Alexbaby

I had to redo my post because I made my very first one and it was one big long sentence and very hard to read! I apologize, I will do this again.


I met my ex 3 yrs ago. He was very upfront about his past, said he used to use drugs, had been in jail twice for drugs but had been clean for a long time. He also told me that he was married for 17 yrs and one day he came home and she was gone and he was devastated.but was ready for a relationship.

Early on there were signs, so many signs but like a lot of people I didn't want to see them.. the first year was rough. He started using again, if he ever stopped at all and it was a roller-coaster of emotions. One day he was crazy about me the next he was telling me I deserved better and I should leave him. Twice he called me because he was going to kill himself.. I never left him and did everything I could to try and help him. He finally admitted that he was using drugs again..


He alternated between crack and heroin and for a while it got really, really bad.. The first time I saw him shoot heroin,was the night of my work Christmas party. He shot up in the car in front of me. I remember feeling so ill, but by this point we had been together over a year and I was in love with him and he was always so sorry after and swore he was going to stop.

Things started to get better, he went on antidepressants, started counseling, found a job he liked and seemed happy..He made me feel beautiful and special and wanted and loved.

Then he started to borrow money, first it was 200$ until payday, then it was 300$, then $700. He always paid me back but then would borrow what he paid back. I was starting to drown in debt. I couldn't pay my bills and I was stressed all the time..by the time he left, he owed me 1,900.00.

He would use in my house. He would alternate between crack and heroin but mostly crack. He would be at my house 3-4x a week and always did drugs. I never saw him straight ever... I even started to go with him to meet his dealers. It became a normal thing..

In August, we started to talk about moving in together, he said he wanted to make sure he was clean before moving in because he didn't want to drag me down with him.

Then all of a sudden in October he very casually says, I am going to disappear in December. I questioned what that meant, he said I'm moving on in December and I won't be seeing you anymore. I am going back to someone in my past,.. I cried for a few days because we ended things. And then the crazy roller coaster started.

One minute he would call like everything was normal then I wouldn't hear from him for days. Then it was" I want to see you one last time before I go", I would see him and then nothing for 3-4 days.. This went on for over two months. My head was in a tailspin, I didn't know which end was up. Every time I saw him, he would just apologize and say he was sorry he didn't want to hurt me, he would cry and say if I had a choice wouldn't leave you but my past has caught with me and I have to move on..it was the most emotionally draining time..

One night, he went into my phone and saw some messages that he didn't like, where a friend of mine called him a junkie. I saw a side of him, I had never seen before. He went a little crazy, called me every name imaginable, told me that no man would ever want me and that I didn't deserve him because I was screwed up. Said he only stayed with me because I wouldn't leave him alone after we broke up and he felt sorry for me. I cried for days. He kept calling and texting, saying he was sorry he didn't mean it, he was just hurt.

One night he offered me drugs and because of the state I was in I said yes. I liked it, it made me forget the pain, and when we were high it was as if everything was going to be ok..
Then on New year's Eve after spending the whole night together, he says, I am "out of here tomorrow", gives me a kiss and leaves. For three weeks nothing, no calls, no texts, nothing.
Then one day, I am in the gas station ( we live in a small town) and there he is pumping gas. I was so shocked, I sent him a text that said you didn't have to lie, if you wanted it to be over you could of just said so. .

When I got home, he was waiting for me. Wanted to know what the text was all about, I said, I. I said I'm sorry you felt you had to lie, he and say you were moving to end our relationship. He says I didn't lie, I left and came back and will be leaving again in a few weeks (yeah, right) I said ok well I hope we can be friends,, his response, I can't be your friend, I have moved on to someone else.. I smiled, said ok, I wish you luck and walked away..

I spent two weeks crying every day, I feel like a fool. I believed he loved me, I thought everything was good, we were happy. I didn't/don't understand stand why he was so cruel. He knew he was leaving me for someone else but yet kept coming around..to make it worse, he dropped a note in my door, that said, I have blocked you on everything, do not try to contact me ever again.

