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Old 01-28-2020, 09:13 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Help me process this please


Hi everyone, I have posted on and off over the years and have always come back to read the threads when Iíve been struggling with my ex addict partner and find your words of wisdom so helpful and no one else seems to understand the way this forum does.
So on that note I would like to share how Iím feeling and see if anyone can help me work out how to let this go.
My ex is addicted to heroin (currently on subutex) and uses crack and Xanax.
His addiction spiralled out of control when I was pregnant with our son and has remained steady with him binging to the point of overdose sometimes for 2 weeks then ďcleanĒ for 2 weeks for the last 2 years.
Hes had sporadic contact with my son during these ďcleanĒ periods and also has developed epilepsy as a result of his drug use and I have been witness to many of his seizures which have been really traumatic for me to cope with when he has one in my company.
He has been offered a residential rehab place for 3 months that heís to go to in 3 days.
For some reason I feel really angry about this. I have learned over the years to never enable his addiction, I go no contact when I find heís been using. I have strict boundaries for myself and overall feel much healthier in dealing with it over the last year or so.
I've had a hard a time myself though and have started a degree and completed a full time course to get onto it when my son was just 9 months old and all the usual single parent worries with money and no spare time etc.
Im at the stage where I feel I can really reflect on how disgusting his behaviour was towards us, stealing, lying constantly, cheating and his dysfunctional enabling family who donít like me as I have pointed out they just enable him and his lifestyle.
I feel like he chooses to take drugs, has had long enough to sort it out and is on a maintenance prescription. He has access to meetings, has group therapy once a week so why does he need to go to this?
He has told me that once he is recovered after rehab he can be the partner and parent to our son that he always wanted to be. I find this hard to believe as he is such a selfish individual drugs or no drugs.
i think Iím resentful he gets to swan off for 3 months with no responsibility yet again, have everyone tell him how wonderful he is and Iím still left struggling and bringing up our son with no help because he canít just quit and grow up.
I know itís more complex than this and he really has been awful to me at times that my empathy for him has disappeared.
I feel he chooses this and if his son who adores him isnít enough to quit what is? He says heís only going as his family expect him to and he is one for just doing as heís told with little control over his own life.
help me resolve these feelings please, I should be happy he is getting help but I just feel odd and as if he has caused me all this damage now he gets to be ďfixedĒ and have a new life and Iím still trying to pick mine up alone
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Old 01-28-2020, 09:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I am so sorry you are dealing with this. The reality is, sometimes sober or not, we just don't like who they have become.

Until someone is in true recovery, for themselves, they just won't stop. You now are at a place you need to have empathy for yourself and your child and do what is best for the two of you.

Sending lots of support. I say this all kindly because I know it's so hard.
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Old 01-28-2020, 11:06 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you. I actually bumped into him this evening going to collect my son from childcare and itís been 3 weeks since he last saw him and hasnít text or anything to see how he is etc.
He was off his face falling about the street saying he will be better once he is out of rehab. I just hate him but sad at that same time as I never wanted things to be like this.
I loved this man more than I thought possible and we have drifted so far apart and this is what he is. what he always was I just didnít want to see it.
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Old 01-28-2020, 07:56 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Missmac,

I am sorry that you are going through this, I can feel your pain and hurt and sadness in your words. I think that you have the right to feel the way you do. He loved him once and now he is not the man that he once was.

Unfortunately, he has left you with a lot to deal with and being a single parent is no easy feat ( I have been one since my son was 8) and having all the extra stresses that he brings can not be helping you. I think what makes us sad is that we loved them so much once, we had these hopes and dreams and plans for the lives we would live together and that in itself is a disappointment and makes us mad.

Hopefully for his sake and your child's he will go to rehab and be able to get clean but he has to want it and that is something only he can control. I would guess that deep down he really does want to quit so he can be a better dad and he probably really means it, but this addiction is sometimes greater than their love for anything.

Take one day at a time and focus on you and your son. When you feel angry or hurt at your ex, look at your son and see that together you created a beautiful child. Cuddle up with him and hug him tight, that always used to help me.

