My guy broke up with me to focus on recovery- Iím shocked - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Old 10-18-2019, 05:27 AM   #1 (permalink)
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My guy broke up with me to focus on recovery- Iím shocked


seeing some very common themes on here and itís helping me a great deal. I too am dealing with a breakup that seemed to come out of nowhere and Iím really hurting. My guy was amazing. He only told he was in recovery a few months into our relationship. I was a little shocked but nothing about his behavior seemed off. He was not quite a year into recovery and I was proud he seemed to be handling it so well. (SO WELL!). Has a demanding job that he handles beautifully and is close with his family. Our relationship was intense from the get go. Was that a sign-I truly donít know. Then one weekend he just fell off the radar. Apparently feelings of him feeling overwhelmed boiled over. He told me he canít be in this relationship. Iím so sad. Heartbroken. He said he needed to focus on himself. The hard part of all of this is -(tears welling up) he really really cared about me. Things that were said, actions, he was super invested into this relationship. Iím in shock! I KNOW he needs to focus on himself but it just hurts.. when he was justifying why we cant be together he seemed angry-that I was blaming him. Um? I guess I valued our relationship at very highl level I would never have let it go, BUT my life is not on the line either. I am just lost. Iíve read that people shouldnít date for a year and it all makes sense but -Iím just heartbroken and lost. If you had asked me before this I would have told you he loved me. Some of my friends tell me I should be happy not to go down this road with him as it will always be difficult. Thankful for the posts Iíve read thus far. I just need my heart to stop hurting.
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Old 10-18-2019, 06:56 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Hi sparkleleaf, I'm so sorry you're hurting.

It's good your head understands his reasoning, but it will take your heart some time to accept it, I'm sure. Make sure to take good care of yourself right now as you grieve. Try not to take this personally--if he isn't ready, he isn't ready. The right person will not "make" him ready before it's time. It isn't about you or anything you did or said.

A relationship with an active addict can be a nightmare for everyone; if he felt his sobriety was threatened it's good for both of you that he called things off. That quick intensity was definitely a red flag. It's good that he recognized it.
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Old 10-18-2019, 07:56 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Thank you Sparklekitty. (Love your pic!). Just a terribly hard adjustment. I stumbled upon this forum almost by accident and am so thankful for the lovely and supportive folks out there. Addiction and recovery affects everyone involved. I see that now. Just miss him. I know one day in the future Iíll be okay with it all. I am just not now. Iíd be lying if a teeny part of me was incredibly resentful to him to even getting involved given his situation. (Although I too am working on not focusing on that -but itís hard when someone crushes you). Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Thanks again.
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Old 10-18-2019, 08:07 AM   #4 (permalink)
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you mentioned your relationship was intense from the get go. to me thats a red flag and seems you see it as one-especially with someone fresh in recovery.
from what i read theres a good chance he might have realized he doesnt know how to have a relationship yet.
when he was justifying why we cant be together he seemed angry-that I was blaming him. Um?

justifying or explaining? were you blaming him? you might not have been blaming but thats how he was taking it. he might have been taking what ya said as criticism but it wasnt- a sign of low self esteem and insecurities all depending on what was said. im callin that off my own experience- a person could give me kudos and id take it,twist it, and make it destructive criticism.

Iíd be lying if a teeny part of me was incredibly resentful to him to even getting involved given his situation

understandable but dont forget who allowed you to get into a relationship with him.
which that right there would be a great thing to look at- why you dove so deep so quickly
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Old 10-18-2019, 09:14 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you so much. Appreciate the insight. I truly truly do. The funny part about all of this and maybe relationships in general was I was cautious at first. (Canít be to careful these days). I took it really slow in the beginning. I canít help it Iím old school. Waited some time to be physical. Then things started to ramp up and I just sort of followed his lead. When he told me some time after he was in recovery, I shouldíve have given this more thought. It really wasnít presented to me in any negative way. I didnít know anything about any of this had zero prior experience. I do now though. Everyone on here is so great, doing what they can help others. I hope to repay the gesture in kind one day. ďEveryone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.Ē
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Old 10-18-2019, 09:26 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Hi sparkleleaf. Sorry you got hurt in all of this. I understand your resentment about him not being ready but in reality he may not have known that. He may have been feeling pretty stable and good and then realized that he wasn't emotionally ready to be in a relationship.

Recovery from addiction can take some time, years in some cases and maybe that's him? You don't want to be around an active addict and being in a relationship with one is guaranteed to bring you down so him identifying himself as being at a crisis point in his recovery shows integrity and maturity.

Now, that does not take away from your hurt at all, you were obviously in this for the long haul and not aware of how a relationship with an addict or recovering addict has additional challenges sometimes. At least now you know!

It's going to take time for you to heal from this, as you already know and that's not easy but you will not always feel this way and brighter days are ahead.

Hang in there, keep posting.
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Old 10-18-2019, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sparkleleaf View Post
Then one weekend he just fell off the radar. Apparently feelings of him feeling overwhelmed boiled over.
One other thing, did he mention what happened that weekend? Did he relapse? Possibly. That's serious stuff right there and calls for getting back to and serious about his recovery. He obviously felt he was getting off his path of recovery and nothing can get in the way of that.

Again, doesn't stop your hurting but perhaps goes some way to explaining his actions.

It's not you.
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Old 10-18-2019, 03:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the replies I received this far and for those who took time out of your day to write or reply to me. (((hug))).

to trailmix who asked what happened the weekend -no relapse, but I think I he isolated himself when he feels stressed or overwhelmed. Not a great coping strategy if you trying to overcome addiction but whom am I to say that? I know nothing about any of this.

I just miss. Sometimes the only way out of the fire is thru. Iíll be okay. Thanks to everyone. Trying to read up on the subject currently to educate myself.
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Old 10-18-2019, 04:31 PM   #9 (permalink)
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You might find these stickies from the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

The forum is here in case you haven't come across it yet:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 10-18-2019, 07:15 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks so much. Great stickies!!!!
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Old 10-19-2019, 03:47 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Hi Sparleleaf,

sounds like you and I had a similar experience. I replied to you on my post as well... I'm happy to keep messaging. I've found it helpful when i'm really sad to visit this site and it helps to calm all those nagging questions in my head and the heartache.

We just have to continue to send positivity to the ones we love and hope they stay on this path to recovery. I agree that it would have been a long and challenging road had we stayed with them, regardless of how much we cared . I think ultimately we would have ended up sacrificing ourselves. Trust me, I told him and believed I could be his rock, but he realized that he had to work on himself and how he deals with normal relationship ups and downs now that he's trying to stay clean. I had no idea that he would want to "numb himself" at times and he realized that what others see as common relationship issues he took too seriously and was very sensitive to it, and as a co dependent he was trying to avoid hurting me, but in turn apparently was causing himself unnecessary stress.

We aren't addicts so it's so hard to understand how and why some respond to certain situations as they do and why they would not want a partner that they care for by their side. I just keep reminding myself, this is his journey and there is truth behind not dating during the first yr of recovery.

I think it will be a bit till we both can really wrap our heads around this and let go.... it makes me sad, but i believe at this moment if we are meant to cross paths again in the future it will happen.

Hugs to you!
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Old 01-22-2020, 06:36 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you are in so much pain. We want to support someone we care about in the recovery process, and in turn they leave us. It's devastating.

If he's in a 12 step program, his sponsor may have advised that he end the relationship. It sounds like he was close to being a year in recovery. Sometimes they say no dating for 6 months. It's not like right at the 1 year point that boom someone is ready for a relationship. It could be 6 months for one or 3 years or more for another.
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