Left...again... for another girl

Old 08-26-2019, 05:05 AM
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Left...again... for another girl

andddddd just like that, they are Facebook official...

6 weeks...

someone commented with “its about time”, starting to feel like there was a lot more I missed...

i am pretty shocked but not shocked at the same time, however it definitely does sting... 6 w.e.e.k.s is all it took for him to replace a 10 year on and off relationship YIKES

🙃🤗😔
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Old 08-26-2019, 07:31 AM
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Yes and that's about him, not you (in case you were doubting that).

For you, you are still in pain, still grieving the relationship. When you are invested emotionally in a relationship it does take time!

One thing that can help alleviate that pain is hopping right in to a new relationship. That is very much not a healthy thing to do.

You haven't, you are taking your time, you are grieving, you know it won't be forever (I hope).

But yes, that truly is all about him. They are still in the infatuation/honeymoon stage at 6 weeks, for what that information is worth.

Remember, she is not getting some prince charming version of the man you were with, she is getting exactly what you had. He hasn't changed one bit in 6 weeks. Lucky her.

Hang in there Linzey.

Going no contact will help you tremendously. It can be tough at first, no checking facebook, tell friends you don't want any "updates". Let it all go. Focus back on yourself. It may not seem like it but that will actually make you feel better. Taking care of yourself is a truly worthwhile thing to do to help you feel better.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. I know it is painful. It will get better.
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Old 08-26-2019, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes and that's about him, not you (in case you were doubting that).

For you, you are still in pain, still grieving the relationship. When you are invested emotionally in a relationship it does take time!

One thing that can help alleviate that pain is hopping right in to a new relationship. That is very much not a healthy thing to do.

You haven't, you are taking your time, you are grieving, you know it won't be forever (I hope).

But yes, that truly is all about him. They are still in the infatuation/honeymoon stage at 6 weeks, for what that information is worth.

Remember, she is not getting some prince charming version of the man you were with, she is getting exactly what you had. He hasn't changed one bit in 6 weeks. Lucky her.

Hang in there Linzey.

Going no contact will help you tremendously. It can be tough at first, no checking facebook, tell friends you don't want any "updates". Let it all go. Focus back on yourself. It may not seem like it but that will actually make you feel better. Taking care of yourself is a truly worthwhile thing to do to help you feel better.

I'm sorry you are going through all this. I know it is painful. It will get better.
thank you for the support.... trying not to take it personal but it feels very personal, and very hurtful...

im assuming he’s expecting a freak out or a text about it, so I didnt

I am having a hard time thinking she’s not getting the person I wanted so badly... but he’s openly drinking (she’s a bartender) so who knows what else he’s doing...

gotta let it go, but it stings for sure.. we worked for two years to try to “prove to me” and just like up and gone. The part I find most humorous was his excuse that he didn’t want to do this anymore because we fought, but I have a hard time believing she wasn’t around before any of that and part of the reason we began fighting...

wow im in shock and I don’t even know why, all I can do is take my pride and upper hand and not give him the satisfaction of a melt down
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Old 08-26-2019, 08:42 AM
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Well if what you wanted is a guy on drugs (alcohol) that drinks to excess then yes, she has him as you wanted him.

Nothing has changed. He switched drugs, that's all. To top it off, she is a bartender!! That couldn't be more perfect for him. Imagine drinking copious amounts of alcohol and your partner works the bar.

Maybe she was around before, maybe not, the fact that he is so untrustworthy that you question that, says a lot.

He said he left because of the fighting. Well, what was the fighting about? The fact that he wasn't sober?

When you confront an addict about their using, remember that you then become the enemy. The drug is their first love and if you try to come between them and the drug - look out. So yes, it was the fighting because he didn't want to fight about his using anymore, it would seem, he wants to use - period and if you won't support that and accept it, he can't be around you.

That's probably the cold hard facts. Is that the guy you want? It is also what makes it about him, not you. He wants to use, you don't want him to.

I'm so glad you didn't text him, keep strong, never mind what he would think - you will feel much better if you don't say a thing.
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Old 08-26-2019, 09:44 AM
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You might find these articles helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality".
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Old 08-26-2019, 10:26 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Well if what you wanted is a guy on drugs (alcohol) that drinks to excess then yes, she has him as you wanted him.

Nothing has changed. He switched drugs, that's all. To top it off, she is a bartender!! That couldn't be more perfect for him. Imagine drinking copious amounts of alcohol and your partner works the bar.

Maybe she was around before, maybe not, the fact that he is so untrustworthy that you question that, says a lot.

