Whirlwind - post breakup, 2 months no contact
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 105
Whirlwind - post breakup, 2 months no contact
Hi everyone! I’m back 👋🏼 I’m starting to think I should just stay on this site. Every time I think I’ve got control of my emotions the hurricane (backlash of my relationship with addict) comes back around in a different form!
I last posted about a month ago and I was coming up on one month of no contact with ex addict! I felt really good, changed therapy from every week to every other week and felt like I had a grasp back on my life. I was still sad to lose such a bond, but could see through that loss to everything I would have control over again and all the lies and deceit I had been blind to for 10 (yes 10) years of hot and cold. I had deleted ex addict off social media and stopped talking to his family.
Well of course nothing on this road to recovery is easy or simple that’s for sure. I should have deleted his mother when I deleted him too but her and I always had such a good relationship (even in the years we weren’t together) that I figured I would just take a step back not delete her completely off of social media. I found that for about a month she took a step back as well and wasn’t reaching out or talking to me (I respected that)... well the last few weeks she was reacting to everything I posted on social media commenting about how happy and strong I seemed and how much she liked whatever I was posting. I was not rude just more wouldnt engage in conversation with her.
well, yesterday bright and early I wake up to her commenting on my post about how my future will be bright and beautiful and happy... I believe she meant well.. however, then someone comments about how I was a diamond in the ruff now I will shine... I believe she took that personally however I can’t confirm for sure.... not even a half hour later she has posted pictures upon pictures of her with her son and his new girlfiend and the girlfriends baby... my ex (her son) is kissing the baby and looks so happy....mind you both my ex and his new girlfriend have drinks in front of you in the photo (safe with a two year old huh)
I lost myself there for a about five minutes. I reacted to the photo (very regretful now) with a laughing reaction and to my ex comment about how he is so happy and glad she got to meet them and how he can’t wait to come home for the holidays...
i get a message from his mother asking me what that was for, I said there’s really nothing other to say than that’s hilarious and ridiculous. I get a message from my ex telling me to “seriously grow up”... i ignored the he message from him, however went back to delete and block his mom to save my sanity. Before I could successfully do so, she was posting pictures by the pool commenting to ex new girlfriend about how she wishes she was there and how nice it is. I have successfully blocked her and my ex ended up blocking me first (not sure if that was because I ignored his comment or because of my reaction) either way I know it’s for the best..
however here I am, feeling like I took 10 steps back in this whole ordeal. I couldn’t sleep last night and when I did all I did was dream about how happy he is that he left me and moved on and is now playing “house”... OH VEY friends, I am in serious need of HELP forgetting this all.... recovering from this feels worse than when I was directly involved
I last posted about a month ago and I was coming up on one month of no contact with ex addict! I felt really good, changed therapy from every week to every other week and felt like I had a grasp back on my life. I was still sad to lose such a bond, but could see through that loss to everything I would have control over again and all the lies and deceit I had been blind to for 10 (yes 10) years of hot and cold. I had deleted ex addict off social media and stopped talking to his family.
Well of course nothing on this road to recovery is easy or simple that’s for sure. I should have deleted his mother when I deleted him too but her and I always had such a good relationship (even in the years we weren’t together) that I figured I would just take a step back not delete her completely off of social media. I found that for about a month she took a step back as well and wasn’t reaching out or talking to me (I respected that)... well the last few weeks she was reacting to everything I posted on social media commenting about how happy and strong I seemed and how much she liked whatever I was posting. I was not rude just more wouldnt engage in conversation with her.
well, yesterday bright and early I wake up to her commenting on my post about how my future will be bright and beautiful and happy... I believe she meant well.. however, then someone comments about how I was a diamond in the ruff now I will shine... I believe she took that personally however I can’t confirm for sure.... not even a half hour later she has posted pictures upon pictures of her with her son and his new girlfiend and the girlfriends baby... my ex (her son) is kissing the baby and looks so happy....mind you both my ex and his new girlfriend have drinks in front of you in the photo (safe with a two year old huh)
I lost myself there for a about five minutes. I reacted to the photo (very regretful now) with a laughing reaction and to my ex comment about how he is so happy and glad she got to meet them and how he can’t wait to come home for the holidays...
