Left...again... for another girl

Old 09-05-2019, 02:54 PM
  # 81 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


i am definitely obsessing over the situation for sure... I just don’t know how to stop... nobody told me, his mom actually said he’s doing very well and this new girl is going to school for nursing and has a baby... so talk about a stab at my heart
Poor her and poor baby is what I'm thinking. That baby now has an alcoholic as a role model.

Anyway, how to stop. Two things. You need to really look at this realistically. He wants to drink it up, you don't want him to drink. You can't change him and never could. He did try, he just can't/won't do it.

He may want a healthy relationship, but that cannot happen, for sure it can't happen right now. I thought I read somewhere in one of your threads that he said you didn't fit in with his lifestyle? Correct me if I'm wrong. The truth is, you don't.

Do you want to live with an alcoholic? Do you want an alcoholic for a life partner?

That is the reality, not the fru fru he's really a good guy underneath all this stuff, that's the fantasy. As I said, he may well be but that's only a part of him, he is both good and bad, addict and guy who might not want to be - someday, maybe (or not) down the road. That's not today and probably not next week.

He wants to go to the bar and party every night. If he came back today and said that is what I am going to do, now take me back, would you? No compromise - you don't get to nag him or encourage him or even talk about it, he is going to the bar and drinking as he sees fit, no input from you.

So would you choose that?

The second part follows after you answer that.
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Old 09-05-2019, 04:44 PM
  # 82 (permalink)  
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I was just thinking, that might sound confrontational lol (it's not) just that how to proceed with extricating yourself relies on how you would approach that (just so you know!)
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Old 09-06-2019, 04:09 AM
  # 83 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Poor her and poor baby is what I'm thinking. That baby now has an alcoholic as a role model.

Anyway, how to stop. Two things. You need to really look at this realistically. He wants to drink it up, you don't want him to drink. You can't change him and never could. He did try, he just can't/won't do it.

He may want a healthy relationship, but that cannot happen, for sure it can't happen right now. I thought I read somewhere in one of your threads that he said you didn't fit in with his lifestyle? Correct me if I'm wrong. The truth is, you don't.

Do you want to live with an alcoholic? Do you want an alcoholic for a life partner?

That is the reality, not the fru fru he's really a good guy underneath all this stuff, that's the fantasy. As I said, he may well be but that's only a part of him, he is both good and bad, addict and guy who might not want to be - someday, maybe (or not) down the road. That's not today and probably not next week.

He wants to go to the bar and party every night. If he came back today and said that is what I am going to do, now take me back, would you? No compromise - you don't get to nag him or encourage him or even talk about it, he is going to the bar and drinking as he sees fit, no input from you.

So would you choose that?

The second part follows after you answer that.
being removed from it now, no I would not go back in to that situation willingly... but the fact he up and replaced me (which has been confirmed she was around before he ended it with me) feels so hurtful... it is all a lot to wrap my head around, every time I think I have it figured out something different comes out and makes me think the last 10 years were all a complete lie
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Old 09-06-2019, 11:02 AM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


being removed from it now, no I would not go back in to that situation willingly... but the fact he up and replaced me (which has been confirmed she was around before he ended it with me) feels so hurtful... it is all a lot to wrap my head around, every time I think I have it figured out something different comes out and makes me think the last 10 years were all a complete lie
Well that's sad, that he did that and I can understand your feeling rejected by him.

However.

This is how you move away from that.

First of all, it basically has nothing to do with you personally. You are who you are (and you are great!). I have mentioned this before but it bears repeating, what you want and what he wants are two different things. Does that make you "less than", less of a good person, less worthy, less than this new person he has in his life?

No.

It doesn't take away from you. That's where you are hung up I think. You believe that somehow you were not good enough, that what you offered him (yourself, the lifestyle you two were living) was not good enough.

That's not the truth. From what you have described you two got along quite well when he was sober. Well, he's not sober and does not want to be. I have said this before but please let it sink in, really sink in, you want him to be sober and he does not want to be.

That's a huge, gigantic, whopping issue! It would be in any relationship. You read it in the F&F forums every single day. They want to drink, the SO does not want them to. There is no negotiation available there, it's a stalemate.

The only solution is to separate, that's it, there is no other way around it. Unless the two decide to stay together and be miserable, together.

Now, with that in mind, how is that a reflection on you, as a person? How does that make you "less than"?
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Old 09-06-2019, 01:25 PM
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Just to back this up, this post from three and a half years ago from one of your threads:

Originally Posted by zoso77 View Post
OK. He comes back. You're elated. What happens next? In all probability, the following.

He starts becoming distant. You wonder what's going on. He says nothing. Then he starts not calling. Or he doesn't come home. You get worried and scared and call him out. You ask if he's using again. He denies it. But his eyeballs are pinned. Or maybe he's been drinking. And before you know it, you're right back to where you were.

Qualitatively speaking, most opiate addicts don't achieve recovery. .
And it goes on as you know, but I cut it off at this part that is relevant for this discussion.

Is zoso psychic? Some kind of magical being that can foresee the future? Did she just make a great guess?

Or none of the above. She knew this because it is so common for addicts. Addicts are not relationship material, not today, not tomorrow not last week or this week, they are busy drinking or whatever.

As an aside, because she really is irrelevant to all of this as well, he just picked up an enabler to fill that huge void in his life. Oh she is a nurse with a small child, how sweet. Who has now hooked up with a drug addict, hmm, not as sweet a story. She just doesn't care that he is drugged, that's all. That might be her "normal" we don't know, she might be an addict as well or she is charmed by his sad, sad story of how he just wishes he could get in to recovery (you already know how that story goes).
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Old 09-06-2019, 02:03 PM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post


I think I’m more shocked that I let him back in and he did it again

kicking myself hard for this one
I am in the same boat as you. I let my ex back in 3 times and each time he said one thing convincing me he was ready for this and then either changed his mind a week later, ghosted me, or (what ended up finishing it all for me) kissing another girl.
It got to a point where I asked myself "Is he really worth it? If we were to get back together will I ever really trust him again?" If you don't have trust you have NOTHING and that anxiety will always be in the back of your mind.
There's no doubt my chemistry with him was like with no one else i've been with.... but that wasn't worth all the pain he had inflicted on me and future pain that was inevitable.
Hold your head up high and have faith that someone better for you that will actually love you and put you first will come along!
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Old 09-16-2019, 09:32 PM
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Linzey and Cellar, hope you doing ok.
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