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Old 01-21-2020, 09:40 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Meth User in Recovery Ended it and Blocked Me


I reconnected with an old friend who has been sober for 6 years and regularly attends meetings. We hit it off and were texting nonstop. I supported his attendance of meetings, and I wanted to do the 12 steps with him (I know, codependency). I battle an eating disorder and I'm in therapy.

He moved out of state yet I had a feeling he would move back closer to me. At any rate I had some time off from work so we agreed I'd fly up to visit him, and agreed on the date and time. I booked the ticket, and things went well for another week, but he kept saying he was worried that one of us would get hurt and that we should do this as "friends with benefits". But it was obviously more than "friends with benefits", and I told him that since we were having deep talks and he said he had feelings for me.

Then he got a little distant, said he was sick, wasn't finding work, and on New Years Eve just texted me that he was ending it with me, that we agreed one of us get hurt and it was most likely me, and he liked me and couldn't do that to me. Well I was and am hurt as I really liked him. I see memories of football games that we used to text during, and it all floods back. I think that I have to start from scratch yet again to find a man as a life partner, which is what my therapist wants for me.

You would think we could just still be friends. Why be so abrupt with the blocking? To me I feel like I'm some sort of psychopath with that. And now his close friend found out and wants to get physical with me with the similar frequent texting. I'm so raw that his friend is my only reminder of him.

Is there any hope that he'll return? Last year I dated a former cocaine user who blocked and unblocked me nonstop, so I don't want to go through that again. I just miss the meth user in recovery so much that it's ridiculously painful, even more painful than men I was with in real life.

It also sucks that I'm stuck with this plane ticket and charges for changing it. Why be so abrupt and block me?
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Old 01-21-2020, 12:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi helpful and welcome to SR, sorry for what brings you here.

Have you ever read a book by Melody Beattie called Codependent no More? It's often recommended here and you might find a lot of really good suggestions about boundaries etc that might help.

Why did he block you, well I think he was pretty clear that he is not in any place for a relationship right now. As for will he come back, who knows, but why would you want to see him really anyway?

It's kind of impossible to be "friends" only when you have had zero time away from the start of this "romantic" relationship you have. Sometimes people can strike up a friendship but that is normally after a period of time away to distance themselves from the feelings they once had.

I'm not sure how his friend is in the picture here but you might do well to stay away from a relationship like the one you just left?

Discussing all this with your therapist in detail is a really good idea and I'm glad you also have that kind of support, it takes time to get over a relationship and heal from it.
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Old 01-21-2020, 01:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I see memories of football games that we used to text during,

so you have memories of TEXTING not actually engaging in the actual activity itself. this IMHO is a huge part of the problem with relying on social media and gadgets to communicate. it's not REAL. if one of you was actually AT the game, then you were distracted FROM the game because your face was in your phone the whole time.

texting is not a relationship. texting non-stop is a big huge red flag.

getting to know people in real life takes TIME. i'd say slow your roll, stop texting and whatever with any non-attached single males, and get YOU sorted out first. you need to be present where your FEET are planted.
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Old 01-21-2020, 10:19 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi helpful and welcome to SR, sorry for what brings you here.

Have you ever read a book by Melody Beattie called Codependent no More? It's often recommended here and you might find a lot of really good suggestions about boundaries etc that might help.

Why did he block you, well I think he was pretty clear that he is not in any place for a relationship right now. As for will he come back, who knows, but why would you want to see him really anyway?

It's kind of impossible to be "friends" only when you have had zero time away from the start of this "romantic" relationship you have. Sometimes people can strike up a friendship but that is normally after a period of time away to distance themselves from the feelings they once had.

I'm not sure how his friend is in the picture here but you might do well to stay away from a relationship like the one you just left?

Discussing all this with your therapist in detail is a really good idea and I'm glad you also have that kind of support, it takes time to get over a relationship and heal from it.
Thank you for your response. I have read Codependent no More, yet I need to get it. I am also a Love Addict (not always those with addiction), as I am separated but still live with my husband due to children and financial reasons, so I seek a daily escape with men.

My therapist has been on leave since November, so I've been flying solo since then. Unfortunately most of this happened while she was on leave.

I guess the reason I would want to see him is because I feel horrible without him in my life, not even like I mentioned, to text to say the football team won. Or to get his daily texts about having feelings for me.

His friend doesn't want a relationship with me, he wants friends with benefits, but I set a boundary that I am still upset and need some space. But of course I'm so distraught that his friend is my only connection to him right now, and his friend is upset that I talk about him and not about a new FWB with him.
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Old 01-21-2020, 10:22 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I see memories of football games that we used to text during,

so you have memories of TEXTING not actually engaging in the actual activity itself. this IMHO is a huge part of the problem with relying on social media and gadgets to communicate. it's not REAL. if one of you was actually AT the game, then you were distracted FROM the game because your face was in your phone the whole time.

texting is not a relationship. texting non-stop is a big huge red flag.

getting to know people in real life takes TIME. i'd say slow your roll, stop texting and whatever with any non-attached single males, and get YOU sorted out first. you need to be present where your FEET are planted.
Well, the texting was because he's out of state, so we were unable to have a relationship in real life.