i get a message from his mother asking me what that was for, I said there’s really nothing other to say than that’s hilarious and ridiculous. I get a message from my ex telling me to “seriously grow up”... i ignored the he message from him, however went back to delete and block his mom to save my sanity. Before I could successfully do so, she was posting pictures by the pool commenting to ex new girlfriend about how she wishes she was there and how nice it is. I have successfully blocked her and my ex ended up blocking me first (not sure if that was because I ignored his comment or because of my reaction) either way I know it’s for the best..
however here I am, feeling like I took 10 steps back in this whole ordeal. I couldn’t sleep last night and when I did all I did was dream about how happy he is that he left me and moved on and is now playing “house”... OH VEY friends, I am in serious need of HELP forgetting this all.... recovering from this feels worse than when I was directly involved
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
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Linzey
I remember reading your previous posts. I remember your story.
You've been at this for 10 plus years! Back forth up & down with a heroin addict. You know the drill by now.
Why not just put this struggle down for good. Let go of it. Let it be. Let yourself heal.
I know its hard to let go of it. I know the unsettled feeling we get after we detach from our addicts & everything gets quiet. That quiet is abnormal to us because we lived in turmoil for so many years.
Seek out professional help. Help that will give you a good chance to finally let go of this addict & his family. I had to seek out professional help. I needed help - a lot of help to do it. If I got shaky I would run (not walk) back for more help. I also haven't strayed far from these forums. I read here daily. I do it in order to keep my mind focused in a healthy manner.
Please save yourself & let go of this very destructive situation.
I remember reading your previous posts. I remember your story.
You've been at this for 10 plus years! Back forth up & down with a heroin addict. You know the drill by now.
Why not just put this struggle down for good. Let go of it. Let it be. Let yourself heal.
I know its hard to let go of it. I know the unsettled feeling we get after we detach from our addicts & everything gets quiet. That quiet is abnormal to us because we lived in turmoil for so many years.
Seek out professional help. Help that will give you a good chance to finally let go of this addict & his family. I had to seek out professional help. I needed help - a lot of help to do it. If I got shaky I would run (not walk) back for more help. I also haven't strayed far from these forums. I read here daily. I do it in order to keep my mind focused in a healthy manner.
Please save yourself & let go of this very destructive situation.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by HardLessons 
Linzey
I remember reading your previous posts. I remember your story.
You've been at this for 10 plus years! Back forth up & down with a heroin addict. You know the drill by now.
Why not just put this struggle down for good. Let go of it. Let it be. Let yourself heal.
I know its hard to let go of it. I know the unsettled feeling we get after we detach from our addicts & everything gets quiet. That quiet is abnormal to us because we lived in turmoil for so many years.
Seek out professional help. Help that will give you a good chance to finally let go of this addict & his family. I had to seek out professional help. I needed help - a lot of help to do it. If I got shaky I would run (not walk) back for more help. I also haven't strayed far from these forums. I read here daily. I do it in order to keep my mind focused in a healthy manner.
Please save yourself & let go of this very destructive situation.
I remember reading your previous posts. I remember your story.
You've been at this for 10 plus years! Back forth up & down with a heroin addict. You know the drill by now.
Why not just put this struggle down for good. Let go of it. Let it be. Let yourself heal.
I know its hard to let go of it. I know the unsettled feeling we get after we detach from our addicts & everything gets quiet. That quiet is abnormal to us because we lived in turmoil for so many years.
Seek out professional help. Help that will give you a good chance to finally let go of this addict & his family. I had to seek out professional help. I needed help - a lot of help to do it. If I got shaky I would run (not walk) back for more help. I also haven't strayed far from these forums. I read here daily. I do it in order to keep my mind focused in a healthy manner.
Please save yourself & let go of this very destructive situation.
