So called friend was just using me for money and i'm devastated
Just wanted to share this because I didn't know anywhere else to do it. I met this girl about a month ago online. We agreed to hang out and the 1st thing I notice is she has alot of scabs over her body. Looked like she got into a fight but I didn't pay it any mind. We went to this ice cream shop and I bought her, her favorite ice cream. I was planning on moving in November and I had recently gotten alot of money back on a car accident settlement, so I saw no need to buy a car until I moved (i'm moving with my mother). For the record I never told her about the money. So she would drive me around, I notice she has a large truck. Since she made it clear she wasn't working I was baffled about how she paid for it. She asked to borrow a little money when we 1st hung out, but since I have more than enough I didn't mind. She also had to pick someone up and drop someone off, but we were getting along so I didn't mind. We went to the beach and overlooked the water together. The one thing that happened in this middle of all this is she took a pipe out and start smoking it, I thought it might be tobacco or weed, but it she told me it was crack and told me not to judge her. Being a struggling alcoholic myself I couldn't. Then while dropping me off she starts tying an ipod charger chord around her arm, I was terrified but knew what would happen. She starting putting heroin and water in a spoon and shot it up, right while she was driving. I've never been around heroin or crack before. Looks like she got the scabs from picking at her skin.
I should of stopped talking to her right then and there, but she seemed nice and I would feel bad about leaving her behind over her drug use alone. So we started hanging out regularly, sometimes we would go to restaurants or stores to look around. Found out we had alot in common, we liked the same sports team, had similar likes and we discussed everything from our childhood to our future aspirations. She told me her mother was an abusive alcoholic and her father was one too. She's been to jail and lost her children due to drugs, and was very upset with herself about. I felt bad for her, she was very nice, had this southern charm and this motherly warm vibe. One thing I noticed though, when we hung out, is that she would always get a call from someone, she would always have to pick someone up and drop them off, she would often need to borrow money for something, and she would often do drugs in the car. Ofcoarse I was terrified a cop might see us. A felony drug charge is the last thing I need. I started drinking heavily every time before I saw her just due to anxiety of us getting in trouble. Also the people she would pick up and drop off seemed shady, one guy did drugs in the back of the car. I had really bad alcohol withdrawals one day and I was bed ridden for 3 days, and for 3 days straight she begged me to hang out with her. There was one day my mom said she called like 20 times when I didn't respond. Yet I continued to hang with her because she never asked for much, and when we would go out to stores and restaurants she insisted I not spend too much on her. She didn't seem money hungry or manipulative.
These last few days seeing her has been strange. One time she picked me up and someone was in the back seat of the car, hiding. I thought I heard something back there but she didn't say anything. Suddenly her friend pops out and says hey, this was very strange, why didn't she tell me someone was there. We went to some bar and they sat and were waiting for some guy. That's when I realized this girl is doing drug deals and even possibly selling drugs. The last 2 days really made me upset. I went to meet her with intentions of going to a restaurant. She started off with the usual story about needing money. This time she was in big trouble with this guy and possibly in danger, she said she was suppose to sell some "stuff" for this guy and she did but someone she was giving a ride stole the money from her purse, now the guy wont stop calling her for his money and she is afraid of what he might do. She made it seem like this guy was looking for us, so ofcoarse I gave her the money like a fool. Again I'm wealthy so $80 is chump change. We go to the mall a little while, I buy her a slushy, but she doesn't like crowds so we leave. She then goes to pick up this guy so he can give the guy she owes the money, because she's too scared to give it to him herself. Now this is a guy she picked up before, who she says is good friends and is like family. After she picks up she parks at another apartment place, some guy gets in the back seat and talks to him and then leaves. Then she drops him off. We decide to go to the beach, but before we do she does her habit of smoking crack and then shooting up. We sit and talk and she explains to me that her roommate is actually her ex boyfriend and not to be mad, she told she was moving out this weekend. She told me I was an amazing person and that hanging out with me makes her want to stop using and leave the drug life behind. She kept on asking if I was upset. I assured her I wasn't.
