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Old 12-08-2019, 01:46 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Boyfriend has (possibly) been relapsing and ended things out of the blue


I apologize in advance, this is my first post, and it's going to be a long one as I have no idea where to start. My boyfriend (ex?) who I now believe is an opioid addict broke things off after a fight and has been acting erratically ever since. I'm broken and confused and I feel so alone.

We met back in August and immediately hit it off. He had just turned 30, I was 27 (I just turned 28 this week). We just had this wild, natural connection. It was easy and I was so excited because I hadn’t felt that way about anyone in years, maybe ever. Things progressed quickly. We went on 4 dates over the course of 3 weeks. After our 2nd date, he initiated the “what are you looking for?” convo and to my surprise and excitement, confessed that we were both looking for a relationship. He acknowledged that things with me just felt comfortable, to which I agreed, and his boldness/honesty was so refreshing. I truly felt like I finally found “my person.” So I wasn’t surprised when at the end of our 4th date he asked me to be his girlfriend, saying he just really liked me and didn’t want to waste anymore time. This was the end of August so we had been seeing each other for almost a month. I didn’t see anything wrong with making things official, it took a lot of stress off of things for me tbh, but one thing I was concerned with and brought up was if HE was ready because he had just gotten out of a 4 year relationship just a few months prior to meeting me. He said it had been over for awhile with his ex and that he was fully ready to start a new relationship with me. Having been in a similar situation myself a few years ago, I believed him and so we began our relationship. Looking back, however, this night should have been a red flag that he was struggling with something.

I'll start by saying I am a social drinker and occasionally do cocaine. Having not known my bf had a history with drug use, that night I stupidly mentioned I had a bag at my place. We had had the “do you do drugs?” talk on our second date and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, so I didn’t think anything of it. After I mentioned I had a bag, he wanted to leave in the middle of our date to go get the bag from my house and go back to his place with it. I initially thought this was just a spontaneous twist on the night, but I see now that is a little strange. Nonetheless, we went back to my place before heading back to a bar near his apartment. Back at his place and did a few lines, made some drinks, and just talked for HOURS. We told each other so many things about ourselves and it just strengthened our bond further. That night he opened up to me about mental health struggles (which I also deal with) but he revealed to me that he went to “rehab” for depression. Sounded a little weird to me but I thought he just meant he went to an inpatient program for a couple weeks to get his head clear and I let it go. During this conversation, he also showed me a bag of prescription medications he had. I had been on and off a few different meds recently for my mental health issues so once again, I didn’t think anything of it. He told me one medication he takes daily is gabapentin. He said this is for his depression. I see now that he has been abusing this medication.

As our relationship progressed, he would do or say things that I found odd and I’ll admit it caused tension in our relationship. For one, he would sleep either all day, or not at all/be up all hours of the night and get maybe 2 hours of sleep for days at a time. When I asked about these behaviors he just made easy excuses like he’s tired from work (he’s a freelance cinematographer and works crazy hours, when he’s working) and claimed he had insomnia. I eventually just accepted that he has a strange sleep schedule and let it go. He would also always complain about having a stomach ache and headache and on multiple occasions told me he was either at the hospital or going to the hospital. I always found that odd, who goes to the hospital that frequently? I later found out his doctor works out of a hospital, which made it less weird, but I still don't have any idea what type of doctor. He would use a lot of the same excuses “I fell asleep” or “I took a nap” (for 5-6 hours!) or “I took a sleeping pill” were the most common. One time I was supposed to come over and when I got there he didn't answer the door. I was so upset I left. He called me 6 hours later saying he took a sleeping pill. When I asked why he said he just thought it would make him drowsy, not put him out. I'm sure he took something other than a sleeping pill. Or maybe he did, but still this was a clear sign he was not okay but I somehow didn't see it.

Another thing that was odd to me was the number of friends he had that would pass away. Over the last 4 months, I think he’s had 4 friends pass. When I asked him, he said they died from overdose. Again, this should have connected the dots for me about his time in “rehab” but it didn’t. He was using recreationally with me (so I thought) over the first couple months we were together and I didn’t think anything was wrong because lots of people do drugs, we live in a big city. There were maybe 1 or 2 instances where he would say things to me like “let’s do a bump” at 7am on a Tuesday… or “I just need a line” on a Thursday afternoon, but as far as I knew, he just said these things and didn’t act on them. I thought he maybe was joking. Honestly, I was on a new medication for my mental illness that made me a ball of anxiety, and therefore, I was wrapped up in my own head. It's crazy how in hindsight, the signs are clear as day. Anyway, I think I can pinpoint when things started to turn for the worst.