I genuinely do want to be done with this, getting there is the hardest part
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Linzey0706
how true is that!! The calm does absolutely feel weird, but wasn’t anything I wasn’t trying to get used to... I am hoping with them both blocked I can find some peace.. and maybe because of the constant up and downs the last 10 years, I constantly wait for the next blow my to shins but it just seems like it never ends, since this has all come out five years ago (together and not together) I have referred to it as the ___(addicts name) hurricane.... there is always a calm before he finds somehow to get to me - I will admit this time was a little self induced on my end however, what’s your suggestions for letting it go for good? It torments my mind constantly, even when nothing is happening... I have gone back to therapy weekly (clearly every other week was a bit soon to change lol)
I genuinely do want to be done with this, getting there is the hardest part
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 980
Listen I totally understand the (insert addicts name) hurricane. I know that storm very well.
I also well know & understand how the thought of putting it down for good torments our minds. But therein clearly indicates that help is needed. Because what's needs to be put down for good is extremely damaging. That's why help is needed.
Not sure if any of us get to walk away with grace. I crawled away & she knew it. I often think of the once very strong bridge between her & I has been completely destroyed. Bridges do get destroyed in these relationships.
I am glad to read you are going back to therapy. I hope it helps.
I let go of her so that she could live her life in any manner she chooses. I also let go of her so I could regain my own sanity. I am still working on that LOL
I also well know & understand how the thought of putting it down for good torments our minds. But therein clearly indicates that help is needed. Because what's needs to be put down for good is extremely damaging. That's why help is needed.
Not sure if any of us get to walk away with grace. I crawled away & she knew it. I often think of the once very strong bridge between her & I has been completely destroyed. Bridges do get destroyed in these relationships.
I am glad to read you are going back to therapy. I hope it helps.
I let go of her so that she could live her life in any manner she chooses. I also let go of her so I could regain my own sanity. I am still working on that LOL
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Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 319
Sounds like you were on a roll with the no contact and doing better? I believe I may have mentioned in one of your previous threads, that my first bf was an on/ off, and later turmoil once it went to “off” but still in contact, type of thing too. I did make the decision not to have any contact with him or any mutual people eventually, and that’s how I got through it.
Also, I realized during one of the episodes of being “triggered” from contact by him, that it was probably an ego boost for him as well- any attention from me at all, positive or negative. The day I saw him with someone else and a child was the last straw for me, and I made the decision I would leave him alone and never speak to him or about him to mutual people again. It’s served me well. That’s my 2 cents in those types of situations, is it’s best to make a clean break and not put yourself in the line of fire to be triggered, directly or indirectly through other people, and not in your own mind by looking at stuff on social media- nothing. That’s the path out in my opinion.
Good luck and hang in there. Just keep reminding yourself you were doing fine with no contact, and that you’ll get your equilibrium back when you go back to that. You’ve been doing it so you know you can, that’s where your power lies, holding on to yourself and giving him nothing.
Also, I realized during one of the episodes of being “triggered” from contact by him, that it was probably an ego boost for him as well- any attention from me at all, positive or negative. The day I saw him with someone else and a child was the last straw for me, and I made the decision I would leave him alone and never speak to him or about him to mutual people again. It’s served me well. That’s my 2 cents in those types of situations, is it’s best to make a clean break and not put yourself in the line of fire to be triggered, directly or indirectly through other people, and not in your own mind by looking at stuff on social media- nothing. That’s the path out in my opinion.
Good luck and hang in there. Just keep reminding yourself you were doing fine with no contact, and that you’ll get your equilibrium back when you go back to that. You’ve been doing it so you know you can, that’s where your power lies, holding on to yourself and giving him nothing.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
Hi linzey, good to hear from you, I am sorry you have had this setback.
That's all it is a setback! Yes, as pdm mentions, you have been feeling better about things, making progress, keeping no-contact. It's only been 2 months and it was traumatic all around with him then getting involved with the bartender.
But you are on the right path, so you had a little setback, I think you will find (even though it feels like a huge setback right now) that it will be easier for you to get back on that path because that is where you are/were. You have learned things, you have come to terms with certain things, including the fact that he is an addict with no recovery in sight and that will all come back to you shortly.