This brings me to yesterday which was when everything came crashing down. We agreed to go see a movie together, like always, shortly after picking me up, she receives a phone call. I ask her if everything is okay, she replies her father is in the area. She starts of with the usual "Um...i hate to ask this but do you have like 40 on you, my father needs help with something". At 1st I told her I only had 20, but decided to give in just to see what would happen. She got back on the phone and said she would meet her father in the near by dollar general. This strikes me as strange, why not just have him park next to her and get the money. As we park in front of the dollar general, I see some guy wave at the truck and walk in dollar general. Shortly after she gets another call, her dad is there. She gets out, while she was out I notice this little stuffed animal gift I bought her was on the floor in the back. I felt a little disrespected by this. Not even 5 seconds later, the same guy who waved at the car is walking up to the truck with her. At this point i'm am beyond furious, we were suppose to see a movie and she knows i hate when she drives other people around when i'm there. I tell myself if he gets in the truck, I am done with her. And he does get in, it's a guy who she picked up a few weeks ago, who did drugs in the back of the truck. He just happened to be walking into the same store and the same exact moment she walked in to give the money to her dad. (I never saw her dad or anyone walk in). She smiles and says she picked up a stray. He request to go to food lion, another store (because I guess whatever he wanted at dollar general wasn't there). While he was in there I asked her if she knew he would be there, and she said no. I asked her where we were going after this because I didn't want to miss the movie. She says she's going to drop him off at her good friends house, also she needs to drop off a scale her good friend left because she doesn't want to get caught with it in the truck. At this moment i told her i felt sick and was going to get an uber but she insisted she take me home.
After she dropped me off, I started piecing everything together, because I knew she was lying about her dad needing money. This guy she knows just happens to walk into the store at the same time she does, and then asks her to take her to another store within 5 seconds. What I think is she was picking that guy up and then going to her "friends" house, to drop off this scale, buy drugs with the money I gave her, and she and this guy were going to use them. What else was she lying about? I looked through her facebook friends to find the name of the guy she picked up, and i'm not sure if it's the same guy, but someone with the same name has the truck she drives in his background. It looks like they were together a few months ago, so the truck belongs to her ex, who she lives with. I started to wonder what if they are still together, why would he let her drive his truck?? I think she was making up stories for needing money and using them to buy drugs. I realize not only does she use drugs, but she sells them, drives people to drugs deals and allows them to happen in her car.
At this point i'm devastated because I have no other real friends at all. I shared so much with her and even let my mother meet her. I don't think there is a person in this world would I shared so much about myself with. I really didn't care about the money, it's the idea that this friendship was false and she never cared about me. I was going to just let this all go since I was moving, but I felt so upset, mocked and betrayed that I confronted her with everything on facebook, and I blocked her and told her I no longer wanted her in my life. I wasn't brutal, but I was angry in my message. About a few hours later she creates another profile, finds me and starts telling me off, she sent alot of messages. I only read a few words from them but deleted them without reading them and told her I wouldn't read her Reponses and turned my phone off. The few words I read seemed to imply she was trying to say I was making it all up, she was definitely angry. I knew reading those messages would be like bullets hitting me. I was glad she was out my life, the drugs, the drug deals, that whole lifestyle I dislike. The person who I met though I care about deeply. I don't feel she intentionally meant to use me, although I do believe she did. I know from the looks of it I seemed stupid. But when she would ask for money it wouldn't be that much, she would always say she would try to pay me back, but she isn't working so I told her not to and it wasn't every time. Surprisingly i've been tearing up every now and again. I feel like a large piece of my stomach is missing and I feel empty, i'm having trouble sleeping. I miss my friend, I feel devastated and gutted. All the memories we had have been tarnished, yet I can't get them out of my head. Just wanted to post this here cause I was too ashamed to post this anywhere else, but was in so much pain about this I needed to post it.
well - it was only a month. and you missed about 32 red flags.
she's a user and you got used. be glad it's behind you now.
focus on getting your own life together - find your way to full sobriety and hang on to it for dear life.
and NEVER be in a car with the DRIVER doing drugs. shooting up WHILE Driving? seriously?
She IS using you, she's an active addict and there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with an active addict. I am sorry you feel hurt but I promise you that if you remain connected to this person, you will lose a lot more than you have already. By giving her money you are buying her drugs, and that's always a reason for them to stick around.
From your story, I suspect you are with her when drug deals are going down...and that, my friend, could land YOU in jail.
You are lonely, I understand that, but if you want healthy friends you have to be healthy too. Healthy attracts healthy, sick attracts sick.
Maybe find a meeting for co-dependents, Al-Anon, CoDa or Nar-anon...or since you say you struggle with alcohol, AA may be just the place to make friends and learn to live a healthier life.
This will end when you say this ends, you are the only person who can pull yourself away and find a better path. I pray you do that soon, before it gets worse.
