Harl13

amh293

I am struggling and not doing well to be honest is there a chance he will ever come back or speak to me again in this life?

amh293

@abandoned80 -- I would like to talk to you but it won't let me PM you cause I don't have enough posts?? Can you PM me?

Harl13

BeckoningCat

I am really sorry to hear the pain you're going through. I am sure you gave a lot of yourself to this person and feel devastated by the loss.

On the other hand, I pick up some things from your narrative, including that you are a social worker so are perhaps a "care taker" type of personality, and that you are suicidal six months after you broke up with this person. I think there's a possibility there was a toxic component to your relationship with your ex, with you depending on your role as caretaker in a codependent way for your happiness and self-worth. That's not good for you. It's actually not even good for your ex.

I hope you can seek counseling and therapy and focus on yourself instead of him. You can't control him or "fix" him. Whether he's using or not, it's not your job to manage his life, and your relationship is over. I do feel sympathy for the tremendous pain you are clearly going through, but I think it would be better to focus on yourself instead of taking care of someone else.

LSC1

Have yo read "Co-dependence No More"? Check it out.

LSC1

What advice would you give a friend in this situation? Write a letter to "that friend" and read it to yourself.

amh293

@beckoningcat - i saw a post on his instagram of a beer yesterday- he's not sober .... anyone who is truly committed to their sobriety would not be using drugs or alcohol, plain and simple. I appreciate your feedback but my therapist said that I most certainly was not toxic, if anyone was, it was him. I think toxic is such a strong word- was the relationship unhealthy at times, yes. But really who has a perfect relationship? I don't think anyone can say their relationship is flawless. To be clear- I am not suicidal 6 months post break up, i have my days where i struggle immensely, but I am not actively suicidal and I DO see a therapist weekly. Just being able to let it go, move on, worry about myself, etc. that everyone says is easier said than done.

Hope2019

I hope you're doing better? I know this is an older post, but I want you to know you are NOT crazy, you are NOT alone, and you are NOT going to feel worthless after more self-reflection. You are smart but very vulnerable right now. That's understandable. I cannot imagine how alone you must feel because I didn't want his or my business to be out there. I'm a private person and the last thing I want is for people to call him "a loser" or all that negative terms. It won't help the situation for people to make you look like that bad guy or have him look like a loser. I guarantee you that you were attracted to him because he was a charismatic, friendly, and caring man. I know now that drugs make you feel invincible and put a facade of extreme self-confidence that the sober loved one wouldn't normally behave like. I'm not saying that he is a fake-confident man but I'm just saying that drugs can influence the type of strong confidence in a man that anyone would migrate to. After all, I feel like I'm describing myself!

You are lingering and that's normal. Don't have anyone tell you to "just get over it" if you obviously need to heal the way you need to. Just try to breathe and know that the recovery he is going through/will need to go through/hopefully he goes through needs to be coming from him. It's just like you when you and him had a silly argument and BAM he goes "I can't keep doing this with you." As if I'm the one with the secretive attitude!

Here is my experience (it's going to be long sorry):
Mine broke up with me August 2019, a week after my birthday and two weeks from our wedding. August will be a traumatizing month from now on. I had to deal with a 'forever-rejection' because he said the same thing as yours, that I'm "toxic" and what we have was "unsustainable because we kept arguing and things would never be solved" and "you won't be hearing from me anymore/" I tried to have him understand that we never had any conflict until he started with that mess of a drug. Your story sounds exactly like mine but HIS drug of choice was/is smoking crystal meth. We were together for about 6 years but I knew him since 9th grade and I also told him I don't trust anyone since all my aunties/my own omom have dealt with men who cheat/done drugs/leaving out of nowhere. I had accepted that being single with no stress was better than being with someone who would eventually leave whenever they wanted to. I decided to marry my career.

