see a personality change, but I realize that is probably because he has always been using. He is not abusive to me. He is a good husband in many other ways, but I am not okay with him buying pills illegally, maybe stealing from his work (he works at a medical office).

Here is a rundown of things that have happened the past few years.

He stole money from me. I kicked him out. He was gone a week. Said he needed to pay debts and thought he could pay it back. We worked through it.

A year later, I found a bag of pills. He said they were for her brother. We had just started fostering a former student of mine, and I wasn't ready to deal with the fighting and issues between my husband and I and I guess I just let it go.

Later, Found a "straw" that would be used to snort powder then tore apart the bathroom and found more pills. I kicked him out. Foster son got 8 days OSS and I needed some help at home. Husband came back to help. I did not intend for him to stay around, but he did.

Couple of months later, foster son runs away (he is a runner). He told someone that my husband uses pills and took him on a drug run. I talked to him about this. He didn't want to admit it to me, but finally did, and all his stories match up to things I've suspected with my husband. He even knows where my husband hides pills. I am in the process of making my husband move out. He has no family to support him and his broke, of course. I said I would pay deposit on an apartment because we will be getting tax money back, and he can move out and we will re-evaluate our relationship in 6 months if he starts getting help. He denies everything. Says he is depressed and I do nothing to support him emotionally. I'll admit I have checked out, but he doesn't say he loves me either or appreciate anything ever. I know that addicts turn it around on us and make us feel sorry for them, but I do care about his wellbeing and I do care about him. However, I can't let him continue to live with us.

The difficult thing is that with the coronavirus and shutdowns and all that, it is hard to just kick him out on the street with nowhere to go. He has horrible asthma, and I would never forgive myself if he caught this crap and became sick and/or died.

But, I cannot have him living in our house. If someone turns him in, we could lose our foster care license and our foster son, and I will not have that happen.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to quit letting him turn things around and get back in my life, making me feel bad and guilty. I'm seeing a therapist. I know I'm doing the right thing by making him leave, but I still continue to question myself. If I loved him, wouldn't I continue to help him, etc. And how do I get him to leave if he just won't leave? I told him to find a place over the weekend and I'd pay the depost and first month's rent with our tax money, and he did nothing over the weekend. I know he thinks the problem will just go away, but it won't. He says he quit using since the last time, but I know he hasn't because I have never seen any withdrawal symptoms.

I know you can't reason with an addict.

I guess I just need some encouragement.

God, things are so hard right now. I have 2 teens that aren't even my biological children stuck in my house due to school closure and coronavirus, one who is a known runner and we never know when he will run. I'm attempting to teach from home. And I have a drug addicted husband that is sucking the life out of me. Add to that, I had a death in the family, attended the funeral through Facebook live, and haven' t even had space to grieve.

Hi SmartRose, sorry you are in such a difficult situation.

As you know, you only have 2 choices. Either live with him or have him leave. He obviously has no intention of quitting the pills, so really those are your options.

You can't fix him. You are also not his Mother or caretaker or the person in charge of his life, that's his job. Could he end up on the street and end up sick? Absolutely. Might that not happen, also absolutely. There is no way you can keep him safe from himself. He is buying drugs on the street, how are you doing to keep him safe from that?

My point is, your guilt is a false guilt. It happens to all of us sometimes, but it has to be identified for what it is. Are you doing something wrong by protecting yourself and your foster children? No. So that's false guilt.

You have been entrusted with your foster children and I'm sure you want what's best for them, a good stable environment, not for them to be taken on a drug run! Is that the story you want him to tell his children? I was put in a foster home with a drug addict and he took me on a drug run.

You have made your boundary, he doesn't have to like it. What is your action if he refuses to move out, or is that not a problem?

You are on the right path. Stay strong.

I am so sorry you are going through this. When addiction is active in our homes, it becomes a very sad war zone. My son's addiction almost destroyed all of us.

You are responsible for those children, and for yourself. You cannot protect anyone as long as addiction lives in your home.

It may hurt a lot to take steps to have him leave, but it will hurt more to have him stay. You and your children deserve a safe and drug-free environment.

Keeping you all in my prayers.

Thank you for the reply. I'm sorry my response is so late. When our schools closed down, and I started teaching from home, I began having internet issues and then got so busy I forgot to come back here and check messages again.

He is still here, but things are not good. I've confronted him. He just won't leave. He says he needs to save up money, but he never will. He says he needs to wait for taxes. I already told him, I'd pay his first month's rent and deposit to get him started, which would be our tax money.

I just feel so stuck. I did tell my parents though. I just was completely honest that he is an addict. So, at least I have some support that way now.

Are your parents local?

No, they are not. And the house is in my name, so I am not leaving. :-)

But, it doesn't seem he has any intentions of leaving, no matter what I say. He just keeps coming home. Anytime I ask him anything personal, he says he doesn't tell me things because I don't care about him, but yet, he wants to stay here? I just don't know what to do at this point.

I feel like the bad guy in every situation. Our adult foster daughter is home for now, and she doesn't want him to leave, although she knows he is an addict. I feel like I'm hurting everyone, yet I know he has to go. He has to get help, and I can't find any way to trust him or anything he says anymore.

If the house is in your name, what is legally preventing you from kicking him out?

I guess I didn't want to have to go that route, but I guess it may come down to that.

SmartRose, I'm not in any position to tell you what to do. It isn't my place to do so. At the same time, I want to remind you that you're not powerless. You hold the most important cards. So when you're ready to, think about how you'd pull this off. Think about what has to be in place before you pull the trigger.

And remember you're not alone here by any means. You've got us.

I agree with Zoso, it may be a good time to get some legal advice on what your rights are and are not. It is often hard to evict someone who has established living in your home, whether renting or co-existing. Only your lawyer can tell you how this applies where you live.

Knowing your choices, then setting a plan in place, will empower you more than you know, whether you follow through as planned or decide to take another route.

Good luck, you deserve better than active addiction in your home.

This is true. It is his residence also and you would need to consult an attorney.

Thank you all. It really is good to know that I'm not alone in this process. It sure makes me feel crazy sometimes.

He is working on finding an apartment. He is packing up his things. He is also throwing a nightly pity part but I refuse to be sucked in to that.

He broke is finger at work. And miraculously got the same drug from the doctor that I've found him taking in the past. I guess he thinks that saves him from getting into trouble because he now has a prescription? Doesnt make a difference to me.

I go through many feelings of guilt even when I know this is the right thing to do.

That'll pass once he's out of your hair and you have your life back.

Paying a deposit on an apartment today. So, it is finally happening, and I know it needs to happen, but it doesn't lessen the guilty feelings as I know he is hurting too. Hopefully it is a wakeup call for him.

And my foster son ran away again, so there's that. And I don't think he will be returning to my house because he will just keep running. Pretty soon I will be basically alone in this big house that I had planned to raise a family in.