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Old 02-03-2020, 03:53 PM   #1 (permalink)

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My addict boyfriend wants to break up

Sorry for the long post. This is my first time here and Iím looking for a bit of support. Iím 22 years old and my (ex) boyfriend is 27. We have been in a long distance relationship for about nine months now. He lives 5 hours away by train and I have done the majority of the travelling. He has a very close group of friends he spends most of his time with - we only see each other every 2 weeks or so. His friends are all drug users and a few of them gamble.

I learnt quite early on about my exís addiction problems and had experience of addiction from a previous relationship. I didnít really understand the seriousness of my exís problems until a few months ago. In the time weíd been together it seemed he wasnít gambling much and I wasnít sure how serious his weed addiction was as we only saw each other every two weeks. He had a relapse a few months ago, gambled away all his wages and started smoking weed every night again. The weekend he admitted all this to me he did not want to talk further about it and became despondent and aggressive, virtually ignoring me when I was distressed, desperate for some clarity on how he was feeling and and what he wanted and what I could do. I packed my stuff and left, and told him afterwards that I felt he needed time to look after himself and didnít need to be dealing with my needs as well as his own. He was very upset and we had a very difficult 7 week separation where he began behaving erratically. One minute he would phone me crying, then he would verbally attack me and call me all sorts of names. He was very paranoid and his behaviour was scary - he wasnít the person I thought I knew. I didnít give him space to punish him; I hoped he may decide he really needed to change but suffered very much for it. I was incredibly anxious and upset because of his behaviour, at one point thinking he was suicidal and contacting his friends for help. I eventually gave in to him as he convinced me heíd really changed and was not gambling or smoking anymore. We got very close during this time, talking like we never had before for hours and I was so relieved after everything that had happened between us. We began seeing each other again and things were good for a while, however about a month ago he changed again and became withdrawn like he had during his last relapse. He avoided talking to me and I was left in the dark. I knew he had relapsed again, and when I asked him about it he became defensive and angry and began accusing me of ignoring his messages. He asked for space and didnít contact me for four days. During this time I was in a severe state of anxiety, not able to eat or sleep due to worry. Whilst I was in this state, he messaged me at one point to say he couldnít speak because he was out at the cinema with his friends(!!!!!). I knew he was using this time to gamble and smoke to his heartís content without considering me.

When he finally got in touch, he convinced me to come and see him so I agreed, providing we spent time planning how he would approach recovery. I went for the weekend and I told him how much I loved him and how much I wanted him to get better, but I was very upset about how he had treated me. At first he was defensive and angry when I explained to him how much he had hurt me by not contacting me and leaving me in a distressed state whilst he enjoyed himself with friends. He changed his tune after a while and apologised, but I told him if this happened again I would have to leave for my own mental health as it was affecting me very deeply. In the next few days, he blacklisted himself from gambling online and signed up for counselling. He also told his boss about his addiction problems. I thought we were getting somewhere so went home feeling happy and hopeful.

Things took a turn for the worse this week. He hasnít been contacting me much, spending every night with his friends and blew off a video call date we had planned for Saturday night. He said he forgot, and instead spent the night with friends partying till 2am. I told him I was hurt, and he said heíd call me the next day after I finished work. He didnít keep this date either, telling me he couldnít speak as he was at his friendís house and would talk to me later. This felt like the last straw for me as I have gotten very used to being the person he talks to when he has nothing better to do and I felt he wasnít prioritising our relationship. I explained to him again how much he has been hurting me with this behaviour and he had virtually no response, so I decided to end it. He said he ďcouldnít be botheredĒ with the relationship anyway and harshly said he would send me back my stuff immediately. I feel absolutely broken, I havenít stopped crying and I canít believe he would be so heartless when he knows how much he has hurt me. I feel like Iíve been a good girlfriend; even when we were separated for 7 weeks I answered his calls any time he needed me, and talked and cried with him on the phone. I loved him so much I stayed around even when he was abusive during early recovery.

I guess Iím just wondering if anyone can understand his behaviour, or has any experience with anything similar. I just need some words of comfort, as I feel so alone and am feeling like maybe I made a mistake in ending it.
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Old 02-03-2020, 08:42 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi emp4th, that's all very hurtful and I am sorry you got hurt.

A couple of things - You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (whatever is wrong with him and it sounds like a lot more than weed and gambling). So those are the 3 C's.

