My drug addicted ex boyfriend left me for someone else and I'm so confused
 

I'm not sure if I am in the right place for this but I have been reading all the forums and I see so many people who have gone through or are going through what I have and I thought maybe I could get some insight into things,. I will try to keep it as short as possible. I met my ex 3 yrs ago. We instantly hit it off and we seemed to have some kind of great chemistry..he was very upfront about his past, said he used to use drugs, had been in jail twice for drugs and had been married for 17 yes. One day he came home and she was gone and he was devastated.. early on there were signs, so many signs but like a lot of people I didn't want to see them.. the first year was rough. He started using again, if he ever stopped at all and it was a rollercoaster of emotions. One day he was crazy about me the next he was telling me I deserved better and I should leave him. Twice he called me because he was going to kill himself.. He finally admitted that he was using drugs would again.. He alternated between crack and heroin and for a while it got really, really bad.. The first time I saw him shoot heroin,was the night of my work Christmas party. He shot up in the car in front of me. I remember feeling so I'll, but by this point we had been together over a year and I was in love with him.. Things started to get better, he went on antidepressants, started counseling, found a job he liked and seemed happy.. As time went on, he seemed to open up. I got constant text messages every day, sometimes 50+ I got good morning texts, goodnight texts we started spending lots of time together. He made me feel beautiful and special and wanted and loved. But then he started to borrow money, first it was 200$ until payday, then it was 300$, then $700. He always paid me back but I was starting to drown in debt. I couldn't pay my bills and I was stressed all the time..we never really fought but anytime I said something he didn't like or disagreed with him or even if he thought I was being nasty he would end things with me. But after 3-4 days, I would get an apology and all would be fine. For the first year or so, I was never his girlfriend, said he was broken because of his wife and that he didn't care if I was with other men..Then about a year ago, he finally introduced me to his family as his girlfriend and said he was in love with me..he was still using but I had somehow gotten used to it. He would use in my house. He would alternate between crack and heroin but mostly crack. He would be at my house 3-4x a week and always did drugs. I never saw him straight ever. He knew how to manipulate the doctors, so he could keep getting his subs. He knew how many days he had to go without drugs, so he would pee clean.. I even started to go with him to meet his dealers. It became a normal thing.. our intimate time was electric and exciting and he would tell me how much he loved me. I always felt important and loved. In August, we started to talk about moving in together, he said he wanted to make sure he was clean before moving in because he didn't want to drag me down with him. Like most addicts, he always had remorse and guilt. We would make plans to do something with his family and he would be sick or would sleep all day or would just forget.. Then all of a sudden in October he very casually says, I am going to disapear in December. I questioned what that meant, he said I'm moving on in December and I won't be seeing you anymore..of course I cried for a few days because we ended things. And then the crazy rollercoaster started. One minute he would call like everything was normal then I wouldn't hear from him for days. Then it was I want to see you one last time before I go. This went on for over two months. My head was in a tailspin, I didn't know which end was up. Every time I saw him, he would just apologize and say he was sorry he didn't want to hurt me, he would cry and say if I had a choice wouldn't leave you but my past has caught with me and I have to move on..it was the most emotionally draining time..Then he did something he had never done, offered me drugs and because of the state I was in I said yes. I liked it, it made me forget the pain, and when we were high it was as if everything was going to be ok.. Every few days, I would get the I miss you text, can I see you one last time before I go. Then on New year's Eve after spending the whole night together, getting high and drunk, he says, we can't see each other anymore, I am moving on and it is best if we don't talk or see each other.. I thought it was another one more time conversation.It wasn't, three weeks and not a word except a text that said I am leaving tomorrow..Then one day, I am in the gas station and there he is pumping gas, but he didn't see me. So the next day I sent him a text that said you didn't have to lie, if you wanted it to be over you could of just said so. I then blocked his number. When I got home, he was waiting for me. Wanted to know what the text was all about, I said, I thought you were leaving. He said I did but I am back and I will be leaving again in a few weeks.. I said I'm sorry you felt you had to lie, he got all upset and said I didn't lie, I'm sorry I hurt you, I don't regret a minute if being with you blah blah. I said ok well I hope we can be friends,, his response, I can't be your friend, I have moved on to someone else.. well it was as if I had gotten punched in the stomach. I smiled, said ok, I wish you luck and walked away.. I spent two weeks crying every day, I feel like a fool. I believed he loved me, I thought everything was good, we were happy. I didn't/don't understand stand why he was so cruel. He knew he was leaving me for someone else but yet kept coming around..to make it worse, he blocked me on his phone. Saturday, he dropped a note in my door, that said, I have booked you on everything, do not try to contact me ever again.. sorry so much longer than I meant it to be.. But, I have to say I am a little broken right now. I was nothing but good to him, was always there for him no matter how bad thing's got, I stuck by him and he repays my kindness with leaving me for someone else, rubbing it in my face and then telling me to stay away from him.. I don't get how you can spend 3 yrs with someone and do that. Now I am just trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to figure out why he was so mean to me. I cry almost every day, not as bad as before but I still cry. I cry because I feel stupid, how could I have fallen for it. When I asked him why he said he was in love with me, if he wasn't, he said because it made you happy!! I am starting counseling next week to try and understand all this..I know drug addicts can manipulate but 3 yrs?? And then you walk away without a second glance.. it is going to take me a really long time to try and understand all this..if I ever can.