He said he left because of the fighting. Well, what was the fighting about? The fact that he wasn't sober?

When you confront an addict about their using, remember that you then become the enemy. The drug is their first love and if you try to come between them and the drug - look out. So yes, it was the fighting because he didn't want to fight about his using anymore, it would seem, he wants to use - period and if you won't support that and accept it, he can't be around you.

That's probably the cold hard facts. Is that the guy you want? It is also what makes it about him, not you. He wants to use, you don't want him to.

I'm so glad you didn't text him, keep strong, never mind what he would think - you will feel much better if you don't say a thing.
thank you so much trailmix... I do feel a sense of hope that someday I will find someone who made me as happy as he did (when things were good) without the constant chase, throw me to the wolves, come back crap..

i guess I just kept my hopes up for too long that he ACTUALLY wanted different, but when he started drinking I should have known otherwise..

i do feel good that I didn’t text him or communicate with him about seeing it... he definitely expected that however he doesn’t seem to care about anything to do with my feelings so even though everyone keeps saying he did it to get a rise out of me, it feels more like he just doesn’t care about me and found better UGH I didn’t miss this feeling that’s for sure
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Old 08-26-2019, 10:55 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You might find these articles helpful:

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

"In many cases the addict responds to negative feedback from others about his addiction by following the maxim of "Attack the attacker." Those who confront or complain about the addict's irrational and unhealthy behaviors are criticized, analyzed and dismissed by the addict as untrustworthy or biased observers and false messengers. Their own vulnerabilities may be ruthlessly exposed and exploited by the addict in his desperate defense of his addiction. In many cases, depending upon their own psychological makeup and the nature of their relationship to the addict, they themselves may begin to manifest significant psychological symptoms. Emotional and social withdrawal, secrecy, fear and shame can cause the mental health of those closely involved with addicts to deteriorate. Almost always there is fear, anger, confusion and depression resulting from repeated damaging exposures to the addict's unhealthy and irrational behaviors and their corresponding and supporting private reality".
thank you! I find this article very helpful to put me back in to the mindset that he is still an addict. He says he’s taking care of himself and not on drugs, however he is drinking and dating the bar tender... I have to stop trying to figure out if hes lying about more, especially since even if he is it will be very hard to tell.. always was very hard to determine when he was in to heroine...

the whole situation is extremely frustrating and painful and hurtful
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Old 08-26-2019, 11:36 AM
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6 w.e.e.k.s is all it took for him to replace a 10 year on and off relationship YIKES

he did not REPLACE the relationship OR replace YOU.
it may feel that way. but for him, he just hooked up with someone else.
i doubt it's the first time in all those years of "on and off"

now is the time to shut this down. no more contact. no more peeking in on him on social media. no more getting updates from friends. let HIM go so you can get back to your own life and make it awesome.
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Old 08-26-2019, 11:47 AM
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A simple truth I learned first hand experience was that addicts are for the most part very selfish & only care about themselves. Because of it, we end up suffering endless disappointment & great hurt. It goes on for as long as we allow it too.

You will find someone who truly cares about you. Some one that thinks & acts normally. Someone that brings you great joy without having to think about that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach wondering if they are high on heroin.

BTW mine was high every day. I wasn't aware that came later but she was using combinations of drugs daily. Some days worse than others. My nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach wasn't is she using - it was what the hell was going to happen next.

Hope you had a nice time at the pool this past weekend.
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Old 08-26-2019, 11:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
the whole situation is extremely frustrating and painful and hurtful
Yes, it's really hard to focus on any good coming from this when there is so much hurt.

Yes, the more you focus on yourself and away from him, the better you will feel. That's not easy to do initially, I know.

Make sure to take good care of yourself, sleep when you can, eat well.

Make a list of every terrible thing he ever said or did to you. Keep it close so you can refer to it.

Talk to people as much as possible, friends, family, post here too of course.

Take yourself out, even if you don't feel like it, a trip the corner store to get a cup of coffee is better than staying home, it really will lift your spirits, even if just a teeny bit.

Stay away from social media, the only thing you are going to find there is more hurt. He may well be posting for your benefit, to punish you or just get at you (again, is that a guy you want in your life?). Checking up on him serves no useful purpose for you except to keep you attached and in turmoil.