Mid October, 2 of his friends passed back to back (in about a week) and I think this hit him hard. He reached out to me one morning saying he was feeling really depressed, and it seemed like he had more to say but held back. I let him know I was there for him but that must not have been enough. That week was one of our worst. He would normally call and text me frequently throughout the day but this week he barely replied to me. He said he was depressed, then it turned into he was sick with a flu or something. This lasted for a full week. He wouldn’t let me come over to take care of him or anything. He just wanted to be alone. This killed me but looking back, he likely was struggling with depression and his addiction.

This all happened the week of Halloween, and Halloween day was the first time he mentioned buying narcos. It didn’t end up working out but that was the first time he ever mentioned opioids to me. Shamefully, I'll admit, we did end up getting a bag that night instead and stayed up for hours talking again. Neither one of us slept, but he didn't even nap the next day. His solution to not being tired was to do more coke, I disagreed. While I spent the day working and napping, he stayed up no problem. That night he decided he wanted to go out, I didn't. He had gone to a neighbor's and thought I was sleeping, so he came back home, stole my bag of coke, and left me alone so he could stay up for an after hours party. I confronted him about it and all he said was he would buy more and tried to convince me to come out. Sigh. Then maybe a week or so later, he asked me if I had any narcos laying around…this was mid-morning. I kind of looked at him funny and said “no” but that did catch me off guard. Another thing is that he would take 3-4 Advil almost daily in the morning…and I never said anything. He was clearly spiraling out of control and I couldn’t see it at the time.

I realize now that all this shady behavior must have been him trying to hide his struggle with addiction. I feel horrible for not realizing this all sooner and maybe I could have done a better job being his supportive partner but the matter of the fact is, he hid this from me. And he hid it pretty damn well. I actually didn’t realize any of this until his behavior shifted and he broke up with me ON FACEBOOK after a fight a couple weeks ago. To sum it up, basically I got upset over something small on instagram and let my anxiety take over. I started crying and he had no idea what to do. We ended up talking things out (so I thought) and he said everything was okay, he respects me and loves me and that he gets where I’m coming from. He even texted me a sweet goodnight text like normal. So I thought everything was fine and texted him “good morning” and he just didn’t reply all day, which was not like him. Being in an anxious state of mind, I pushed and started a problem over this and he said he needed space. He said he was tired of having good nights together and then fighting at the end. If I'm being honest, this happened twice back to back. Of course I didn’t stop there and demanded to know why he needed space. He then went on Facebook in the heat of the moment and changed his status to “single.” Soooo petty and also so not like him, he doesn’t really care about social media, but he knows I do so I figured that’s why he did that. At this point, I realized I needed to get it together so I just agreed with him and decided to give him space. I reached out a couple days later to ask if he still wanted to go to my company holiday party and he said he “didn’t think that was the best idea” which to me, was an okay answer…at least he didn’t mention the break up. So I said okay and then he asked me if I was okay, and I said “yeah I’m fine.” Obviously not true but his behavior was so unlike him I wasn't sure how to handle any of this.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving, I sent him a “Happy Thanksgiving” text. He replied hours later with “Happy Thanksgiving!” And then followed it up about 30 min later with “Hope you’re doing well, I miss ya.” I was so happy to hear that so I said I missed him too and asked how he was doing. He said “I’m okay.” I replied “Yeah I feel ya. It’s hard not talking to you” and he said “yea I feel the same.” So I’m thinking, great, we both are unhappy apart and missing each other. Let’s just fix this. I ended up writing a nice letter to him just explaining how I felt, explaining my anxiety and what I was doing to manage it, explaining what I’ve realized about our relationship (we have a communication issue), and then telling him how I appreciate all the sweet things he’s done for me and our fun times together. He’s currently subleasing a friends condo and doesn’t have the mailbox key so I wasn’t sure if he would get it but whatever I have it on my phone too. The Monday after Thanksgiving was my birthday - he texted me right in the morning and said "Happy Birthday." Not the sweetest message, but he’s still showing he cares, right? Well that was it. No conversation or anything. I was getting a little frustrated by this because it had been 2 weeks of “space” although we’d basically talked every couple of days. And I didn't even know why he needed space in the first place...we got in a small argument that could have easily been resolved. He wasn't communicating with me at all.