Hi Alex and welcome, sorry for what brings you here.

Your text was a little hard to read as it's all in one block without spacing! But I did read it all.

Of course you are hurt. It is going to take time to move past this for sure, several months probably. Over that time, as you process this and carry on with your life you will feel better, you really will.

So why did he do it and why did he lie? Impossible to say, however, keep uppermost in your mind that you were in a relationship with a meth/heroin user. These are not the most clear thinking or reliable people. Drugs alter the brain, he's not straight thinking at any time. Who knows what he's really cooked up?

I'm really glad to hear you are going to see a counsellor, face to face support is important too. You might also find Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings supportive as well.

You aren't stupid. If someone lies to you and shows you someone they are not, there is nothing you can do about it. Some people are good actors.

Which is not to say that he is. He may have been invested in your relationship but something has changed him or he is just fickle. You can't believe anything he says. He is a drug addict and a liar.

It may not seem like it right now but being away from him enables you to find better things in your life, you won't always feel like this, eventually you will be happy again.

His treatment of you was terrible. I hope you look in to why you allowed yourself to be treated badly. You deserve respect and kindness, you didn't receive either in that relationship.

You might find this thread in the friends and family of alcoholics forum worth reading:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-3-years.html

Hi AB

I also read your entire post.

I understand where you are today. Your story while unique to you is not unique to me. There are many similar stories here on SR. I have my own story here.

"Then he did something he had never done, offered me drugs and because of the state I was in I said yes. I liked it, it made me forget the pain, and when we were high it was as if everything was going to be ok"

My first concern is where you started using drugs with him. Both crack & heroin are extremely dangerous & highly addictive drugs. I cant tell from your post how long you were using them. Also cant tell if you were taking them IV. I don't know if you stopped using these drugs? I am wondering if your having residual issues from the drug use. I wouldn't be so concerned if you were smoking weed but IV crack and / or heroin use is an entirely different ballgame.

Hi Hard lesson,
I apologize for the confusing post, it was my first one and I'm still learning how to space and reply etc.. thank you for reading.

I did find myself both smoking crack and then he said I would get a better high if I shot it, which of course I did.. thankfully, once he walked away my drug use stopped. I only did it for a month or so.. I still can't believe I did it, I have never done any kind of drugs and anytime he offered, I always said no. I think he had me so confused and my emotions were out of wack. The constant "I'm leaving" one day and "I want to see you one more time" had my emotions in a tizzy because I did love him and couldn't understand why he was doing this to me..

