Husband is a high functioning addict and I don’t know what to do
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
Husband is a high functioning addict and I don’t know what to do
This is the first time I’ve reached out to anyone. I’ve been with my husband for 15 years in Feb. He was my first boyfriend, my first everything.
When we first got together I was completely naive when it came to drug use; I was attracted to this seemingly exotic lifestyle of occasional drug use and I started using weed and later, coke every now and then.
My then boyfriend lost his mum at 21 to a really unfortunate accident which definitely impacted his drug use to escape. I tried to get him to seek help and therapy but he refused.
Fast forward 4 years and I just didn’t want to do it anyone; we’d witnessed one friend gave a nasty reaction to one batch which left her throwing up blood and an ambulance having to be called which put me off ever doing it again. I thought that had been enough for both of us.
I was angry when he went back to using within 24 hours, couldn’t understand how that hadn’t been enough warning.
In 2009 he proposed abc i joyfully accepted; with one condition, he sort out his habit. He willingly accepted and was seemingly clean and sober right the way up to our wedding in 2010.
The year after we married was just....terrible. He started acting oddly, disappeared at odds times in the night, money started going missing, instead of coming to bed with me, he’d stay up until the early hours of the morning, then come to bed, tossing and turning until the alarm went.
I remember the day as clear as if it was yesterday 5th December 2011. We took our dogs for a walk, it’s was cold but not icy. He couldn’t get warm; I noticed his skin had a yellow tinge and the hollows under his eyes were black and bruised looking. He had no energy, looked so lethargic, I remember jokingly asking him what was wrong? He looked like he was suffering withdrawal.
That was the opening he needed. It all came out in a flood, no pauses for breath. He’d become addicted to crack and heroin over the past 18 months, had been using before we married and had got to the point in the last 6 months where he was using every day. He’d wracked up massive debt with payday loan companies and was losing his job because he’d been using the work van to take him and a friend to score.
My world fell apart; my heart stopped. I felt sick and couldn’t breathe. We’d been trying for a baby and all this time he’d been concealing this from me. I felt so angry, confused and scared.
He begged me to stay, promised to get clean... I didn’t know what to think, I’d never had any experience with proper users and didn’t know how compliant the road to recovery is.
2 weeks passed and I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified I’d be a single parent at 24 and clung to him and all his false promises.
My pregnancy progressed; he’d always promised he’d stop if I got pregnant, now it was when I went on mat leave, then it became when the baby came...
We had so many arguments. He lost his job and so every morning he’d get his meth from the pharmacy; not to recover, just so that he didn’t have to suffer the crippling effects of the heroin withdrawal. Then jump in the car and disappear to hustle money from odd jobs just to feed his habit. He used fake cards to steal money from peoples accounts; in a cruel turn of events he cleared my brothers savings of nearly £3k. He dumped me at a hospital appointment and rushed off to score, he left me stranded at work on my last day; I remember waiting at the entrance of my work, heavily pregnant standing with about 10 bags of presents from co workers. I’d finished an hour earlier than them, but one by one they all clocked out and passed me, shooting me confused pitying glances, why was I still here? I ended up on the street outside until he finally appeared blaming the traffic for his lateness.
We were living in temporary council housing while I was pregnant, it was basically one room for bed and kitchen with a separate bathroom. I begged him not to smoke that crap inside, where all our babies pristine new things were set out but the minute he was alone he’d do it anyway. I once discovered he was smoking in the bathroom, at 8 months pregnant I was filled with so much rage I kicked in the bathroom door and chased his out the ground floor window.
When I was taken in to be induced, he stayed with me for the first day, then when he was sent home, he went to score. When I was in the delivery room he was off his nut and even asked the midwife if he could crack
open a beer during my labour.
Our baby’s first Christmas and he had no job, my mat pay was dwindling, we couldn’t buy her or family any gifts because Christmas Eve he took my bank card and spent my last £50 to score.
I look back now and I’m angry I didn’t have enough backbone to kick him out. There were plenty of other times that he stole, Lord, deceived to get his fix but there’s too many to write down.
So many promises to stop and I believed every one.
Time passed and we told our families; I truly believed he wanted to stop.
He had no car, no job, no opportunity he stuck with his methodone programme and I was so overjoyed, I really thought we’d beaten this sickness.
In time, I fell pregnant with my son. Everything was different, he got a job we had a bit of money and the stability that was missing from my first pregnancy. Then I started noticing a few things that raised some flags in my mind. Money missing again. Friday eve pub visits that would go on late but he’d never want me to mention it ‘incase the people not invited got upset’ Deep down I must have known what was going on but with a 3 year old and newborn baby I didn’t want to think the worst.
I eventually had no choice but to confront the issue Christmas 2015, when I took the children to visit my nan with my mum. Checked my purse, money gone. My heart sank. We had plans to visit his family that evening, but within half hour of returning home to an empty house I got The phone call; hiya yeah I went out to give a friend a lift and the car broke down so we can’t go to ......... house. No it’s ok I don’t need help I’ll fix it.
When he eventually got back I asked him about it, and I was devastated to learn that he’d yet again been secreting money away to score. I threw the last £60 I had to my name and told him that if drugs were more important to him than his family, take the money and go. He did. I took the children to my sister in law and stayed there for 3 nights waiting for him to come for us.
i got a sorry for himself phone call, he’s always very sorry when he’s just been. If he wants to go but doesn’t he becomes utterly toxic; I’ve suffered years of emotional and mental abuse although he’s never been violent. But in the end it was me who came back, again.
Again he promised to change, and the best we got it to was him using once a week ‘to keep him on track’
I hated it, fought it for 2 years and then gave up. Fine.