On Wednesday, my friend called me to tell me she saw him on Hinge, the dating app we met on. I thought maybe it was his old profile and I asked her to send me screenshots. It was a new profile, I took most of the pics. I was FURIOUS. I called him, he didn’t answer. So I texted him “Hey when can I come get my stuff?” He had been holding onto my stuff as leverage, which was fine because I wanted to stay together too but this just hurt soooo bad. He called me back right away and didn’t seem to know what I called for but seemed happy to hear my voice. I again asked when I can get my stuff and he sounded really confused and his response was that he was on a work trip and would bring it “next week” (always a vague answer when it comes to giving me my stuff back) so then there was some silence and I brought up that he’s on hinge and how disappointing that is and how I thought he was a good guy, etc.. he interrupts me to defend his actions saying “yeah I made a hinge but I’m not on there to f**** around, I’m just bored” or something along those lines. I told him how hurtful it was and I asked him if he was considering working things out with me why he would think making a hinge was a good idea. He said he didn’t think it was a big deal cause he wasn’t doing anything. I’ll spare the details on this conversation because this is already a long post, but basically we spent 15 minutes going back and forth over what happened and all he could say was I “scared the s*** out of him” but he couldn’t explain what that meant. It's almost like he literally could not make sense. I’d never actually noticed him acting this way before. He also was focused on some small detail that happened during our argument that didn’t matter (i.e. I backed into trash cans when parking my car and he is CONVINCED I did that to spite him - called me a liar and everything like wtf?? That makes no sense). The phone call ended with him saying he loves me and to send him the message I had mailed and he would talk to me later. So I did that. He replied saying that he appreciates the kind words but needed a moment to take it in. That’s fine, he was working, I get it. I also think he needs to really think about all that I said, because it was a really nice, thought out note. At this point, however, I wasn't entirely sure I wanted to work things out because he was on Hinge and I felt like I can't trust him. Honestly, all his strange behaviors and excuses made it hard to trust him initially but we had really gotten stronger. This was devastating to me.

The next morning he called me, mad at me for looking at someone that he follow’s story on instagram…I think this was a manipulative attempt to feel like he is back in control, since I flipped the roles when I asked for my stuff back and called him out for being on Hinge. I didn’t respond to any of his attempts to get a rise in me. This only frustrated him more and he texted me again that he will bring my stuff over when he gets back. I then decided to give him an ultimatum. He called me a little later and said he’s “done.” This is just all so out of character for him and I’m just at a loss. How can he go from saying he loves me the night before to being “done” the next morning? His behavior was so erratic and reactive. It's like he wasn't thinking anything through. That’s when I started to make all these connections to addiction and started remembering all the things that hadn't made sense to me throughout our relationship.

I know we’ve only been together for a few months but I do believe what we have is real. It was so easy and comfortable and it just feels right. All of this has been so confusing and hurtful to me because we’ve been in love since early September (he said it first) and I truly believe this man loves me. He has shown me he loves me every day up until now. Even the day before he suddenly ended things over a small fight. A week or so before this fight he told his mom we were getting really serious and we even got matching tattoos (well he technically matched my idea, but still, he really liked the idea and it meant something to him, so he said). His behavior just doesn’t make sense. We haven’t talked since the ultimatum on Thursday, and I blocked him on social media so we can have some true space from each other and he can’t keep tabs on me like he did the 2 weeks prior. I'm just worried about this decision now that I've realized that he actually may be battling addiction again. I say "may" and "possibly" because he hasn't outright TOLD me, although it's obvious to everyone that he is.

I guess what I’m looking for is for someone to tell me what I can do in this situation. I just want him to know that 1. I know and 2. I’m here for him and I'm going to support him the best way I can. Even if that's not as his girlfriend right now. I know the only way we have a chance together is if he gets clean. I don’t think I can be with him until then, I just can’t take the lies and manipulation. Again, of course I still want to be in his life as best as possible but I know I deserve better as a girlfriend. I know he's capable of treating me the way I deserve, but I also recognize that he's not that guy right now. I love him and care about him so much and all I want is for him to get better before things get worse and something terrible happens like he loses the respect he has in the industry or gets a DUI again (he got one a few years ago).

On the other hand, I just want to know what he’s thinking. It might be selfish to make this about me but I just have a million questions racing through my head. Could the fight have been something that he couldn't handle emotionally with all the pain he's feeling and the drugs in the mix? Is that why things flipped like they did? I just don't understand why he would want to end things so suddenly after having so many nice nights together and saying how much he loves me. My therapist says he might have a lot of strong feelings for me but doesn't know how to deal with them, aside from the drug use. Can you still form real connections and feelings with people when you’re on drugs? I’m not sure how often he was taking something in our first couple months of dating, but he definitely was. I keep going back and forth in my head, questioning everything, torturing myself asking if he loves me or ever did. I believe he did but this all is just a shock to me.