But nope, I trusted him and fell in love so hard. I also gave him my virginity (age 27) and he knows how much this meant to me since I was raped by my uncles from ages 6 to 9. It took all the strength in me to trust him and be completely safe with him enough to be intimate with him. We were two weeks away from our wedding and it was so devasting to force myself to get up every morning to feel the most excruciating pain I ever have felt and I had to be the one to explain to our relatives/friends about him canceling the wedding. It was really a surprise as my mom even helped pay for our honeymoon and accepted him so easily (e.g. a blue-collar worker in construction). I also had strong suicidality and made an emergency appointment with a psychiatrist the SAME day (November 2019) even though I had a therapist that I already have been seeing since October 2019. However, I knew that all the talking in the world won't fully address my anxiety and depression. It was really leaving me paralyzed in the morning and at night, I didn't eat/couldn't sleep/felt like a big loser. I even put off my career goals of applying to medical school on hold because I wanted to focus on the wedding, getting married, and starting a family first. School will always be there but not our fertility. I partly blame myself because I took myself off anti-depressants and anti-anxiety when I got laid off in my mid-20s thinking I was okay. However, his crystal meth addiction made him and ME a monster!I’ve been obsessively reading all the forums on this website (as well as others) just to validate that I'm not going crazy. But I am still reading forum posts, I am still feeling crazy, and I'm still crying myself to sleep UNCONTROLLABLY and I still wake up with panic attacks—I cannot breathe that I’m living this nightmare. I know I am beating a dead horse but I cannot accept my relationship is over. I’m not crying and feeling like this everyday now. It’s a little better now in terms of the break-downs (e.g. crying in the car, crying in the bathroom stalls at work, and crying whenever I hear a love-song that we were going to choose for our wedding list on the radio). I guess it’s a common theme for the addict to dump the non-user because I've been seeing it all over the forums I'm reading/have read. I guess you will say it's a blessing in disguise for both of us right? That's another common response to expect because they did us a favor because of the obvious; no one wants to be married to or raise a family or grow old with a drug addict or at least someone in active addiction that DOESN’T want to get help. I get it. I know. I feel like it’s my fault for even wanting it to work it out with him when I found out about the crystal meth. Yet, I know when someone’s in active addiction, don’t they need some support to get better? Don’t they need someone who will be there every step of the way? Isn’t it worst to feel like no one cares for him to get better? Or I guess it doesn’t matter because he is lucid enough to decide to get clean if he wants to. He’s not completely powerless to this disease---yet some forums justify that addicts are powerless, but if that’s the case, why are there happy-recovery stories? We never had any issues in our relationship until this drug situation came up!

Why do I still have undying love and compassion for this man? Well, same as you. Sometimes you can't help feel for who you feel. They say that no one chooses to be an addict, but then I get frustrated thinking about that statement, too… c’mon! It’s like getting in a car while drunk. Just don’t do it! Isn’t that common sense? It won’t benefit you or anyone in anyway to blame yourself even if you started the arguments. Many couples have arguments but they don't have to deal with someone being heavy into their drinking or drug addiction. I was angry and sad in waves. How selfish can someone be to do something like that? No one forced you to smoke on a pipe let alone do it again and again and again knowing it was hurting yourself and everyone around you. Though I know you were probably freaking out when those shady friends were STILL THERE, actively texting/calling. or showing up. Maybe he said he just needed some guy-time and you were being too controlling or demanding or nagging that you need to see him all the time but you rarely saw him anymore because he was always "too busy" with his friends or whatever excuse they tell you.

All I did was linger over him getting clean over someone else, too. My life revolved around his because I never thought I'd meet someone who would let me consider a family-type life. After all, like I mentioned--I have trust issues. All my uncles/male figures besides teachers/professors were cheating/doing drugs/just left their spouses behind. The only person I know who still had married parents is my best friend but. I'm unsure if that's a happy marriage. Who knows? If it's mean to be it will be, but he needs to put in the effort and he needs to do this for himself. I don't want to give you hope but know that everything is bound to fall into place and what is meant for you will be yours. You might not enjoy the wait, but if you just have patience and faith, you will see how things will suddenly become better. Because despite all challenges and difficulties, what’s meant for you will always come to you, you just need to wait for it. But don't just sit there and linger. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm still lingering but not as much as before. It was so bad for me I was late to work a few times because all I did was cry uncontrollably and didn't want my buggy eyes to be so obvious.

