Tropicsun

Hi all, sorry in advance for the long post.

First time posting here but have read a lot and it's been helping quite a bit.

I have been with my boyfriend from the time I was 19 to 2 months ago.. about to turn 26 now. So about 6 years in total. We were neighbors and moved in together a year after we met. After about a month of living together, my boyfriend started smoking heroin. I tried it with him but after 3 days felt sick and never did it again. He continued smoking it and didn't disclose he was addicted until a few months later. He was addicted to opiates and had an entire secret life for about 2 years of our relationship. He finally got on suboxone and was able to get off soboxone maybe 2 years later. After he got off suboxone, he started seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed him valium. You can only guess where that went. He developed a pretty severe benzo addiction.

He went on this guys fishing trip and came back and broke up with me out of the complete blue. He was very bipolar about it. I wanted to have a discussion and he would scream at me for even thinking about talking about it. He kept saying he needs to find himself and that he is lost and depressed and doesn't see any future for himself. He kept saying to me it doesn't have to be the end if that's not what I want but he needs time and space. No reassurance that he loves me and wants a future with me. After 6 years together. I moved out in 24 hours.

The first month after separating physically, I tried to love him from a distance. Sending him texts saying I hope he's okay. We did meet up once but he was like a gray blob. No emotion, nothing. I couldn't get anything out of him. He told me he was scared he would drag me down. A week later I tried to get a hold of him to get the rest of my stuff and he blew up at me again saying I haven't given him enough space and that I need to wait for him to reach out when he's ready.

He then saw my best friend at a gas station and told her hes over me, moved on, that our relationship was over for a long time. All this ********. He never said any of this to me or ever told me it was officially over. I then sent him a long goodbye message acknowledging his feelings and our relationship overall. I loved him so much and have spent such a long time with him and he couldn't even be honest with me. He never replied. Its been 1 month without contact, 3 weeks since i said goodbye.

I have spent the last 2 months trying to understand where he's coming from, trying to understand how he feels about me, just trying to make sense of all of this. More than anything I just want to talk things through. I don't think anyone actually understands because no one I know has ever loved an addict and I'm trying to factor this into everything. I wanted to post on here because maybe other people here will understand where he's coming from. I really want to talk to him and check on him, I'm worried he's using heroin again, but I don't want him to scream at me. I've been there for him every step of the way and have tried so hard to support him and this is how he treats me in the end.

Leopol

Hi tropicsun,

I’m sorry to read all this but you’ve come to the right place. Of all the friends on this forum I am pretty new to this thing also, recently left a relationship with an ex suffering from addiction. Most on here know the drill and although very painful and very devastating, the non emotional moving on and saying extremely hurtful things from their side is something that is so common. I just want to let you know you’re not alone and we get it. Try to detach by focusing on you and doing things that make you happy , this may seem like an impossible job right now but you really need to take care of yourself. Read on this forum and keep writing to express your feelings. Some advice that helped me from here is making a list of everything that happened that was bad, reading literature on addiction and also codependency and attachment styles. Try to remember through your pain that this has nothing to do with you. You are an important and good person, often times an addict will not be able to see this because they are caught up in their own battle. Don’t measure your self worth according to how he treats you. It will get better in time. Closure or talking things through may seem like a good idea now but just try to remember that addicts are not rational and/or empathetic so whatever you want to get out of that talk you most likely won’t get it. And trust me I understand the searing devastating pain of this. Cry, walk, read, vent. Your healing really needs to be independent of them, you will not get your needs met by someone who is sick. Try to give yourself what you want your ex to give you. It’s the only way to make sure you’re not disappointed. Sending love and light and a big hug to you.

Ps. theres a thread that just got bumped on the friends and family of alcoholics called rejected by the reject, this really helped me and if you haven’t read it already give it a go!!

zoso77

Tropicsun...

Leopol wrote a lot of good stuff, and hopefully that provides some comfort to you.