I understand he’s probably not focused on the pain he’s causing me or focused on that he might have just lost me, because it's likely the pain that he is feeling is far deeper and has nothing to do with me. However, I do hope that deep down he truly cares about me and loves me like he’s shown me and said he does the past 4 months. It's killing me to not talk to him or know what he's doing. I just hope he's hurting over this, missing me too, just a little. He’s supposed to bring my stuff over on Wednesday, I want to talk to him but I’m scared. I don’t know which guy will show up. Like I said, I truly feel in my heart that we can be together one day but he’s got to get this under control first. But it has to be his choice. I think maybe in the past he went to rehab for his ex-girlfriend or his family, but not for himself.

Sorry I know that was a lot, I rambled a bit. I would really appreciate if anyone could offer the following:

-support
-positive stories/partners getting clean and reconnecting
-advice on how to approach him about
-explain a drug addicts behavior/what he could possibly be thinking that lead him to this

My head can’t understand all that’s happened, but that’s probably because it just doesn’t and won't ever make sense... thanks in advance.
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Old 12-08-2019, 03:10 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi cmw and welcome, sorry for what brings you here though.

Your post may seem long but it's good to give as much information as possible.

Can addicts love? Well they certainly can to the best of their ability. You use drugs, how aware are you when you are drinking and have used cocaine. How much of that is you and how much is the drugs?

Is he an addict? Well signs point to it. Can you do anything about that, not really. You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it. While you can certainly share your feelings about it, if you want to, remember that in doing so you will then become the enemy. If he is an addict, trying to get between him and his drugs is not going to be pretty.

There are so many red flags waving in your story I'm not even sure where to start. He broke up with you by changing his status on FB? Who does that? What 30 year old man does that?

Reacting to instagram?

He's on a dating app. It's not because he had nothing to do that day, people put themselves on a dating app to find a date, period.

There is a lot to sort through here, the drugs, the emotional immaturity, the lying the clashing and conflict.

Is this really what you want in a relationship? Also, don't be so quick to dismiss your own drug use. Unless you are really clear headed, you can't sift through all the data that is coming to you.

You have only known him for 4 months (16 weeks). As difficult as it might be now, it will only get harder the longer you let this go on. As you read around the forum (which I really recommend) you will see that a relationship with an addict - I mean a good relationship, is all but impossible.

You might also want to visit the F&F of alcoholics forum: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Quote:
but he’s got to get this under control first. But it has to be his choice. I think maybe in the past he went to rehab for his ex-girlfriend or his family, but not for himself.
He hasn't said anything about wanting to quit. So I think his choice right now is pretty clear?

As an aside, if he is an addict and he does seek recovery, that means he can never drug again - ever, he may also have a problem with alcohol? If so, if his addiction extends to alcohol, that means no more alcohol ever as well - no, not even wine with dinner. Is that a lifestyle/partner you would choose.

Have you asked yourself why you would choose this relationship with all the games and angst and drama?
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Old 12-08-2019, 03:34 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I second everything trailmix said.

Quote:
I know we’ve only been together for a few months but I do believe what we have is real.
I'm sorry, but there is no real relationship with an active addict; and make no mistake, this guy is an addict in active addiction. What you have seen is real addiction and he shows no real willingness to stop. Four months isn't nearly long enough to truly know someone, but what you have seen and experienced over this short time is what your future would be with him.

To be honest, I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did if you didn't also use drugs. He has lied to you multiple times, deceived you, cheated on you, and stolen from you. If a good friend, or sister came to you and told you all these things, what would your advice to her be?

You definitely deserve better, but first, you need to get some help for your own issues.
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Old 12-08-2019, 03:49 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Thanks for replying, trailmix. I appreciate your insight and I've replied to your comments below:

Good point about my own drug use. I'd say I'm still me for the most part, but I typically set limits for myself. Maybe a little more honest than when I'm sober. I haven't been keeping a close eye on his drug use, but I have reason to believe he has not been setting limits for himself.

"While you can certainly share your feelings about it, if you want to, remember that in doing so you will then become the enemy. If he is an addict, trying to get between him and his drugs is not going to be pretty." - Is there anyway to gently approach the topic? Not really trying to share my feelings, but more so offer my support. I assume he is already pissed at me since I gave him an ultimatum and took away the control, which then already makes me the enemy. But hopefully he will see things differently one day and then, we can talk. I just want him to know I'm open to working things out if he gets clean.

