Marriage counseling
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
SmartRose, I have never been (married 50 years, my son is the addict in my life) but I know that many churches offer counseling and they may be able to steer you to something more professional that is affordable.
Good luck with this.
Hugs
Good luck with this.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 9
Have you looked into options provided by your health insurance or local services that are provided on a sliding scale by therapist that are in training (over seen by a senior therapist - LMFT). That's how i found my (non marriage counseling)therapist. She's now in her own practice but even as a "student" she had provided me exceptional help. Good luck to you
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by SmartRose 
Have you gone to marriage counseling? How do you afford it?
Marriage counselling might do more harm than good (to you) at this point IF he is still using.
Most counsellors familiar with addiction won't take a couple where one is actively using.
Of the few stories I have read on SR it's a disaster. Addicts are manipulative and if you hope he will show up at marriage counselling and somehow put down all those addiction defenses and denial and manipulations - well why would he?
If he has been sober for a while and is in some type of recovery, well that's a different matter.
I'll see if i can find some of those threads for you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
We went to a couple sessions during the height of my sons meltdown and it at least opened the door to the fact we had both been in denial for a very long time about the differences in what we thought we should do for JJ. We had an EAP progam at work that allowed us up to 3 free sessions with counsellors available on that program. It was helpful for me. What really helped however was when I went to an addictions /codependent counselor who really helped me see my part of the codependency dance and it was the beginning of me being able to let go of the desperation to save my son.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I don't know your details or who is using/drinking/still/not...personally, my husband and I are both sober, and among the things we do for us as well as our relationships with our fam, is pastoral counseling every couple of months. Our counselor is terrific and it really supports our teamwork. My stepson is currently in treatment, so we learn more about how to help and support him while protecting ourselves, as well. We pay out of pocket at $130 a session. I see my own therapist every few weeks, out of pocket at $120 and I see my psychiatrist every 3 mo ($215). Other than that, AA is our freebie.
Options for any significant other or fam member include Al Anon, and the mention of an EAP or other resources might include multiple types of counseling.
Here, there are some good sliding fee scale counseling programs like mentioned above. There are also places (sometimes a university) that train counselors, psychologists, so on, and they treat patients while training. This stuff is obv a lot less expensive. Treatment centers often have open sessions (free, and to the community not just people who've been there or have fam there) so that would be a group not 1-1 or couples for you only, but we do get stuff out of those as well.
When someone is still drinking or using it is indeed a challenge to say the least. Going on your own would always be a good idea, imo.
Take care.
Options for any significant other or fam member include Al Anon, and the mention of an EAP or other resources might include multiple types of counseling.
Here, there are some good sliding fee scale counseling programs like mentioned above. There are also places (sometimes a university) that train counselors, psychologists, so on, and they treat patients while training. This stuff is obv a lot less expensive. Treatment centers often have open sessions (free, and to the community not just people who've been there or have fam there) so that would be a group not 1-1 or couples for you only, but we do get stuff out of those as well.
When someone is still drinking or using it is indeed a challenge to say the least. Going on your own would always be a good idea, imo.
Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 635
I don't believe in counseling with an addict or an abuser. They must get help for their own issues before they can get help in a relationship. Many counselors will try to find a common ground and play the whole "it takes two to tango" card, which is just wrong. Sometimes one party simply DOES play a bigger part in the breakdown of a relationship. It's unfair to expect the non-offending party to accept blame for someone else's problems. It can be damaging to the addict, who is already looking for someone to blame, as well as the codependent, who usually already blames themselves.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Originally Posted by trailmix
No I haven't - but I have a bit of an aside here.
Marriage counselling might do more harm than good (to you) at this point IF he is still using.
Most counsellors familiar with addiction won't take a couple where one is actively using.
Of the few stories I have read on SR it's a disaster. Addicts are manipulative and if you hope he will show up at marriage counselling and somehow put down all those addiction defenses and denial and manipulations - well why would he?
If he has been sober for a while and is in some type of recovery, well that's a different matter.
I'll see if i can find some of those threads for you.
Marriage counselling might do more harm than good (to you) at this point IF he is still using.
Most counsellors familiar with addiction won't take a couple where one is actively using.
Of the few stories I have read on SR it's a disaster. Addicts are manipulative and if you hope he will show up at marriage counselling and somehow put down all those addiction defenses and denial and manipulations - well why would he?
If he has been sober for a while and is in some type of recovery, well that's a different matter.
I'll see if i can find some of those threads for you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 60
I tried it with 2 different counsellors. My advice - don’t waste your money!!
Heres my experience:
First counsellor: specialises in addiction. We had one appointment and AH said he would never go back because ‘she was biased’. During the session his nose was streaming (from cocaine) so she questioned when he had last used. His answer was he had been clean for 3 months!! She advised me that for the safety of my children we should live apart. AH spent the whole drive home saying that she had only said that because that’s what I had paid her to say.
Second counsellor: specialises in addiction. We went to a few with him until AH realised that the counsellor was only humouring his quacking. I spent most of the sessions rolling my eyes at the things AH tried to blame on me and they excuses he gave. AH decided he wasn’t going anymore because the counsellor didn’t listen to him. Oh he did listen but he just didn’t agree!!
The only good it did was that it proved to me that I wasn’t the crazy or unrealistic one.
Heres my experience:
First counsellor: specialises in addiction. We had one appointment and AH said he would never go back because ‘she was biased’. During the session his nose was streaming (from cocaine) so she questioned when he had last used. His answer was he had been clean for 3 months!! She advised me that for the safety of my children we should live apart. AH spent the whole drive home saying that she had only said that because that’s what I had paid her to say.
Second counsellor: specialises in addiction. We went to a few with him until AH realised that the counsellor was only humouring his quacking. I spent most of the sessions rolling my eyes at the things AH tried to blame on me and they excuses he gave. AH decided he wasn’t going anymore because the counsellor didn’t listen to him. Oh he did listen but he just didn’t agree!!
The only good it did was that it proved to me that I wasn’t the crazy or unrealistic one.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 2,684
On more than one occasion in recent years, I had approached my spouse about marriage counseling and he flat out refused. He feels I am the one with the problem, I am crazy, I need help, etc., etc.
Anyway...about nine months ago, I started counseling with a therapist, who is a good fit (researched ahead of time). The sessions have been very helpful. I am in a better place.
Anyway...about nine months ago, I started counseling with a therapist, who is a good fit (researched ahead of time). The sessions have been very helpful. I am in a better place.
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