As for trying to understand where he's coming from, I wouldn't spend a lot of time doing that. The reason is you're operating on one plane, and he's operating on another, which is a place where accountability and rational, responsible behavior do not exist. His behavior only makes sense when viewed through the prism of addiction. I know that's hard to understand right now because you're hurting, and it's both normal and OK to feel that. But that's not going to last forever. For what it's worth, I've been clear of my AXGF for over a decade, and life's never been better. There's nothing stopping you from getting to that place as well.

Tropicsun

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and respond to my post. It's been 2.5 months now and my heart still hurts everyday and I am still praying just to talk to him again. It's hard for my brain to fathom that you can be with someone for 6 years and all of the sudden it's just done, no conversation, nothing. I keep thinking the grey fog will leave and he will realize how much I meant to him. Which is why my hope hasn't gone away and I haven't moved on. It's nice to know that I am not alone. Although his behavior is not justified, it's comforting knowing that it is on par with other addicts and that it most likely has nothing to do with me. Even though I don't feel worthy now, I know I am strong enough to work on what internally is making me feel that rather than associating with how he feels about me. Thank you again for your response.

Leopol

Tropicsun, his behavior towards you really makes me want to scream. 6 years is such a long time to have shared with someone and to have him just throw it away like garbage is unfair and beyond cruel. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I’m glad you write that you know you’re strong and you are 10000% right about that. I sincerely believe partners or ex partners of addicts are so strong and so beautiful in ways because we see through the addiction and sometimes we even think we can take it on. It takes a whole lot of courage and a whole lot of selflessness to enter into such a dynamic or to stay in one. Unfortunately the science behind addiction has proven over and over again that the dopamine released from their choice of substance is 10 times more powerful than the love or bond we share with them. It’s a battle where the odds are stacked against us. Have you looked into trauma bonds? For me I really felt like I missed my ex so much but my therapist said that it’s normal and can also be the chemicals from the trauma bond. Either way if he does choose to live a life in recovery somewhere down the line it’s important that you also take this time apart from him to heal and become healthy again. Lying, manipulation, abandonment, they’re not normal relationship dynamics… we tend to get so caught up with addictive behaviors that we normalize them in our romantic relationships. Praying is good tropicsun, I hope it gives you some peace while you are on your own path. God knows I prayed a lot as well. I was on my knees a lot of times!! What have you done since the breakup for you? Are you eating healthy? Getting enough exercise? Giving yourself happiness in small things? You deserve it!

also how are you doing today? And I mean really brutally honest doing?

Tropicsun

I have been struggling the past week after finding this forum. I have never seen him as an addict. I've only ever seen him as him.. with an addiction problem. I've only seen him through my rose colored glasses of my boyfriend who has been my whole world and has made me feel so safe for the past 6 years. But you are right, his behavior is the same as every other addict I've read about on this forum. He has been manipulating me for so long. He has verbally abused me our entire relationship, even before the drugs. I guess there was never a before.. because when I met him he had just gotten off steroids. He has never actually been sober. I didn't really count the benzos because in my mind, it wasn't heroin. Even knowing all of this, I still miss him and it makes me hate myself. For almost 3 months now I have been praying for him to reach out and show that he cares about me in the slightest. I could never just shut someone out of my life like he has. But I have been experiencing actual feelings whereas he is just experiencing the grey cloud of benzos. He can't experience any feelings and he will never realize how much I loved him until one day (maybe) when he is off of them. I really hope I can get over this hump of yearning for him to contact me.
I have been trying to eat healthy. Unfortunately, when i am sad, i spend a lot of money so that has caused me extra stress. I only have a couple of friends but have been trying to see them. I got a new, higher paying job. I have a membership at a yoga studio and have been working out almost everyday. I've gone on two trips since he left me. Got a new place to live. Was accepted into a graduate certificate program. I have always had a life outside of him. I have always been strong in what I want and have had big goals for myself. I just always wanted him by my side for everything. I am definetly battling myself.