Also, unsure about you, but I keep putting myself in a position if I was my daughter. What would I want for my daughter? I have no children obviously but if my daughter or even son was going through this, I'd try my best for her or him to continue following her or his career/health goals and be the best version of she or he can be. This mindset of pretending I'm my own daughter to self-care motivates me to get out of bed. I would never wish this pain on my own children knowing that it's a pain that will take years upon years, if not a lifetime, to get over.

One main thing that maybe you and I definitely have in common is how do we go about separating the "care-taker" position in a relationship? I understand that I was going crazy thinking about this. How can he leave me? I did everything for him---gave him my time, my love, my body, and everything else a "good girl" would provide to her man. How can he leave me alone and then he might end up getting clean and having a family with that new girl? Oh gosh the pain of feeling so REPLACEABLE after all the time and emotions invested really pierces your every being. My self-esteem crashed---after all "If a drug addict could dump me even with everything I did, I must be the loser in the relationship." Did I not do enough? Didn't I go through hell for him so he knows I love him? Why does he feel this decision of separating will be what he wants in 10 or 20 years??? He'll regret this. This is a crappy mindset. I know, trust me.

The self-reflection of all this is he has to work on himself and you have to work on yourself. The pain you feel hurts so much because it's a direct relationship to how much you love him. It sucks as I am feeling so anxious that the world "moving on" means he is just a memory but HE'S NOT EVEN DEAD. He's quite alive and surrounding himself with people he never associated with when we were together. Unsure if they are drug dealers/addicts etc but I have no control over that. What is also bothersome is that you don't truly know if dying will be his rock bottom. That's my biggest fear because even though we have to love from a distance, we really have to accept that death is a reality for an addict in active addiction. Breathe---breathe--- I'm here if you ever want to PM me but I don't think you or I have done 15 posts to even earn that privilege yet.

I just want you to know you're NOT ALONE. You're NOT CRAZY. It's the most excruciating pain you have felt to be disregarded so easily, I understand. The man you loved/love is destroying his future and there's nothing you can do about it. All we can really do is control our own thoughts and actions. That's why falling in love is such a gamble! You have to be willing to lose what you put in knowing very well that they can leave anytime they want. I've seen marriages of 30 years fall apart for all sorts of reasons. It's just a gamble all around. A college degree doesn't guarantee a job in that field and having children doesn't mean they will be caretakers for you when you get old. Crazy right?

Loving an alcoholic/drug addict is not for the weak. It's definitely a betrayal to the loved ones but also themselves. If they can't love themselves to be healthy physically/ mentally, and emotionally---they can't love us either. NOTHING AGAINST US AT ALL.

All the Love,
Hope2019

Bowielover7

Everyone is different, but yes, it sounds like he has relapsed.

I dated someone for a bit and had all of the SAME questions and thoughts when he ditched me, but what I've come to realize after much research and a little Al Anon, is addicts aren't reasonable, rational or predictable. Literally all over the place. Drugs, especially cocaine messes with brain function and he is not himself.

And my guess is, if he is dating someone on Tinder, it is a superficial relations with someone who is not holding him accountable. Addicts don't like to be held accountable and typically surround themselves with enablers.

These situations suck, but stay back and work on you. Go inward and let him deal with his issues. Nothing you do or so can change the situation. Trust me, you're spinning your wheels if you try to convince him of anything.

