sighj

I’m going to explain the best I can, so bear with me please…

So, I started seeing this guy a few months ago (20 years old) (we are both gay men) I fell pretty hard and pretty fast. From what he said, he did too. However there were some things that were just… off. Me, with my rose colored glasses just tried to ignore these things but my family kept telling me something didn’t seem right.

For one, he was having what sounded like some minor legal problems and is on probation where he had to still go to court every month. Blamed the whole situation on the crazy family member he lives with who accused him (falsely he said) of stealing.

He always had these stories about how awful everyone treats him, about how his ex was emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, how he broke up with his ex for cheating on him and just being so horrible to him and using meth and stuff. Side note: this ex is a full 11 years older than him, and they had been together since the guy I was seeing was 15. On and off in a toxic relationship for almost 5 years.

Anyway
it all finally made sense last month when his family member called me (after the guy I was seeing called me crying and wanted to come stay with me because his family member kicked him out, the day after he got bailed out of jail for a probation violation).

The family member informed me that he is an addict, mainly at this point to fentanyl, who was put in jail by the judge as a last ditch effort to get clean, but the ex and ex’s family bailed him out even after the family member asked them not to. Family member asks me not to get involved. I oblige but me, being the kind of person I am, offered to help in any way I could.

Family member calls me back maybe 45 minutes later and asks me to come and stay with them while this guy I’ve been seeing is detoxing, to keep him motivated and not lonely and to keep an eye on him. I oblige. Pack my stuff and rush over.

Now, I am not going to lie, this guy was being sneaky and trying to use pretty much the whole time I was there that week. Which caused us to clash (I am new to dealing with addicts, if I had done as much research as I have since all this went down I would of went about everything differently) I witness a lot of dysfunction and what I now know was enabling from his family member. Time there comes to an end when I refuse to “watch him at his dealers house to make sure he doesn’t use anything except weed”.

Family member tells him not to come back home, tells me to not talk to him for at least a year for my own sake and safety. I cry and go back home.

Family member calls next day, tells me he agreed to go to rehab, but that she wasn’t going to even relay my message that I was proud of him because she doesn’t want any friends or anything around or talking to him. Okay…

Well he goes to rehab (his first time ever going by the way, even though his drug use started at age 15 his guardian never forced him to go for some reason, and even allowed him and the 11 year older ex to live under her roof while they were using. Because they used together for the entire 5 years of their relationship. UNTIL as I have come to find out, his ex broke up with him because his ex got clean but he wouldn’t. So like, the opposite of what I was told.

(I feel like this is getting really long so I’m trying to give you guys the abridged version) but basically I end up hearing nothing from my guy while he’s in rehab until I finally have his ex’s mother tell him to call me so I can tell him I’m proud of him and rooting for him and all that. Well when he does call me he’s freaking out and cussing me out for “meddling and messing things up with his ex” tells me not to talk to anyone in his life anymore, tells me he’s still in love with his ex and that they’re getting clean for eachother and yadda yadda yadda… his family think the ex is good for him, all the counselors are supportive of the relationship, yadda yadda yadda.l.

So I end up writing up a letter telling him exactly how I feel, have him call me again, read him the letter and he’s like “you’re making me want to use I don’t even wanna be friends with you” hangs up on me.

like ten minutes later his family member calls me and freaks out on me because “I told you not to talk to him for a year, you’re interfering in his recovery, stop talking to his ex and all his friends, I gave you closure when I told you not to talk to him for a year after that night.”

i’m honestly kinda stunned. So I’m just kinda like “okay,mmhmm, yes, okay” but later on I write her a passive-aggressive text asking if she’s considered that she’s interfering while he’s in recovery, still enabling him by protecting him from consequences, and allowing him to still manipulate her. I also list off the ways I had seem her enable him while I was staying with them (at her behest- remember she asked me to get involved)

i mean, I’m really hurt overall because despite everything I liked this guy a lot and would of happily supported him while he’s trying to recover. Instead I feel used and discarded by both him and his family.

I also have a complex from always having anyone I get involved with leave me for someone else, so the fact that he did that too, to get back with his ex (or try cause the ex told me he doesn’t know what their future holds and that actually he told him to even have a chance at getting back together he’s gotta be sober for a year and do all the other **** to fix himself).

but it still hurts, like.. I found out he’s getting out of rehab tomorrow and first thing is him and his ex are going to go “chill”.


i guess what I want to know is, do you guys actually think his counselors in rehab were supportive of him trying to continue a relationship with his 11 year older ex, who’s relationship with my guy started when my guy was 15 (literally considered rape of a child in the third degree so why his family was okay with that I have no clue), who (although the ex has been clean for almost a year now) for the entirety of their relationship they used together, and cheated on eachother, and fought and just overall be toxic to eachother. Like, what kind of counselor would be okay with that?!?