While I agree his recent actions are certainly emotionally immature, they aren't typical or consistent with his actions throughout the relationship, which sucks. I had the exact same reaction to him changing his relationship on FB in the middle of a fight... really, who does that?! He's never been one to care about Instagram so that was also a surprise to me. I don't really know what I believe about the dating app. The profile looks rushed - the responses are erratic, sad, and simply don't make any sense. I.e. Question: "Dating me is like..." Answer: "No f***ing clue" ?! Who would say yes to someone with those answers? By no means am I trying to make any excuses, this behavior is wrong and is the main reason I ended things, but this behavior is not like the man I know and love.

"Is this really what you want in a relationship? Also, don't be so quick to dismiss your own drug use. Unless you are really clear headed, you can't sift through all the data that is coming to you."

I'll address my own drug use first. I am fortunate in the sense that although I suffer from a mild form of Bipolar Disorder, drugs do not typically effect me. I can "sit" on drugs, so-to-speak. I can have a bag of coke on hand and not touch it for a month. I don't need drugs and I also don't have interest in doing them often. He and I did drugs maybe 3 times together over the past 4 months. The problem for me over the past month or so was a new medication that altered my mind tremendously. I barely remember my life, everything is foggy as if I'm on autopilot and watching myself from afar. This is how I missed majority of these red flags that all point to drug addiction. Having a hard time recalling situations is also making this hard for me to handle.

As for what I want in a relationship, I think I made it clear that I do not want the lies, manipulation, or the drug use. This person is more than that, though. He's shown me kindness, compassion, care, concern, affection, love, support, and joy. He's made me the happiest I've been in years. We became very close very quickly and we've shared a lot with one another. He just gets me. The problem is the lying and manipulation and lack of communication that appears to manifest with the addiction. This saddens me because he truly is a sweet person who deserves happiness and love just like anyone else but he's stuck dealing with his demons.

I understand that having a good relationship with an addict is challenging. I've been told having a relationship with someone with Bipolar Disorder is challenging too. But yes, I am willing to sacrifice alcohol and drugs (including wine!) because I care.

"He hasn't said anything about wanting to quit. So I think his choice right now is pretty clear?" - He's been to rehab twice in the past year: once sometime last Fall and once in May. I assumed that maybe he is aware or may soon become aware that he has fallen back and will likely go back to rehab soon? I understand it's not my choice to make, it's his choice, but I do have hope that he will start to realize he's headed back down a bad path and seek help.

"Have you asked yourself why you would choose this relationship with all the games and angst and drama?" - It wasn't always games, angst, and drama. The relationship the way it is/has turned into I don't want. But I do care about this person and hope the best for them and if it works out down the road, it works out. I personally cannot handle the lies and drama and have recognized that it's best to walk away. However, before I go, I just simply want him to know I care. Love him from afar I guess.
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Old 12-08-2019, 04:28 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by suki44883 View Post
I second everything trailmix said.



I'm sorry, but there is no real relationship with an active addict; and make no mistake, this guy is an addict in active addiction. What you have seen is real addiction and he shows no real willingness to stop. Four months isn't nearly long enough to truly know someone, but what you have seen and experienced over this short time is what your future would be with him.

To be honest, I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did if you didn't also use drugs. He has lied to you multiple times, deceived you, cheated on you, and stolen from you. If a good friend, or sister came to you and told you all these things, what would your advice to her be?

You definitely deserve better, but first, you need to get some help for your own issues.
I believe I asked for supportive, not judgmental responses.

First of all, I've been through hell and back for things you wouldn't even dare want to ask. I've been in therapy on and off for years and have been consistently in treatment over the past year. So I guess you can say I am getting help for my "own issues," whatever you mean by that.

Second, I don't think he was in active addiction since day 1, and I do believe we did form a real connection. We would spend a lot of time together, day after day after day. So I know he wasn't always using at the beginning. It's very possible he took pills when I wasn't looking but that's neither here nor there. I do not agree with you - you can learn more about someone in a few months than a few years, it all depends on the people and the relationship. I've been in a long term relationship for 4 years, and I can honestly say I know this guy better than I knew my LTX. Regardless, it's clearly worsened over time.

Lastly, I don't "use" drugs. You act as though the only way this guy was with me was because I was constantly handing him drugs. We did drugs together a total of 3 times. We would act as a normal couple, going to dinner or to the bar for a few drinks a couple nights a week. There were plenty of nights that we didn't even drink at all.
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Old 12-08-2019, 04:34 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I understand that having a good relationship with an addict is challenging. I've been told having a relationship with someone with Bipolar Disorder is challenging too. But yes, I am willing to sacrifice alcohol and drugs (including wine!) because I care.
I understand that. Two different things, "active" addiction and someone in recovery. Someone in recovery for a period of time (probably at LEAST a year of solid recovery) is on their way to healing. Of course could always relapse at any time, as he has.

