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Old 11-06-2019, 10:16 AM   #1 (permalink)

Join Date: Nov 2019
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Will he ever get better?

Hi everyone, I've been reading a lot of posts over the last few days and have felt SO much more clarity in my situation. My story is of
course very similar to many others that I've read, however I feel like I would just like to get some positive words and encouragement in
my own situation. My ex and I had been together for about two years. A couple of months into dating he told me about his problem with
prescription pain pills in the past. How he was dating someone who got him hooked on them but then eventually he moved back home, stopped
talking to everybody and sobered up. He wound up getting married and having a child after that (which obviously didn't work out for their
own reasons), and then I met him a few months after he separated from his ex wife.
We really had a great relationship. I'm a single mom of two children (whose dad is an alcoholic, go figure lol) and he was more than
amazing with my daughters. He was their dad in every way, which made me latch on to him even more. Though I've had experience with an
alcoholic I have never had experience with pills. I was very naive and the helper in me just wanted him to be happy. I loved him, and I
loved how great he was to not only my daughters but his own daughter. I knew that he was still taking pills every once in a while, only
when he was in bad pain. I let him do it without much mention of anything because honestly it was easier. He was more helpful, in a
better mood, more loving, etc. It wasn't until it was too late that I really started opening up my eyes. We lived 2.5 hours away from
each other so I wasn't able to keep tabs on him consistently, nor did I want to. I wanted to trust with my whole heart that he was doing
the right thing.
But it started with the job jumping, constant job jumping. Then hanging out a lot with addicts, whether they were functioning addicts
with jobs or not, these were a lot of the same people he cut ties with in the past. Then the fact that he never had money. I realized
as much as I was trying to help him I was probably enabling him worse than anybody because I was constantly giving him money for any
excuse he had. I feel a lot of my own guilt for knowing in the back of my head what was going on and not wanting to see if for what it
actually was.
I finally broke up with him and stuck by my decision. Honestly, I still wasn't convinced of the addiction, I mainly broke up with him
because he was changing; he was more and more lazy, more agitated, and definitely taking more and more pills. But once again I just
wanted him to be happy. Our break up was not a bad one at first. We broke up at the end of August and still talked everyday for a couple
of weeks. I noticed that he was becoming more and more depressed. We met up on September 14th to talk in person. We talked about a lot
of things, we both laughed, cried, and hugged it out. He expressed all the classic lines, that I'm better off without him, he doesn't
know why he is the way that he is but I deserve better, he loved me more than anybody in his life, and he knows at the end of all of this
I will be happy. Through our whole relationship he was never particularly mean to me, he didn't lash out or blame things on me. He always
made it clear that I saved his life and made him the happiest he ever has been. But I also made things very easy for him, it wasn't
until I started setting boundaries that I realized that. Anyway, we decided that we would stay broken up but take things slow and get
back to the place we once were. Again, I was still not convinced he was that bad off, he has a history of depression and I was thinking
more along the lines of him needing to spend some time getting through that and not be stressed about him and I. I made it clear I wasn't
going anywhere.
We continued to talk for another week and then BOOM, just like that he stopped talking to me. He told me a couple of days later that he
was dating someone else and there is no more us. I didn't think he really was seeing someone else, I just thought he was pushing me away.
Then I found out from a friend of his that he's dating a woman who is a felon, former prostitue, and at one time a cocaine user. Normally
I would say ok that's in the past but I know for a fact that he has also bought pills from her too. So now he's living in this 2 bedroom
trailer with about 5 other people, shacking up on a couch with her.
I was so hurt and distraught about it. I tried like hell to reach out to him. He told me to leave him alone, that they're happy together.
A few days later, which was a month ago I reached out to him about a bill. He opened up to me a bit about how stressed he is and has so
much going on, that he wants me in his life but just needs time. So I said ok but the co-dependent in me didn't give him that time. I dug
and dug until I could find out as much as I could which was dumb on my end but I can't change it. I FINALLY realized that he is probably
deep in his addiction and I wound up sending him texts here and there letting him know I love him and I'm here for him. He eventually
texted me some pretty nasty stuff, told me I was crazy, that if I can't realize all the crap I caused him during our relationship then he
doesn't know what to tell me, and that him and his gf are happy and he's not on druge so stop contacting him because there is never a chance
for us ever again.
I haven't contacted him since which was about 3 weeks ago. Being outside of the situation I'm starting to realize how bad he actually is.
My ego was hurt, I was constantly thinking that he was having this happy, amazing relationship with her when in fact I know that they're
just enabling each other. I had a good talk with his mom last week, and she told me to let go of him right now, to focus my energy
elsewhere. It helped me a lot hearing that from her because him and his mom are very close. She's very much like me in a way, so while she
didn't come right out and say that he's in a bad place she did make it known he's not making good choices. I'm still in a very vulnerable
state and while I'm getting stronger everyday, I still want to hear that they broke up and he's back at home working at getting sober. I
want to hear from him and know that he's going to be ok. I'm doing better in my life, I've lost 25lbs since we broke up (in a healthy way),
my bank account is growing again, and my credit score is rising. I know I should be mad at him, he financially screwed me so bad and
recently has emotionally destroyed me, but I'm not mad at him. I want him to be healthy, if not for me then for his daughter. Pills are
the worst, addiction is the worst, I hate it all. I know not everybody will agree but I do think he did really love me, at least the best
that he could. There were a couple of times in the last 6-7 months he tried to push me away and say that things were getting worse for him
and he didn't know when they would get better, that he didn't want to drag me through this because it wouldn't be fair to me what happened.
I assumed he was talking about his depression that whole time because he never came out and said it.
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Old 11-06-2019, 11:49 AM   #2 (permalink)