Why is his family okay with that, yet somehow I got excommunicated from his support- even though this is his first time in rehab after so many years and he just happened to go after I stayed with him and his family, and yeah I did “meddle” because he had so many people alienated from eachother that none of them knew what was truly going on so when one person was mad he’d turn to the other who had no idea and would enable him. I communicated with everyone so everyone was on the same page so no one was willing to bail him out that night. So he ended up agreeing to go to rehab. I am also someone who has not had an issue with hard drugs or alcohol (smoked a lot of weed in the past but I quit a few years ago cold turkey) but apparently *I* am the one who will jeopardize his recovery, not the enabling family member who he will continue to live with, not the ex who’s relationship with him consisted of drug abuse and overall just being toxic to eachother, not the other *2* sober friends he has who are so checked out from his BS that they just kinda go with the flow. But apparently me.

like, am I missing something here? I just don’t understand. I know you all will probably say “just run, you dodged a bullet”. But… I just ughghgh.

zoso77

"I know you all will probably say “just run, you dodged a bullet”. But… I just ughghgh."

Hey, I'm sorry for what has brought you here. What you describe is a debacle of the highest magnitude, and I know that's not what you signed up for when you got together with him. Trying to make sense of something that doesn't is something all of us here at one point or another have struggled with.

I'm not going to speculate what the family member's thinking, or what the counselors are thinking. I can share what I think about your AXBF. The fact of the matter is you got involved with someone whose brain chemistry is permanently altered from opioid use. Obviously, there's other stuff going on with him as well. Mental illness and addiction are often a package deal. That's why he was all over the map. That's what you guys were all hot and heavy, but you knew something was slightly amiss at the same time. Now you know, and here you are.

I think one of the hardest lessons to learn is to trust what our eyes are telling us. Put another way, when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Your AXBF has made his choice. And as much as it hurts in the moment, the best thing you can do is respect that choice, detach from him, and start the process of healing yourself. Believe it or not, you will get over this. It just doesn't feel like it right now. Right now, it's important that you do a lot of self care and to not do things that'll set you back. If you want to understand the addiction aspect of his character, there's a bunch of reading you can do here and that'll help you fill in the gaps in your knowledge. That can be quite helpful and is worth your time. But at the end of the day, all it comes down to he's an addict, and this is what addicts do. It's got nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

My hope is in time, you'll move on from this. It may take a while as you've been hurt. But you're also 20 years old with a lot of life in front of you. What you do with that time is entirely up to you.

sighj

Hey thank you for the response, and yeah I will move on from this, it’s just so many different emotions right now. I’m mad at him, but also know this is a disease so I also pity him and everything he’s been through, but then I’m also mad at his family for using me as well. It’s just.. confusing. I have been lurking here for the past month since everything went down, so I do feel as though I have a better understanding as to what addicts do.

Also he’s 20, I just recently turned 27. Yeah still a bit of a age gap there but things between us started well after he had become an adult, and our age gap is a little more than half that his and his exes is. I did the math after I posted this thread last night and the difference between them is actually 12 years, not 11. (I’m not saying age gaps like that are inherently bad, but IMO they’re pretty gross if one partner is a minor and under the age of consent when things first started).

zoso77

Hey thank you for the response, and yeah I will move on from this, it’s just so many different emotions right now. I’m mad at him, but also know this is a disease so I also pity him and everything he’s been through, but then I’m also mad at his family for using me as well. It’s just.. confusing. I have been lurking here for the past month since everything went down, so I do feel as though I have a better understanding as to what addicts do.

Yeah, you've been hit by a truck at high speed, and it's going to take a while to heal from this. And in my personal experience after dealing with an addict, that's OK. Once we make the decision to move on and to put the addict in our rearview mirrors, the rest of it is just about showing up and doing what we need to do to get through the day. Of course, it's not always that easy. There are good days and bad days. In my case, I knew I was going to be OK when I was out in the boonies of the Utah desert for work. No civilization to be found for 100 miles, surrounded by snow capped mountains, and...I felt at peace. My AXGF gave me the gift of freedom, and I've taken full advantage. Once you're ready to, you can get there as well. Just be patient with yourself.

trailmix

Hi Sigh. Wow, you really got caught in that tornado! Sorry you got hurt in all of this.

The age difference/criminal act, is not on your side of the street really and something for your ex to deal with - when and if he decides to.

What did the counselor and the family really say? Who knows! He lies, as you now know.

It would be tough to figure all this out and I don't blame you at all for being angry. In fact that anger can propel you well out of this, just be sure not to hold on to it for too long. If you find it is, seek help, you don't want to grow bitter.

This was a disaster from the beginning, but, as in many cases with addicts, you didn't know that. Something to look out for - when the "other people" in a person's life (ex, family, friends, employers etc etc) are all "horrible" and reject them and he has done nothing wrong! Look out.

The fact that he was on probation and had to check in with the court every month - that's highly suspicious, that alone should be a big problem (for you!). I don't know much about this, but "minor legal" problems don't have you on probation and checking in at court every 4 weeks.

I completely understand your hurt. It will take time for you to move away from this. The most important thing is looking after yourself right now. Taking good care of yourself, focusing on yourself.

You know, you can't really "support" someone through addiction recovery, I mean you could drive him to an AA meeting IF he asks you to. Short of that, there is nothing to be done, this is his situation and his problem and his responsibility, he needs to make this happen (if he chooses to).

There is a book that is the most recommended to Friends and Family - Codependent no more, by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent, the word has a negative connotation. The book contains a lot of information about relationships and boundaries, not just in romantic relationships, but in general too. You might find it really resonates with you.