So hang in there, you haven't wasted your time or anything, this all just takes time.
I think it's a good thing that you blocked the Mother.
That's all it is a setback! Yes, as pdm mentions, you have been feeling better about things, making progress, keeping no-contact. It's only been 2 months and it was traumatic all around with him then getting involved with the bartender.
But you are on the right path, so you had a little setback, I think you will find (even though it feels like a huge setback right now) that it will be easier for you to get back on that path because that is where you are/were. You have learned things, you have come to terms with certain things, including the fact that he is an addict with no recovery in sight and that will all come back to you shortly.
So hang in there, you haven't wasted your time or anything, this all just takes time.
I think it's a good thing that you blocked the Mother.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
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Posts: 6,047
I think it's a situation anyone could have inadvertently got themselves into, but at least now you know that it's not possible to keep up a relationship with her. A pity she didn't restrain herself and just unfriend you. How petty.
Just keep telling yourself that you know you're in the best place possible, away from him and healthy and with a really good crack at happiness. He will carry on as per normal, and his GF will probably realise she got a bad bargain, if she has some self-esteem.
I'm glad they're out of your life.
Just keep telling yourself that you know you're in the best place possible, away from him and healthy and with a really good crack at happiness. He will carry on as per normal, and his GF will probably realise she got a bad bargain, if she has some self-esteem.
I'm glad they're out of your life.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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all I did was dream about how happy he is that he left me and moved on and is now playing “house”...
objectively speaking, isn't that what we should wish for our Ex partners, as well as ourselves? or are we saying that they should be miserable for rest of their borne days and never find a glimmer of joy ever again?
first break up was 2016 - three years ago. and it's been a pretty rocky, oft times miserable path ever since. it wasn't good for EITHER OF YOU. so he finally said ok, enough.
your best path if you truly want to get healthy and whole is to leave this ALL behind you. him, her, the mom, FB, whatever social media you use to keep track of what he's doing. ditch the idea of being FRIENDS - ever.
it's like spaghetti -you snap the uncooked pasta in half before boiling - and then there is literally NO chance of matching up the two pieces that used to make up one noodle. nor is there any NEED to. the two separate pieces function just fine AS IS.
objectively speaking, isn't that what we should wish for our Ex partners, as well as ourselves? or are we saying that they should be miserable for rest of their borne days and never find a glimmer of joy ever again?
first break up was 2016 - three years ago. and it's been a pretty rocky, oft times miserable path ever since. it wasn't good for EITHER OF YOU. so he finally said ok, enough.
your best path if you truly want to get healthy and whole is to leave this ALL behind you. him, her, the mom, FB, whatever social media you use to keep track of what he's doing. ditch the idea of being FRIENDS - ever.
it's like spaghetti -you snap the uncooked pasta in half before boiling - and then there is literally NO chance of matching up the two pieces that used to make up one noodle. nor is there any NEED to. the two separate pieces function just fine AS IS.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I last posted about a month ago and I was coming up on one month of no contact with ex addict! I felt really good, changed therapy from every week to every other week and felt like I had a grasp back on my life. I was still sad to lose such a bond, but could see through that loss to everything I would have control over again and all the lies and deceit I had been blind to for 10 (yes 10) years of hot and cold. I had deleted ex addict off social media and stopped talking to his family.
After so many turbulent years, I think it's apparent to you that this relationship is toxic...but only if you drink the poison.
My thoughts are to turn off social media...disconnect from him, his mother and anyone who wants to talk about him. Disconnect from FB and take a break from the urge to just peek...just one little peek...let it go, girl!
Let him go! And then spend your energy on healing yourself and finding new joy in life. Trust me, life is full of joy even in our worst times...that is when we need joy most.
Get out into nature, read a good book, take a fun course and find a new hobby doing something you like, take a cooking course or just treat yourself to a nice meal in a pretty restaurant somewhere lovely, find your spirit and embrace the opportunity to reshape your life into something that makes you feel good!
And don't look back, you're not going there.
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