He became what i term a highly functioning addict. Capable of keeping a job, acting ‘normal’ for 6 days and then allowing himself to binge on a Friday. I stopped arguing, saw it as pointless. Until this year. Alarm bells started ringing. I switched to early morning shifts, had to be in bed by 7pm every night so he was up by himself. Boredom and opportunity prevailed, coming to bed late, twitchy behaviour, all the signs I’d noticed before. I tried to ask him about it, offer him help if he’d just talk to me! But he denied anything was wrong.
One night I was in bed asleep and he burst in to tell me that I had been right, he was using more again. He was making a bit of money selling weed and, along with the £80 a week he took out of his wages he had made extra to sneak out 2/3 times extra to score.
I’m at my wits end. In July things got so bad we had a massive argument because I tried to stop him going; he got drunk, took my car keys threatened to drive my car while drunk, shouted and screamed calling me all the names u def the sun in front of our children, resulting in me punching him in the face. I gave him the money after that and sent him to score and asked my mum to collect the kids. I’m mortified that I hit him. I’m not a violent person and I have no excuse for that behaviour it was disgusting. We had our family holiday booked the next week and we went with me trying to jolly everything along for the kids sake. The first 3 days he was miserable and snappy and slept constantly; the result of the drugs leaving his system.
The rest of the holiday was ok and I really hope the kids have good memories of it, but as usually he only really got excited right at the end when he knew we were going home. Dropped us home and went straight off to score. Same pattern every time.
I told him I’d had enough, and wanted him to leave. He begged me to stay and looked into counselling, that promise dragged on til October. He went to one session and because he was asked if he had kids, he refused to go back ‘incase they get social services involved’
I gave him an ultimatum; drugs or us. He asked me to give him til Christmas, to get his head round the idea, stupidly I agreed.
So, this brings me to this week.
I know he scored Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
Apparently Tuesday and Thursday do t count because he didn’t take money from the household income. Friday he told me he was taking £100 for petrol, baccy a drink after work etc.... fine, whatever.
My kids finished early from school, he called me to say he’d finished work, picked up but wouldn’t touch it til the kids went to bed so we could do something together. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve never allowed him to be near the kids when I’ve known he was high. I agreed and we had a reasonably normal afternoon
until. I don’t know what I was thinking, I never let him have it in the house but he was so insistent on proving to me he wasn’t smoking until the kids were asleep that he brought it to me and told me to do which I did without thinking.
Suddenly about 4 hours later I realised it was in the house and screamed at him to get rid of it; I genuinely thought he’d be able to take it down to the car and leave it. Stupid, naive me.
He came back upstairs completely out of his head, blaming me! Why did I give it back to him? He didn’t want to do it t they went to bed, what was I thinking?! I went mad, told him to get out; take the dog for a walk.
He came back half hr later telling me his friend was picking him up as I’d wanted him to go out.
i went to bed with the kids at 6:30pm as I was working at 3am.
At 9:30pm I woke up to pee and saw a text fro
him saying his mates car had broken down in Luton and he had no way of getting home.
I called him in a daze and he requested I get the kids out of bed to collect them. I refused because I’d had a drink before bed, my night vision is shocking and I wasn’t about to drag the kids out of bed to collect their dad and friend off their faces with class A drugs on them. I transferred him £20 to get the train home, having cried to him earlier about our lack of money and what the hell were we going to do until he got paid again in 2 weeks?! I told him I had to go back to sleep so I could get up for work. My alarm went at 2:30am, he wasn’t here. Still out, phone battery dead. Couldn’t contact him. Had to call work and give them an innocent story about him being out for the work Xmas do and breaking down; having spent 10 years lying to cover his use, I’m pretty good at it and the best lies hold mostly truth.
I also had plans to see my cousins and aunts today so I had to contact my mum and lie to her about being ill as I was worried about him turning up at all; might have been nicked who knows?! I don’t want to lie for him but I’m trying so hard just to hold it together for the kids at Christmas.
Eventully he turns up at 7:30am, I’ve hardly slept and feel like **** but my first words to him are ‘are you ok?’
He still seems off his box, apparently spent all night wandering around London waiting for the trains to start running again. Genuinely doesn’t understand why I’m upset. Blames me for what happened as if ‘I hadn’t given him the drugs back early he wouldn’t have done some, had a row gone out with his mate’ etc. He doesn’t understand why I told my mum, I could have just gone out as planned... never mind we’re short on money and I had to transfer him £20 I didn’t have. But all he ever says to me is he’s not the worst person in the world and he still transfers me most of his wages to pay the bills and why should I be pissed off because I don’t like something he chooses to smoke? I honestly feel like banging my head against I wall. I’ve had enough. I want to leave but where to? I’ve just changed my job role and I’m terrified I won’t be able to afford the childcare if I haven’t got him around to take his turn. I don’t want to spilt up over Christmas as it will ruin it for the kids but the atmosphere is awful even though he’s acting like everything’s fine and says ‘what happened happened last night, why can’t you just draw a line under it and move on?’
Oh yes, and after he came home and went to bed I found his payslip on the floor that showed he took £200 not £100 so after crying to him about money worries he’s taken that PLUS he’s been working on his car outside all day, leaving me upstairs with the kids (I don’t mind just resentful that I was supposed to be going out for a nice afternoon/evening and now I can’t because I was covering for his actions!) and just received a text to say he’s gone to the pub with a mate from work (a mate who I happen to know also does drugs)
what the f%*k is happening to my life?! I’d laugh if it wasn’t so tragic. I know I’m an enabler but I don’t know what to do. Please help!!!!
