Guilt seems to be a constant feeling
 

AH has been in a rehab facility for a week now. This time he’s doing a 30 day inpatient program, since outpatient didn’t go so well. 2 weeks since I told him I was filing for divorce. I’m taking our children to visit him tomorrow. My feelings are all over the place. Not because I miss him, but because I still can’t stop feeling guilty about the things that are about to happen. Divorce papers will likely be delivered while he is in rehab, and there are several things that I will have to talk to him about tomorrow (Like vehicle debts, bills, etc). I get the impression from his frequent phone calls that he is in denial about me filing for divorce. Sooooo I really dread tomorrow. No matter how certain I am that this is not my fault, I can’t shake the feeling that I am hurting someone and it makes me feel like garbage. I’m concrete in my decision. I know it is right for me. And I am happier already. But every move that I make towards betterment for myself, feels like I’m kicking dirt in his face. After all the lies and dishonesty for YEARS, you’d think it would be easier for me to just cut the cord but it still makes me feel like a bad person. I’ve always been a “people pleaser” and at 34 years old I still don’t know how to be ok with making decisions that make someone else’s life hard without feeling guilty. But here we go....

Make no mistake: You are not the one making his life hard.

You deserve peace, Reneevc. You deserve love and happiness and all the good that life has to offer in the precious little time we get on this earth. Your husband does, too, but you are not responsible for, nor are you or anyone else capable of, making that happen for him.

Dear Renee
Your husband destroyed his marriage.
You are taking care of business and looking after your children.

I am really proud of you for not being motivated by feelings for him right now.

If your husband is REALLY interested in recovery, he will move forward for the sake of his children. He will try to repair the damage he has done to that relationship.

Thanks for reaching out. We are here for you.

i'd suggest if you plan to talk divorce etc, then don't take the kids.
if you take the kids, make it about the kids.

Guilt would be appropriate if you were intentionally trying to hurt him.

That said, none of us likes to see someone suffer - even if the suffering is self inflicted.

All your actions are necessary for you to be healthy and for him to recognize his disease and get help. If he were open to a different path, he would have taken it.

And - I do understand the guilt. But for me, my guilt came from an over-adapted sense of responsibility for other's actions that was imposed on me from my dysfunctional childhood. I hope you can hear the folks on this forum and believe at least a little, if not a lot, that there is nothing you need feel guilty about. Sad, yes, scared, maybe - but you did not cause this.

Prayers for peace,

Really, if in a decent rehab, there is no better place to receive divorce papers if and alcoholic or addict. If we aren't just a bit selfish we are certainly no good to ourselves, but no one else either. We have to do what we have to do. There should be no guilt. This could be the best thing for everyone.

I think we often confuse sadness and sympathy for guilt.

Guilt is only appropriate when you are doing something wrong. You are not doing anything wrong - you were not in control of the choices he made that put him where he is today.

You are going to feel sad for him. But don't mistake his circumstances for something you could have controlled or that you caused.

Renee,

As an alcoholic who's wife divorced him, I say, do not feel guilty at all. I wasn't even given the opportunity to change. Just divorced. I wasn't abusive verbally or physically. I was just distant. No lies or secrets.

And while I do have resentments over her not giving me a chance to get sober, I don't blame her for leaving me. She has no guilt over it (though she always did care more about what she wanted lol). And she quickly started dating another man and she's quite happy. I'm the one who messed up. I'm the one who has to live with the guilt of my actions.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You obviously gave him more than enough changes to change and he put booze over you and worse, his children. Move on and feel GOOD about it.