SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/)
-   Friends and Family of Substance Abusers (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/)
-   -   Using drugs as an excuse to cheat (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-substance-abusers/444839-using-drugs-excuse-cheat.html)

Nanadeau 01-08-2020 04:55 AM

Using drugs as an excuse to cheat
 
My husband of just 3 years has a recurring drug problem. Every 6 months or so, he goes out and disappears for hours at a time, sometimes overnight. We have a tracker on his vehicle (he is aware of it) and it has geofences that alert me when he is in particular areas, so he knows that I know when he is doing this and where he is. He selects times when he knows I am at work and cannot leave, so he can do as he pleases. It tears me apart,. He will not answer my texts or calls when this is happening, only lets me know when he's home. Somewhere in his head I think he's hoping I won't notice and he can slide by. Recently, I discovered he has been in contact with several escorts, texting them throughout the day (on days where he runs off), only stopping when they are at a motel. I confronted him with this and he tells me that he uses them for drug contacts and that's all. Naturally he deletes all messages from his phone so I can't know what is said. I feel like I'm losing my mind.. somehow he makes me feel like I am being unsupportive because I am upset over the women, and not just the drugs. I am upset over more than that! The lies, women, money, and drugs! I feel so stupid. I want to believe what he says, he absolutely will not admit to it, but deep down I know there's more to the story. I shudder at what I haven't found out on my own, as everything I've listed here was by my own discovery.

Ann 01-08-2020 06:05 AM


I feel like I'm losing my mind.. somehow he makes me feel like I am being unsupportive because I am upset over the women, and not just the drugs. I am upset over more than that! The lies, women, money, and drugs! I feel so stupid.
There is nothing wrong with you, this is all about his bad behaviour and him twisting things to make you think that you are the one with the problem...an expression we use here for that is "gas lighting".

He uses drugs, he has made this a part of his life. Nobody can change that but him. All the crying, begging, negotiating, threatening, and tying to contol this, is futile. If love could save our addicts, not one of us would be here.

What you need to think about, is how long you will allow this to be a part of your life. It is a horrible heartbreaking way to live.

Take a read around, especially the "sticky posts" at the top of this forum. There is a lot of good information there. Also a book called "Codependent No More" has helped many of us learn why we allow this kind of behaviour in our lives and what we can do to help ourselves rise above it all.

I am glad you joined us, I hope you find some comfort and peace here.

Hugs

Hechosedrugs 01-08-2020 08:27 AM

I encourage you to ask yourself why the cheating is more of a deal breaker to you than the drugs. And believe me, I'm not judging- I've been in your shoes. It took me finding out about my ex's affair to finally see the light. But looking back, I think that's really sad.

I find it really disturbing that he is telling you he's only meeting up with escorts to score drugs. Yikes! That should be even more of a red flag than seeing escorts.

I agree that you're being gaslighted. None of this is acceptable. Please be careful. You are not safe. I know you think you know this person, but his addiction is the one in control at this point. You are not safe.

trailmix 01-08-2020 08:54 AM

hi nanadeau. Well, first things first - you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Why would you think you are being unsupportive? Your Husband is cheating on you with escorts and using drugs. What is there to support there?

It's one thing to be supportive if a drug addict has chosen recovery and you are driving him to meetings every night and say, cooking dinner while he's at said meeting.

It's a totally different issue to just enable him to carry on. Enabling is the key word there. Please don't feel guilty about this but what you are actually doing is "supporting" his drug use and other activities.

He's only seeing escorts to score drugs? Really think about that. In your wildest dreams did you ever think that a husband of yours would say that?

My suggestion? You need time and space away from him to really get clarity here. It's very hard to see exactly what is going on when you are right there in the tornado. Is it possible you could ask him to leave for several weeks while you get your mind clear?

Also there is Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and therapy, all of which will also help you to clarify your feelings.

You deserve better than this, don't you think?

AnvilheadII 01-08-2020 11:26 AM

I shudder at what I haven't found out on my own

you will never find out everything. in fact, you can stop your investigation right now. your husband is a drug addict. and he can and will do anything and everything necessary to keep using. and then do whatever it is he does while high. he is involved in a second dark seedy lifestyle with dark seedy folk doing dark seedy things.

and what he is doing is a violation of what being married implies. that he admits to using ESCORTS for any reason does not make him an honest person. he's seeing what you will allow, what he can get away with.

you can't change him, but you can certainly re-assess what you want your own life to look like and to be about. having a tracker on the old man's phone with barrier signals to alert you when he's being a bad boy.....maybe we do that for our teenage children, but should we be doing that for the supposed ADULT we married? just asking..........

hopeful4 01-08-2020 01:15 PM

When your gut is talking to you, listen.

You deserve more.

Nanadeau 01-09-2020 01:29 AM


Originally Posted by Hechosedrugs (Post 7353977)
I encourage you to ask yourself why the cheating is more of a deal breaker to you than the drugs. And believe me, I'm not judging- I've been in your shoes. It took me finding out about my ex's affair to finally see the light. But looking back, I think that's really sad.

I find it really disturbing that he is telling you he's only meeting up with escorts to score drugs. Yikes! That should be even more of a red flag than seeing escorts.

I agree that you're being gaslighted. None of this is acceptable. Please be careful. You are not safe. I know you think you know this person, but his addiction is the one in control at this point. You are not safe.

I'm not sure it was MORE of a dealbreaker, just made me see how much more there was to it. I guess I felt the drugs alone were a huge problem and that maybe if we could just get him help we could move forward. But seeing a very conscious decision (calling the girls) made before he was high, was like a slap in the face. I feel so used.

Nanadeau 01-09-2020 01:35 AM

You're right... I was thinking about that the other day, wondering to myself why I should HAVE to track him. It's amazing how we can talk ourselves into a "normal" that isn't anywhere near normal.
Thank you all for being so honest, yet kind. It feels good to have someone hear me.

FeelingGreat 01-09-2020 02:51 AM

On a slightly different angle, I hope you are protecting yourself against the fall-out from his behaviour. I'm thinking sexually transmitted diseases and also your financial welfare.

Is your AH taking from your joint bank or credit accounts for these jaunts? His behaviour may escalate very quickly past a certain point and you could get dragged into the mess.

He may incur debts.
May be involved in drugged driving, and leave himself and you open to a crippling lawsuit.
He could have a secret life on the wrong side of the law which will eventually involve you.

Have a think about how you can quarantine your finances, insurance and legal status if he does something disastrous.

thequest 01-09-2020 08:55 AM

Most troubling are the words 'drug contacts' with the key word being 'drug'. Set aside everything else if he's hanging around with the same crowd/culture that got him into trouble that's a relationship deal killer alone, especially after years of issues. Throw in the deception and sneaking around that's it.

Afraid you are seeing part of his true character, that's not the drugs he was already ethically challenged so to speak. I'd say the drugs just allow him to act on urges & thoughts that run thru his mind sober or not.

Nanadeau 01-09-2020 12:30 PM

Agreed. It's hard to admit though, so I just didn't.


All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:52 AM.