When we first got together I was completely naive when it came to drug use; I was attracted to this seemingly exotic lifestyle of occasional drug use and I started using weed and later, coke every now and then.
My then boyfriend lost his mum at 21 to a really unfortunate accident which definitely impacted his drug use to escape. I tried to get him to seek help and therapy but he refused.
Fast forward 4 years and I just didn’t want to do it anyone; we’d witnessed one friend gave a nasty reaction to one batch which left her throwing up blood and an ambulance having to be called which put me off ever doing it again. I thought that had been enough for both of us.
I was angry when he went back to using within 24 hours, couldn’t understand how that hadn’t been enough warning.
In 2009 he proposed abc i joyfully accepted; with one condition, he sort out his habit. He willingly accepted and was seemingly clean and sober right the way up to our wedding in 2010.
The year after we married was just....terrible. He started acting oddly, disappeared at odds times in the night, money started going missing, instead of coming to bed with me, he’d stay up until the early hours of the morning, then come to bed, tossing and turning until the alarm went.
I remember the day as clear as if it was yesterday 5th December 2011. We took our dogs for a walk, it’s was cold but not icy. He couldn’t get warm; I noticed his skin had a yellow tinge and the hollows under his eyes were black and bruised looking. He had no energy, looked so lethargic, I remember jokingly asking him what was wrong? He looked like he was suffering withdrawal.
That was the opening he needed. It all came out in a flood, no pauses for breath. He’d become addicted to crack and heroin over the past 18 months, had been using before we married and had got to the point in the last 6 months where he was using every day. He’d wracked up massive debt with payday loan companies and was losing his job because he’d been using the work van to take him and a friend to score.
My world fell apart; my heart stopped. I felt sick and couldn’t breathe. We’d been trying for a baby and all this time he’d been concealing this from me. I felt so angry, confused and scared.
He begged me to stay, promised to get clean... I didn’t know what to think, I’d never had any experience with proper users and didn’t know how compliant the road to recovery is.
2 weeks passed and I discovered I was pregnant. I was terrified I’d be a single parent at 24 and clung to him and all his false promises.
My pregnancy progressed; he’d always promised he’d stop if I got pregnant, now it was when I went on mat leave, then it became when the baby came...
We had so many arguments. He lost his job and so every morning he’d get his meth from the pharmacy; not to recover, just so that he didn’t have to suffer the crippling effects of the heroin withdrawal. Then jump in the car and disappear to hustle money from odd jobs just to feed his habit. He used fake cards to steal money from peoples accounts; in a cruel turn of events he cleared my brothers savings of nearly £3k. He dumped me at a hospital appointment and rushed off to score, he left me stranded at work on my last day; I remember waiting at the entrance of my work, heavily pregnant standing with about 10 bags of presents from co workers. I’d finished an hour earlier than them, but one by one they all clocked out and passed me, shooting me confused pitying glances, why was I still here? I ended up on the street outside until he finally appeared blaming the traffic for his lateness.
We were living in temporary council housing while I was pregnant, it was basically one room for bed and kitchen with a separate bathroom. I begged him not to smoke that crap inside, where all our babies pristine new things were set out but the minute he was alone he’d do it anyway. I once discovered he was smoking in the bathroom, at 8 months pregnant I was filled with so much rage I kicked in the bathroom door and chased his out the ground floor window.
When I was taken in to be induced, he stayed with me for the first day, then when he was sent home, he went to score. When I was in the delivery room he was off his nut and even asked the midwife if he could crack
open a beer during my labour.
Our baby’s first Christmas and he had no job, my mat pay was dwindling, we couldn’t buy her or family any gifts because Christmas Eve he took my bank card and spent my last £50 to score.
I look back now and I’m angry I didn’t have enough backbone to kick him out. There were plenty of other times that he stole, Lord, deceived to get his fix but there’s too many to write down.
So many promises to stop and I believed every one.
Time passed and we told our families; I truly believed he wanted to stop.
He had no car, no job, no opportunity he stuck with his methodone programme and I was so overjoyed, I really thought we’d beaten this sickness.
In time, I fell pregnant with my son. Everything was different, he got a job we had a bit of money and the stability that was missing from my first pregnancy. Then I started noticing a few things that raised some flags in my mind. Money missing again. Friday eve pub visits that would go on late but he’d never want me to mention it ‘incase the people not invited got upset’ Deep down I must have known what was going on but with a 3 year old and newborn baby I didn’t want to think the worst.
I eventually had no choice but to confront the issue Christmas 2015, when I took the children to visit my nan with my mum. Checked my purse, money gone. My heart sank. We had plans to visit his family that evening, but within half hour of returning home to an empty house I got The phone call; hiya yeah I went out to give a friend a lift and the car broke down so we can’t go to ......... house. No it’s ok I don’t need help I’ll fix it.
When he eventually got back I asked him about it, and I was devastated to learn that he’d yet again been secreting money away to score. I threw the last £60 I had to my name and told him that if drugs were more important to him than his family, take the money and go. He did. I took the children to my sister in law and stayed there for 3 nights waiting for him to come for us.
i got a sorry for himself phone call, he’s always very sorry when he’s just been. If he wants to go but doesn’t he becomes utterly toxic; I’ve suffered years of emotional and mental abuse although he’s never been violent. But in the end it was me who came back, again.
Again he promised to change, and the best we got it to was him using once a week ‘to keep him on track’
I hated it, fought it for 2 years and then gave up. Fine.
He became what i term a highly functioning addict. Capable of keeping a job, acting ‘normal’ for 6 days and then allowing himself to binge on a Friday. I stopped arguing, saw it as pointless. Until this year. Alarm bells started ringing. I switched to early morning shifts, had to be in bed by 7pm every night so he was up by himself. Boredom and opportunity prevailed, coming to bed late, twitchy behaviour, all the signs I’d noticed before. I tried to ask him about it, offer him help if he’d just talk to me! But he denied anything was wrong.