I am a little broken right now. I was nothing but good to him, was always there for him no matter how bad thing's got, I stuck by him and he repays my kindness with leaving me for someone else, rubbing it in my face and then telling me to stay away from him.. and never paying me back

Now I am just trying to pick up the pieces. Trying to figure out why he was so mean to me. I cry almost every day, not as bad as before but I still cry. I cry because I feel stupid, how could I have fallen for it. When I asked him why he said he was in love with me, if he wasn't, he said because it made you happy!! Who says that?

I am starting counseling next week to try and understand all this.

helpfultoothers

Oh gosh I can certainly relate to this story! I was involved with a similar man last year who did the leaving, returning, blocking, unblocking.

It really messes with your self esteem. That's why it helps to work on you with meetings, reading, posting on here, doing the steps, etc., to build yourself up so that you don't end up in another situation like this. Even a nice little spa day at home will make one feel a little better through this

I know what you you're going through is difficult.

Alexbaby

Hi Helpful,

I am sorry that you too had to experience this. It has not been easy, I have been finding some great information on SR, so that is helping me.

Thankfully, he has blocked me from everything and has "moved on", so I won't have to go through the anguish of him re-appearing. I see a lot of other people who have gone through that and I can only imagine the amount of heartbreak that must bring.

I think our natural instinct is to think "what is wrong with me" when they leave for someone else, but I am learning slowly, there was nothing wrong with me, other than loving the wrong person

You say meetings? What type of meetings? Any suggestions on readings that might help me?

Thanks so much

Leonidas

I don't get how you would see this as anything but a HUGE blessing. I get it, the heart wants what the heart wants but this has nothing but disaster written all over it. If you keep letting this guy back in your life things are going to get much, much, worse.

You would be very wise to completely block this person out of your life and move on.

helpfultoothers

There's nothing wrong with you. You honestly dodged a bullet.

Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are helpful meetings. CODA is also a good one.

Hang in there! One day at a time

trailmix

Yes, you're right, it's not about you at all.

Here is a link to some articles you might find helpful, to understand addiction:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"First the addict lies to himself about his addiction, then he begins to lie to others. Lying, evasion, deception, manipulation, spinning and other techniques for avoiding or distorting the truth are necessary parts of the addictive process. They precede the main body of the addiction like military sappers and shock troops, mapping and clearing the way for its advance and protecting it from hostile counterattacks.

Because addiction by definition is an irrational, unbalanced and unhealthy behavior pattern resulting from an abnormal obsession, it simply cannot continue to exist under normal circumstances without the progressive attack upon and distortion of reality resulting from the operation of its propaganda and psychological warfare brigades. The fundamentally insane and unsupportable thinking and behavior of the addict must be justified and rationalized so that the addiction can continue and progress".

Alexbaby

Hi Trailmix and helpful,

Thank you both so much for the words of encouragement and the helpful information about books, meetings and things to read.

Its been a little over a month and some days I am ok and some days, like today, I am not. I know it is something not right with him but darn it still hurts like heck. I wish I understood it all, I wish he would have left me sooner,,mostly I just wish to move past this..

trailmix

Yes, that's the thing, it just takes time. All you can really do is be kind to yourself.

Learn about addiction but also about yourself and what makes you happy. Keeping busy, seeing new things, things that keep your mind busy and sometimes not so busy. It's hard no doubt.

The more you do that's new, the more you will find your mind thinking about that instead of anything else. As you've noticed, it begins to not be there, the thoughts, every minute, day by day it gets slowly better.

Hang in there.

HardLessons

AB

I was thinking about what you said above about understanding.

I think there is a big difference between understanding & acceptance.

By the time we end up posting our story here on SR we have much understanding. For whatever period of time, we have lived with & first hand experienced the crazy life of being with an addict. So we know the drill.

We have probably read online about addiction & thereby found SR. We read here on SR. We finally get the nerve up to post details of our story. We get much needed advice from others with vast experience.

So by the time we get to this point we pretty much understand what we are dealing with.

For me the more difficult part is / was acceptance of exactly what I understood. Accepting the reality of my situation. Even though I knew what the deal was / is its still difficult to accept it.

I think at this point I have accepted what I have come to understand. Having said that I still do at times struggle with it. Its not easy to find acceptance.