His friend is closer to have lunch and so forth as he's a couple of hours away, but I'm too raw for a friends with benefits relationship. Plus I don't feel the same about his friend.
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Old 01-22-2020, 03:27 PM   #6 (permalink)
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i re-read the OP and did some thinking......according to the now again former friend, HE said he was 6 years clean and sober off of meth, correct? but do you have any PROOF of that? it clicked for me that with all HIS texting he could have been high on meth the whole time, which would help account for texting like a fiend all the time. and also account for why the closer it got to you actually going to see him, he shut you down.

we can't believe everything someone tells us.

i'm curious why you were so "hooked" right away and preferred someone who was hundreds of miles away over friends and acquaintances in real life?

i do hope you steer clear of the friend's friend. that is just asking for trouble. don't let the need to have attention from a man cause you to make bad choices.
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Old 01-22-2020, 07:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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True, he could have been on meth, or he also abused alcohol and weed back then he said. I don't have any proof that he's been clean.

I've dated a lot in real life and have run into a lot of problems, mostly because I chose men a lot younger than me (20 years younger). I've struggled with dating men my age, and seemed to really "click" with him after all of these years. I've been to Al-Anon meetings so I know I suffer from codependency, so the more he texted, the more I texted, as it was a high for me to get every hit of a text from him.

His friend texts me good morning and good night every night, and talks about the guy, which makes me feel sad too. I'm going to stop talking to him as it just makes the pain worse.

You make a good point that the guy may have been using meth or drinking when he was texting me, and then realized that he agreed for me to book a plane ticket to see him. Now I'm stuck with the change fee, but it's a lesson learned not to jump so quickly to book a ticket to see him.
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Old 01-23-2020, 06:14 AM   #8 (permalink)
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while not pleasant, it's "good" that you are seeing these things now. we don't know what we don't know, or what we just aren't looking at. i particularly appreciate your insight here:

so the more he texted, the more I texted, as it was a high for me to get every hit of a text from him.

now is a good time to dive into what makes YOU tick. we can all change behaviors and habits, if we are motivated to do so. sometimes life helps out by giving us a little kick to get started.

you've mentioned codependency a few times. have you read Codependency No More? it is highly recommended. Alanon or other support groups can really help round out our path as well.
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Old 01-23-2020, 09:02 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Oh yes. I've read the book and I'm a love addict who gets highs from texting, and go to Al-Anon. My therapist is on leave, but before leave she wanted to delve into the texting thing more. It's not just with those with addictions. I get "hooked" on other men via texting where each text is a high, but not all men.

I have so much stuff including the big one - an eating disorder - that is fueled by male attention, that it is a challenge to go see the therapist and nutritionist, along with groups, etc. It's like a part time job on top of a full time job. The love addiction part I go to a web site, as SLAA meetings can be triggers where men 13 step.

Yes the texting here was intense and shows a red flag on my part. I just wish he didn't end it so quickly on New Years Eve and my daughter's birthday, and stick me with a plane ticket. Talk about a terrible day.

Is there hope to be friends, perhaps after some time? We share so many friends in common from high school that when photos or comment appear and his name is blanked out for me on Facebook, like he thinks I'm a crazy person.
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Old 01-23-2020, 10:52 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I think it is for the best--if he's cut you out of FB and gone No Contact, you really don't have a choice about being friends at this time.

As a "love" addict, it is hard to respect other's boundaries, but it is critical to do for your own recovery and out of respect for the other person.

Maybe try for more "real life" relationships after you do some more work on dealing with the multiple issues you've mentioned here.

A recovering and healthy you is more likely to find a solid and happy relationship with someone who respects and cares for you.

Wishing you the very best helpful. . .
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All the study in the world - and all the subjective hierarchies - won't get people sober. . .

Only action can do that."


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Old 01-23-2020, 06:27 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Well the last guy I was obsessed with lived in another state and we didn't text as much, but when I went to visit him he put me in the friend zone, which was fine. He cooked for me and treated me like a queen and allowed me to stay on a beautiful island with an oceanfront view.

He and I are still friends, which is why I am very hurt that the recovering meth addict just cut me off. But I only have his friend to ask if he open the friendship again. I'm sure over time I will get over the hurt and the withdrawal feelings of not having someone to text right now.

Yes, I need more in person relationships and not out of state texting relationships I have younger FWBs, but they are just for physical needs, not emotional needs.
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Old 01-23-2020, 10:10 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Is there any hope that he'll return?
Nope.
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Old 01-23-2020, 10:19 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Nope.
What makes you say nope?

Even the guy before him is friends with me, so that makes the separation anxiety easier.