One night I was in bed asleep and he burst in to tell me that I had been right, he was using more again. He was making a bit of money selling weed and, along with the £80 a week he took out of his wages he had made extra to sneak out 2/3 times extra to score.
I’m at my wits end. In July things got so bad we had a massive argument because I tried to stop him going; he got drunk, took my car keys threatened to drive my car while drunk, shouted and screamed calling me all the names u def the sun in front of our children, resulting in me punching him in the face. I gave him the money after that and sent him to score and asked my mum to collect the kids. I’m mortified that I hit him. I’m not a violent person and I have no excuse for that behaviour it was disgusting. We had our family holiday booked the next week and we went with me trying to jolly everything along for the kids sake. The first 3 days he was miserable and snappy and slept constantly; the result of the drugs leaving his system.
The rest of the holiday was ok and I really hope the kids have good memories of it, but as usually he only really got excited right at the end when he knew we were going home. Dropped us home and went straight off to score. Same pattern every time.
I told him I’d had enough, and wanted him to leave. He begged me to stay and looked into counselling, that promise dragged on til October. He went to one session and because he was asked if he had kids, he refused to go back ‘incase they get social services involved’
I gave him an ultimatum; drugs or us. He asked me to give him til Christmas, to get his head round the idea, stupidly I agreed.
So, this brings me to this week.
I know he scored Tuesday, Thursday and Friday.
Apparently Tuesday and Thursday do t count because he didn’t take money from the household income. Friday he told me he was taking £100 for petrol, baccy a drink after work etc.... fine, whatever.
My kids finished early from school, he called me to say he’d finished work, picked up but wouldn’t touch it til the kids went to bed so we could do something together. Throughout this whole ordeal, I’ve never allowed him to be near the kids when I’ve known he was high. I agreed and we had a reasonably normal afternoon
until. I don’t know what I was thinking, I never let him have it in the house but he was so insistent on proving to me he wasn’t smoking until the kids were asleep that he brought it to me and told me to do which I did without thinking.
Suddenly about 4 hours later I realised it was in the house and screamed at him to get rid of it; I genuinely thought he’d be able to take it down to the car and leave it. Stupid, naive me.
He came back upstairs completely out of his head, blaming me! Why did I give it back to him? He didn’t want to do it t they went to bed, what was I thinking?! I went mad, told him to get out; take the dog for a walk.
He came back half hr later telling me his friend was picking him up as I’d wanted him to go out.
i went to bed with the kids at 6:30pm as I was working at 3am.
At 9:30pm I woke up to pee and saw a text fro
him saying his mates car had broken down in Luton and he had no way of getting home.
I called him in a daze and he requested I get the kids out of bed to collect them. I refused because I’d had a drink before bed, my night vision is shocking and I wasn’t about to drag the kids out of bed to collect their dad and friend off their faces with class A drugs on them. I transferred him £20 to get the train home, having cried to him earlier about our lack of money and what the hell were we going to do until he got paid again in 2 weeks?! I told him I had to go back to sleep so I could get up for work. My alarm went at 2:30am, he wasn’t here. Still out, phone battery dead. Couldn’t contact him. Had to call work and give them an innocent story about him being out for the work Xmas do and breaking down; having spent 10 years lying to cover his use, I’m pretty good at it and the best lies hold mostly truth.
I also had plans to see my cousins and aunts today so I had to contact my mum and lie to her about being ill as I was worried about him turning up at all; might have been nicked who knows?! I don’t want to lie for him but I’m trying so hard just to hold it together for the kids at Christmas.
Eventully he turns up at 7:30am, I’ve hardly slept and feel like **** but my first words to him are ‘are you ok?’
He still seems off his box, apparently spent all night wandering around London waiting for the trains to start running again. Genuinely doesn’t understand why I’m upset. Blames me for what happened as if ‘I hadn’t given him the drugs back early he wouldn’t have done some, had a row gone out with his mate’ etc. He doesn’t understand why I told my mum, I could have just gone out as planned... never mind we’re short on money and I had to transfer him £20 I didn’t have. But all he ever says to me is he’s not the worst person in the world and he still transfers me most of his wages to pay the bills and why should I be pissed off because I don’t like something he chooses to smoke? I honestly feel like banging my head against I wall. I’ve had enough. I want to leave but where to? I’ve just changed my job role and I’m terrified I won’t be able to afford the childcare if I haven’t got him around to take his turn. I don’t want to spilt up over Christmas as it will ruin it for the kids but the atmosphere is awful even though he’s acting like everything’s fine and says ‘what happened happened last night, why can’t you just draw a line under it and move on?’
Oh yes, and after he came home and went to bed I found his payslip on the floor that showed he took £200 not £100 so after crying to him about money worries he’s taken that PLUS he’s been working on his car outside all day, leaving me upstairs with the kids (I don’t mind just resentful that I was supposed to be going out for a nice afternoon/evening and now I can’t because I was covering for his actions!) and just received a text to say he’s gone to the pub with a mate from work (a mate who I happen to know also does drugs)
what the f%*k is happening to my life?! I’d laugh if it wasn’t so tragic. I know I’m an enabler but I don’t know what to do. Please help!!!!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
hello and welcome. so very sorry for your troubles and all that brings you here.
i think it's safe to drop the "high functioning" from the addict label. he is really only functioning to GET high. everything else is to support his drive to use drugs and get more drugs. regardless of who or what stands in his way. and that includes you and the children.