Hope2019

It's so difficult to work on myself when he's just n the street. I have dumb thoughts like "why isn't he afraid to lose me?" Or "even after losing more than one job and ending up in ER, why doesn't he see he's throwing it all away..." I miss him, he was the only reason why I decide "I think I'm smart enough to be a doctor!" And actually go through with the process. Now with my biggest support system gone--- it just feels like hell to ignore his existence....

thank you for your insight BowieLover

Hope2019

It's so difficult to work on myself when he's just down the street. I have dumb thoughts like "why wasn't/isn't he afraid to lose me forever?" Or "even after losing more than one job and ending up in ER, why doesn't he see he's throwing it all away?" I miss him, he was the only reason why I decided "I think I'm smart enough to be a doctor!" And actually go through with the process. Now with my biggest support system gone--- it just feels like hell to ignore his existence....

thank you for your insight BowieLover

realize

Omg- i am going through something so similar right now. Would love to chat with you personally

Bella1973

Hi, I know I'm very late to this thread but wondering if you can share how things are for you now. I'm currently in a very similar situation and am stuck emotionally. Thank you.

edoering

I have so many feelings with you!

To share some info, yes marijuana is considered a psychoactive chemical. It can be a relapse when a substance is legal, just like it’s a relapse for alcoholics when they drink. And for some people, marijuana and even antidepressants or prescribed stimulants can trigger manic episodes or worsen mania symptoms. Addiction in my experience is rarely isolated from companion issues (like trauma, depression, Bipolar tendencies, etc) and it’s a long journey of discovering what works for that unique brain.

I have a tendency to research the crap out of stuff when I feel out of control because it helps me feel like “if I can understand what’s happening, I can do the ‘right’ thing.” But there is no “right” thing in these situations. And even if I know exactly what’s going on, it doesn’t change anything, and a LO battling addiction will see it how they’re going to see it, no matter what’s “real.” Addiction will fight for its own survival in your LO, and we can’t control it. Sometimes, addiction tricks a person into thinking they are worthless, and then they start to behave in ways that reinforce that perception (like isolating and pushing away loved ones), so they can be left alone to use and feel awful so they “need” to keep using. I do believe all people can relearn to love themselves, but until they do, they probably can’t truly love someone else.

So like everyone else has said, focus on what can make you feel healthy and whole without this person. The rest will happen how it’s going to happen.

Bowielover7

Oh honey.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t matter how wonderful or how pretty you are. And although it feels like a personal attack, I know, it isn’t.

Addicts and alcoholics are incredibly selfish people when they are in active addiction. It’s just the sad truth and no amount of love from anyone will save them.

I’ve loved an addict and alcoholic and when he would ghost me, disappear, or get kicked out of rehab for trying to sleep with a female patient I thought something was wrong with me. I’m codependent and selfishly making it about myself. Please don’t put yourself through that.

this is about him and his demons and he will never get clean without a lot of dedication and certainly not while hanging with a drug-dealer.

run! Run fast! Work on you and imagine how you’d work through this with a client.

comewhatmay

I'm inspired by everyone's replies in this thread, the honesty, the realness...rare these days. Amh293, everyone has his/her own chapters of their lives, and this guy is a chapter in your life. Your time together is over, and now you have to close this chapter. Sometimes the best thing we can do is let go. Its painful, but it hurts even more when we try to hold onto someone when it wasn't meant to be. I recently got out of a relationship with an addict. I promise you it does get easier! There’s the element of that person that won’t leave you but I also think (at least in my case), that my relationship with him was the most selfless I’ll ever be and ever will be. I was selfless to the point of being a little destructive to myself but I have learnt my lesson. Self love first! I know its hard at times, but got to keep moving forward! Staying in sadness will only prolong things! Let him go, stop looking for answers. I know it hurts but its the only way things will get better. The mind can be the cruelest prison and the heart the sharpest knife. Once you fully accept your relationship is over, that's when you'll find inner peace.

DISCARDED

@amh293 I have been trying to get in touch with you! THIS EXACT THING IS WHAT I AM DEALING WITH I NEED HELP

trailmix

Hi discarded! This thread is a year and a half old, so the same members may not reply. If you start a new thread, of your own, you will probably get many more replies though. Lots of support for you here.