Left...again... for another girl

Old 09-04-2019, 04:53 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Yes, I didn't mean he doesn't have feelings but hey, that's what drugs are for.

Absolutely, addicts walk out on their children, their spouses, their parents and siblings every day of the week and never look back.

I replied to a post this morning from a Husband whose wife had been in recovery for over a year and was doing well. He had been away for work and got a call that his wife had left his 1 and 4 year old children alone while she went off with a dealer. She did have the decency to call his family member to let them know before she left them there.

So yes, I would say it's entirely possible to block feelings out with drugs.

Aside from that, the addicted brain is not like your brain. You cannot apply normal things to an addicted brain. He does not think like non-addicted people think (broad generalization, but you get the idea). As sparklekitty said as well, this isn't about you personally.
that’s a good perspective I suppose, MOTHERS & FATHERS leave their CHILDREN over drugs and alcohol, why would this be any different

i guess it’s more of the disappointment that for two years he seemed to mean every word of showing how different things would be, things got rough and he left for another relationship, I can usually make sense of most of his nonsense, but that’s something I can’t wrap my head around - why come back in the first place?
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Old 09-04-2019, 04:55 AM
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Originally Posted by HardLessons View Post
Linzey

Your right not to trust him He is not trust worthy at all.

Years ago I foolishly trusted my addict. It took time because she doesn't trust anyone, but she did trust me. Over time she completely obliterated my trust in her. She destroyed it.

If for some reason her & I interacted, I would never trust her again. She is not trust worthy.
OH HOW I FEEL THIS, it makes me so angry that for two years he wanted to “prove things would be different” and in the end he left because “I didn’t trust him”, I didn’t trust him even more in the beginning and if he did the things he needed to do I feel like this would have slowly developed differently, the whole scenario is insane

”you don’t trust me it’s never going to work”, well yea how do you expect me to trust you when you’re doing everything in your power to ruin any trust I give you
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:35 AM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
”you don’t trust me it’s never going to work”, well yea how do you expect me to trust you when you’re doing everything in your power to ruin any trust I give you
Didn't trust him about what? I mean what was that discussion? About using drugs, heroin, drinking?
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Old 09-04-2019, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Didn't trust him about what? I mean what was that discussion? About using drugs, heroin, drinking?
Specifically I didn’t like when he went out to the bar, that’s where 99% of our arguments stemmed... from him not respecting me when he was out, to him not telling me when he was home, to him drinking too much, him lying about how much he drank, how rude he got to me when he drank...he lives far away so he always used the excuse I’m gonna have a few beers if I want to have a few beers I’m not gonna sit home constantly, then he gave up hard liquor because “it was the reason he was rude”, first I tried to reason with him told him it wasn’t respectful without me there, then he agreed that being at a bar past 11 wasn’t good for anyone nothing good happens at a bar then, then eventually he was out until 2/3 in the morning and I wasn’t gonna tell him no
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Old 09-04-2019, 09:33 AM
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Gotcha. Well, it is disrespectful, all of it.

So what you had was a guy who:

- Drank to much (alcoholically perhaps)
- Lied to you
- Did not treat you with respect
- Stayed out at the bar until 2/3 in the morning, despite your feelings about it, which he supposedly agreed with.

An I'm sure those are just the highlights? There was perhaps arguing, put downs, you're too controlling, too sensitive, there was the "you don't trust me" etc etc.

That is who he is.

He is not two people, sober guy and drunk/drugged guy. He is 1 person. There is a reason he keeps returning to drugs. That reason is probably that he has many underlying issues that he is unwilling to address, so he can white knuckle it for a while, but that ever present addiction keeps calling and he finally gives in to it.

You can read about it every day here in the newcomers forum.

His reasoning is flawed. You didn't trust him because he lies. Why would you trust someone who lies? That would be foolish. Now you and I know that and the world at large knows that but in his drug muddled brain, this probably makes perfect sense.