you are in a pickle at the moment. take time to research your options, do whatever you have to in order to protect the finances. he is NOT a reliable babysitter, so you will have to find other options. it's terrible, but it's been terrible, so you won't have to have it all figured out by 6pm today.
he is not going to change. you have evidence of that now, over years and years. children didn't cure him. getting married didn't cure him. the drugs are what is important to him. it's sad, tragic, but it's what addicts do.
i think it's safe to drop the "high functioning" from the addict label. he is really only functioning to GET high. everything else is to support his drive to use drugs and get more drugs. regardless of who or what stands in his way. and that includes you and the children.
you are in a pickle at the moment. take time to research your options, do whatever you have to in order to protect the finances. he is NOT a reliable babysitter, so you will have to find other options. it's terrible, but it's been terrible, so you won't have to have it all figured out by 6pm today.
he is not going to change. you have evidence of that now, over years and years. children didn't cure him. getting married didn't cure him. the drugs are what is important to him. it's sad, tragic, but it's what addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
As you can see, addiction is a progressive disease. Think about what he said, about being afraid social services might get involved. This is actually a valid concern. Your children ARE in danger. And if SS does find out about all of this, they will see you as a danger to them, too, because you are allowing all of this.
You have to understand: They will not care how many times you've begged and pleaded with your husband to get help. They will deem you guilty of failure to protect your children and they will take your children from both of you.
Now, as for you losing your cool and punching him- that's really no surprise. He's caused so much chaos and upheaval in your life, of course you're angry. But watch it. Because it's entirely possible that if you do this again you could wind up with a restraining order against you. And when a parent is deemed a danger to the other parent, it is assumed they will also be a danger to the kids. You could end up with a permanent criminal record and no access to your children. Meanwhile, he'll have full custody and will be driving them around drunk to his dealer's house.
And honestly, that's not even the worst case scenario.
Please, see this situation for what it is and take the appropriate action to protect yourself and your children.
You have to understand: They will not care how many times you've begged and pleaded with your husband to get help. They will deem you guilty of failure to protect your children and they will take your children from both of you.
Now, as for you losing your cool and punching him- that's really no surprise. He's caused so much chaos and upheaval in your life, of course you're angry. But watch it. Because it's entirely possible that if you do this again you could wind up with a restraining order against you. And when a parent is deemed a danger to the other parent, it is assumed they will also be a danger to the kids. You could end up with a permanent criminal record and no access to your children. Meanwhile, he'll have full custody and will be driving them around drunk to his dealer's house.
And honestly, that's not even the worst case scenario.
Please, see this situation for what it is and take the appropriate action to protect yourself and your children.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
I don’t know what to do
or what steps to take? I’m standing here crying in my kitchen while he gets drunk continually asking me what’s wrong and what could I possibly be upset about? Either he feels so bad about last night that his guilt is making him take it out on me or he genuinely doesn’t know his behaviour is wrong I really don’t know. Do I try and kick him up now? Spoiling my children’s and parents Christmas and not being able to work or do I stay and research my options? In previous arguments I’ve tried throwing him out and he’s refused to move out, what are my options? If I take the kids and leave where do I go? I have no money... I’m scared if I leave I’ll lose my home, job, security and income. I feel so trapped I don’t know where to turn to help
or what steps to take? I’m standing here crying in my kitchen while he gets drunk continually asking me what’s wrong and what could I possibly be upset about? Either he feels so bad about last night that his guilt is making him take it out on me or he genuinely doesn’t know his behaviour is wrong I really don’t know. Do I try and kick him up now? Spoiling my children’s and parents Christmas and not being able to work or do I stay and research my options? In previous arguments I’ve tried throwing him out and he’s refused to move out, what are my options? If I take the kids and leave where do I go? I have no money... I’m scared if I leave I’ll lose my home, job, security and income. I feel so trapped I don’t know where to turn to help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
**** has hit the fan; I’m trapped. He kept pestering me asking what’s wrong until I snapped and told him I’d had enough, it’s over! He flipped out (he’d been drinking) started ranting and raving then he kept asking if we were through then stormed out. About 10 mins later I had a fraud alert come through by text on my debit and credit card; I’d been cleaned out. I looked in my bag where my purse had been not 20 mins before when I took my pill and it was gone.
I called him calmly and asked what he’d done. Nothing he exclaimed. He asked me what was wrong but I just hung up. Then he stormed back in shouting I haven’t taken your purse I haven’t got it! Then it ‘mysteriously’ turned up behind the sofa he was sitting on.., honestly I think he thinks I’m stupid.
i started panicking about money and said the only thing I could that I was sorry and I didn’t mean it so he’d give me the money back.
Now I don’t know what to do. I’m ******
I called him calmly and asked what he’d done. Nothing he exclaimed. He asked me what was wrong but I just hung up. Then he stormed back in shouting I haven’t taken your purse I haven’t got it! Then it ‘mysteriously’ turned up behind the sofa he was sitting on.., honestly I think he thinks I’m stupid.
i started panicking about money and said the only thing I could that I was sorry and I didn’t mean it so he’d give me the money back.
Now I don’t know what to do. I’m ******
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
You are not trapped. This can only get worse if you stay. If you have no family or friends to stay with, there are abused women's shelters. I live in a small rural town and even I have access to shelters and victim's service personnel who will help with filing restraining orders. You and your children are not safe where you are.
Be strong.
Be strong.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Anxious32 
**** has hit the fan; I’m trapped. He kept pestering me asking what’s wrong until I snapped and told him I’d had enough, it’s over! He flipped out (he’d been drinking) started ranting and raving then he kept asking if we were through then stormed out. About 10 mins later I had a fraud alert come through by text on my debit and credit card; I’d been cleaned out. I looked in my bag where my purse had been not 20 mins before when I took my pill and it was gone.