You are doing a great job! Single mom, going to school! That is amazing.
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Old 01-29-2020, 05:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you Alexbaby thatís exactly what I do with my son. Very sad he hasnít even said goodbye to him as heís leaving in the morning. Heís been texting today saying heís scared, heís doing it for us and whatís my postcode so he can write every day.
ilI have refused to reply as I know he just wants to use me as a crutch and as something to fall back on etc and I refuse to be part of it. I think itís the change even though is positive thatís freaking me out more.
move never gone 3 months without speaking to him and so used to the never ending in and out. Strange to think it wonít be happening anymore.
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Old 01-29-2020, 07:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi Missmac,

I am sorry that you are going through this, I can't imagine how hard it must be for you..

I understand how it feels to be used to something, even if it is crazy and chaotic and then to not have it. I was with my ex for over 3yrs and although it is not the same as being married, I got so used to having him around, the daily text messages, the phone calls, etc, but with those good things came, chaos and confusion and stress and worry. It was a constant roller coaster ride but I loved him.

When he left me, I found myself a little lost. I had been living that life for so long, I didn't know any other way. I won't lie, I cried all the time, the first few weeks but every day got a little better and a little better.

Mine did me a favor by cutting off all contact, had he not, I would still be on the rollercoaster. So, cutting off contact with him, for now, is the best thing that you can do for yourself.

I am sure he loves your child but he can't get clean for you or him, he has to do it for him. If he doesn't, if or when he falls, he will blame it on you and that is not a burden that you should have to carry.

If he comes out of rehab clean and stays clean and starts to change his life, then maybe down the road you can try and mend the relationship, even if it just for your son's sake.

The best thing you can do right now is try to move forward and focus on you. It is not easy but you can do it, just take each day as it comes. If you need to cry, then cry, if you need to get mad, get mad, whatever will help you heal.

Stay strong! You can do this and we are all in this together.
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Old 01-31-2020, 06:54 PM   #7 (permalink)
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He called me today 6 times from rehab and I ignored it. He left me a desperate voicemail saying heís doing it for me and our son and he loves us and please pick up the phone etc. Then his family started calling me which I also ignored and leaving me messages telling me to support him he needs me right now etc.
this is messing with my head so much!!! I donít want to talk as Iím trying to protect myself!! No contact no hurt right? I donít want drawn into it his recovery is his alone he doesnít need my support. I am not a crutch to lean on.
Am I being heartless ?? My head is a mess and feel so guilty
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Old 01-31-2020, 07:30 PM   #8 (permalink)
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No, your priority is your son, and you need to care for yourself to be the parent filling both roles.

Your ex has always chosen addiction over his partner and child. You are wise to keep your distance as he is literally just taken half a step in a lifetime journey of recovery.

If I were you I would focus on your son and your own future and let your ex work his program. He has experts, resources, and blood family to help him.

What resources do you have or can build towards your own recovery from living for years with a selfish and unreliable addict?

I would absolutely stay No Contact with him and his family for now.
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 01-31-2020, 07:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I have absolutely none. As we know itís not something you can talk to just anyone about. I have some close friends I confide in and they are so valuable but as far as helping me deal with my feelings and help with my son I have no one.
Im all over the place tonight and his voicemail made me feel terrible. They are acting like he is going to walk out if I donít speak to him and support him and that will be all my fault. They know he will die if he doesnít crack recovery, itís a small town and he has a huge family. I donít want the blame even though we know here it would be his own choice.
Why the hell is this journey always one where we have to suffer and pay the consequences most?!
thanks for the support Iíve been reading past posts here and it really is like a secret world where everyone gets it.
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Old 01-31-2020, 08:41 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Missmac, this is the way I see it.

If someone had a mental illness, say depression and they needed to go to a facility for treatment, you might be there for them. So how is this different.

Generally, if you have a relationship with a person with mental illness, A. They get help and B. They are not hurting you every 5 minutes.

Therein lies the difference (and where the unwarranted guilt comes from).