Maybe it's time to stop separating "semi-controlled addiction" guy from guy who is rude and mean and argumentative (and drugged).

It's all too easy to get hung up on 'good guy' because he may well have been and wouldn't you like to have him back. Fact is, he doesn't exist, that's not the truth of it all. He is both, all in one, he is probably a pretty nice guy with a HUGE problem(s).

It can be a real struggle to put that together, the mind doesn't want to look at all the bad, that doesn't feel good at all. Also, remember, when you are pondering all this (which is probably often at this point) the mind really doesn't want to dwell on all the negative so you can sometimes skip over that.

I use this analogy. Say you broke your leg (and of course I hope you never do lol). So you go and get it put in a cast and the next day head off for work.

Everyone is kind, can we get you coffee, want me to pick you up some lunch? Do you need a ride home?

A few weeks pass, cast is removed, you carry on. Now, do you remember falling off your bike and breaking your leg and having it reset and etc etc? Probably not, what you do remember is the kindness of everyone, how everyone signed your cast, how the woman next door brought you dinner and did your shopping for you.

If we all dwelled on the negative - well.

In the case of the addict, or any dysfunctional relationship, it's important to bring those negatives to the forefront, it's an important part of the story.

That's why there is the suggestion to make a hard copy list of all the wrongs. The mean things he said, the lies the hurtful accusations and throw backs, the insanity of it all, so you can remember all those things and not just the "nice" guy.

You can't and never could fix him.
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Old 09-04-2019, 09:41 AM
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Thank you everyone for your comments on this thread. It's been a zillion years since I've been on SR but came back today. Linzey, you aren't alone in your feelings of what if? I'm sorry for the pain and confusion that you're going through. It's like that alanis morissette song with the line "it was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced." I'm in the same boat you're in, going through much the same thoughts and feelings. I'm married to my addict and we have 2 kids. I knew he was an addict, crack, but didn't realize he added heroin to his repertoire. I asked him to move out to get sober back in February. He kept coming around, wanting me to take him back in. Loves me like no other. Marriage is heaven ordained. He showed up at his grandmother's memorial service in June with his mother and his girlfriend who he's been with since March. Who we knew nothing about. They're getting married as soon as the divorce is final. Etc. Etc. It's been a painful mess. We are divorcing but he keeps coming around. Lying about not being with her. But that's just to manipulate me into enabling him. He's on a rocket ride to the bottom. It was far harder to accept the cheating than the long term issues with his addiction.

What I've learned from this crap is that addicts will lie about anything to anyone. He's not happy. I doubt he'll marry this skank because that costs money that could go to drugs. She's an iv heroin user. He's lost his home, kids and wife. His car is next. He's unemployable because he now looks like the addicts you see on skid row. He's been cheating on me forever apparently and not just with this one. The last one was a 22 year old heroin addict who died last November. It's ugly and vicious. I don't mean to hijack here but take care of you. Love you. He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting a normal healthy lifestyle. You will get through this. We both have to be kind to ourselves. Grieve the loss of the relationship we thought we had with the person we thought they were. They aren't who we thought. We deserve far better than the periodic crumbs they toss.
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Old 09-04-2019, 09:43 AM
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Good to see you again, Ruby2, but I'm sorry for the reason you're back.
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Old 09-04-2019, 10:06 AM
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Originally Posted by Ruby2 View Post
He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting a normal healthy lifestyle.
Hi Ruby. Oh what a horrible time you have been through. I hope you are taking good care of yourself.

I really like what you said above, it's succinct and to the point and so true.
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Old 09-04-2019, 12:22 PM
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A different scenario because it’s not a long term relationship, but I’m reminded of that show Married At First Sight. The dynamic between Matt and Amber this season is worth noting. Not sure why they don’t require a steady job and stable housing before someone is considered for the show, but this Matt guy has neither, and he’s been spending nights out at the bar every night, supooosedly with his friends.