Every time I think of the meth user I get a horrendous feeling in my chest. The pain is overwhelming.
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Old 01-24-2020, 04:50 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I meant about the "nope" by HeadEast is that in his "ending it" text to me he said if I would like to be friends great, if not then he understands.
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Old 01-24-2020, 05:46 AM   #15 (permalink)
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as a way to deal with your obsession with men and texting, have you considered getting rid of your smart phone, getting a good ole flip phone and thus cutting the head off the snake? as a former drug addict (among other things!), the only way i got clean and stayed clean was to put drugs OUT of my life permanently. i could no longer "feed the beast" and have any hope of recovery.
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Old 01-24-2020, 07:21 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Helpfultoothers, I was dating a meth addict that went to rehab about two months into our official relationship for a year and it was unstable. The last breakup just dealt me a huge blow and broke me apart. With the help from so many on this forum, I was able to take a step back from the craziness and look at everything, mostly myself. I truly believe it's time to put the loving focus on yourself, if you haven't been doing that, because you deserve and need that. Nurture yourself so that you can grow into the woman you want to be. Then before you know it, the right person will be finding you.

I completely understand about the heaviness in the chest as that's what I dealt with with my ex a lot. It's very difficult and tough, but just try to breathe through it.
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Old 01-24-2020, 09:04 AM   #17 (permalink)
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as a way to deal with your obsession with men and texting, have you considered getting rid of your smart phone, getting a good ole flip phone and thus cutting the head off the snake? as a former drug addict (among other things!), the only way i got clean and stayed clean was to put drugs OUT of my life permanently. i could no longer "feed the beast" and have any hope of recovery.
Hi Anvilhead,

I use a smartphone for work and this obsession started before smartphones were even invented. I've done the 12 steps of Love Addicts Anonymous numerous times and I've been been a sponsor.

I've gone no contact all men for 6 months 2 times now, as it's still been a problem. The biggest thing is I still live with my estranged husband who is mean to me, so my therapist says I overtext fall in love with other men as a way to avoid dealing with getting a divorce. Husband finally asked for a divorce last year, but we ran into some legal difficulties, so it's on hold. I just have to pull the bandaid and do it, even though it causes extreme anxiety as I'm tapering off of benzos now, too, per my psychiatrist. I have an extreme anxiety disorder, and worry that divorce will cause me to lose my job.

So it's something I really need to do yet again. Once I'm really on my own I won't be looking for an "escape" so to speak.
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Old 01-24-2020, 09:09 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Helpfultoothers, I was dating a meth addict that went to rehab about two months into our official relationship for a year and it was unstable. The last breakup just dealt me a huge blow and broke me apart. With the help from so many on this forum, I was able to take a step back from the craziness and look at everything, mostly myself. I truly believe it's time to put the loving focus on yourself, if you haven't been doing that, because you deserve and need that. Nurture yourself so that you can grow into the woman you want to be. Then before you know it, the right person will be finding you.

I completely understand about the heaviness in the chest as that's what I dealt with with my ex a lot. It's very difficult and tough, but just try to breathe through it.
In understand the instability, as I had a FWB for 4 years who was a cocaine dealer, and in and out of jail. Last year he would block and unblock me. The nonstop drama gave me a headache to say the least.

I'm glad I found the right place, if the people on the forum helped you stand back and look at yourself, which of course is why places like Al-Anon are helpful.

Thanks about the heaviness in the chest. I'll remember photos of how good looking both of them are and miss them, but that's just the outside. That doesn't explain the unexplained behavior and the craziness.
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Old 01-24-2020, 01:38 PM   #19 (permalink)
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If you choose drug addicts/alcoholics as partners, you can't expect to have any kind of a normal relationship, true? You should dismiss your expectation that an addict/alcoholic is somehow going to act like a non-addict.

The other thing is, taking a break from men for 6 months isn't really all that helpful unless you are doing the work, on yourself, to see that what you are doing is really destructive to yourself, don't you think?

It's like an addict taking a 6 month break from drugs then starting again, nothing has changed.

I'm not familiar with love addicts anonymous really but if you have done the steps twice and been a sponsor, maybe part of the solution lies elsewhere, like work on self esteem and self worth? Have you tried Nar Anon or Al Anon? They provide tools and information on boundaries in your life, you might find this really helpful.
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Old 01-24-2020, 07:22 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Well not all of them are drug/alcohol addicts. I would say the majority are not, yet it's the last year I got involved with 2 of them.

That's true. My therapist is working on self esteem, as I feel like I don't deserve someone good, and I can relate to those with their own issues. My husband puts me down nonstop, so it's not a good environment where I live downstairs and he lives upstairs. We kind of split the house down the middle and do our own thing like single people.

During the 6 month break I was doing the steps and therapy. I've had a 2 month break from therapy, but my therapist said she's returning next week. She'll have a long agenda after this fiasco with the meth user in recovery, but it's a learning experience. In the meantime I've been really, really ill with a bad sinus infection, so I've been resting a lot and taking care of myself after the heartbreak of this High School Guy Recovering Meth User.
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