In hind sight, if he loved me he would have never offered me drugs or continued to let me use them.. but I too must take responsibility, no one forced me to do it. This is why I am seeking counseling- to find out why, why did I do it, why did I allow it for so long..

I'm so glad I found this site, it is helping me to understand things by seeing that other people have explained the same.. thank you for the reply

Hi Trailmix,

I apologize for my very confusing post. I did it on my phone and it did not look as messy s it does now :(

Thank you for reading and replying. I am glad to be seeing these posts, I am not glad that others have to go through this, but seeing/hearing other people's experiences and words are helping me put things into perspective.

Your words ring true, he is a drug addict which makes him a liar. I guess I foolishly fell for the charm and the game. As I look back, I see the manipulation. At the time, I thought it was a sweet guy who loved and adored me, why else would he send 20 messages a day? But, you are right a drug addicts brain is altered and doesn't think right, he also suffered from bi-polar disorder.

I guess I thought that since he was so honest and open about his drug use that the rest of what he was saying had to be true :(

I guess the hardest thing to comprehend is that I would never have done such a mean thing to someone, I am not made that way. I feel as if he kept me hanging on until he got all that he could get from me. Once, he found someone else to get what he needed, I was no longer useful. But, as you say, he is a "drug addict".

The healing process is going to take some time. The counseling will help to not only understand the addict but the reason I allowed it to happen, I have to look inside myself. As sad as I am that he could walk away and not look back, I can see now that it is the best thing that he could have done for me. People keep saying that he will be back, who knows. All I know is, if he does come back, I want to be strong enough to not let him in..

Thank you so much for your words, this is really helping me.:tyou

AB

Just so you know no one should judge you for anything you have done. I hope I didn't make you feel that way. I am not judgmental & I don't want anyone to judge me.

But I was concerned when I read you started using these powerful drugs. If you stopped using them & feel zero need, then ok. But please stay far away from them. Not many get an IV taste for a month or so & get to walk away clean from the experience. If you are having any related issues please get help ASAP.

There is a saying - when in Rome do as the Romans do. I (like you) did as the Romans do. I didn't do the drugs but drank way too much with her. I did & went along with every other crazy dang thing maybe you can think of & then some. No one forced me to do any of it. Yet I did it. I think most here on SR at one point did as the Romans do at least to some extent.

Short answer as to why he did this to you - he is an active addict addicted to extremely powerful & mind altering drugs. He is just doing what addicts do. Hes doing what my addict (her) does.

Read up on IV crack & heroin addiction. You will find your answers concerning him. I had to do the same. Its ugly.

Yes seek out counseling to help unravel yourself. Also, if you stick around here on SR you will find tons of very good advice.

If you came away from this experience not addicted to crack or heroin then you are extremely fortunate. Please take this good fortune & run from this addict who had you injecting death into your veins. You've dodged many bullets with this person who supposedly loves you.

The best advice I can give you is to get away & stay away. Do whatever you have to do to make that happen.

Yes, I totally agree - run far far away from this guy, there is nothing good there for you.

There is a book that is often recommended around here, Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. I'm not saying you are codependent, I don't know that, of course, but there is a lot of information in there that you might find really helpful, including information about personal boundaries.

I am also glad that you were able to walk away from the drugs.

This guy is really odd in general, but not odd for an addict. His behaviour is erratic and damaging (to you and to others i'm sure). Yes, you are lucky he left. By now you could be a full blown addict living with some erratic guy, I think you know that is not a life you would choose if you were to really stand back and look at it.

He did do you a favour by leaving, but not really a "favour" - addictions are selfish - incredibly selfish. When an addict isn't drinking or injecting or snorting they are wondering where their next drink or etc are coming from. When they get that drug they are wondering how long it will last.

It's a horrible life and honestly you want no part of it. You sound like a compassionate and nice person.

I hope your counsellor is wonderful, I will be interested to hear what they advise.

I hope you will stick around SR as well and let us know how you are doing.

Oh and so you know, you can click on someone's name (above where their picture is or would be in a thread) and choose to view all their previous threads or posts.