Not sure if he’s cheating, or has some secret substance abuse problem (or both), but you can see how it’s slowly been taking a toll on this girl Amber; how she’s lost her sparkle, and has been constantly triggered and worried about what he’s doing. It’s no way to live, for sure. Very draining.
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Old 09-04-2019, 01:20 PM
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Thanks for the welcome. I'm doing okay. I'm in therapy. Kids are in therapy. I'm working on no contact because otherwise I'm still doing the same old dance of "what if it's different this time?" The hardest part is going through the sadness, knowing that I have to go through it to get to the other side. His stupid car is parked outside my house and is a constant reminder. Apparently it's disabled. I don't know, but he got a big insurance check last Friday for an alleged accident. He'll be around when it's gone with an I'm sorry, forgive me, I'm not with the skank anymore, I'm desperate and you're the only one I can turn to. It'll all be a lie. He'll still be with the skank. I believed him the 2 times before but not this time.

I don't watch that show but how painful it must be to watch that poor girl. We've all been in her shoes. Hopefully she finds her confidence and has support around her.
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Old 09-04-2019, 03:29 PM
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Ugh pdm, it's terrible to watch, I watch a video clip of her confronting him. He's a jerk, I hope she runs away.

I used to watch that program, glad I'm not anymore just based on that alone. I agree with you, a job at least! Sounds like they are just trying to dramatize the show and that's always a disaster.

The guy admits he's always had relationship problems, now she has to be in on it, that's just cruel.
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Old 09-04-2019, 04:14 PM
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It’s terrible, she just perseverates over his behavior, looks sad and cries. She gave him a “curfew” to be home by 2 or 3am every night from the bars. Before that, he was shutting off his phone and not answering messages & wasn’t coming home at all .

It’s weird because when they interviewed him in one of the more recent episodes, he was saying how much effort he thought he was putting into the marriage. And maybe relative to how he normally behaves, perhaps coming home at night, and leaving his phone on, is a huge effort for him? Another grandiose one for no reason, too, acting like he’s God’s gift- it’d be amusing to watch if his behavior didn’t devastate her so .
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Old 09-04-2019, 04:41 PM
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Ugh. Painful reminder. Poor girl. He sounds like a complete jerk. My husband never answered his phone either when he was out. Wretched feeling to be waiting and waiting.
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Old 09-05-2019, 09:45 AM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
Gotcha. Well, it is disrespectful, all of it.

So what you had was a guy who:

- Drank to much (alcoholically perhaps)
- Lied to you
- Did not treat you with respect
- Stayed out at the bar until 2/3 in the morning, despite your feelings about it, which he supposedly agreed with.

An I'm sure those are just the highlights? There was perhaps arguing, put downs, you're too controlling, too sensitive, there was the "you don't trust me" etc etc.

That is who he is.

He is not two people, sober guy and drunk/drugged guy. He is 1 person. There is a reason he keeps returning to drugs. That reason is probably that he has many underlying issues that he is unwilling to address, so he can white knuckle it for a while, but that ever present addiction keeps calling and he finally gives in to it.

You can read about it every day here in the newcomers forum.

His reasoning is flawed. You didn't trust him because he lies. Why would you trust someone who lies? That would be foolish. Now you and I know that and the world at large knows that but in his drug muddled brain, this probably makes perfect sense.

Maybe it's time to stop separating "semi-controlled addiction" guy from guy who is rude and mean and argumentative (and drugged).

It's all too easy to get hung up on 'good guy' because he may well have been and wouldn't you like to have him back. Fact is, he doesn't exist, that's not the truth of it all. He is both, all in one, he is probably a pretty nice guy with a HUGE problem(s).

It can be a real struggle to put that together, the mind doesn't want to look at all the bad, that doesn't feel good at all. Also, remember, when you are pondering all this (which is probably often at this point) the mind really doesn't want to dwell on all the negative so you can sometimes skip over that.

I use this analogy. Say you broke your leg (and of course I hope you never do lol). So you go and get it put in a cast and the next day head off for work.

