Into Orbit ~ Melody Beattie
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Into Orbit ~ Melody Beattie
This is perhaps my favourite reading from Language of Letting Go.
I thought I could save my son. I thought if we loved him enough and gave him a safe place to live and directed his actions...that maybe, just maybe, he would see the light.
In the end, we did more harm than good. We helped him escape consequences for his actions, bailing him out of jail, paying his creditors, falling for his "stories" which always involved giving him money that went straight to his drug dealer...we gave him a soft place to land and were a good "cover" for his illegal activities and we are lucky that WE did not end up in jail for knowing he was involved in drugs and stolen goods.
Please read this once...then read it again. If you think that it's different for you, that your loved one isn't like "those people", then read it again and again. Find help for yourself, meetings or counseling or read some good recovery material such as "Language of Letting Go" or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She tells it like it is and most times she nails it.
Hugs
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Into Orbit
It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.
— CODEPENDENT NO MORE
I think I can change him. Nobody’s ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I’ll be the one to do that, and then he’ll change. . . . She’s never been with anybody trustworthy before. I’ll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she’ll be able to love. . . . Nobody’s been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I’ll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody’s ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody’s ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we’re thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone’s life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won’t work. It’ll make us crazy. We can trust that. We’re not seeing things clearly. Something’s going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be ”the one” all right—the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It’s a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.
. . . It’s a rescue. It’s a game move, a game we don’t have to play. We don’t have to prove we’re the one. If we’re out to show people we’re the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they’re the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or “the one who will.”
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From the book: The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series
I thought I could save my son. I thought if we loved him enough and gave him a safe place to live and directed his actions...that maybe, just maybe, he would see the light.
In the end, we did more harm than good. We helped him escape consequences for his actions, bailing him out of jail, paying his creditors, falling for his "stories" which always involved giving him money that went straight to his drug dealer...we gave him a soft place to land and were a good "cover" for his illegal activities and we are lucky that WE did not end up in jail for knowing he was involved in drugs and stolen goods.
Please read this once...then read it again. If you think that it's different for you, that your loved one isn't like "those people", then read it again and again. Find help for yourself, meetings or counseling or read some good recovery material such as "Language of Letting Go" or "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. She tells it like it is and most times she nails it.
Hugs
------------------------------------
Into Orbit
It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.
— CODEPENDENT NO MORE
I think I can change him. Nobody’s ever really loved him and appreciated him before. I’ll be the one to do that, and then he’ll change. . . . She’s never been with anybody trustworthy before. I’ll prove how trustworthy I am, and then she’ll be able to love. . . . Nobody’s been able to get to her, to conquer her, before. I’ll be the one to do that. . . . Nobody’s ever really given him a chance. . . . Nobody’s ever really believed in him before. . . .
These are warning signs. Red lights. Red flags. In fact, if we’re thinking these thoughts, they need to be stop signs.
If we have gotten hooked into believing that somehow we will be the one who will make the difference in someone’s life, if we are trying to prove how good we can be for someone, we may be in trouble.
This is a game. A deception. It won’t work. It’ll make us crazy. We can trust that. We’re not seeing things clearly. Something’s going on with us.
It will be self-defeating.
We may be ”the one” all right—the one to wind up victimized.
The whole thought pattern reeks of codependency, of not being responsible for oneself, and of victimization. Each person needs to do his or her own work.
Nobody in the past has really understood him. . . . Nobody has seen what I see in her. . . . It’s a set-up. It sets us up to stop paying attention to ourselves while we focus too much on the other person. It takes us away from our path and often puts us in orbit.
Nobody has appreciated him enough. . . . Nobody has been good enough to her, or done for her what I can do.
. . . It’s a rescue. It’s a game move, a game we don’t have to play. We don’t have to prove we’re the one. If we’re out to show people we’re the best thing that ever happened to them, it may be time to see if they’re the best thing that ever happened to us.
We have not been appointed as guardian angel, godmother, godfather, or “the one who will.”
The help, support, and encouragement that truly benefits others and ourselves emerges naturally. Let it.
God, help me let go of my need to meet dysfunctional challenges in my relationships.
From the book: The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I understand, Hardlessons.
I thought that I was the strong mother who could rise above all the chaos, and darkness of addiction and save my son from himself. I drove where no mama should drive at all hours of the night to try to find my son. I was more afraid of something bad happening to him than to me.
My bottom was showing up at a crack house door threatening to kick it down if they didn't send him out. He came out...and when I went home, he went back.
That was the night I gave my son's care to God and let go, once and for all.
It was never my job to direct my son's life. He was an adult and had to find his own way...or not.
This reading reminds me that all I can do is pray, for my son and for my courage to stand back.
I thought that I was the strong mother who could rise above all the chaos, and darkness of addiction and save my son from himself. I drove where no mama should drive at all hours of the night to try to find my son. I was more afraid of something bad happening to him than to me.
My bottom was showing up at a crack house door threatening to kick it down if they didn't send him out. He came out...and when I went home, he went back.
That was the night I gave my son's care to God and let go, once and for all.
It was never my job to direct my son's life. He was an adult and had to find his own way...or not.
This reading reminds me that all I can do is pray, for my son and for my courage to stand back.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
I know your story Ann I am sorry for your situation with your son.
I tried very hard for years to help her. But that journey ended up being a road of nothing which lead absolutely nowhere.
Hopefully God is watching over your son & her.
Thanks
I tried very hard for years to help her. But that journey ended up being a road of nothing which lead absolutely nowhere.
Hopefully God is watching over your son & her.
Thanks
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 8
Thank you for this post! It’s true that’s how I feel or am trying not to feel. I feel like it was my choice to have her so it’s my responsibility to save her and protect her... how could I not? What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t try? Let go they say, save yourself they say... that was making me mad, how could I that’s so cruel. Until I realized just recently and am still struggling with how could she???? How could she be so deceiving and cruel and have no love for herself??? But I allowed myself to get wrapped up in her insanity and I’m learning to let go. It seems so unfair but it is what it is. I need to save myself. I cannot win against heroin and the mind it has distorted. I have this sense of mourning inside me like I’ve already lost her.... I guess I still have to live and be grateful for what I have done in my life and who I am. I’m a good person and do not deserve to be treated with such hatefulness. I pray that she will have a moment of clarity and see she’s worth living and having love and happiness... she’s only 19
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 91
Still conflicted
I am not solid yet. Haven't seen my two young grandchildren in 6 months nor my daughter. My oldest GS is in college trying to bankrupt me because I'm his soul support other than a part time job. He's doing great and thank God for that or I wouldn't even be able to post here. My daughter ODed and lost custody and then her bf ODed and died. The bi-polar crackhead alcoholic ( not an exaggeration) got custody and after he scammed me out of $500 I had finally had enough of enabling, so much so that I went no contact with the kids as well. The parents had used those kids to manipulate me for 16 years. Even a fool has his limits. I still struggle with abandonment issues, both from my experiences and staying away from the children. Life has never been so empty.
Nature Girl
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
BCSad and Sissyfuss, I know your pain and there is no easy solution. We lose our children and we lose our grandchildren through no fault of our own.
I find my peace by saying a prayer each day and asking God to watch over each one of them, the leave it in His merciful hands.
I will include your children in my prayers too, God loves ALL his children, including our addicted ones.
I find my peace by saying a prayer each day and asking God to watch over each one of them, the leave it in His merciful hands.
I will include your children in my prayers too, God loves ALL his children, including our addicted ones.
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