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Hi Mishey

I think our addicts do love us. But its not a normal healthy type of love. Its a type of love which has been uniquely all jumbled up by addiction. Typical notions of love do not apply.

You have only known this guy for about two years. From what I read you have no other entanglements with him - ie marriage, houses, cars, finances, property, or children.

He is a drug addict. He told you to go. His mother told you to go.

I am not trying to be mean here but regardless of how you feel about him please go & don't look back. I know its a bad situation, I know its hard but save yourself before it gets worse - possibly much worse.

Get whatever help you need to save yourself. You dodged a bullet here. I would think very carefully about your future & the future of your daughter before putting yourself back into that line of fire.
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Old 11-06-2019, 12:43 PM   #3 (permalink)
Just livin' the dream
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I agree with HardLessons. Let him go. He will do whatever he will do and nothing you say or do will change that. You have a daughter to take care of. The last thing she needs is an active addict in her life.

You do deserve better. He was right about that, but he has moved on and told you to stop contacting him. Let him go. Take care of yourself and your daughter. I highly suggest you find an Alanon meeting and start attending.
We are stardust, we are golden, and we've got to get ourselves back to the garden.
- Joni Mitchell

"We call them dumb animals, and so they are, for they cannot tell us how they feel, but they do not suffer less because they have no words."
- Anna Sewell
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Old 11-06-2019, 02:02 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Suki expressed my thoughts exactly. Be grateful you can walk away, however painful that may be. It's not going to get better.

Meetings helped me find my balance and sanity again. Please find one and go. Your daughter deserves a healthy mother who makes good choices. And you deserve a better life too.

Dance, when you're broken open. Dance, if you've torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you're perfectly free.
― Rumi
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Old 11-06-2019, 02:51 PM   #5 (permalink)

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Thanks everyone, I'm far better along than I was a month ago, but I know I have a long way to go to emotionally recover from this. I am very grateful that I was strong enough to break it off with him and for finally listening to my gut that something was off. It's hard to let go of someone when all you want to do is help them, but I'm realizing that nothing I do can help him at this point. He made it clear that he wants nothing to do with me and now I can work on me and my daughter.
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Old 11-08-2019, 08:48 PM   #6 (permalink)
the girl can't help it
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BIGHUGS for you my dear. I can really feel your pain. I hope you will be very gentle with yourself and know that you are way better off without him.

Just remember for people like us the addict is our addiction and we can get even sicker than they are. I hope you will continue reaching out for support. I am very thankful to alanon for helping me get past the hurt and the insanity of living with someone in active addiction. I found a very good sponsor who understood and listened and gave me great ideas about how I could keep the focus on myself. Keep your head up and don't let this guy take you down he is not worth it.
nice has a hisssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss
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