Anyway, just a few suggestions.
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Old 08-26-2019, 12:39 PM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
6 w.e.e.k.s is all it took for him to replace a 10 year on and off relationship YIKES

he did not REPLACE the relationship OR replace YOU.
it may feel that way. but for him, he just hooked up with someone else.
i doubt it's the first time in all those years of "on and off"

now is the time to shut this down. no more contact. no more peeking in on him on social media. no more getting updates from friends. let HIM go so you can get back to your own life and make it awesome.
he left me in 2015 when his heroine addiction came to light and he went to rehab, said he needed to focus on himself... then had another girlfriend and moved home and got in contact with me, and SEEMED to work very hard to show me he was different for the last 1.5-two years trying to get me to move to fl... I think I’m more shocked that I let him back in and he did it again

kicking myself hard for this one
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Old 08-26-2019, 12:40 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
A simple truth I learned first hand experience was that addicts are for the most part very selfish & only care about themselves. Because of it, we end up suffering endless disappointment & great hurt. It goes on for as long as we allow it too.

You will find someone who truly cares about you. Some one that thinks & acts normally. Someone that brings you great joy without having to think about that nagging feeling in the pit of your stomach wondering if they are high on heroin.

BTW mine was high every day. I wasn't aware that came later but she was using combinations of drugs daily. Some days worse than others. My nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach wasn't is she using - it was what the hell was going to happen next.

Hope you had a nice time at the pool this past weekend.
when he first started drinking again I told him that wasn’t good for him but he wasn’t out at the bar... things went downhill the last three months which is where this girl came from... idk what to believe and one of the hardest parts is over and over trying to figure out if he’s back on drugs because he never treated me this way when he wasn’t
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Old 08-26-2019, 12:43 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, it's really hard to focus on any good coming from this when there is so much hurt.

Yes, the more you focus on yourself and away from him, the better you will feel. That's not easy to do initially, I know.

Make sure to take good care of yourself, sleep when you can, eat well.

Make a list of every terrible thing he ever said or did to you. Keep it close so you can refer to it.

Talk to people as much as possible, friends, family, post here too of course.

Take yourself out, even if you don't feel like it, a trip the corner store to get a cup of coffee is better than staying home, it really will lift your spirits, even if just a teeny bit.

Stay away from social media, the only thing you are going to find there is more hurt. He may well be posting for your benefit, to punish you or just get at you (again, is that a guy you want in your life?). Checking up on him serves no useful purpose for you except to keep you attached and in turmoil.

Anyway, just a few suggestions.
i think it’s so discouraging for me because last time he left, I recreated my life and I was doing fine, however I was never as happy as I was with him and therefore when he came back and made efforts to mend things I melted right back (for a while did not show him that)

im just in complete and utter shock that he has a new girlfriend so fast... he doesn’t stay single long so I knew it would happen eventually but SIX weeks fbook official... seems a little weird to me
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Old 08-26-2019, 05:33 PM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post

BTW mine was high every day. I wasn't aware that came later but she was using combinations of drugs daily. Some days worse than others. My nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach wasn't is she using - it was what the hell was going to happen next.

Hope you had a nice time at the pool this past weekend.
Did you find yourself thinking she was doing well? I’m wondering if my gut feeling about him not doing good is right or if I am thinking that because he left. I guess in the long run it doesn’t really matter however I am curious how you found out she was getting high every day?
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Old 08-26-2019, 06:35 PM
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You might find reading the threads in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum really helpful, I think you will find many stories similar to yours.

I have often read where an alcoholic will immediately or shortly thereafter start up a new relationship.

Also partners who are worried about leaving the addict because what if he changes and someone new gets his better, sober self.

That is incredibly rare. What happens is they find out they are fighting like cats and dogs or that the new woman kicked him out.

Recently there was a thread where the "other woman" killed herself after about a year with the addict, she was a drinker too.

He hasn't run off to some fairytale, although I'm sure that is what he would like you to believe. She is getting the same guy you had. This is
just the start of a relationship, where he will be on his best behavior and she hasn't gone through years of him running hot and cold.

Plus if she is a heavy drinker, they are probably well suited?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
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Old 08-27-2019, 04:36 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
You might find reading the threads in the Friends and Family of alcoholics forum really helpful, I think you will find many stories similar to yours.

I have often read where an alcoholic will immediately or shortly thereafter start up a new relationship.

Also partners who are worried about leaving the addict because what if he changes and someone new gets his better, sober self.

That is incredibly rare. What happens is they find out they are fighting like cats and dogs or that the new woman kicked him out.

Recently there was a thread where the "other woman" killed herself after about a year with the addict, she was a drinker too.

He hasn't run off to some fairytale, although I'm sure that is what he would like you to believe. She is getting the same guy you had. This is
just the start of a relationship, where he will be on his best behavior and she hasn't gone through years of him running hot and cold.