Quote:
He's been to rehab twice in the past year: once sometime last Fall and once in May. I assumed that maybe he is aware or may soon become aware that he has fallen back and will likely go back to rehab soon?
I say this kindly, but this sounds more like wishful thinking than anything based on his behaviour. Based on what you have said I don't see any indication one way or the other. Let's just say you are right and he gets to rehab next week. What's to say it will stick this time. He's been twice in the last year. No guarantees and no indication of him wanting to go anyway.

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I personally cannot handle the lies and drama and have recognized that it's best to walk away. However, before I go, I just simply want him to know I care. Love him from afar I guess
That's a really reasonable decision. That can be said in a text or email perhaps? Short and to the point.

The less contact you have with him right now the better it will be for you in the long run. Distance here is your friend. Those mixed up excuses and conversations you had, those are part of him. The lies, the sleeping, the app, the ridiculous behaviour, don't be quick to dismiss any of this in your mind.

He is both - the guy you believe to be underneath and an active addict with quite a drug problem. He is not two people.

Be kind to yourself, focus on yourself? Eat well, get plenty of rest, bit of exercise and try to do things that you normally enjoy.

One thing that can help is to make a list, while it is all still fresh in your mind of every broken date, every mean comment and action and keep that list with you. When you get to thinking of the "good times" refer to that list, even 20 times a day if needed. The mind doesn't like to dwell on the negative but it's imperative you keep it in mind.
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Old 12-08-2019, 07:01 PM   #7 (permalink)
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All the ways you have described his behavior points to him having a problem with drugs and look at who his friends are....some have passed away because of drug OD's. Look at the company he tends to keep. When you brought up some of your concerns, he just got mad and defensive. He broke up with you on Facebook? Not good.

I can in no way tell you there is no connection....only you can determine that....but ask yourself what KIND of CONNECTION is BEST for your own self....he may have thought you're a cool chick partly because you have been using some drugs too. (incidentally, coke makes anxiety worse and is illegal)

He lives according to a double standard in that he gets to do whatever he wants, but you're not allowed to look at another guy's instagram. Double standards are really just lies and dishonesty in the end. Do you want that.? I think you want an honest relationship.

For you're own good the sooner this dude is in your rear view mirror the better.
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Old 12-08-2019, 07:02 PM   #8 (permalink)
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How can you say you don't use drugs when you admit to having a bag of coke on hand and offering it to hm on date #4? And later on getting more and staying up all night? And him stealing your stash?

He's been using drugs at least since your 4th date and had his own BAG of pills. People don't carry their prescription meds around in a Ziploc baggie as a matter of course.

If he ever plans to get clean he won't be choosing someone who is casual about drug use (everybody does them) and especially not someone who uses uses drugs.... at all.

As it is he broke up, right? Said he's done? Isn't reaching out. That's usually a clue.
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Old 12-08-2019, 11:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
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How can you say you don't use drugs when you admit to having a bag of coke on hand and offering it to hm on date #4? And later on getting more and staying up all night? And him stealing your stash?

I meant I don't use drugs regularly. Don't twist my words to fit your narrative. I have very little experience using drugs, hence why I couldn't see all the signs in front of me. Not that I need to explain any of my reasoning for having a bag to you. When did I say we got more on our 4th date? You've misread something. Yeah, we did it again 2 months later. And if half a bag of coke is a "stash" to you then yes, correct, he stole my "stash."

He's been using drugs at least since your 4th date and had his own BAG of pills. People don't carry their prescription meds around in a Ziploc baggie as a matter of course.

I think people are confused on this piece of the story. He has a large plastic ziplock baggy of different medications he has been prescribed. I, too, have a similar way of storing past medications. He wasn't carrying it around, it was in his apartment in a drawer. Not weird. But I did find naltrexone in his "stash" as you wish to refer to it.

If he ever plans to get clean he won't be choosing someone who is casual about drug use (everybody does them) and especially not someone who uses uses drugs.... at all.

I am by no means casual about drug use, hence why I have left the relationship because it is not healthy. However, in my limited experience with drugs, yes, the people I've participated in this with the situation has been casual. I've never met someone who was an addict, or at least that I knew of. Get off me.

As it is he broke up, right? Said he's done? Isn't reaching out. That's usually a clue.
Give it another read, you're missing a lot. Have a blessed day.
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Old 12-08-2019, 11:59 PM   #10 (permalink)
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It'd just like to say I'm not trying to be insensitive to drug use, it's just that in my limited exposure to drugs (I've really only tried coke about 2 years ago and majority of this year I did not use) it's been pretty casual. But by no means did I mean to imply that using drugs are no big deal... for some people it can ruin lives. I understand that.

