None of my business

Old 08-31-2019, 03:17 PM
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None of my business

My husband and I have been together a long 14 years. He’s abused some kind of substance the entire time we’ve been together. He got into trouble a few years ago and is currently on probation. He uses drugs when he knows he’s not going to be drug tested. He knows he can get away with it.

He failed one test a few months ago and they decided to send him to a 6 month program. I was so happy with it. Finally, he’s going somewhere to get some help, whether he really wanted to or not.

First attempt, he’s there for not nearly a week and he gets sent to the hospital three times in that span. After the third trip, they medically discharged him. Once he came home, he continued to go through his withdrawals to get off the suboxone he was prescribed. He was determined to be off that. He made it through those withdrawals and hasn’t touched suboxone since. (It’s been about 2 1/2 months now. He’s been on it for many years.)

Second attempt, three weeks later. He gets sent to a different place to try again. This time he doesn’t have any medical issues and seems to be doing really well. He was there about ten days then all of a sudden after coming back from class, they decide to drug test him. He was feeling good about it because he knew he hadn’t done any illegal drugs. Well, they ended up also doing a separate test for Kratom. It’s legal here and it’s what he was making tea out of to help with his suboxone withdrawals. He hasn’t drank any of the tea since he had been admitted, but it still showed up on his test. They immediately kicked him out. They didn’t test him for that when he was first admitted, so they didn’t know it was already there and they didn’t care.

So, I pick him up and he still feels good about it because he said he knew he didn’t do anything wrong. Says he’s going to get a job and sign up for IOP and see if the probation office will be okay with that. Well, he got home last Monday, by Wednesday afternoon, his attitude was different again. Turns out he’s started slipping and smoking meth again. He did get a job lined up, but he’s not going to be able to pass their drug test and he sure as hell hasn’t signed up for the IOP yet.

Im so frustrated because I confronted him about it. He says, “Nothing is wrong with doing something in moderation.” AND “It’s none of your business what I put in my body.” Mind you, I’ve had to deal with the consequences of his addiction for the last 14 years. He seems to think he can handle smoking meth occasionally and he’ll be okay. He can’t, and he won’t. I’ve seen what he can and can’t do.

The Its none of your business comments have been coming at me for years and I’m so tired of it. I’m tired of being second to his habit and I’m tired of what happens in my life being determined by his drug use.

So, I told him I’m going down and applying for housing assistance on Tuesday. I know there is a long waiting list, but I need to do what I need to do to make sure my life starts going in the direction I want it to go. I do work, but I don’t really make enough for me, my kids, and all the bills, so though I don’t want to be on assistance, I’m applying anyway.

He’s now furious that I’m taking this step. I told him it’s time to start putting myself first and taking care of me.

We don’t have Al-Anon meetings around here, but I did recently buy some of their literature. I’m going to start ready and hoping to receive some direction on how to take care of me. This has affected my life negatively and made me miserable for far too long. I know I feed off him and go back and going back and forth between wanting to stay with him, hoping things will change and then just feeling completely done. I hate it. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m sorry this is so long, this barely even touches on everything, but I have no one I can really talk to and I feel completely lost and alone. The letters he was writing me while in rehab made me feel so hopeful because his mind was clear, but he’s not able to keep it clear on his own and he just doesn’t seem to either understand that or even want to understand. He’s so backwards sometimes.

I don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this post. A friend? Advice? Not really sure.
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Old 08-31-2019, 04:34 PM
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Hi Ashcad124 and welcome to SR, glad you found us!

First things first, you didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).

Actually I think you already have a pretty good grasp of that and are already looking at taking care of yourself and your children, that's great.
Really that is all you can do. If it's time to get off the merry go round of addiction if you are ready to let go of that rope that's dragging you around, start making your plan.

I'm not that familiar with meth, is there such a thing as a social meth user?? Even saying that seems absurd.

We have lots of stickies in the F&F of alcoholics forum, knowledge is power as is often said around here. They can be found here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

Also, you might want to browse the posts over there (feel free to post as well if you would like to), it's a busier forum and addiction is addiction:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 08-31-2019, 11:06 PM
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Hi! I am new here too and I also feel alone. Where do we go to talk to people about this? I also don't have meetings available near me. That makes it even more difficult when you are ready to make a change. I actually have found a lot of support here even through just one post.

I realize now that I am codependent and what I do enables him to do what he does. I'm doing my best to learn about that and make changes in my own life. It will take time.

I would love to connect with you. I know how hard it is to go through this alone.
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Old 09-01-2019, 12:13 AM
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A book that is often recommended here is Codependent no more by Melody Beattie.
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Old 09-01-2019, 03:19 AM
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You have been with him for 14 years & he has been abusing some kind of substance the entire time.