From reading your story & from my own direct experience our addicts can be very dumb & reckless concerning highly illegal activities.
Things can & often do go wrong - bad wrong quickly.
As Ann said above you could end up arrested & in serious trouble with the police. You might end up shot during a drug deal gone wrong. Its all exciting fun & games until one day suddenly its not.
After years of tempting that same fate, I luckily got out. I took a lot of foolish risks with her. I wouldn't do it again.
I am sorry for your circumstance. I am sorry you feel used duped & cheated. As I read your story I felt badly for you but pretty much just said to my self yup sounds like typical addict daily life type stuff.
I'm glad you're out of that situation YH. It's not a matter of judging people who do drugs, it's just that it pulls you into the very unhealthy lifestyle they live. Don't forget this woman is driving around doing deals and using while her children are being raised by strangers.
When you move, start again. Maybe hang out with people who have healthy lifestyles. You'll find them in all sorts of activity clubs.
Hope you can cut back on the drinking now you don't have her to trigger it.
There is a sticky on this forum called "what addicts do". It's worth a read.
My addict (niece - 15 years, felonies, etc... too long to recount) - has manipulated a whole parade of men - often several at the same time - to fuel her habit. It's what addicts do.
There is a saying in recovery - keep the focus where it belongs, on yourself.
If you can unpack this experience to see what it is about you that made tolerating illegal, deceitful and harmful behavior OK with you, then you have some chance of not repeating this.
The only other suggestion I might have is - figure out what your values are - what you think makes for a successful long term relationship - and start saying no to women who don't measure up. You may be lonelier than you want to be, but when you find someone who measures up, it will be worth the wait. And in the meantime, you can practice those values for yourself which will increase your own sense of self worth.
Prayers for clarity and courage.
I've noticed addicts and alcoholics have conned, manipulated or lied to people for so long/so much it's second nature to them. They don't think twice about it. And old habits did hard and not just the chemical ones either. In the end it's about their gratification.
Grateful Recovering Addict
Well I didn't learn my lesson for a while. I continued being friends with her because she said she was getting help at the methadone clinic. I could tell she was getting better as her scabs started going away. And I saw proof that she was going. I did end up moving but visited her about a week ago.
Everything was different. She promised she would be sober by then. Suddenly she was using a lot(and I mean a lot) more than usual, stronger doses too. It didn't make sense to me because I'm thinking she was suppose to be getting better. Anyways the last day we were suppose to do something very special and she ended up not showing up.
I explained to her that drugs were ruining our relationship and that I could no longer continue to enabled her. She explained in a "heartfelt" text that she's been doing this for a year and it's hard to stop her lifestyle but she was trying and she understood it was unfair to me.
I get back home the next day and she tells me she would like to come visit. Naturally i'm excited, the only catch is she needs 3 days worth of heroin and crack so she wont be sick. :headbange. I explain to her I thought things were changing and how her drug use made me feel. How she wouldn't even let me touch her let alone get close to her when she is using, and how she seems like she is switched off and I would not longer support that. She explained she would be sick the whole trip if she had nothing.
Then she turned it on me saying that i'm way to touchy feely around her and she likes to be in her own bubble and her own space. I was so hurt by what she was saying and she never expressed this before, it was like she was saying she was disgusted by me. And she said I always take things to the extreme and if I didn't want to talk to her anymore that was fine. So I told her I was deleting my messenger app. I was wondering if I did the right thing by finally giving up on her, but after reading these comments it seems like it. It just seems extremely hard. This girl seemed perfect physically and personality wise and it will be extremely hard to move on. I'm planning on deleting my social media and just going no contact.
This girl seemed perfect physically and personality wise
*We agreed to hang out and the 1st thing I notice is she has alot of scabs over her body. Looked like she got into a fight but I didn't pay it any mind.
*The one thing that happened in this middle of all this is she took a pipe out and start smoking it, I thought it might be tobacco or weed, but it she told me it was crack and told me not to judge her. Being a struggling alcoholic myself I couldn't. Then while dropping me off she starts tying an ipod charger chord around her arm, I was terrified but knew what would happen. She starting putting heroin and water in a spoon and shot it up, right while she was driving. I've never been around heroin or crack before. Looks like she got the scabs from picking at her skin.
*I could tell she was getting better as her scabs started going away.
*the only catch is she needs 3 days worth of heroin and crack so she wont be sick.
exactly WHAT is perfect or beautiful about ANY of the above? i think you need a serious reality check. i hope you use this short experience and learn from it.