Hi Trailmix


It is nice to see that I am not the only one who has experienced these things. It makes me sad, that other people have had to be damaged, like I was, but it is so nice that we can talk about it here. I can't talk about it to my friends, they would never understand. They keep telling me things like "get over it" and your better off without him. Easier said then done.

I keep going over it in my head, I suppose that is normal. I don't want to believe that it was all a lie but from what I can see here, this is normal for addicts.. You are right about the thinking about drugs, it was all he could think about. It consumed him. From the time he texted his dealer until he finally got his drugs, If the dealer said 30 min, he would be calling or texting after 31 minutes. It was crazy. The minute he got the drugs, he was happy as could be.

He definitely did do me a favor by leaving, he would have destroyed all that I have worked so hard for. I just wish the favor didn't have to include breaking my heart. I wish he had done me a favor sooner or I had been smart enough to walk away early on. But as they say, love is blind...boy is it :)

Thank you for the book suggestion, and for helping me learn how to use this space, I am definitely going to stick around, it is helping me heal and maybe someday my story can help someone else..

Yes you're right, everyone who contributes their experience and ideas is really valuable!

Yes, your friends and family probably don't understand unless they have been through this.

Also the substance abuse forum isn't as busy as the friends and family of alcoholics forum, so you may want to check out some of the threads there as well as addiction is addiction!

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

There is a stickies section at the top of each forum, you might find some of these threads, from the F&F of alcoholics stickies helpful as well:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Hi Hardlessons

Oh no, I did not feel judged by you at all :) I appreciate the concern over the drug use. Believe me, I look back and think what was I thinking? I have never done drugs, ever and OMG the money I spent.

It is nice to know that I am not the only one that has gone down that road, with their loved one's. Not that I wish that life on any one but I feel so much better knowing other people have had the same experiences. Like you, no one forced me to do any of it. He never did, it was my choice. I thought I was helping to keep him safe by going on the drug runs.

When he would call or text me desperately because he was "sick" and starting to kick, I thought giving him the money was helping him. I loved him so deeply, that I just wanted to make it better. In the end, it almost destroyed my life.

Thank you for letting me say that I tried the drugs, the shame of it has been eating me up inside. My friends and family would be so disappointed in me. I think to myself what if something had happened to me, who would take care of my 18 yr old, how would he ever get over my death.. Someone was definitely looking out for me.

I think the one thing that kept bothering me was, why did he leave me for her, what does she have that I don't. I think that is normal. But, then I think, oh sister, you can have him. He will not be any different with her than he was with me and after he destroys her life, he will go on to someone else.

I am SO happy I found you all...Thank you!!!!

AB

I give you a lot of credit for talking about using those drugs. It took courage to say it. I don't believe you need to be ashamed of anything in your post.

When I read what you wrote about using those drugs for a month or so it strangely made me think about my addict. She started using IV heroin at age 15 with her then BF. He was already an addict. She told me how wonderful & magical injecting heroin felt to her back then.

She wasn't as fortunate as you were. She became wickedly addicted within a month. Once that train kick started with her, it has never stopped. A lot of bad has happened to her since then. You can be extremely thankful you didn't travel down her addicted road.

Whoever our addicts end up with are in for a world of hurt. From my experience they are most comfortable with other addicts. Those relationships are also ticking time bombs which explode for many reasons including high stress financial ones. But this is not the important part. This is just more about them.

The important part is what are you going to do with your life from here?

HL,

Thank you for the support, saying that I tried the drugs out loud was a relief, I have been keeping it inside to ashamed to tell anyone. The worst part was for that little bit of time I liked the feeling but I can see how people can fall down that rabbit hole very quickly and how it can take over your life. I was very very lucky. No cravings, no jonesing, no thoughts about getting high. I have no desire to ever do that again.

I never could or will understand the use of Heroin. I used to watch my ex spend 30-40 minutes just trying to find a vein to shoot into. He would try and bleed and try again. His hands would swell up, and he couldn't stop, wouldn't stop until he succeeded. And then what, he would become lethargic and sleepy and nod out. But you are right, once you get on that train it is hard to get off. My ex lost three people in a year to heroin overdoses.