I called him calmly and asked what he’d done. Nothing he exclaimed. He asked me what was wrong but I just hung up. Then he stormed back in shouting I haven’t taken your purse I haven’t got it! Then it ‘mysteriously’ turned up behind the sofa he was sitting on.., honestly I think he thinks I’m stupid.
i started panicking about money and said the only thing I could that I was sorry and I didn’t mean it so he’d give me the money back.
Now I don’t know what to do. I’m ******
I called him calmly and asked what he’d done. Nothing he exclaimed. He asked me what was wrong but I just hung up. Then he stormed back in shouting I haven’t taken your purse I haven’t got it! Then it ‘mysteriously’ turned up behind the sofa he was sitting on.., honestly I think he thinks I’m stupid.
i started panicking about money and said the only thing I could that I was sorry and I didn’t mean it so he’d give me the money back.
Now I don’t know what to do. I’m ******
Talk to them anyway, see what can be done?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
He gave me the money back and said he didn’t want to spend it just wanted to make a point because he was upset. Even after all of this I still love him. I know how this sounds; I’d be giving the same advice to someone else telling this story but it’s different when it’s your own life right?!
The kids love him and he is great with them, they’ll hate me if I leave.
This is so hard
The kids love him and he is great with them, they’ll hate me if I leave.
This is so hard
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Anxious32
I don’t know what to do
or what steps to take?
or what steps to take?
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/
They will be able to advise you on accommodation, lawyers that may work for a low fee or have a free initial consultation, counselling for you (and your children if old enough).
This should be confidential.
Start with this and go from there, let them help you, you aren't alone.
You may also want to visit our friends and family of alcoholics forum, many threads there you may want to view when things are a bit calmer, you can always post there too if you would like:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Originally Posted by Anxious32
He gave me the money back and said he didn’t want to spend it just wanted to make a point because he was upset. Even after all of this I still love him. I know how this sounds; I’d be giving the same advice to someone else telling this story but it’s different when it’s your own life right?!
The kids love him and he is great with them, they’ll hate me if I leave.
This is so hard
The kids love him and he is great with them, they’ll hate me if I leave.
This is so hard
It's actually not different when it's your own, you just think it is. All the sense you would be trying to express to someone else applies to you too - you just kind of don't want it to?
You don't know that the children will "hate" you when you leave. It's not like he's dying, they would just have visitation with him.
Growing up in a house where the Father "pretends" to steal money to make you upset, uses alcohol and other drugs, think about how awful it is for you at times and just multiply that by 4 for how the children feel. They are defenseless, at least you have choices.
I threw the last £60 I had to my name and told him that if drugs were more important to him than his family, take the money and go. He did
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you have options - you just don't like them.
it is VITAL that you shut down his access to your funds! he willingly and deliberately cleaned out your accounts! he will do it again in a heartbeat because he DOES NOT CARE.
your children will not hate you. they depend on you to do what is right by them, to keep them safe, away from bad people, in a home that is drug and addict free. he interacts with them when it suits him. he treats you like garbage. that is no way to live.
you mentioned your parents. are they close?
your husband is engaged in highly illegal activities and if you do not take steps to protect yourself and your children, things will get much much worse.
it is VITAL that you shut down his access to your funds! he willingly and deliberately cleaned out your accounts! he will do it again in a heartbeat because he DOES NOT CARE.
your children will not hate you. they depend on you to do what is right by them, to keep them safe, away from bad people, in a home that is drug and addict free. he interacts with them when it suits him. he treats you like garbage. that is no way to live.
you mentioned your parents. are they close?
your husband is engaged in highly illegal activities and if you do not take steps to protect yourself and your children, things will get much much worse.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,609
Anxious32, I just wanted you to know that if our answers seem kind of one sided and even harsh to you, it's only because we are looking out for YOU.
He doesn't need anyone looking out for him, but you do!
What we have said is from experience and I know it can be hard to hear the first time.
Hope you will continue posting - and welcome.
He doesn't need anyone looking out for him, but you do!
What we have said is from experience and I know it can be hard to hear the first time.
Hope you will continue posting - and welcome.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
Anxious, I'm heartsick for you and your kids. He is not a high functioning addict.
He's just a plain, old ordinary drug addict with a desire to get high that surpasses ANY love he has for you and the kids.
PLEASE protect your children and yourself. Call the DV line. Protect your credit cards and $$.
And DO. NOT. BELIEVE. A. SINGLE. WORD. THAT. HE. SAYS.
He's just a plain, old ordinary drug addict with a desire to get high that surpasses ANY love he has for you and the kids.
PLEASE protect your children and yourself. Call the DV line. Protect your credit cards and $$.
And DO. NOT. BELIEVE. A. SINGLE. WORD. THAT. HE. SAYS.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Anxious,
Firstly, he's out of control and dragging you and the children down with him. Whether he's capable of seeing that is beside the point. You are the responsible adult and need to either get him out of the house, or leave yourself. He will of course bombard you with love, promises, pleading, tears. Be ready for that, because you're going to have to stand firm.
You're at the end of your tether right now. If you feel you can't leave right on Christmas, get through that, then plan to separate afterwards. You should be able to Google domestic violence services and give them a call at least. You don't need to be subject to physical violence to qualify; he's depriving you of money for the family as well as gaslighting you (pretending about the purse is an example). The people on these help lines are very experienced in helping out during a crisis and putting you in touch with the support you need.
It seems you have some support from family as well. You may need to tap that resource as well, if you think it will help. Does your work provide DV leave? I'm sure you would qualify.