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Old 12-09-2019, 01:50 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi cmw - firstly, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation and that you are hurting. I wanted to comment on a few things that I hope might help in some way. Not that it really matters, because as you read around here you'll see that there are some quite distinct patterns in relationships with addicts/alcoholics of any age, but for context I'm also in my late 20s and was in a short term relationship with a guy of a similar age. I had such big hopes for the relationship which started off so well (it felt like things were finally happening for me), and I was totally crushed and blindsided when it fell apart.

A few things stand out to me when I read your post, here are my impressions for what they are worth (of course I don't know you and am basing this off your post). You seem very observant and have good gut instincts (all of the things you noticed were strange), but you don't trust those observations/instincts (all of the explanations you accepted from him or came up with yourself). You spend a lot of time focusing on your behaviours, but only to work out what you have done badly or to blame yourself (not realising sooner that he was dealing with addiction, not being a "sufficiently supportive" partner, being "too anxious", etc). You also spend a lot of time focusing on his behaviours, but only so as to understand him and help him better, never to judge or criticise him. This doesn't seem fair to you. To turn it around, I'm wondering how much time he has spent thinking about why you behave the way you do, how his behaviour has impacted you, and how he can support you better and meet your needs? You're important too you know. Your needs in the relationship matter.

I know this is hard. I really recommend reading around this subforum (and the subforum for Friends and Family of Alcoholics, where I primarily lurk), even if you don't post, even if you're not yet sure of the advice or whether/how it applies to your own situation. I think you will find things that resonate with you, even if not everything does. It might take some time, addiction is a world that most people don't have an insight into (I know I didn't).

If you're not sure where to start, can I suggest a couple of threads that came to mind? I just tried to link these but my post count isn't high enough unfortunately so I've put in spaces..
- a "full circle" example of a poster who first posted when she was 4 months into a relationship wondering whether to proceed or not, and came back 2 years later to give an update (see bottom of page 4): https:// www .soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/254668-considering-dating-someone-early-recovery.html
- a poster who seemed to struggle with a lot of doubts and self-blame over her part in the relationship breakdown and in particular an anxious episode: https:// www .soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/262552-recovering-alcoholic-boyfriend-suddenly-left.html

By the way, when I first started reading here I was looking for hope that things would work out and I didn't like what I was reading, so I understand that you might be feeling a bit resistant or defensive. I was still very very attached to him and our time together, and I was certain that I had "missed out" on this amazing man and wonderful relationship, if only I had done something differently, if only I could work out what I had done wrong. I now read here to remind myself that regardless of his positive characteristics, the odds of a healthy relationship with him aren't good and definitely not at this time, and he did me a big favour in ending things with me and never reaching out (unfortunately it doesn't always feel that way, so that's why I still need the reminder). That may or may not be your trajectory, but just putting it out there that your feelings about him and the relationship may change a lot with time and as you learn more about addiction and the common patterns/behaviours that occur in relationships with people who suffer from addiction and aren't truly in recovery. This thread actually deals with exactly this point, about why some posts can come across as harsh to newcomers: https:// www .soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/106634-i-loved-him.html

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My head can’t understand all that’s happened, but that’s probably because it just doesn’t and won't ever make sense... thanks in advance.
^ Honestly, this is bang on the money and I don't think it is going to change.

I'm wishing you all the best
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Old 12-09-2019, 03:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Hi CMW

First let me say that I am sorry for your situation.

I posted my story back in June of 2017. It was extremely difficult for me to read the responses to my thread (s). I didn't like hearing that she was being called an addict. This was by some of the same people who are responding to your post.

No one here on this forum is trying to hurt you or rub salt in a fresh open wound. They are trying to help you understand what has happened to you. They all have vast knowledge & direct experience.

Obviously something very strange has occurred here. Its why you came to this forum. Same was true for me.

As I read your detailed story I found it mostly to be typical addict behavior. I have directly experienced much of it. I am not saying any of it to be mean or hurt you. I totally understand that it all just sucks. But it sucks for specific reasons. This forum is full of countless similar stories. You could read here for months.

The good news as I see it your whirl wind relationship was short term. There are no major entanglements. This was not the case with me. I was not so fortunate.

This is your precious life. You have to do what you have to do. Please be very careful as to the choices you make concerning him from here.

