What do I do next?

Old 09-02-2019, 11:14 PM
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What do I do next?

Hello

I will try to keep this to the point.

3 weeks ago my partner of 15 years and mother of my two children relapsed with cocaine in a very big way.

I had been away working and was travelling back home when I learned something was deeply wrong. My debit card was not working.

What had happened was she had started doing cocaine again that day. She blew through 500$ dollars from our joint account.

But the worst part of it was she walked out on out two children, ages 4 and 1, to get picked up by her dealer so she could continue her binge.

The kids were all alone for at least an hour.
She texted my aunt to tell her the kids were alone and that she was relieving us of her "****** up brain" and that things were better that way.

I get home to my kids safe (thank god). My aunt and parents are in the house.

I was concerned for my partner's safety as she has a history of self harm when she isvthrottled out of her mind on coke.

So I called the police to tell them to be on lookout for her.

They finally caught up with her and put her in the hospital. She stayed there for 5 days and than was given a place to crash by a lady she knew from AA.

She is currently in a 6 week rehab program out of town. She says she regrets everything and wants to be a good mom and fix her self.

But is that possible?
She says she loves us and regrets everything but where were those feelings when she walked out on the children and spent our last dollars for coke.

I am looking for advice on how to move forward.

This latest episode came on the heels of 1 year sober but is she damaged beyond all repair?

I know I can never trust her with the kids again but if she can be sober I would like her to be a part of their life.

Any advice would be much appreciated. I feel completely lost now.
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Old 09-03-2019, 05:10 AM
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Originally Posted by mylifegone View Post
This latest episode came on the heels of 1 year sober but is she damaged beyond all repair?

I know I can never trust her with the kids again but if she can be sober I would like her to be a part of their life.
hi mylifegone, how traumatic for you and the kiddies. So sorry that happened to you all.

How do you move forward right now? Carefully.

No need to come up with a 10 year plan today, things will unfold as they will and you can reassess as you go along.

For right now perhaps you would be doing everyone a favour by just letting her get on with her rehab program and just leave yourself and the children completely out of that?

You will need strong legal guidance and a therapist might be helpful too, preferably one with a strong background in addictions. They can help you along the way to make sound decisions. Addiction is complicated and the importance of keeping your children safe is too important to leave to chance or winging it.

Perhaps a separation is in order? Perhaps a year apart where she can get a stronger grip on her sobriety? Accommodation in a sober house maybe or another facility.

I don't know how you are feeling at this point or how much you want to be involved in sorting this out. Maybe it's time for her to look for her own solutions?

Damaged beyond all repair, early days here, no way to answer that. Should she be part of their life, probably, just maybe not right now. Take it slowly, focus on now. They are safe and you are going to be ok.

You might also want to check out Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings.
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Old 09-03-2019, 05:57 AM
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I agree with trailmix... you don't need to figure everything out this very minute. Breathe and reground yourself. I know that's very hard to do when your whole world has been turned upside down. I've been in a similar situation.

For now everyone is safe. Including the mother of your children. At this moment there is no immediate crisis. This is good.

Know one can tell you if she is "damaged beyond all repair". That is going to be up to her. There is hope for anyone if they truly want to do the work that true sobriety entails. The question is whether or not you can ever have trust for her again.

In my situation, the relapses and lies and financial dishonesty as well as impaired driving, drove me to the point of zero trust. He even told me he would lie to me for the rest of his life to feed his demons. I couldn't stay married under those conditions. It was making me very ill. My kids were much older than yours when I left, 16 and 20... I should have done it when they were much younger...before they witnessed a decade of very unhealthy addict/codependent dysfunctional relationship between their parents. It was a bad example to set.

My advice would be to get educated about addiction and codependence so that you can make the best choices for your own life. Work on getting your own strength and clarity back so that you can be the best damn parent you can be... regardless of what your qualifier does or doesn't do with her own life. Let your friends and family support you through this difficult time, don't isolate.