Everyone is kind, can we get you coffee, want me to pick you up some lunch? Do you need a ride home?

A few weeks pass, cast is removed, you carry on. Now, do you remember falling off your bike and breaking your leg and having it reset and etc etc? Probably not, what you do remember is the kindness of everyone, how everyone signed your cast, how the woman next door brought you dinner and did your shopping for you.

If we all dwelled on the negative - well.

In the case of the addict, or any dysfunctional relationship, it's important to bring those negatives to the forefront, it's an important part of the story.

That's why there is the suggestion to make a hard copy list of all the wrongs. The mean things he said, the lies the hurtful accusations and throw backs, the insanity of it all, so you can remember all those things and not just the "nice" guy.

You can't and never could fix him.
thank you, I appreciate this post because you’re absolutely right, when he’s “semi controlled” I make excuses try to reason and convince myself he can control himself... I’m slowly trying to realize that the “good guy” and “addict” are one of the same, it’s so hard because when he’s good he’s great, however you’re right.. he’s never stuck with a program and always ends up drinking again before a year...

addiction is single handedly the scariest most traumatizing thing to ever encounter and for 10 years it’s taken me surprise by surprise every time
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Old 09-05-2019, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Ruby2 View Post
Thank you everyone for your comments on this thread. It's been a zillion years since I've been on SR but came back today. Linzey, you aren't alone in your feelings of what if? I'm sorry for the pain and confusion that you're going through. It's like that alanis morissette song with the line "it was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced." I'm in the same boat you're in, going through much the same thoughts and feelings. I'm married to my addict and we have 2 kids. I knew he was an addict, crack, but didn't realize he added heroin to his repertoire. I asked him to move out to get sober back in February. He kept coming around, wanting me to take him back in. Loves me like no other. Marriage is heaven ordained. He showed up at his grandmother's memorial service in June with his mother and his girlfriend who he's been with since March. Who we knew nothing about. They're getting married as soon as the divorce is final. Etc. Etc. It's been a painful mess. We are divorcing but he keeps coming around. Lying about not being with her. But that's just to manipulate me into enabling him. He's on a rocket ride to the bottom. It was far harder to accept the cheating than the long term issues with his addiction.

What I've learned from this crap is that addicts will lie about anything to anyone. He's not happy. I doubt he'll marry this skank because that costs money that could go to drugs. She's an iv heroin user. He's lost his home, kids and wife. His car is next. He's unemployable because he now looks like the addicts you see on skid row. He's been cheating on me forever apparently and not just with this one. The last one was a 22 year old heroin addict who died last November. It's ugly and vicious. I don't mean to hijack here but take care of you. Love you. He's not rejecting you. He's rejecting a normal healthy lifestyle. You will get through this. We both have to be kind to ourselves. Grieve the loss of the relationship we thought we had with the person we thought they were. They aren't who we thought. We deserve far better than the periodic crumbs they toss.
Hi Ruby, I’m so sorry that this brings you back... I was in a different yet similar situation with my addict (never married no kids) however it’s been 10 years or both bliss hell and even worse... my addict came back after leaving the first time and for two years it seemed like everything was dandy I told so many people how different he was.. until he wasn’t..

i can unfortunately relate deeply to the feelings of cheating hurting more than the addiction.. call me crazy call me desensitized to addiction from seeing it so much, but I didn’t bat a lash at my addicts struggles as long as he was ALWAYS trying to do better (easily fooled apparently) and as long as nobody else was involved I had no problem standing by him and helping him on and off for the last 10 years (5 that I’ve known) but looking back even before it came to light there was plenty of “addict” traits...

my heart breaks for you and those children, but you do deserve better and I hope this site can provide as much support as it has for me on and off for the last 5 years.. when everything went downhill again this was the first place I came... not many people outside of this community understand fully what its own special hell dealing with addiction can be
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Old 09-05-2019, 09:56 AM
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As I sit here and think about all the addictions I have watched I find my self sad just simply sad..