Secondly, have you ever read a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie? It is very often recommended here and talks a lot about boundaries in relationships etc, it would probably be a good idea to read that if you want to.

He sounds pretty horrible really? He treats you poorly, he is more interested in partying and drugs than anything else. He has verbally abused you and he's mean.

What exactly do you see in him. Is this really a relationship you want? The fact you have been in 2 relationships, by the time you are 22, that both involved addictions is a red flag, for you.

He doesn't sound like a nice guy or that he is in any way ready for a relationship. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, that is something he can't offer.

It hurts, even when it wasn't a great relationship. Do you really think you made a mistake breaking up with him or do you think that perhaps by contacting him again it would help to solve the hurt? It won't you know, he hasn't changed at all, he won't treat you any better. It will take time to heal from this, many months probably. The best thing to do is focus back on yourself. What do you want, what is fun for you? Spend time with family and friends that care about you.
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Old 02-03-2020, 11:33 PM   #3 (permalink)

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I know that anxious feeling you speak about very well. I think the push/pull dynamic of these kinds of relationships is so damaging.

I think youíve got to ask yourself whether this relationship was meeting any of your needs? The physical distance combined with emotional distance for the most part, with some good/close moments in between.

I can imagine how hurt you must be feeling right now. Itís useful to read around here and the Friends and Family of Alcoholics subforum if you want help to understand the common patterns and dynamics in relationships with addicts. It may help to avoid the pattern repeating with this guy and your future relationships.

Iím so sorry for your pain.
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Old 02-04-2020, 05:14 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi, sorry you're in this situation, but I hope you use this time to make a permanent break from your EXABF.

You are constantly telling him he's hurt your feelings and he is constantly showing you that he doesn't care, in fact he's irritated that you're telling him. This man may have been a great BF once, and you may have bonded with him during that time, but it's now dead as a doornail.

You're going to experience a period of grief for the relationship, hopefully not too long, and then with perspective you'll see you're worth so much more than the way he's treating you.

He is a gambler, and addict and already has his posse to provide him with friendship. Let him go and be thankful for a close escape.
"I was looking for the key for years....but the door was always open."
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Old 02-04-2020, 06:47 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Unfortunately, this is pretty much exactly what one can expect when having a relationship with someone in active addiction.

It is meaningless to you right now, I know, but the one thing I can tell you is that he is not doing any of this to hurt you specifically. He is doing what addicts do, and his addiction will not let him concern himself with the consequences of his behavior.

The sad fact is that he is not in a position to be a healthy relationship partner to anyone right now, and he wasn't when he got involved with you either. He is too deep into his addiction to recognize that, but it's important that YOU recognize and accept it so you can move on.
Don't let what you can't control get in the way of what you can.
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Old 02-04-2020, 09:00 AM   #6 (permalink)
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short answer - typical drug addict behavior.

longer answer - if i read your post correctly, YOU broke up with HIM.
so I decided to end it. he then cut you off, which is kind of what happens when people break up. again.

from what you share, he's never been "clean and sober" and it sounds like he is also doing some type of stimulant - coke, meth, adderall, etc. weed doesn't make people erratic and off the charts as you have described.

so let's do some math - known each other for 9 months, or 36 weeks.
broke up for 7 of those weeks, so 29 weeks. only see each other every couple of weeks (5 hour trip each way, mostly you doing the traveling, on your own dime), so have only been in F2F contact during 14.5 of those weeks. sounds like mostly weekend trips/visits - so 14.5 weeks = 101.5 days, of which you have spent actual TIME together of maybe 29 or so days.

i'm curious why at the tender/young age of 22 you are chasing someone around like this? going to extraordinary lengths to go see someone that requires TEN HOURS of travel for a couple days every few weeks? someone who is a confirmed drug addict, with a side of gambling addiction, who is moody, inconsistent, and treats with you disrespect?

this is not really about him. this is the time to ask yourself WHY this is the path you chose? if you looked up Emotionally Unavailable in the dictionary, i wouldn't be surprised to see this guy's picture. and as you have stated, this isn't your first rodeo with a drug addict.
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Old 02-04-2020, 09:23 AM   #7 (permalink)

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Clearly your BF is an addict. You did not make a mistake by breaking up with him.

It would be a major mistake for you to continue trying to be in a relationship with him.

As the others have said above, just completely let go of this self destructive addict & do whatever you need to do to get past it. Let him go drugging, partying, & gambling with his friends.

Focus on 22 year old you & all the good things which life has to offer.
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