After you've spoken to the DV people, I would say your first priority is to secure your finances so he can't get at them. Whether it's a stash of cash left with a friend, or a secret bank account where he can't get at the PIN, find a way to secure your money.
There's so much going on it's hard to know where to start, but I would ask you to please look at getting yourself and the children away, then tackling what needs to be done in small steps. Best of luck, and stay in touch.
Firstly, he's out of control and dragging you and the children down with him. Whether he's capable of seeing that is beside the point. You are the responsible adult and need to either get him out of the house, or leave yourself. He will of course bombard you with love, promises, pleading, tears. Be ready for that, because you're going to have to stand firm.
You're at the end of your tether right now. If you feel you can't leave right on Christmas, get through that, then plan to separate afterwards. You should be able to Google domestic violence services and give them a call at least. You don't need to be subject to physical violence to qualify; he's depriving you of money for the family as well as gaslighting you (pretending about the purse is an example). The people on these help lines are very experienced in helping out during a crisis and putting you in touch with the support you need.
It seems you have some support from family as well. You may need to tap that resource as well, if you think it will help. Does your work provide DV leave? I'm sure you would qualify.
After you've spoken to the DV people, I would say your first priority is to secure your finances so he can't get at them. Whether it's a stash of cash left with a friend, or a secret bank account where he can't get at the PIN, find a way to secure your money.
There's so much going on it's hard to know where to start, but I would ask you to please look at getting yourself and the children away, then tackling what needs to be done in small steps. Best of luck, and stay in touch.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
Not to downplay or contradict any advice you've gotten here, because it's all been really good. But I will say:
When I finally came to my senses and realized I had to leave my now ex-husband, I tried to get all my ducks in a row first. I contacted an attorney and told her to file for sole custody ASAP. I had a little waterproof suitcase that I stored far away from our home in our backyard. I started storing evidence of financial abuse in there. I kept a journal detailing all of ex's strange behaviors.
Things kept getting worse and worse, and a month later my attorney STILL had not done a thing. All this time, I was even having sex with my ex, though the attraction was gone. In fact, I was quite disgusted with him, but didn't want to let on that I was up to something.
Things finally got so out of control that I couldn't wait for my incompetent lawyer. I had a wolf in my house and he was going to devour us all. I got the hell out of dodge.
Sometimes you can't wait even a day.
When I finally came to my senses and realized I had to leave my now ex-husband, I tried to get all my ducks in a row first. I contacted an attorney and told her to file for sole custody ASAP. I had a little waterproof suitcase that I stored far away from our home in our backyard. I started storing evidence of financial abuse in there. I kept a journal detailing all of ex's strange behaviors.
Things kept getting worse and worse, and a month later my attorney STILL had not done a thing. All this time, I was even having sex with my ex, though the attraction was gone. In fact, I was quite disgusted with him, but didn't want to let on that I was up to something.
Things finally got so out of control that I couldn't wait for my incompetent lawyer. I had a wolf in my house and he was going to devour us all. I got the hell out of dodge.
Sometimes you can't wait even a day.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
How are you going Anxious? I hope Christmas goes ok for you, and you don't have any further upsets.
Keep posting whatever you decide. You'll find plenty of support here.
Keep posting whatever you decide. You'll find plenty of support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 6
Ok so...
Christmas was nice. He didn’t use and wasn’t too grumpy; had a nice day with my family and the kids...
Then Friday came; a full 7 days since he last went and I could tell even from the morning that it was on his mind. He came straight out with it and said he was struggling. I offered distraction, anything to help put his mind off it but he started an argument 🙄 and off he went. I told him if he went, not to come back. But he either didn’t care or didn’t think I meant it.
Anyways, I tried to stay calm, told him he’d have to move out. Que recriminations, begging.., the usual. I made him sleep on the couch, told him I meant it.
The next day, Saturday we had plans to go out with friends and my mum was babysitting. I stil meant what I said, but I wasn’t ready to tell my mum so out we went. I didn’t really talk to him, spoke to my friend. He promised me that he’d stop, give me all the extra money he’d make etc.... what can I say? I fell for the ******** again!
Got back home, he went out to let the dog out and GUESS WHAT? He ‘found some he’d lost the night before’ I swear to god I’d laugh if it wasn’t so ******* pitiful.
Anyway, mum was round so I put the argument off til the morning, mum went early, I sat him down, calmly to discuss. He tried to lie, gave me the whole ‘I didn’t go to score, I just found a bit’ 🙄 I didn’t want to get into a full scale row as we had our last prearranged plans with other friends today...
went to friends house, had a very pleasant afternoon, he fell asleep on their couch for over an hour leaving me to control the children. He drank so I drove. On the way home, he told me he was meeting his friend who’d been away for a while and had some money for him (after our argument fri, he’d gone to walk his friends dogs as he was away, so I knew the money bit was legit) but sti very suspicious about why he needed to charge out the minute we got home.
So we get home, he asks ‘why am I moody? I always give him **** when he wants to go out’ etc I tell him yeah of course I do as it means he’s going to score 🙄 he literally runs out the door and into his car (shock horror he told me he was going to meet his friend down the alley).
He goes MIA for a while but by this point I’m NOT bothered. Eventually calls nearly 3 hours later, I can tell by his voice he’s high as a ******* kite... why has he called? His friend needs to go to wales tomorrow so would I mind him driving there with the kids if he provides the petrol?
Last. *******. Straw.
Ive messaged my boss to say I need this week off to settle my affairs, ive told my husband if he comes back I’ll be calling the police. I’m not sure where to go from here; think I’m in shock as I feel strangely calm, although I have shed a few tears. He’s non stop calling and texting but I feel numb to it.
