Help me process this please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Yes I think that they would like me to do as he asks as if he fails they can blame me instead of him and face up to the fact that the choices are his and his alone.
Our son is only 2 and he’s got a horrible sickness bug just now so all my time is spent this weekend.
I explained to my ex weeks ago when I last saw him straight about the fact that it’s great he has the opportunity to go to rehab if he’s serious but I will not be taking part in it or anything as I have too many responsibilities to take care of and ultimately all of this was his doing and his choices and sometimes I wouldn’t mind a 3 month break to have some therapy and reassess my life and get some help, but you know someone’s got to keep everything going.
That sounds petty and childish I know.
I’m pretty sure he told his family that I didn’t want him to go as a way of trying to get out of it and get sympathy in his corner which is why they will be reacting like this too
Our son is only 2 and he’s got a horrible sickness bug just now so all my time is spent this weekend.
I explained to my ex weeks ago when I last saw him straight about the fact that it’s great he has the opportunity to go to rehab if he’s serious but I will not be taking part in it or anything as I have too many responsibilities to take care of and ultimately all of this was his doing and his choices and sometimes I wouldn’t mind a 3 month break to have some therapy and reassess my life and get some help, but you know someone’s got to keep everything going.
That sounds petty and childish I know.
I’m pretty sure he told his family that I didn’t want him to go as a way of trying to get out of it and get sympathy in his corner which is why they will be reacting like this too
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
Missmac, you are not the only person to have said they would like that 3 month break to reassess their lives and get support and care!
It's real. This is what happens in relationships with addicts many times. It's not just during rehab, it's all the time isn't it? The addict will be out partying and the sober parent is at home looking after the child.
Addict is out scoring, responsible person is at home.
The relationship is crumbling and who is looking after everything?
That's a lot to take on and a lot of stress. Less stressful when the addict is not around!
Now, to want a break and help processing all that seems normal to me, unfortunately things aren't set up like that unless you have thousands of dollars to go to a retreat.
So all anyone can do is look for support wherever that is available.
It's real. This is what happens in relationships with addicts many times. It's not just during rehab, it's all the time isn't it? The addict will be out partying and the sober parent is at home looking after the child.
Addict is out scoring, responsible person is at home.
The relationship is crumbling and who is looking after everything?
That's a lot to take on and a lot of stress. Less stressful when the addict is not around!
Now, to want a break and help processing all that seems normal to me, unfortunately things aren't set up like that unless you have thousands of dollars to go to a retreat.
So all anyone can do is look for support wherever that is available.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
This is a person who figuratively stabbed your heart multiple times. The expectation that you should be the one to help him is quite frankly unrealistic.
I also think that by calling you he is setting himself up for failure. He knows that he's hurt you - so he's turned to the one person guaranteed to say "I've had enough." He might as well be asking help from a brick wall. And even if you did talk to him, all it would be would be slapping a bandaid on a gaping wound so he could pretend everything was alright. He could convince himself "Hey, what I did wasn't so bad because MissMac still talks to me! I don't need to be in rehab because she loves me and all I need is her support to get me through." Don't be his PR stooge.
I once taught a former heroin addict who only got clean once he realized that his grandchildren no longer wanted to speak to him. When I met him, they still weren't speaking to him, but he was trying his darndest to recover so he would be ready for them when THEY were ready. He realized he had no right to dictate the terms after what he did to hurt them. When I think of recovery, I think about D, and I really hope that he got there.
PS. I'm not saying that refusing to talk to him will influence the outcome. It's still totally on him. However, you need to assess if he's ready to be a parent to your son - and it is your son that is the priority. And it should be your AH's too - regardless whether or not you support him.
I also think that by calling you he is setting himself up for failure. He knows that he's hurt you - so he's turned to the one person guaranteed to say "I've had enough." He might as well be asking help from a brick wall. And even if you did talk to him, all it would be would be slapping a bandaid on a gaping wound so he could pretend everything was alright. He could convince himself "Hey, what I did wasn't so bad because MissMac still talks to me! I don't need to be in rehab because she loves me and all I need is her support to get me through." Don't be his PR stooge.
I once taught a former heroin addict who only got clean once he realized that his grandchildren no longer wanted to speak to him. When I met him, they still weren't speaking to him, but he was trying his darndest to recover so he would be ready for them when THEY were ready. He realized he had no right to dictate the terms after what he did to hurt them. When I think of recovery, I think about D, and I really hope that he got there.