I'm sorry this is happening to your family MLG. It sucks. I hope you stick around and keep talking with us.
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Old 09-03-2019, 09:03 AM
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Thank you both for your replies.

I intend to check out an al-anon meeting tomorrow. You're both right.

As it stands I have at least a month before having to decide anything long term.
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Old 09-03-2019, 01:09 PM
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But the worst part of it was she walked out on out two children, ages 4 and 1, to get picked up by her dealer so she could continue her binge.

The kids were all alone for at least an hour.
God bless the child! They must come first, they must be kept safe.

I am so sorry you are going through all this, and don't have any answers for whether she will get clean and stay clean...or not.

Trailmix gave a good reply, first things first. Take care of you and your children, meetings will help you more than you know, and take it all one day at a time. The future will unfold as it may, but the more prepared you are to take care of yourself and your children, the better things will be for you.
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Old 09-03-2019, 01:22 PM
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i read your other post in Newcomers and see that this is far from a one off for this woman. i think the rest of the story is important to post here:
She has had a history of ****** coke seeking behaviour for our whole time together. 15 years aprox.

She was never a daily user but has a history of going off the deep end every 15 months or so.

Before this the last episode was her cutting her self with a knife while 7 months pregnant with our youngest. She had been using while pregnant. I took it as a cry for help than. She went to counselling and started attending AA.

Our daughter was born with no obvious effects from the abuse and I truly thought that chapter was closed.

She says she relapsed once at her 1 year sober mark and then nuked our life together in the afore mentioned episode about 3 months later.

She has a history of stealing to get her coke when she can't afford it.


IMO, there HAS to be a boundary where enough is enough. she was using WHILE pregnant, has used off and on for years, abandoned tiny children with no adult supervision so she could take the last of the household money to get get dope..........these are not the acts of a parent. addiction alone doesn't MAKE people forget they are carrying children in their bodies or abandon them at home alone. hasn't she done enough harm? why should the children be exposed to someone who has shown zero regard for their safety when it came to her getting what SHE wanted?

mind you, i'm a former crack addict, not just on some soap box. she have VIOLATED the safety and well being of her own children time and time again. i wouldn't let her watch my cat.

does she have issues? certainly? must you and the children get hucked under the bus for the poor addict? not a chance.
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Old 09-03-2019, 03:12 PM
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Thank you all for your replies.

Anvil you are right. She has demonstrated an appalling lack of concern for the children's safety. I cannot allow them to be put in anymore risky situations.

She had been working the AA program prior to her current relapses. And she was doing very well with it for a year. I realize now that there were warning signs of an impending relapse but at the time I did not understand that recovery is , perhaps a life long process.

When things were good they were great. The kids miss her and do not have a concept about what she has done. I tell the oldest that mommy got sick and had to go to the hospital. She has had no contact with them since she walked out on them.

I sincerely hope she is gaining the tools to understand why she can behave in the way she does. I hope she has finally hit her rock bottom and can start building a healthy life for herself.

Anvil as a recovering crack addict do you have any advice on what I should be looking for in regards to her recovery? And how best I can support that? Obviously without risking anything happening to the kids.
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Old 09-03-2019, 05:59 PM
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perhaps a life long process
not perhaps....recovery IS a life long process. we are all exactly one bad decision away.

what I should be looking for in regards to her recovery? And how best I can support that?

i'll answer the second part first. don't worry about "supporting" her recovery. she is in rehab, she has been to AA, she knows exactly what tools and resources are at her avail, should she choose to use them. she's been at this for at least 15 years. she ain't no rookie. she knows what is at stake.

we have a saying here - recovery LOOKS like recovery. i know that sounds like a bumper sticker. but think of it like.....Spring LOOKS like Spring. the ice/snow melts, little shoots start pushing thru the earth, the sun reappears. it's not 12 degrees nor 82. the calendar confirms it's April...or May. the physical "demonstration" matches the time of year and the season. all is in alignment.

no grandiosity, no clamoring for kudos, no expecting special treatment. honesty, open mindedness, willingness, humility.

in the Big Book of AA is called a psychic change. while the discussion is around alcohol, a drug is a drug is a drug.
https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_b...orsopinion.pdf
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Old 09-03-2019, 06:36 PM
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Thank you for words Anvil.