Just not sure what to do next? Kids not back to school til next Tuesday, he’s not back to work til Thursday. I just want to stay away from him because I know I’m weak and I don’t want to give him the opportunity to talk me round. I don’t know if I can keep him out of the flat because his name is on the tenancy too but I don’t want to leave as this will unsettle the children even more.
God he’s good with the emotional black mail, you should read the messages he’s sending me! He’s had me so conditioned over the years. Always telling me he can’t be a junkie as he hands me over his wages every week to pay bills (minus the £80 a week he takes and the extra £30-£40 he makes on the side). He’s tried telling me I’ve got it good and would I prefer him to sink a bottle of whiskey and beat me or run around chasing other woman?
i mean, im no supermodel, but even I know my options aren’t limited to that! And do you know what? Even if they are my options I’ll just stay bloody single! I’m worth more than being married to an active addict who would sell my soul to get one more hit.
Now, can I please hear some of your stories? I’d like to know what others have been through and do you know what? A little bit of validation that I’m not overreacting.... years of being told that my opinion of his drug use is over the top has taken a slight hold of I’m honest....
ive got no idea how I’m going to cope now with my job, bills, rent etc no bloody idea!
Christmas was nice. He didn’t use and wasn’t too grumpy; had a nice day with my family and the kids...
Then Friday came; a full 7 days since he last went and I could tell even from the morning that it was on his mind. He came straight out with it and said he was struggling. I offered distraction, anything to help put his mind off it but he started an argument 🙄 and off he went. I told him if he went, not to come back. But he either didn’t care or didn’t think I meant it.
Anyways, I tried to stay calm, told him he’d have to move out. Que recriminations, begging.., the usual. I made him sleep on the couch, told him I meant it.
The next day, Saturday we had plans to go out with friends and my mum was babysitting. I stil meant what I said, but I wasn’t ready to tell my mum so out we went. I didn’t really talk to him, spoke to my friend. He promised me that he’d stop, give me all the extra money he’d make etc.... what can I say? I fell for the ******** again!
Got back home, he went out to let the dog out and GUESS WHAT? He ‘found some he’d lost the night before’ I swear to god I’d laugh if it wasn’t so ******* pitiful.
Anyway, mum was round so I put the argument off til the morning, mum went early, I sat him down, calmly to discuss. He tried to lie, gave me the whole ‘I didn’t go to score, I just found a bit’ 🙄 I didn’t want to get into a full scale row as we had our last prearranged plans with other friends today...
went to friends house, had a very pleasant afternoon, he fell asleep on their couch for over an hour leaving me to control the children. He drank so I drove. On the way home, he told me he was meeting his friend who’d been away for a while and had some money for him (after our argument fri, he’d gone to walk his friends dogs as he was away, so I knew the money bit was legit) but sti very suspicious about why he needed to charge out the minute we got home.
So we get home, he asks ‘why am I moody? I always give him **** when he wants to go out’ etc I tell him yeah of course I do as it means he’s going to score 🙄 he literally runs out the door and into his car (shock horror he told me he was going to meet his friend down the alley).
He goes MIA for a while but by this point I’m NOT bothered. Eventually calls nearly 3 hours later, I can tell by his voice he’s high as a ******* kite... why has he called? His friend needs to go to wales tomorrow so would I mind him driving there with the kids if he provides the petrol?
Last. *******. Straw.
Ive messaged my boss to say I need this week off to settle my affairs, ive told my husband if he comes back I’ll be calling the police. I’m not sure where to go from here; think I’m in shock as I feel strangely calm, although I have shed a few tears. He’s non stop calling and texting but I feel numb to it.
Just not sure what to do next? Kids not back to school til next Tuesday, he’s not back to work til Thursday. I just want to stay away from him because I know I’m weak and I don’t want to give him the opportunity to talk me round. I don’t know if I can keep him out of the flat because his name is on the tenancy too but I don’t want to leave as this will unsettle the children even more.
God he’s good with the emotional black mail, you should read the messages he’s sending me! He’s had me so conditioned over the years. Always telling me he can’t be a junkie as he hands me over his wages every week to pay bills (minus the £80 a week he takes and the extra £30-£40 he makes on the side). He’s tried telling me I’ve got it good and would I prefer him to sink a bottle of whiskey and beat me or run around chasing other woman?
i mean, im no supermodel, but even I know my options aren’t limited to that! And do you know what? Even if they are my options I’ll just stay bloody single! I’m worth more than being married to an active addict who would sell my soul to get one more hit.
Now, can I please hear some of your stories? I’d like to know what others have been through and do you know what? A little bit of validation that I’m not overreacting.... years of being told that my opinion of his drug use is over the top has taken a slight hold of I’m honest....
ive got no idea how I’m going to cope now with my job, bills, rent etc no bloody idea!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
you are not over-reacting. you have a full out drug seeking addict on your hands. you have someone who is HIGH in your home around your children. that's as bad as it gets.
stand your ground. enough is enough. call in reinforcements if needed.
stand your ground. enough is enough. call in reinforcements if needed.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I don't feel like posting my story, but feel free to look it up. It's horrendous. But it has the same theme as all the others on here: lies, manipulation, broken promises, gaslighting, etc.
Your husband is becoming more comfortable about his drug use. It's almost like he's daring you to actually stick to your word. It probably won't be long before he takes you along on his drug runs, whether you know it or not. I would definitely not be surprised if he's already done so with the kids.
Your husband is becoming more comfortable about his drug use. It's almost like he's daring you to actually stick to your word. It probably won't be long before he takes you along on his drug runs, whether you know it or not. I would definitely not be surprised if he's already done so with the kids.
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