My uncle, my brother my cousin - they ALL were addicted to opitates at one point and have found their way (for the meantime and hopefully forever). However all of their roads are drastically different from each other’s, however I find myself so sad that my XAB can not do the same.. it’s been 10 years (5 that I’ve known) and he’s still on the same hampster wheel

some things have played out over the last week or so that I am certain he is well on his way back to his heroine addiction if he is not already and although he’s made it clear I am NOT in his life and his new girl is, I can’t help but feel sad about it for him... all I want is a happy life for him like my uncle brother cousin have found.. and I just don’t think he’s gonna achieve that any time soon
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Old 09-05-2019, 11:06 AM
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HIS life..........

as i asked in your other similar post, what has this to do with......YOU?
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Old 09-05-2019, 12:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
As I sit here and think about all the addictions I have watched I find my self sad just simply sad.
Originally Posted by Linzey0706 View Post
I can’t help but feel sad about it for him... all I want is a happy life for him like my uncle brother cousin have found.. and I just don’t think he’s gonna achieve that any time soon
How long does that sadness last? Is it all encompassing?

There is a difference between:

Steve's addiction is terrible, hope he gets in to recovery, he's really messing up his life - and maybe wishing Steve has a better day today (to yourself)

than

Ruminating on Steve and what he is using today and what he's doing and who he's with and is he at the bar EVERY night and how much drinking can go on in X number of hours and will he be able to continue to work with that kind of consumption and he could have such a great life if etc etc etc

So which type of thinking do you have?

One is quite different from the other.

The first is wishing your fellow human being well. The second is thinking not only do you wish him well but about what YOU want for him (and I'm thinking also how YOU could fix this if you were only still part of his life)?

Two things. It's possible to become too enmeshed with someones problems and it's imperative to start to separate yourself from them (the person and their problems), to achieve that you need to focus back on yourself. What are you doing for yourself?

some things have played out over the last week or so that I am certain he is well on his way back to his heroine addiction
I'm guessing someone told you this?
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Old 09-05-2019, 01:53 PM
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Originally Posted by trailmix View Post
How long does that sadness last? Is it all encompassing?

There is a difference between:

Steve's addiction is terrible, hope he gets in to recovery, he's really messing up his life - and maybe wishing Steve has a better day today (to yourself)

than

Ruminating on Steve and what he is using today and what he's doing and who he's with and is he at the bar EVERY night and how much drinking can go on in X number of hours and will he be able to continue to work with that kind of consumption and he could have such a great life if etc etc etc

So which type of thinking do you have?

One is quite different from the other.

The first is wishing your fellow human being well. The second is thinking not only do you wish him well but about what YOU want for him (and I'm thinking also how YOU could fix this if you were only still part of his life)?

Two things. It's possible to become too enmeshed with someones problems and it's imperative to start to separate yourself from them (the person and their problems), to achieve that you need to focus back on yourself. What are you doing for yourself?



I'm guessing someone told you this?
i am definitely obsessing over the situation for sure... I just don’t know how to stop... nobody told me, his mom actually said he’s doing very well and this new girl is going to school for nursing and has a baby... so talk about a stab at my heart
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Old 09-05-2019, 02:25 PM
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time to get down to basics.

1. people change. they change their socks, their partners, their minds.
2. most relationships have a natural end point.

there was a study done a few years ago, data from 2000 participants who claimed to have already found The One (if you believe in such things....) and it teased out some pretty interesting numbers and/or at least gives one cause to pause. nothing is FOREVER.

Pathway to meeting 'The One'

Women Men
Number of relationships 7 8
Disaster dates 4 4
Blind dates 2 3
Stood up on a date 1 2
Online dates 2 3
Number of kisses 15 16
Sexual partner 7 10
One night stands 4 6
Relationships (year or less) 3 4
Relationships (year or more) 2 2
Partners lived with 1 1
Falling in love 2 2
Heart break 2 2
Times cheated on 1 1
Times cheater 1 1
Long distance relationships 1 1
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