I like your style. I guess what really leaves me gob smacked is it seemed her recovery was going well at the time.

Knowing what I know now there were warning signs that I missed.

One of the dumbest things about all of this is she did not tell her sponsor about her first relapse. She said she did not want to disappoint her.

She has a pathological need to please and fears being abandoned. Then she turns around and behaves in a way that results in her being alone.

At least she is self aware enough that she can voice that. A small (extremely small) comfort.
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Old 09-03-2019, 07:01 PM
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She has a pathological need to please and fears being abandoned. Then she turns around and behaves in a way that results in her being alone.

huh, you think that's her baseline?

i'm thinking not so much - the "people pleasing" is smoke and mirrors to make her appear kind and thoughtful and considerate of others to try and distract others from her drug seeking and drug use. overly affectionate, overly animated, overly pleasing..........see how wonderful i am??

i don't think she's as worried about being "abandoned" as she is being left without a means of support while she's plays her game.

sorry, i know i sound harsh, blunt. let me tell you, way back when, my first ex and i would take our infant daughter with us to our coke connections house and either snort lines all nite or do base hits. daughter was in another room and not inhaling the smoke.....or so i tell myself. that WAS NOT COOL. granted they were nice people, lived in a nice condo near Alki Beach in Seattle. but...........we all sat around doing drugs with my daughter nearby. there was a time when i was not garnering Mother of the Year points.....

that was way back in the 80's - i didn't fall into crack until decades later, in my 40s for pete's sake. i first sobered up in '87, had 7.5 years sober, chose to drink again. now have....sometime before Nov 2007 til now....so 12 years?
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Old 09-03-2019, 09:27 PM
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Actually Anvil I do think it is her base line. I base this off of living with woman for 15 years.

The pleasing was less show offy and more about trying to just be whatever she thought people wanted her to be.

Definitely not a distraction from drug seeking behaviour as it quickly becomes obvious when she is using.

I know these things because before our first child came along I was right there with her taking all kinds of drugs and partying for days. I began cleaning up my act when I started realizing that drugs are not all fun and games and that some people get really hooked and ruin their lives.

I think her problems with cocaine stem from perhaps an undiagnosed mental illness. She never exhibited the typical behaviour I read about on these forums. She is a binge user. And the binges always end terribly.

The day she left the kids she was using by herself. When she got dropped off by her dealer all she did was wander around town alone, in the rain, using coke and feeling suicidal. She even got sprayed by a skunk.

Her drug use has not been fun for her for years. It just strikes me as a terribly tragic compulsion. A slow motion suicide.

It is heart breaking.

Before this latest episode I would have never thought she was the type to endanger her kids.
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Old 09-05-2019, 06:02 AM
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I'm sorry you're going through this. It's really scary and sad. I've been with my husband for 14 years. I thought I knew him too. We're currently going through a divorce and he's floating around with another woman he's been seeing who's an iv heroin addict. He was a crack addict who added heroin to his repertoire. He knows the AA program backwards and forwards. Was even sponsoring people. Telling me what I was doing wrong in my program (I'm an alcoholic).

I guess my point is do what you need to do for you and the kids right now and let your partner to her rehab program. She'll either embrace it or she won't. That's her choice. My husband looked good on paper with the meetings but I felt he was just going through the motions to keep me on a string. Once I'd start to have a glimmer of trust, he'd be out the door again. Addicts will do and say anything to protect their addiction. I'd say long time apart with meetings for you.

Right now I'm focusing on my two kids and me and leaving my husband to find his bottom. Maybe he will and maybe he won't but I have no control over that. I hope you find peace. Lean on your family.
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