And sure maybe I made a bad choice with this woman, but the reality is anyone can be an addict without you knowing. Relationships fail, people turn out not be who they say they are. And marriages fail after many years. I'm just going to take this whole thing as a learning experience and spend time working on myself. I might do some travelling.
She's manipulative, lying con-artist.
You are right about "anyone can be an addict without you knowing" but now that you KNOW what she is, I hope you will stay far away from her.
If you continue to hang out with her, I promise this will not end well for you or even your Mom.
I hope you cut her out of your life forever.
Still I have a lot of thoughts in my head, like why did this have to happen to me. I keep on going over everything in my head. What sucks is I put my life on hold for her, I was planning on getting a car and moving. I had planned on taking a cruise and a vacation but put it off to visit her. I guess that's what really upsets me. But I guess I have lots of free time to do that now that she's out my life.
So I get a text from my phone from a number I don't recognize. Turns out this girls got a new number. She explains she does want to get better and is just having trouble getting money for treatment. I told her I would be happy to refer some detox and rehab facilities for her and do some research to see if any of them were non profit.
Anyways today, I get a text from her saying she is on her way to my city as a Christmas surprise. This strikes me as rather odd, and I sense a "i'm stranded" con coming up. In other words at some point I felt she would claim she was stranded and needed gas money. Ofcoarse I was right, it was just a matter of when. Suddenly she runs out of gas and needs $80 to fill her gas tank up or she can't come and visit me.
Since I prepared for this, I told her I lost my card after going to the bar and blacking out the previous night. I asked her if anyone else could help her, but no one she knows has a card or uses a bank account. I laughed a bit and I just wanted to say, "oh come on" Seriously. After a bit of back and forth she came to accept there was no way she was getting $80 from me as my card was "lost". This just really infuriates me. It's one thing to ask for money, it's another thing to lie and make it seem like your life is in danger. I guess I got a bit of joy of being able to say no as I have no idea how she's going to get her fix. Part of it is me being mad at myself for being duped all those months, I wish I could go back and just tell her straight to her face no.
It's selfish of her to make up lies simply because she's afraid of "being sick" or "not being normal". I've been an alcoholic for years and never once did I or would I steal from anyone. And I've had severe withdrawal symptoms many times. They are indeed bad, but they aren't the end of the world. It's no excuse for this type of behavior.
Good on you for sticking to your guns and staying strong in yourself! I would stay prepared for further attempts to visit you and ask for money. Simply tell her straight up that you don't have it to give. You don't owe her any explanation why. You don't even have to answer her calls. And if she shows up at your door, do not let her in under any circumstances. No contact is the path to health and sanity.
How about blocking her new number. If she calls from a different number, as soon as you realize it's her, hang up. She'll get the message. If you are truly done with her, then be done.
I felt like posting an update but was a little ashamed, as I didn't completely follow the advice given here. Posting about it helps though as I feel I have grown alot since I 1st made this post. While this experience was bad, I feel like i've grown alot from it. I'm slowly learning to stop looking at people as victims. To see that I can't change anyone and that some people will just not change. I'm slightly angry with myself for being so stupid, at the same time i'm glad i'm learning how to say "no" to people.
I guess i'll continue off on where I left off before. This girl was giving me sob stories about how she hated her life, how her father doesn't help her with paying for rehab and gives all of his money to her one of her friends that he sleeps with. She basically told me she felt trapped and really wanted to change but has no one. Since we were intimate in the past, I felt kind of guilty about not atleast trying to help and hear her out. I made the decision to visit her again, hoping that I would help her with the methodone clinic. Hoping maybe the girl I thought I knew was still in there.