I am sorry that your ex put you through so much. It is terrible when we love them so much and we think we are helping but we can't help unless they want help, all we can do is try and help ourselves..This space has helped me immensely, just to know I am not alone.

I am still sad and confused and sometimes angry at the way he handled things but I know that I did nothing wrong, except give my love to someone who isn't capable of loving me in the way I need. I realize now from seeing all the posts, that I kept wondering what was wrong with me, that he would leave me for her. But you are right, the next girl he goes to will have to endure the same as me, he is who he is and that relationship in time will explode.

I think the best thing we can do for ourselves, is to take care of ourselves. Focus on the good things we have in life. I am going to start counseling and work on being a better me so that someday I will be open to the right person in my life.

I am getting ready to make a major move from NY to SC in the next few months and I am going to focus on that new chapter..What about you? What is next? Have you moved on from the pain she caused you? I hope so...

Thank you so much for making me feel so much better about this. I can breathe a little better now :)

AB

You definitely seem to have a very good & upbeat attitude going for you. Its definitely important.

I wish you the best of luck with your major move & new chapter in your life. I hope it all works out well for you.

Yeah at times we all feel sad, confused, angry etc. It softens with time. For example down the road you might get angry but not as angry as you once did.

My story isn't new. Its been going on now for many years. Yes over all the years, she caused a lot of pain for me. But I am also responsible. It takes two to tango. I no longer have & do not want a front row seat to any of it. I no longer tango with her. But its still very difficult to hear about destruction even if you are not right there with them.

I have a very busy professional work life. I stay very focused on it. So I guess other than my major situation with her I don't have other major or difficult problems in life.

Just have the one sociopath addict terminator problem. LOL

Hi Aries-
Thank you for your kind words. You are right, nothing or no-one will ever come before his addiction. Before this experience I knew nothing about drugs or addiction but now that I know, I will never go down that road again.

It is a very, very hard life and I do not wish that pain on anyone :(

I think with time and clarity and the help of all the wonderful people on this forum, I will heal and move on to a life that is good for me.

You have not been on since 2020. I'm wondering how you are doing now....although it seemed 2 days after you wrote your post you were already saying if he came back you would not let him in.....

I'm wondering if he ever tried to come back.

My story is so similar to yours with the exception that I was with my boyfriend for 8 years....and dropped out of the blue by a text telling me he was blocking me because we were in the middle of an argument and I did not return 2 of his calls. He then told me he had moved on to someone else. I am crushed...this was about 3 days ago.

I never gave in and did the drugs with him...however, I am an alcoholic...the first 2 years I was with him I did not drink and hadn't for 8 years before that....but I was so sick of him using and begging him to stop that I said to him....wanna see someone get f*cked up? And I drank.

Replacing me with the other girl thing was the hardest part for me since i put up with so much sh*t for the past 8 years and loved him so much. I dont want to see her or compare her to me...I don't want to know what they are up to....but I was trying to call him and flip out about not getting a sit down conversation about our breakup and just a text after 8 years.

A few days ago I wanted to commit suicide over this....I was drinking myself to death...I was finding roundabout ways to leave messages on his phone using the random text apps we have access to. Then yesterday I noticed by using one of those apps NOW he has changed his number.

Then I realized...he has manipulated me from the start...and like you said...once I was used up...or he was bored of me he has moved on to someone else.

I really believe the only reason he hung on to me was because his family (we are in our 50's) liked me a lot, kept asking for me if I was not around, wanted us to get married...we seemed the perfect match and we were minus our addictions. I always felt like he would never leave me because like you I was understanding of his addiction...I was a good catch for him...I had a good job....but I left that job...to spend all my time with him as I was infatuated. I did find out why...because I am co-dependent.

Wondering if you see this if you can let me know how you are doing now and if you yourself ever figured out why you got sucked into that mess.