He is a drug addict.

He got into trouble a few years ago & was placed on probation.

Yes eventually this happens to most of them. Now the system has them.

He thinks he can use & beat probation drug testing. That didn't work out too well for him.

Typically there is a judge who is overseeing all of this. The judge orders probation & orders what happens next. They are given numerous chances to get help & clean up before the final act of sending them to jail.

Obviously he doesn't want to stop or is willingly accept help. So now he is smoking meth & says he can do that in moderation? Sounds about right coming from a long term addict.

Is he still on probation?

Please protect yourself & your children.
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Old 09-01-2019, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
You have been with him for 14 years & he has been abusing some kind of substance the entire time.

He is a drug addict.

He got into trouble a few years ago & was placed on probation.

Yes eventually this happens to most of them. Now the system has them.

He thinks he can use & beat probation drug testing. That didn't work out too well for him.

Typically there is a judge who is overseeing all of this. The judge orders probation & orders what happens next. They are given numerous chances to get help & clean up before the final act of sending them to jail.

Obviously he doesn't want to stop or is willingly accept help. So now he is smoking meth & says he can do that in moderation? Sounds about right coming from a long term addict.

Is he still on probation?

Please protect yourself & your children.
Yes, I know he’s a long term addict. Yes, he’s still on probation, all the rehab instances have been in the last couple of months. He still has 1 1/2 years left on probation. I’ve already spoken to his probation officer to let her know how I feel about his situation and that he needs help. But the end result so far is him being sent to two rehabs and being sent home. Not sure what is going to happen this time. He is supposed to check in with her on the 11th. It’s like the court system around here really could care less. I don’t understand why they schedule their check ins. They know when they’re supposed to come in to take a drug test. It makes no sense.

I am currently the process of taking steps for myself and my kids. I’m working on it.
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Old 09-01-2019, 05:45 PM
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Ashcad124

My addict's drug of choice is meth. I've been round and round with her (my niece) for 15 years (felonies, incarceration, multiple rehabs, lies, overdoses, ups and downs). I can tell you - There is no such thing as recreational meth use.

Some people are "high functioning" addicts, meaning that they can be high as a kite and function in a passable manner. The thing about drugs is that they all kill a person at various rates based on the various parts of the body they tend to affect most. So if he's been using all along, he's pretty habituated to it.

Thing is, if an addict wants to use, they can be pretty convincing liars. It's almost impossible to tell when they are lying - except I've discovered judges, lawyers and rehab workers are pretty good at it. So if he got kicked out of rehab, unless you got the straight scoop directly from the staff there, I'd be suspect.

Also, when an addict is really, truly fed up with using, they get very motivated to change and they will take responsibility for it themselves - no excuses needed. And there is nothing a loved one can do to bring an addict to that realization - only consequences can do it, and sometimes not even then.

Do you remember when Katie Holmes divorced Tom Cruise? Her father the lawyer sprung it on him and it was a done deal before he even realized it was happening. I think spouses of addicts could take a lesson from that. Katie didn't spell out to Tom that she was planning to leave. She knew from experience (watching what happened to Nicole Kidman) that she needed to be stealth about it.

You now have a great deal of information about what you're dealing with concerning your husband and your options. Maybe consider a Katie Holmes move. You won't get any better behavior from an addict by "warning" them that you are leaving. They just get sneakier and more manipulative.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, because my hope for you would be that you make a good break, build a good life and allow his HP to provide the consequences for his recovery. He has to want recovery more than anything else (including you) for it to work. He can't want it because of you - that won't be sufficient to sustain him.

Prayers that you find a way to make a new life and that he finds his way back to sanity somehow.
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Old 09-02-2019, 03:46 AM
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Yes the court systems are overwhelmed with drug related problems.

In my state if the case meets certain requirements it can get sent to "Drug Court" The focus of the court is to try to help addicts rather than just locking them up in jail. Superior court judge presides over the entire process start to finish. Judges make it clear they are being given an opportunity to change their lives, however, if they don't take advantage of that opportunity they will be sent to jail.

Often the first step is to be placed on probation. Probation does have a regular schedule for mandatory reporting. But they can also show up at the home unannounced. They can also ask for off schedule reporting on short notice. This is where addicts get tripped up because they haven't timed their use.

Drug court in my state is tough. Failure to comply with probation requirements typically addict gets sent to intensive out patient. If that doesn't work then send to inpatient rehab. If that doesn't work then jail. If it works then possibly sober living but definitely back on probation.

Its sickening for us to have to go through the above process with them especially when they continue to use thinking they can beat the system.
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