PS. I'm not saying that refusing to talk to him will influence the outcome. It's still totally on him. However, you need to assess if he's ready to be a parent to your son - and it is your son that is the priority. And it should be your AH's too - regardless whether or not you support him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
So last night my front door opened and in he walked! Saying he couldn’t hack it he was hating it, learned he needs to stick to a program outside and is getting clean but not there.
I told him that sounds like a wobble and get on the phone to them in the morning and go back and get doing it. He was straight, had money on him and I let him sleep on the couch to save him going to his toxic family where the drugs are on the condition he is going back to the rehab tomorrow.
So today he went away to see his case manager and no idea what’s happened since but I noticed he’s left a bag of his stuff in my house.
He said he knew going back was probably the best thing but I sense that he’s again not ready really, not 100% committed.
Thinks out patient will work when he’s never engaged in it before properly. What a mess, but it’s his mess.
I has my own stuff with work to attend to today so just noticed that he hadn’t taken it with him. His family were calling me and texting which I have still just ignored.
Im annoyed and disappointed but thankfully not affected that much. I hope he has gone back but if not that’s on him.
I realise I shouldn’t have let him stay on the couch but I thought he was vulnerable with tolerance etc and it was late etc and we know that there is drugs at his mums and felt like the right thing to do to allow him a safe place even if at my expense 🙄
arrrrrrrgghhhhh!!!
I told him that sounds like a wobble and get on the phone to them in the morning and go back and get doing it. He was straight, had money on him and I let him sleep on the couch to save him going to his toxic family where the drugs are on the condition he is going back to the rehab tomorrow.
So today he went away to see his case manager and no idea what’s happened since but I noticed he’s left a bag of his stuff in my house.
He said he knew going back was probably the best thing but I sense that he’s again not ready really, not 100% committed.
Thinks out patient will work when he’s never engaged in it before properly. What a mess, but it’s his mess.
I has my own stuff with work to attend to today so just noticed that he hadn’t taken it with him. His family were calling me and texting which I have still just ignored.
Im annoyed and disappointed but thankfully not affected that much. I hope he has gone back but if not that’s on him.
I realise I shouldn’t have let him stay on the couch but I thought he was vulnerable with tolerance etc and it was late etc and we know that there is drugs at his mums and felt like the right thing to do to allow him a safe place even if at my expense 🙄
arrrrrrrgghhhhh!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,636
I actually understand why you did this. No harm no foul right?
But now i'm thinking, he has no intention of going back if he left his bag there. Maybe he is talking to his case manager about outpatient, that's fine but where will he stay? Hopefully a sober house at least.
What if that is the case, you aren't offering accommodation then?
But now i'm thinking, he has no intention of going back if he left his bag there. Maybe he is talking to his case manager about outpatient, that's fine but where will he stay? Hopefully a sober house at least.
What if that is the case, you aren't offering accommodation then?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Yes he got his stuff last night and has a place to stay and is doing out patient. Still saying all the stuff has a journal he’s written all the things he’s going to focus on daily and has a meeting to go to.
Im feeling fine and have (as I had previously) accept his recovery is on him and not my business and I’m not invested.
Im feeling fine and have (as I had previously) accept his recovery is on him and not my business and I’m not invested.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Two things.
I am a single mom to two children. If I can do it, anyone can!
The other thing is that when my XAH went to rehab, he called me all the time, it was ridiculous. Of course, I always answered and listened, and encouraged, etc. Honestly, I should have put all that focus on myself and my children. He was the one in rehab with all the tools to be well, or not. What I should have done is get out of his way and let him deal with things himself.
Lesson learned. I am divorced now, but looking back, I would have definitely said absolutely no contact while he was in rehab.
I am a single mom to two children. If I can do it, anyone can!
The other thing is that when my XAH went to rehab, he called me all the time, it was ridiculous. Of course, I always answered and listened, and encouraged, etc. Honestly, I should have put all that focus on myself and my children. He was the one in rehab with all the tools to be well, or not. What I should have done is get out of his way and let him deal with things himself.
Lesson learned. I am divorced now, but looking back, I would have definitely said absolutely no contact while he was in rehab.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 88
Thanks Hopeful you sound a really strong woman. Your absolutely right. I don’t even think they register the burden they try to place on us.
So important to be there for ourselves and those who need us because they are there for us to.
Its such a strange situation as it goes against all we hoped for all these years! But the mind has learned that recovery is unlikely even if if a short while, will it last .... you get so used to just listening to the same old chat that you just nod and say the right things but it’s just lip service.
A journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone but I have learned to be stronger than I ever thought possible and have achieved a greater sense of self awareness than I ever thought possible and for that I am grateful
So important to be there for ourselves and those who need us because they are there for us to.
Its such a strange situation as it goes against all we hoped for all these years! But the mind has learned that recovery is unlikely even if if a short while, will it last .... you get so used to just listening to the same old chat that you just nod and say the right things but it’s just lip service.
A journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone but I have learned to be stronger than I ever thought possible and have achieved a greater sense of self awareness than I ever thought possible and for that I am grateful
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: England
Posts: 37
MissMac,
I just want to let you know I understand. The father of my two children, with whom I separated many years ago, has continued to spiral further down it to addiction. It really gets to me, so much, how he is swanning around getting high all the while my kids basically have no father as he is just a drug fiend with hardly any interest at all in them anymore.
I don't want him near my kids, all he does is make them feel bad anyway, but it hurts me so much that my kids don't have a dad to be proud of, it hurts when I see other dads with their kids, looking happy and having fun, dads to BE proud of. It gets me so angry that he is so selfish, and when I struggle on my own with my boys, I despise him.
He wasn't on drugs when we met, he was a good man, it makes it even worse for me as I saw who he was and I see who he is now. I'm embarrassed, for me and my kids. Honestly, I would NEVER have imagined this would happen. He was an amazing dad for their first few years.
Unfortunately I know how this goes, I was so uneducated and ended up leaving their dad and then getting pulled into a relationship with a much more advanced addict. I didn't know what had hit me but I have learnt so much.
Of course people can quit, many people do, but look at the wider picture. They have to really, really want it, and with an enabling family? Unfortunately I don't rate his chances much.
I have found the best way for me is to just suck it up and accept it for what it is. On the very rare occasion I get contact from one of the ex's, I will politely reply but not continue the conversation. I don't contact them, and if there is an element of need or want in their communication I politely decline. I just realise it's something I can't control and all I did was make myself very poorly in stressing about it all for years. Sure I still think about it all a hell of a lot, hence the reason I am here. It just fascinates me how the brain works, and can be sabotaged.
I understand your resentfulness and I feel it too now and again, but there is nothing more we can do than accept the way things turned out, move on and take comfort in knowing we were lucky enough to never have been sucked into the addiction with them.
IC.
I just want to let you know I understand. The father of my two children, with whom I separated many years ago, has continued to spiral further down it to addiction. It really gets to me, so much, how he is swanning around getting high all the while my kids basically have no father as he is just a drug fiend with hardly any interest at all in them anymore.
I don't want him near my kids, all he does is make them feel bad anyway, but it hurts me so much that my kids don't have a dad to be proud of, it hurts when I see other dads with their kids, looking happy and having fun, dads to BE proud of. It gets me so angry that he is so selfish, and when I struggle on my own with my boys, I despise him.
He wasn't on drugs when we met, he was a good man, it makes it even worse for me as I saw who he was and I see who he is now. I'm embarrassed, for me and my kids. Honestly, I would NEVER have imagined this would happen. He was an amazing dad for their first few years.
Unfortunately I know how this goes, I was so uneducated and ended up leaving their dad and then getting pulled into a relationship with a much more advanced addict. I didn't know what had hit me but I have learnt so much.
Of course people can quit, many people do, but look at the wider picture. They have to really, really want it, and with an enabling family? Unfortunately I don't rate his chances much.
I have found the best way for me is to just suck it up and accept it for what it is. On the very rare occasion I get contact from one of the ex's, I will politely reply but not continue the conversation. I don't contact them, and if there is an element of need or want in their communication I politely decline. I just realise it's something I can't control and all I did was make myself very poorly in stressing about it all for years. Sure I still think about it all a hell of a lot, hence the reason I am here. It just fascinates me how the brain works, and can be sabotaged.
I understand your resentfulness and I feel it too now and again, but there is nothing more we can do than accept the way things turned out, move on and take comfort in knowing we were lucky enough to never have been sucked into the addiction with them.
IC.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
This, this, this!
You should be proud of yourself. It takes a lot of internal work to get to this place. Big hugs!
You should be proud of yourself. It takes a lot of internal work to get to this place. Big hugs!
Originally Posted by Missmac35 
A journey I wouldn’t wish on anyone but I have learned to be stronger than I ever thought possible and have achieved a greater sense of self awareness than I ever thought possible and for that I am grateful
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