You want to stay out of contact, you want to focus on your healing and your peace of mind and take care of your Son. You know that if you get involved in all this, that won't be the case.

My point being, alcoholism is a "thing" that lashes out at you, that drags you in and tries to destroy you (just like it does the alcoholic). Sorry if that sounds over-dramatic, but it's how I see it.

It's also a proven fact that everyone involved with an alcoholic is affected by it.

Yes, he is trying to seek recovery, but he has been at it all of 10 minutes so the chances of you being hurt here are great. Yes he needs support but as Hawkeye said, he has a ton of support.

You need your own support network, SR, your friends and how about therapy or Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, are there any in your area? Even a single Mothers group.

I think you are making the wise decision. You do absolutely need to protect yourself.
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Old 02-01-2020, 06:30 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I agree Trailmix. Itís sad his family are so dysfunctional they cannot see the wood from the trees and have always felt comfortable blaming me for his behaviour rather than looking in the mirror and allowing him to take responsibility for his own actions.
All my dreams and wants for our future were crushed long ago when I was pregnant and he ramped up his drug use rather than sort it out. He begged me for a child and I wanted my son also and promised he would be supportive and a great parent. Isnít hindsight a wonderful thing...
I accepted this would never be the case pretty quickly but it still hurts and this has brought all the wounds to the surface again.
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Old 02-01-2020, 09:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Absolutely. He has a family that is probably exhausted from years of this, probably over enmeshed in his problems that are looking for ANY solution.

They haven't yet learned that just because he says I need this or that does not make it true.

He calls them crying saying all I need is Missmac, I love her and our Son and she wont speak to me and what have I done and quack quack quack.

We know this is just him grasping at straws, hoping that something external will fix whatever is wrong on the inside.

They look at that and think if SHE would just this and that and support him and and and, all would be well. They are forgetting two things. One, that this probably isn't the first time he has said - if just this that or whatever, I could quit! Also that you are a grown up person with your own life, your own responsibilities and a Son to look after and maybe you aren't willing to get on that particular bandwagon.

So what they think of all this in their desperation to "fix" him (which they can't) is truly not your burden.

He has family and he has a staff of people, a place to stay, therapy, trained individuals to help, a structured environment and nothing to do but look after himself.

If he chooses that, that's great. If not, that's on him, not you or the family (although they will probably blame you).

It's truly ridiculous. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. If you could, he would already be sober.
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Old 02-01-2020, 12:08 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Trailmix thatís so so true! I wish they got it! But not my business either way. I will continue to stand firm with my choice of no contact and mind my own side of the street. Thanks for all the support you all rock! I donít know where I would be without the wisdom here
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Old 02-01-2020, 12:24 PM   #14 (permalink)
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If him seeking recovery is conditional on contact with you, then he isn't seeking recovery at all.
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Old 02-01-2020, 02:30 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Yeah I donít even believe that anyway, he just wants the comfort of having that as a security.
Plenty of time before to go to rehab or use the outpatient services properly but never did.
Heís called another 5 times tonight and Iíve let it ring out.
Its difficult but I know Iím doing the right thing. I promised myself I would start being more caring towards my needs this year and Iíve spent years being loyal to him and made not one bit of difference so wouldnít make any difference this time either.
At least he has to confront the reality of what his behaviour has caused
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Old 02-01-2020, 02:35 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Good for you to let it ring out!

You need to take care of YOU.
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Old 02-01-2020, 03:46 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I have had another one of family text me telling me heís trying to speak to me. Itís making so anxious now. At the end of the day I canít even believe they are interfering so much.
Heís only been there 3 days itís ridiculous. I never hear from them any other time. They could care less about me or my son and donít bother at all other than to slag me off behind my back and blame me.
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Old 02-01-2020, 04:55 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Block them
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Old 02-02-2020, 04:07 AM   #19 (permalink)
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I am guessing here but his family probably would rather have this big mess of problems dumped on your door step then on theirs.
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Old 02-02-2020, 04:35 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
I am guessing here but his family probably would rather have this big mess of problems dumped on your door step then on theirs.
Exactly
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