Plus if she is a heavy drinker, they are probably well suited?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
i will have to look these stories up! That’s my biggest battle right now, is how much he is saying he’s doing well and someone else has “that version” of him... we live 1500 miles away so my day to day activities haven’t changed.. just my mind has myself convinced he is going to treat this girl like royalty and is going to get to have the man I went through hell and back for for 10 years...
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Old 08-27-2019, 05:38 AM
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
now is the time to shut this down. no more contact. no more peeking in on him on social media. no more getting updates from friends. let HIM go so you can get back to your own life and make it awesome.
He's not the stuff that dreams are made of, a future with him would continue to be a walk into hell.

Consider yourself the winner here, brush your heart off and get focused on doing wonderful things that are all about YOU. You are so worth a better life than this, believe that and chase the dream that is about you and not about anyone else.

Don't linger in sadness, it's a dead end street that will lead you to no place good. Close the door on the past and walk into the light of new beginnings for you...take the lessons and learn from them and just keep moving forward.

Hugs
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Old 08-27-2019, 11:01 AM
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Linzey

For the first 6 months or so after I met her, I wasn't aware of the drug use. Anyone looking at it now, would be fair to say I was beyond stupid for not seeing things as they were. For whatever reason I failed to put 2 & 2 together to make 4. As most things are when it comes to her, It was all beyond me. Was I blind stupid - yes. I am not normally like that with anything else in my life.

There came a time when she started opening up & telling me about her life. She told me the truth of extremely difficult subjects. It all came out over about a 6 month period.

One subject was about drug use. She admitted to being an IV heroin user since the age of 15. She tried to soft peddle it at first. Claiming she was now in recovery & on a daily dose of methadone & she had been going to the clinic daily for about 3 years. I knew nothing about it. As time went on more was revealed (common saying around here). I also learned a lot by reading online. I read everything I could find about heroin, methadone, addiction, addicts, co-dependency etc etc etc. Its a giant subject area.

The more I read the more I came to understand her & her crazy life. Understand her in a way she could never explain to me. I also found understanding for myself & what was happening to me. Although I didn't like what I was discovering, it all made perfect sense. I learned what to look for & found it all - signs of drug use.

She opened up to me about her life. She told me a lot about herself. She wanted me to understand who & what she was. I give her credit for that. It wasn't easy for her to do. Most of it was told through hysterical type tears. In the end it was extremely overwhelming for me. I am still overwhelmed by it. It saddens me to even type this now.

BTW yes I did try to talk to her about it all - over & over. She didn't want to hear any of it. She didn't want that type of help. She simply wanted me to know but didn't want to change anything. She wanted me to know & accept her for who & what she was - lock stock & barrel. Thinking back she was asking for a whole lot. Foolishly I tried very hard for years but it became something way beyond what I was capable of doing.

If you have any other questions feel free to ask.
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Old 08-27-2019, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


i will have to look these stories up! That’s my biggest battle right now, is how much he is saying he’s doing well and someone else has “that version” of him... we live 1500 miles away so my day to day activities haven’t changed.. just my mind has myself convinced he is going to treat this girl like royalty and is going to get to have the man I went through hell and back for for 10 years...
Oh she might have that version for the moment, or sometimes, there is a rush in a new relationship (which is why addicts hop right to them after a break up - well one of the reasons).

But he hasn't changed.

Here are some links to some threads you might find helpful:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ink-about.html (Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ddicts-do.html (What Addicts Do)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...potential.html (Potential)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...e-what-if.html (How to break free of "What if"?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-confused.html (Post-rehab heartbreak. Significant other left me and I am left broken and confused)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ft-addict.html (anyone else been dumped or left by an addict?)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...r-left-me.html (Addict partner left me)
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Old 08-27-2019, 11:15 AM
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Also

I know nothing of her life for a bit over the past year.

During the first year of being apart from her we had several contacts. Nothing in her life changed for the good. Things got worse. There were crazy bad things going on. All documented no BS. All of those contacts were bad for me. Each left me with my head just spinning.

June of 2018 was the last contact. More crazy.

Is her life better today? I don't know but based on the past, I have no reason to think it is. Maybe a big difference between you & me, I wish her life was better now - way better than ever (regardless of who she is with). I couldn't make that happen - I tried hard but failed miserably. But I wish that for her.

Is your addict all better today? Heroin addict now drinking saying clean from heroin. I seriously doubt it. I don't know your addict but I do know about the subject of heroin addiction.
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