Tropicsun

Thank you for your response. I have been sitting with your comment. I think the fact that this has been the longest relationship I've ever had makes it difficult to factor in his behavior being attributed to his addiction. I think his behavior has been normal to me for so long that I thought it was just another relationship. That's why it'd been so difficult to talk to people because they take his words as truth. He has gone from saying it doesn't have to be over if I don't want it to... to its been over for a super long time and he's moved on and he didnt tell me that bc he felt bad. And making me look like a fool to my best friend. But I realize someone who is healthy would know how they feel and would be able to communicate that directly to me. When you look at it through the lens of addiction, it is just continued manipulation. Someone who loves and cares for you will be honest with you, no matter how hard it hurts. I don't think he knows what love is though.

zoso77

Well...love is a lot of things. It's not exclusively romantic, and when you allow for that, another way to look at someone in addiction is they're incapable of absorbing the love we give them. What helped me understand addiction and the dysfunction that goes along with it was listening to mothers who had addict children and the impossible decisions they had to make. Those stories helped me put things in perspective.

When I look back at what life was like when my AXGF was in the picture, it's like a bad dream. It took me a fair amount of time to decouple my reason from my emotions. When we care for someone, we want to give them the benefit of the doubt and support them. But I learned along the way that it doesn't matter what we do for them. It's never enough, and a lot of times, they twist it and use it against us. Once I clearly saw my AXGF for what she really was, breaking and staying away was surprisingly easy. It was just a question of riding out the ensuing emotional storm.

Everyone's different. Different people heal at different rates. But at the core of surviving this is a commitment to take care of yourself and to not make decisions that undercut your recovery. I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying you won't have bad days, because you most certainly will. What I am saying is you can get through this and come out the other side, hopefully wiser as a result.

Leopol

Dear Tropicsun, give yourself some grace. You loved him, losing someone you love is never easy no matter the reason for it. Mourning a relationship of 6 years is more than Oke. Allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling. All the nasty emotions as well. It’s really difficult and scary to be in this situation, fear plays a large part. The yearning for him to reach out is normal, don’t beat yourself up about it. Although not a healthy relationship, It probably wasn’t 100% all bad. You miss him. Allow yourself to miss him. But also remember very firmly and strongly that you are worthy of respect and honesty and a partner who cherishes you. For me I made that a clear boundary (I cut a line in the sand at the beach for extra dramatic purposes). After no contact for a few weeks my ex started calling me and i wished he’d done that before but when that phone finally rang over and over and over again, I honestly had no intention of picking up. I realized slowly with time that as much as I’d like to have a conversation with him where he meets my emotional needs and we could talk like grownups it’s nothing but a fantasy. He will not be able to do that for the longest time because it takes a long long period of recovery for them to even remotely be able to do that. At least a year I think. The only thing that a conversation with my ex would do is hurt me more and potentially put me back right where I worked so hard to come from. You loved your ex to your best ability and that makes you beautiful, whether or not he ever sees that is not significant. You will realize this with time. He may realize it one day or he may not, but you know that you did and that’s important. I hope you will also realize with time that he’s got nothing to give you, I know it’s painful but it’s the truth. He’s not the answer to your heartbreak and he won’t make you happy. Perhaps a few years down the line but not now. It sounds like you are taking good care of yourself. Keep doing that and with time everything will become clearer and clearer. Sending love and hugs

ps. I so resonate with what you are saying about person with an addiction problem vs. addict. In essence it’s not that much different but when you’re IN the relationship it’s a lot harder to see things especially when you’re in love. I went from seeing my ex as a wild guy in a phase to someone with an association problem to someone with an addiction problem to full on addict. Still however I see the human side of him as well and I will always love him (from a very very far and safe distance with no contact )

Angrylove

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I have the same feelings of lost hope and grief. It truly brings a moment of relief, and even if it fades fast, I will take every second I can get!