I get there and I can't check into my hotel since my room isn't ready. She offered to pick me up, and since I didn't want to walk around with a giant bag, I agree to it. I forgot to mention it was my birthday that day, and we agreed to go to a restaurant called Miyabi's. It's a japanse restaurant where they cook your food infront of you, but that wasn't open until 5. We started to catch up on everything and it slowly became clear nothing had changed about her situation. She mentioned one of her dealer friends was going on a vacation and had asked her to make a few drug drop offs for him since his brother wouldn't do it. I replied "so you're selling drugs now". She replied "No i'm not selling it, i'm just dropping it off and collecting the money". Anyways it turned me off completely that she seemed to be embracing the street life as that's a culture I can't stomach. Then she started asking for money again, I told her that we agreed things would be different, she told me she already got the stuff and didn't want to be in trouble with the dealer. So I caved in, i'm sad to admit. My hotel room still wasn't ready so I stuck around for the ride, she picked up her dealer friend at one point, then picked up some other guy. I think they did a deal in the back of the truck or something. I was very irate at this point, We ended up having a long talk about how I could not continue to speak to her if she doesn't get help. She agreed to go to the methadone clinic 1st thing in the morning and that she would like me to come with her because none of her friends are supportive of her sobriety. Ofcoarse next morning comes around and I hear nothing from her. I gave her an earful over it later on. The rest of the trip involved a little arguing, we did go to an arcade and have fun a few times but that was about the only good thing. At one point she left me at a bar to meet up with her friend, which was only suppose to be 20 minutes but ended up being an hour and a half. I ended up drinking quite a bit and she found me passed out the street but took me back to my hotel. There was alot of drinking on my part, anger and frusteration.
Eventually my last day there came. She was begging me to stay a few extra days and was even asking me help buy a car rental so she could drive down to my city and stay there a few days to get away from where she was at. She told me she hated her life. I told her I would think about it, but I wasn't feeling well, and I really had enough of her at this point. Anyways after she leaves my hotel room, I noticed I couldn't find my debit card. So I called her frantically and she pulled over at a gas station and said she eventually found it. She came back and gave it to me and told me she hoped I stayed. Later on that night she texted me asking for my address because she wanted to send me a gift and a thank you letter. Since I still live with my mom, and I really don't want her to know where I live, I told her I wasn't allowed to give the address out to respect my mothers privacy. She got a little upset about this.
The next day I had an inner battle, I decided not to stay, no mattter what I was leaving. I had enough. I get home and I basically texted her apologizing that I couldn't stay, but I was feeling sick. She tells me it's okay, then she asks me what my zipcode was because she wants to know how far of a drive it would be to where i'm at. I ended up giving her a fake one, and after that I immediately check my bank account. The reason for this is sometimes to use a credit card online, you need to have the zipcode associated with that card, and I had a fear she might have copied down my credit/debit card numbers while I wasn't looking. Which is why she was asking about my address the previous day. I noticed a few charges on both accounts that I didn't make. I immediately transfer the bulk of my funds to my savings. I tell her I think someone is using my card and she asked a few questions about it but went silent after. Looks like it was an electronic gift card from best buy, a phone card, and a bill paid to the south carolina government.
I look up the phone card website and I type her number in. It prompts me for a pin, meaning she has an account. I also looked up the south Carolina government and I found it linked to a site that had another link to a probation website. It looks like you can pay bills online and I know she had recently gotten off probation last summer. I stopped drinking a few days ago. I didn't make a pledge, I just want to think with a clear mind. I've been making a list about things about her that make me unhappy, and it's pretty much everything at this point. I ended up cancelling both cards and thankfully the money from one charge was disputed and credited back to my account. She texted me yesterday asking if everything was alright, because she has not heard from me. I ended up not responding.
Anyways, a few minutes ago I multiple texts. One from her number, another from one of her fake ones, saying she had to talk to me about something. I pretty much explained, I could no longer trust her and asked her to stop contacting me from other numbers as well. I asked her how she had so many numbers and it turns out she's using some app to generate multiple numbers. She tells me that she's pregnant, but didn't feel like telling me until now because she feels like I don't love her anymore and I don't trust her. I ask her for proof and she starts freaking out. So she sends 2 pictures. I googled searched them and found them on various websites. She's not very smart. Thank God cause I was terrified to death for 3 minutes straight! I'm thinking I should just get my number changed because I know she will keep making up fake numbers to try to get in touch with me. Also i'm not planning on telling her that I know she's lying because she will probably find some other life to try to keep me around.
It's a great idea to change your phone number. Block her any way you can. She is nothing but trouble.
Wise decision to stay away from her.
That, my friend, was one seriously close call about eight different ways. You could have been mugged or shot by whatever drug dealer she’s got going, you could have been killed in a car crash while she was shooting up, you could have had your bank account emptied AND she could in fact have been pregnant.
Wow. You are one lucky cowboy.
I doubt she’s done...you were too easy and have money. I would contact the credit bureaus ASAP and freeze your credit quick before she’s taking out loans in your name. Google “credit fraud” so you know what you’re up against. Report your credit cards as stolen, as she probably has the numbers.
Glad you’re still okay and the next time a pretty girl has a sad story and wants your money, just run, yes?
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