I hope you are able to find your answers & peace.
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Old 12-09-2019, 04:44 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I’m going to leave this article here for you about idealization/ love bombing, devaluation, discard. They talk about it here in regards to narcissism, but it you put that word aside and just look at the relationship pattern they are talking about here, you’ll find that it’s very common here on this board, with people struggling with their alcoholics/ addicts. Common with addicts, personality disorders, people who may have been emotionally stunted/ damaged, who have problems forming and sustaining long term attachments..

You are probably familiar with the term “honeymoon phase”, that’s why those early stages feel so good, but I personally believe the real person comes out later, as you get to know them and their behavior in various situations, over time. Also, the addiction to the substances just amplifies the behaviors, and you might notice that it’s a cycle (some people come back to the same person, and the idealization / devaluation/ discard happens all over again, some don’t). But I will leave this here for you, perhaps some of this will resonate with you? Maybe not now because this is all fresh and very hurtful stuff you are dealing with present time, but maybe down the line?

https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.goo...m-0325154/amp/
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Old 12-09-2019, 10:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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You seem very observant and have good gut instincts (all of the things you noticed were strange), but you don't trust those observations/instincts (all of the explanations you accepted from him or came up with yourself). You spend a lot of time focusing on your behaviours, but only to work out what you have done badly or to blame yourself (not realising sooner that he was dealing with addiction, not being a "sufficiently supportive" partner, being "too anxious", etc). You also spend a lot of time focusing on his behaviours, but only so as to understand him and help him better, never to judge or criticise him.
Hi hazy! Just want to say this is so spot on. Well said.
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Old 12-10-2019, 10:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
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If you're not sure where to start, can I suggest a couple of threads that came to mind? I just tried to link these but my post count isn't high enough unfortunately so I've put in spaces..
- a "full circle" example of a poster who first posted when she was 4 months into a relationship wondering whether to proceed or not, and came back 2 years later to give an update (see bottom of page 4): https:// www .soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/254668-considering-dating-someone-early-recovery.html
- a poster who seemed to struggle with a lot of doubts and self-blame over her part in the relationship breakdown and in particular an anxious episode: https:// www .soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/262552-recovering-alcoholic-boyfriend-suddenly-left.html
Thank you so much for this. I've read through the 2 posts you shared and they were very helpful. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting on Sunday and I've started therapy with a specialist in addiction recovery and managing feelings surrounding.
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Old 12-10-2019, 11:09 AM   #16 (permalink)
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That's so great to hear cmw, reaching out for support and help is brave.

I hope you will keep posting!
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Old 12-10-2019, 03:15 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Hi cmw,
I have read through your story and the replies, I can honestly say I understand how you are feeling. I too posted here a long time ago looking for hope and success stories. What I have learnt is that the only success you should be focusing on is your own ones. if he wants to go to rehab and get clean then he will, if he doesn’t then he won’t. Believe me I have tried every approach - shouting, shaming, supporting from a distance, ignoring him, kicking him out. None have worked. I have spent years trying to make him a success story - his idea of success is getting drugs!!!

I have learnt the hard way that I can’t save him and I need to save myself from his addiction. All of this has had a huge impact on my physical and mental health because I refused to listen to the advice I was given on here. I often argued that he was different to other addicts and that he was a kind, loving person etc. I now believe that the kind, loving person is present as a manipulative strategy - to guilt trip me into not leaving/to convince me that my judgement is wrong when I start to detach.

Try not to read the comments as judgements of you, these are people that care but also understand we can often by blinded by an addicts charm and the need to save them.

take care of yourself and tip- toe away from him quietly (by the time he notices you will be stronger)
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Old 12-11-2019, 01:46 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Thank you so much for this. I've read through the 2 posts you shared and they were very helpful. I went to my first Al-Anon meeting on Sunday and I've started therapy with a specialist in addiction recovery and managing feelings surrounding.
I’m glad to hear it, I think that’s really brave and proactive of you. Would be interested to know how you found the group setting and support compared to individual therapy (if you feel like sharing!). I also hope that the meet up to get your things back goes/went ok, I think you mentioned that was going to happen today.
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Old 12-11-2019, 04:37 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I’m glad to hear it, I think that’s really brave and proactive of you. Would be interested to know how you found the group setting and support compared to individual therapy (if you feel like sharing!). I also hope that the meet up to get your things back goes/went ok, I think you mentioned that was going to happen today.
I know that I have to take care of myself first, always. I have my first appointment tomorrow with the new therapist so I'll update after that. As for meeting up and getting my things back...he hasn't reached out and neither have I so... I guess we wait *shrug*
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Old 12-13-2019, 12:26 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Hope the new therapist was good cmw.
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